OP, once again, listen. You are in a verbally abusive relationship. You are behaving exactly as an abused spouse does: you reach out for help, people who are genuinely concerned for your welfare respond to you, and you back pedal with a different story and apologize for making a big deal out of nothing. If you keep doing this in your real life (which I'm sure you have), eventually people will get sick of it and start to distance themselves.

This is textbook. I'm not buying your denial. You are in a verbally abusive marriage.

The question it's not what to do, you've gotten tons of advice here and in your real life for YEARS and you keep ignoring it. Or excusing the behavior. Or deciding it's not a big deal. Or thinking the kids are better off in an intact family. Or whatever.

You know what to do. The question isn't what to do, the question is why you won't do it. They question can't be answered by your friends, relatives or an anonymous chat board. You have to seek help to answer that question. This is the essential question.

Why won't you leave this abusive relationship? Are you that afraid of him? Or are you that self loathing that you feel you deserve this?

^ sorry hit submit by accident.

Marriage counseling has been extremely helpful. He learned how to manage his emotions and I learned how to talk to him in a more productive way. I highly recommend it.

OP, I married a very similar man, except he had the opposite reaction when we talk about emotional issues--he shrank into himself and stops talking. My reaction when he did that was to try to get him to talk, and to push and push him, which just made him clam up even more, and even to walk away.

I am using the past tense because marriage counseling has been EXTREMELY

Why did you marry someone like this?

Anonymous wrote:I was downloading books through my library today (Overdrive) and they have some good ones on dealing with a verbally abusive spouse. Thought of OP. It appears this author has quite a few books and advice: https://www.patriciaevans.com/

She is excellent. As is Lundy Bancroft who wrote "Why Does He Do that?"
They are still useful even if your husband is not physically abusive.

I was downloading books through my library today (Overdrive) and they have some good ones on dealing with a verbally abusive spouse. Thought of OP. It appears this author has quite a few books and advice: https://www.patriciaevans.com/

OP, I posted earlier. I understand the backpeddling and wanting to paint a fuller picture. But its still really unhealthy that you are scared to bring things up and that there was a point in your relationship that you considered breaking up but you did not because you were worried about his reaction.

I will only leave you with two suggestions.

1) get some counseling to figure out how to best handle this situation and how you may or may not be contributing to conflict (not your fault, but is there a better way?)

2) If you think your DH has ADHD and has a tendency to blow up when he feels defensive (blamed) then writing a long letter out will not do anythying. It may help YOU feel better, but trust me, in similar situtations DH just never responded, or couldn't really read it. And it contributed to the ongoing failure for us to work through our issues productively. So, dont give him a letter. It is unlikely to produce what you want it to.

Instead, I suggest setting up a session with a marriage counselor. Frame it as "finding a better way to communicate during this tough time." Then in the session, you laoy out the issues, using a lot of "I" language. Go from there. a good marriage counselor will want to see each of you individually once or twice where you can vent more freely.

^^Meant - “you said you’re tired and emotional”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what makes you so certain he won't be violent once you change your response to his tantrums? How can you know what he'll do when his behavior isn't just being accepted and overlooked until it passes? I think this is what some PP's are seeing that you are not.

Op here. First, bc he knows I’m a scrappy b*tch and I would probably end him in a fight.

And second, for the same reason I go outside during a rainstorm and don’t expect to get struck by lightning. I suppose anything is possible but the odds of this ever getting physical are just...none. Seriously. We’re just not the Jerry Springer fighting types. But I don’t have the energy for any kind of fight right now.

fwiw I don’t slink off when these outbursts happen. I tell him it’s unacceptable and eventually he apologizes and it’s fine for awhile. With added stressors he’s quicker to anger (and I’m quicker to tears), and so I’m looking for ways to get through an argument without him shutting down/storming out. Again I don’t mean to excuse his behavior. I’m not. But I see this thread going down a very dramatic rabbit hole and I don’t want to derail some of the practical advice I’m getting.

And I know sometimes things get lost in translation via posts and I want to emphasize that I do appreciate the well intended concern.

You didn’t describe yourself as a scrappy b**ch. you described yourself as very fearful of expressing your feelings to your DH and fearful of his reaction. You described yourself as, basically, spineless - both before your marriage and at present. You painted a very, very negative picture of your DH, and with our strong reactions you backtracked and basically said your tired and emotionally, he doesn’t scare you, you’re not actually *this close* to throwing in the towel.

So sorry you are going through all this OP.

It is so stressful to be always walking around on eggshells around another person.

If you catch your husband in a good mood & bring this topic up, would it be easier for him to listen to you better and not get so testy?
Or will he automatically just go off on you??

Your husband appears to have anger/communication issues that run much deeper than you + your marriage.
Sadly he will need more than a few conversations to change his ways, if that even is a possibility at this stage in his life.

I highly doubt he will agree to therapy, but if he does that likely will be the only option on the table to salvage your union.

It seems to me that the marriage likely will dissipate on its own however.

I wish you the best.
(((((( Hugs! ))))))

How old is he approximately? Because my DH has increasingly become this way - late 40s. I’m hoping it’s the male equivalent to menopause.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what makes you so certain he won't be violent once you change your response to his tantrums? How can you know what he'll do when his behavior isn't just being accepted and overlooked until it passes? I think this is what some PP's are seeing that you are not.

Op here. First, bc he knows I’m a scrappy b*tch and I would probably end him in a fight.

And second, for the same reason I go outside during a rainstorm and don’t expect to get struck by lightning. I suppose anything is possible but the odds of this ever getting physical are just...none. Seriously. We’re just not the Jerry Springer fighting types. But I don’t have the energy for any kind of fight right now.

fwiw I don’t slink off when these outbursts happen. I tell him it’s unacceptable and eventually he apologizes and it’s fine for awhile. With added stressors he’s quicker to anger (and I’m quicker to tears), and so I’m looking for ways to get through an argument without him shutting down/storming out. Again I don’t mean to excuse his behavior. I’m not. But I see this thread going down a very dramatic rabbit hole and I don’t want to derail some of the practical advice I’m getting.

And I know sometimes things get lost in translation via posts and I want to emphasize that I do appreciate the well intended concern.

I understand what you are saying.
On a different but slightly related note, how is his career? Has he been fired or gotten in trouble or experienced career stagnation because of his attitude? I'm just wondering if he is able to control himself in certain environments.

Anonymous wrote:OP- what makes you so certain he won't be violent once you change your response to his tantrums? How can you know what he'll do when his behavior isn't just being accepted and overlooked until it passes? I think this is what some PP's are seeing that you are not.

Op here. First, bc he knows I’m a scrappy b*tch and I would probably end him in a fight.

And second, for the same reason I go outside during a rainstorm and don’t expect to get struck by lightning. I suppose anything is possible but the odds of this ever getting physical are just...none. Seriously. We’re just not the Jerry Springer fighting types. But I don’t have the energy for any kind of fight right now.

fwiw I don’t slink off when these outbursts happen. I tell him it’s unacceptable and eventually he apologizes and it’s fine for awhile. With added stressors he’s quicker to anger (and I’m quicker to tears), and so I’m looking for ways to get through an argument without him shutting down/storming out. Again I don’t mean to excuse his behavior. I’m not. But I see this thread going down a very dramatic rabbit hole and I don’t want to derail some of the practical advice I’m getting.

And I know sometimes things get lost in translation via posts and I want to emphasize that I do appreciate the well intended concern.

OP- what makes you so certain he won't be violent once you change your response to his tantrums? How can you know what he'll do when his behavior isn't just being accepted and overlooked until it passes? I think this is what some PP's are seeing that you are not.

OP with an update and some clarification. I know many of you won’t believe me, but there is zero threat of violence here. Think of it like this: DH’s outbursts are a lot like a skunk spraying. He makes a stink and runs because he feels threatened by anything that makes him feel uncomfortable and inadequate. He is not looking to engage.

His tantrums are more like a five-year-old’s irrational blowup that passes almost instantly. He is quick to recover and is back to his loving self. I’m more emotional (and sensitive because I’m so worn out) and carry the hurt longer. I don’t mean to diminish anything. His behavior is dumb, and it’s affecting our family. But I feel perfectly safe, I am not terrified, my children are fine. They are of course seeing an adult behave the way they do when they’re angry, and that’s something we need to address. This is not worthy of an emergency exit.

I’ve been really touched by the support and suggestions here. I’m concerned that my initial posts have misrepresented my situation, and the suggestions I’m getting to divorce, to run for my life, are so well-intended but way beyond what is required here.

I’m not sleeping because we have an infant/young kids and because of my work shift. So much of my irritation comes from the fact that I’m tired and don’t have the energy to devote to diffusing silly outbursts. He’s tired too, but he’s not getting up with a baby all night either so i have little sympathy there.

I plan to write down my thoughts when I’m not exhausted and emotional, let him process them when he’s not tired and emotional, and come up with a time when we can sit down and talk like partners, not enemies. Thank you to the PPs who suggested this because I do agree so much of our issue is that we’re trying to work things out in the middle of already stressful moments.