Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

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Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

No, my response states clearly - instead of implying - that assuming you're a normal person with a normal mother, you love your mother more than you love your MIL.

I mean, maybe you don't. I really don't know you or your mother. For most normal daughters and mothers it happens to be true.

I happen to have both daughters and sons. I made peace with the probability that I will have better access to my daughter's children than my sons' children, all other things being equal. That's because my daughter will think of me before her MIL, and my sons' wives will think of their mother before me.

Instead of accepting (and possibly encouraging) that dynamic, why don't you try fostering a better relationship with your sons now? My point is that my MIL has access to my kids because her son gives access. I don't play gatekeeper, and DH invites his mother to stay with us often (in addition to flying us all to see his family multiple times a year).

I have an excellent relationship with my sons, thank you. I don't believe you understand what I'm saying. I will spell it again for you. A daughter will never love her MIL, no matter how great, as much as she loves her mother. It is stupid to think you can compete.

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Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

Guys just don't care the same. Dh doesn't want to talk to his parents daily. He calls his dad once a week and they don't really discuss family things. They talk about sports or politics. His mom wants him to call daily with specifics about our kids, which is what I like to talk to my mom about.

Sexist bs. Plenty of guys do care and manage the relationships.

+1

And plenty of moms and daughters have no interest in talking on the phone to one another every day.

Anonymous wrote:We paid a lot of money to have the grandchildren in a home that's five minutes from ours. It was money well spent. The paternal grandparents prefer casino weekends.

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

I totally agree with this. My mom is the same way, but my mil seems like she could care less. A picture and a yearly visit, is more than enough for her. My husband has to practically beg her to come visit, and she often makes a lame excuse about why she can't. The friends I know whose MIL's have a lot of access to the grandkids and spend a lot of time with them, are the ones that offer help and don't make things about them. These mil's genuinely enjoy spending time with their son, DIL, and grandkids, and are helpful without being overbearing.

I understand both of you completely. The question, though, that you need to ask and answer very honestly is this: do you let your mom get away with things that would annoy you to high heavens in your MIL? In other words...are your standards of acceptable behavior identical for your MIL and your mom? Or does mom get a break because she's mom?

I'm not blaming, please understand. Just trying to be honest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

I totally agree with this. My mom is the same way, but my mil seems like she could care less. A picture and a yearly visit, is more than enough for her. My husband has to practically beg her to come visit, and she often makes a lame excuse about why she can't. The friends I know whose MIL's have a lot of access to the grandkids and spend a lot of time with them, are the ones that offer help and don't make things about them. These mil's genuinely enjoy spending time with their son, DIL, and grandkids, and are helpful without being overbearing.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

Anonymous wrote:
Who cares if a DIL doesn't love her MIL as much as her own daughter? My husband doesn't love my mother as much as I love my mother either. Your attitude about loves and family relationships is so sexist and narrow-minded. In my original post, I pointed out that mothers without daughters don't need to be pitied because they can have loving relationships with their sons. If you don't think your son's love is worth the same weight as your daughter's love, then that's your sad mindset to live with. Not everyone feels the same.

This thread is about mothers being the sole gatekeeper in terms of access to grandchildren. I encourage mothers to challenge this dynamic by raising your sons to be as close to you as your daughters, so you don't have to go begging your DIL for access to the kids.