Anonymous
03/22/2018 10:35
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
Anonymous wrote:Shouldn’t these feelings have been worked out when the grandparents left the house to the aunt, and not the mom? At that point, OP should not have ever counted on getting an inheritance from that piece of property. Mom didn’t seem to mind, and at that point, OP should have known that she wasn’t getting anything either.
More than anything else, this seems like a simple case of envy. The sister will have a nice house in return for work she has done, and OP feels a bit green in the face, and is twisting herself in knots to justify it. Let it go, and be happy for your sister.
OP’s mom is not the grandparents’ child. OP’s Dad who seems to have predeceased his parents is the child of the people who built the house.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 10:34
Subject: Re:Upset that sister has been given family home
OP again here. First I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. As mentioned in previous replies, I fully understand that my initial reaction to this situation was deeply problematic and my interpretation of the situation was wrong - in that my aunt and uncle had quite likely decided together that my sister should get the house, and that it was never right for me to expect anything. I acknowledge this and see that I have work to do here.
I will defend myself and say that knowing I am in the wrong here does not stop the fact that I feel hurt. And I know that feeling hurt does not mean that I was right. It just means that I have stuff to work on.
I will defend myself and say that knowing I am in the wrong here does not stop the fact that I feel hurt. And I know that feeling hurt does not mean that I was right. It just means that I have stuff to work on.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 10:00
Subject: Re:Upset that sister has been given family home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here - ok I hear you. I am being selfish. I get that and I need to work on being a better person. That is for sure.
I was very close to my aunt and uncle - they did not need money, they were better off than we are paying a mortgage and two daycare tuitions here in the DMV. I visited as often as I could. My aunt often said that the house was ours (the three kids) and that she hoped her husband would not cut my brother out since they did not get along. And I agree, he could have stayed in the house, remarked and left it to his new wife - lots of other scenarios that would have been difficult.
My sister was going to leave NYC anyway - she was unhappy there and her apartment was being made into condos so she had to move. She was able to move home and fit her whole life into the trunk of her car. So yes, she upended her life - but she was planning on leaving NYC anyways. She could have moved into her own apartment - but she chose to live with them and be an amazing support to them both. So yes - my sister was a caretaker, but she worked full time and my mom and many other family members and friends did the bulk of the day to day care taking. My uncle is in great health and was there as well. But like I said, I am not upset with my uncle - I get that it is good for him to have her living with him.
To the poster who said if I want a house I should work, save and then buy - that is what we have done. That is why I could not pick up and move my whole family home. My sister did not make those choices - and this is where I need to let go... I see that.
I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close. And that it is only through living with someone who is dying that you can be loving and caring and a support in their lives. I was as involved as I could be in helping her make decisions about doctors, treatment decisions, etc. as I could be.
Hearing all of these perspectives has actually been very helpful - thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I have a lot of work to do to work through this.
You are still making it about the money and nothing else.
Exactly, OP. Your lifelong relationship with your aunt was caring and close--you should be "compensated" for that with warm memories and love, which you have been. That relationship shouldn't have a price tag or an expectation of an inheritance; YOU are making this about money; YOU are equating money and possessions with love.
You are not right, you are not justified. You are wrong on this one, OP. Work on yourself.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 09:54
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
I was one of the Pps that said it's ok that your sister is getting the house.
But I do think your feelings are understandable. Don't be so hard on yourself. But also don't let your feelings be known to your family members.
But I do think your feelings are understandable. Don't be so hard on yourself. But also don't let your feelings be known to your family members.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 09:45
Subject: Re:Upset that sister has been given family home
I want to know how much the house is worth!!
Anonymous
03/22/2018 09:44
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
My mother is going through this now, but from the other side. She is helping an ailing family member while her two siblings have not lifted a finger. That's fine. They have their own lives. But they do not realize the sacrifices my mother has made and I know when this family member dies the two siblings will hate on my mother for getting a generous inheritance.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 09:26
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
Anonymous wrote:I hope you truly understand how selfish and petty you are being, OP. Your mother is correct that she should not get involved, as she has no business interfering with her BILs financial plans. Your sister did a very kind act -- she took care of an ill aunt and now is caring for your elderly uncle. And all you can muster is to be angry that she gets his house because you had a reception there? Really?
+1
Honestly, OP if you were my daughter this little tantrum of yours would color my opinion of you and any inheritance I was considering giving to you would be adjusted.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 09:08
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
If it makes you feel better, It sounds like Uncle will be hit with one heck of a gift tax as a result of just signing over his house.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 08:49
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
OP, I don't know if this will help or not, but I doubt your aunt ever intended you to have the house, or share in it. Had she wanted it to go to the three of you after your uncle passed, that would have been incredibly easy to arrange - her will could have left the house to the three of you with a life estate to your uncle, which would have endured he could live there for the rest of his life. This is first year law school stuff, so if anlwyer helped with her will, she knew about this option.
I only point this out in the hopes that it might help you feel less "cheated," or help you let go of the idea that your uncle isn't honoring your aunt's wishes. I strongly suspect that your aunt and uncle discussed leaving the house to your sister prior to your aunt's passing. And their decision is justified given what your sister has done for them. Yes, it was her choice, but it was still a sacrifice. And it doesn't mean that your aunt and uncle love you less or appreciate you less, or that you loved them less. It's simply the most logical solution given the situation.
I only point this out in the hopes that it might help you feel less "cheated," or help you let go of the idea that your uncle isn't honoring your aunt's wishes. I strongly suspect that your aunt and uncle discussed leaving the house to your sister prior to your aunt's passing. And their decision is justified given what your sister has done for them. Yes, it was her choice, but it was still a sacrifice. And it doesn't mean that your aunt and uncle love you less or appreciate you less, or that you loved them less. It's simply the most logical solution given the situation.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 08:45
Subject: Re:Upset that sister has been given family home
Is there at least a contingency that states that she is not allowed to sell the house, so that it stays in the family? She is part of the family. My uncle has control of my grandparent's house until his death, and then it passes to his remaining brothers and sisters. My brother, sister, and I pretty much grew up in that house, because they were our closest neighbors. At some point, my mother, aunts, and uncles will divide it (although I suspect that my mother will keep her part, since she also owns other land there, and she's not stupid). The rest will sell their parts to one of my uncles, who owns everything except what my mother owns. She's saving it for one of my kids, who is the only one who has expressed an interest in the land. I do think that when something means something special to everyone, not just one person, something should be done to make it as equal as possible. Your brother doesn't sound emotionally invested, but you are. I get that. Good luck, OP.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 08:20
Subject: Re:Upset that sister has been given family home
It's your uncle's choice and he made the right choice. Get over it and don't hold a grudge against your sister. You're being petty.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 08:00
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
Shouldn’t these feelings have been worked out when the grandparents left the house to the aunt, and not the mom? At that point, OP should not have ever counted on getting an inheritance from that piece of property. Mom didn’t seem to mind, and at that point, OP should have known that she wasn’t getting anything either.
More than anything else, this seems like a simple case of envy. The sister will have a nice house in return for work she has done, and OP feels a bit green in the face, and is twisting herself in knots to justify it. Let it go, and be happy for your sister.
More than anything else, this seems like a simple case of envy. The sister will have a nice house in return for work she has done, and OP feels a bit green in the face, and is twisting herself in knots to justify it. Let it go, and be happy for your sister.
Anonymous
03/22/2018 00:38
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
OP also needs to stop looking at the house as payment now for duties performed in the past, and start looking at it as a favor to the sister to ensure that she'll be in his house and around when he needs help soon.
If he lived in the big house alone, and made the sister buy a house elsewhere, she'd spend all her time working and stressed with no time to help him. If he sold it now and downsized just to give all 3 kids an equal inheritance (which it sounds like he didn't want to do anyway since he would prefer to exclude the brother?) then he'd be living somewhere alone and hoping that someone would come and spend time with him often.
He chose a better way of life for himself. Can't blame him for that, he's not dead yet!
If he lived in the big house alone, and made the sister buy a house elsewhere, she'd spend all her time working and stressed with no time to help him. If he sold it now and downsized just to give all 3 kids an equal inheritance (which it sounds like he didn't want to do anyway since he would prefer to exclude the brother?) then he'd be living somewhere alone and hoping that someone would come and spend time with him often.
He chose a better way of life for himself. Can't blame him for that, he's not dead yet!
Anonymous
03/21/2018 23:23
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. Your aunt was very conscious of being fair to all three of you. My sister would be the same way with my kids. Your uncle made what he thinks is a kind and generous gift to your sister and it is one, but it negates how your aunt expressed her desire to see the family’s assets shared amongst her neices and nephew.
That said, if your uncle wants to remain in the house and wants companionship and is close with your sister and her new husband, there really was no way to have that and leave the house to all three of you for all the reasons others have pointed out. Your sister is in many ways giving up the opportunity to buy a home with her husband and build an independent life with him, including investing in real estate. Your uncle might live for another 30 years, you said he is healthy and in good shape. She has made a big commitment to him in this.
No one knows whether or not Uncle has money set aside for the other two, made them the beneficiaries of a life insurance policy, etc.
The house might not be the only thing they have to remember OP and her brother.
Wouldn't OP look like an ass if she raises a stink over the house only to learn that there was a different inheritance waiting for her.
Yes, but the point of my post above is that OP’s feelings are entirely understandable and she is trying to work through them. We don’t have to call her selfish for having understandable feelings, but should give her another perspective that the uncle may have been trying to do his best under the circumstances and help her understand that it is not a black and white matter of having decided to cut her out of his will. Also explaining that the cost to her sister will be long term as well.
Anonymous
03/21/2018 22:50
Subject: Upset that sister has been given family home
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. Your aunt was very conscious of being fair to all three of you. My sister would be the same way with my kids. Your uncle made what he thinks is a kind and generous gift to your sister and it is one, but it negates how your aunt expressed her desire to see the family’s assets shared amongst her neices and nephew.
That said, if your uncle wants to remain in the house and wants companionship and is close with your sister and her new husband, there really was no way to have that and leave the house to all three of you for all the reasons others have pointed out. Your sister is in many ways giving up the opportunity to buy a home with her husband and build an independent life with him, including investing in real estate. Your uncle might live for another 30 years, you said he is healthy and in good shape. She has made a big commitment to him in this.
No one knows whether or not Uncle has money set aside for the other two, made them the beneficiaries of a life insurance policy, etc.
The house might not be the only thing they have to remember OP and her brother.
Wouldn't OP look like an ass if she raises a stink over the house only to learn that there was a different inheritance waiting for her.