Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the reason everyone says you MUST say your kids are beautiful is because we are conflating beauty with worth. Everyone is worthy, but not everyone is beautiful. Unattractive people know that they are. You aren't fooling them and you aren't helping them you are only further supporting the idea that for a woman being beautiful is the most important thing.

This! Have you noticed how when someone posts a picture of their daughter saying "Larla at the band concert" everyone says "Oh she's so beautiful" and when they post a photo of their son "Larlo at his band concert" people say "How accomplished! He's so talented" with only a few "So handsome's" scattered about?

No, I haven't noticed this at all. I see people saying both things about both boys and girls - that they're both handsome or beautiful AND so accomplished and talented. It is possible to be both. And calling someone "beautiful" even if they're not is a kindness that is appreciated by any parent of an unattractive or average looking child. Every child wants to be thought of as beautiful, even when they know deep down they're not. Maybe especially then, in fact.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the reason everyone says you MUST say your kids are beautiful is because we are conflating beauty with worth. Everyone is worthy, but not everyone is beautiful. Unattractive people know that they are. You aren't fooling them and you aren't helping them you are only further supporting the idea that for a woman being beautiful is the most important thing.

I have boys and girls. I would never in a million years tell any of them that they are anything less than beautiful and handsome. Period. Whether they are or aren't is really beside the point. That some of you don't understand something so basic is chilling.

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, op. Please don’t have that conversation with her. I recently saw an interview with Donald Sutherland. He was sobbing as he told a story about asking his mom if he was attractive. She told him that his “face has character.” He was very hurt and clearly still is. Your daughter might already think she is unattractive. She does NOT need you to confirm it! You can find ways to show her that looks aren’t important without telling her she’s ugly!

+100
I read about that interview. How can a parent not understand the damage s/he does by not telling their own children how beautiful/handsome they are?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand how any of you guys can think your kids are not beautiful. I look at my kids and I know they are absolutely gorgeous. They bring a smile to my face every day; how could I find that not beautiful? I'm sure it's not objective (it's not supposed to be), but I thought everyone felt this way about their kids.

+100
Who are these people who think they’re somehow doing their kids a favor by implying or actually stating that they’re not attractive? I can’t imagine growing up knowing that my own parents didn’t think I was beautiful. This is a very sad thread.

+200

Same. There are so many different kinds of pretty OP, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. To tell her she is just "not pretty" would be horrible

This. Who on earth would say this to their child?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand how any of you guys can think your kids are not beautiful. I look at my kids and I know they are absolutely gorgeous. They bring a smile to my face every day; how could I find that not beautiful? I'm sure it's not objective (it's not supposed to be), but I thought everyone felt this way about their kids.

+100
Who are these people who think they’re somehow doing their kids a favor by implying or actually stating that they’re not attractive? I can’t imagine growing up knowing that my own parents didn’t think I was beautiful. This is a very sad thread.

+200

So when you look around at a crowd, all you see are beautiful people? No one looks average? And average people cannot admit that they look average and be proud of it, because it is heresy to our cultural idolatry of beauty?

Not at all. You have completely missed the point - which is that you tell your kids they are beautiful regardless of what an objective bystander might think. You let them know from day one that they are beautiful, special, smart, talented, etc. Because to you, the parent, they are. And they need to internalize that, because eventually they'll be old enough to realize not all of those things are true. But they'll know that at least their parents truly believed it.

You seem very, very literal. To the detriment of your own children's feelings.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48985/phenomenal-woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the reason everyone says you MUST say your kids are beautiful is because we are conflating beauty with worth. Everyone is worthy, but not everyone is beautiful. Unattractive people know that they are. You aren't fooling them and you aren't helping them you are only further supporting the idea that for a woman being beautiful is the most important thing.

This! Have you noticed how when someone posts a picture of their daughter saying "Larla at the band concert" everyone says "Oh she's so beautiful" and when they post a photo of their son "Larlo at his band concert" people say "How accomplished! He's so talented" with only a few "So handsome's" scattered about?

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, the reason everyone says you MUST say your kids are beautiful is because we are conflating beauty with worth. Everyone is worthy, but not everyone is beautiful. Unattractive people know that they are. You aren't fooling them and you aren't helping them you are only further supporting the idea that for a woman being beautiful is the most important thing.

This! Have you noticed how when someone posts a picture of their daughter saying "Larla at the band concert" everyone says "Oh she's so beautiful" and when they post a photo of their son "Larlo at his band concert" people say "How accomplished! He's so talented" with only a few "So handsome's" scattered about?

Jesus, the reason everyone says you MUST say your kids are beautiful is because we are conflating beauty with worth. Everyone is worthy, but not everyone is beautiful. Unattractive people know that they are. You aren't fooling them and you aren't helping them you are only further supporting the idea that for a woman being beautiful is the most important thing.

Anonymous wrote:....anyone can find the right clothes, hair, makeup, poise, etc. but even for beautiful celebrities that stuff can take an awful lot of time. I hope you invest the short time you have to live your life in things that really bring you joy.

I'm a man, and I have sons, so I can't give you specific advice based on experience, but I think the above is really smart.

This is based on the fact that for most of my life, I've been told that I was handsome. I don't have a lot of self confidence, so I never really believed it. I realize now, though, that I was tall and fit, and for my work I had to dress pretty nicely, and that's probably what they meant. For a couple of years I went through a period of being out of shape and caring less about my clothes, and I recently realized that I had become kind of invisible to most people. Now I'm spending a lot of time in the gym and paying more attention to my clothes and hair, and I really notice that people are much friendlier.

So I think anyone can put in the time and effort to learn how to be attractive, and I think many people that the media presents as super attractive would be unrecognizable without the clothes and makeup. I would not tell your daughter that she's not pretty, but rather that it's a question of how much time she wants to invest in her appearance, and is that a priority for her? I might talk with her about how she wants to invest her time in order to be happy and healthy, and likely spending tons of time on fashion and makeup are not good investments if she's not really into them. However, being fit, active and confident are good for physical and mental health (so intrinsically rewarding), and they have a side benefit of being things that people find attractive.

Also, some parents seem much better than others at helping their kids find becoming clothes, hairstyles, glasses, etc. I have a sister who was really unattractive as young teen because my mom basically dressed her like the church lady from SNL. When she got old enough to pick her own clothes and hairstyle, suddenly she was much better looking. If this is not a strong suit for you, OP (it's certainly not for me), maybe you could get some advice from a kind friend who is more into this stuff. Not that your daughter would ever know, but you could just suggest more becoming stuff next time you shop.

I love my kids' faces. Does that mean they're handsome? And who cares?

I would acknowledge that our society values a certain sort of physical appearance and that it can be fun to do things that affect our looks, either to meet that standard (nice haircut) or to jab at it (bright pink hair). But ultimately, it's not an interesting question:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0ahUKEwjzuJq0lfHZAhXlSt8KHX7NDLAQtwIIJzAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DM6wJl37N9C0&usg=AOvVaw36RE3RyZRKeA9Bz7uVgEKa

Anonymous wrote:Do not tell her anything other than that she is beautiful unless you want her to spend thousands on therapy and end up hating you for a lifetime.

This.

I actually am beautiful but my mom used to tell me as a child that I wasn’t. She explained to me later that she didn’t want me to focus on looks but on smarts. And she didn’t want me to have a big ego.

This resulted me in being smart, though nerdy, and have low self esteem growing up that took me awhile to work through.

I love my mom but I also hate her and have not talked to her for over 10 years. This wasn’t the only reason of course but certainly contributed to the fact we don’t have a relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is trite, but I would say something like..

You know how your favorite color is green and someone else's favorite color is blue, well, everyone has a different opinion about what is their favorite, or what is "pretty", or what their favorite ice cream flavor is. Some people like blue eyes, other green eyes; some people like blonde hair, others black hair. So, you are beautiful, maybe not to everyone, but you are to me, and there will be others who will think you are beautiful, too.

As you get older, your beauty fades. The only beauty that will last is the beauty on the inside. And for many, a beautiful person on the inside makes the person look beautiful on the outside too. It's like a light shining from the inside out. This is the only real beauty that will last a lifetime.

I know.. trite, but this is how I explained it to my 8 yr old DD.

Oh dear God. Just tell her of course she is! This is not hard, people!

I will not lie to my child about her looks or her abilities, but I did tell her that to me she is beautiful.

That obviously means she is not beautiful. Your child is not dumb.

Actually, I think she is, and others have told me, too, but some mean kids have told her she is ugly just to be mean, plus I know that someone will eventually think she is not so beautiful, and that's fine, but she will need to know how to deal with it. I also want them to look past other people's look, too. Indeed, my child is not dumb, and I don't want her to be vain either.

OP I don’t know how old your daughter is, but things could certainly change with her looks. I was not a cute kid from about K-6th grade. People sometimes called me ugly to my face. But something changed by 7th grade and I became much more attractive. I even ended up doing some modeling. I am now in my 40s and still considered to be attractive. I can’t even imagine what it would have done to me if my own mom had told me, or implied, that I was unattractive.

Good grief, op. Please don’t have that conversation with her. I recently saw an interview with Donald Sutherland. He was sobbing as he told a story about asking his mom if he was attractive. She told him that his “face has character.” He was very hurt and clearly still is. Your daughter might already think she is unattractive. She does NOT need you to confirm it! You can find ways to show her that looks aren’t important without telling her she’s ugly!

'The ugly wife is a treasure at home'
http://www.thisisinsider.com/marriage-family-values-china-melissa-schneider-ugly-wife-treasure-2016-12

http://www.visiontimes.com/2017/08/01/how-an-ugly-wife-brought-prosperity-to-her-husband.html