If the kids don't want you there, please don't go. You're not entitled to a relationship with a child just because you married their parent.

Anonymous wrote:After age 10 or so, generally:
Kids want to see their Dad, not you.
Same goes for Moms and stepdads.
I hate the term stepmom/dad, unless you raised a child from baby or toddlerhood.

Not true at all.

After age 10 or so, generally:
Kids want to see their Dad, not you.
Same goes for Moms and stepdads.
I hate the term stepmom/dad, unless you raised a child from baby or toddlerhood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to step son's HS graduation a few years ago and it was awkward as DH's Ex-W would like to imagine a world where my DC and I don't exist (and no, I wasn't an AP).

I then skipped my step daughters 6th grade graduation and 8th grade graduation. Will probably skip her HS graduation and step son's college graduation.

We tried for so long to just hang out and get to know each other and it was really painful for everyone (and the kids obviously feel their mother's feelings and are mindful of how she would feel if they go too close to DC and I) so it was best to just let the chips fall where they may. I see step son a few times a year, during the shutdown I didnt see step daughter for almost the full two years. It is what it is.

On the other hand, my ex-DH has had a live-in girlfriend for a few years and she's come to sports events and performances with ex and I could care less. She isn't his mom, I'm not intimidated by her and having a friendly relationship with whom DH is with is only better for my DC.

How do you know they "feel their mother's feelings"? Maybe they just don't like you! I certainly dislike my stepmother even though my mother doesn't mind. And my stepmother's insistence on blaming my mother only makes me dislike her and avoid her even more.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the bio parent (crazy ex-wife) is there: NO. If she is not there: ALWAYS! It works for us, because she lives out of state, has no custody, and maybe attends two events per year. I am more of a parent than she will ever be.

Her child doesn't think that. Her child wishes it was mommy doing all that, not you.

Not in this case. Mommy has untreated mental health issues (refuses treatment) and is unable to take of herself or the child.

My Ex lives out of state and has untreated mental health issues and has zero custody because of it. It doesn’t matter because DC loves their dad and wishes more than anything in the world that he could be there for him.

Sorry you can be the worst parent bit children will always love, long for and prefer, their natural parent more than just about any other adult in their lives.

As the sane parent I wish with all of my heart that it were as simple as you pretend it to be… but you are wrong.

This is true in most cases EXCEPT when the ex practices parental alienation. If a child is taught, overtly or covertly, that their other parent is expendable or doesn't care about them, then that parent is shunned by child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the bio parent (crazy ex-wife) is there: NO. If she is not there: ALWAYS! It works for us, because she lives out of state, has no custody, and maybe attends two events per year. I am more of a parent than she will ever be.

Her child doesn't think that. Her child wishes it was mommy doing all that, not you.

Not in this case. Mommy has untreated mental health issues (refuses treatment) and is unable to take of herself or the child.

My Ex lives out of state and has untreated mental health issues and has zero custody because of it. It doesn’t matter because DC loves their dad and wishes more than anything in the world that he could be there for him.

Sorry you can be the worst parent bit children will always love, long for and prefer, their natural parent more than just about any other adult in their lives.

As the sane parent I wish with all of my heart that it were as simple as you pretend it to be… but you are wrong.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is from 2018.

Sadly, nothing has changed since then as stepparents are still universally unliked and unwelcome.

This. We could resurrect this thread a hundred years from now and it would still be the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the bio parent (crazy ex-wife) is there: NO. If she is not there: ALWAYS! It works for us, because she lives out of state, has no custody, and maybe attends two events per year. I am more of a parent than she will ever be.

Her child doesn't think that. Her child wishes it was mommy doing all that, not you.

Not in this case. Mommy has untreated mental health issues (refuses treatment) and is unable to take of herself or the child.

Wow. Perhaps rather than bragging, "I am more of a parent than she will ever be," you might have some empathy for a person struggling with mental illness.

My exH has bipolar depression. Due to his mental illness, he is not a great parent, but I recognize that he loves the kids and they love him. Sometimes it does frustrate me that I have to do all the parenting and have all the responsibility, much to my detriment. And I hate to see how his negligence hurts the kids. Then I try to remember that he didn't choose to be mentally ill and even the best therapy and medication isn't going to magically fix his issues. I try to remind myself that he is probably doing his best, and I try to be supportive within boundaries that are safe for us.

I also try to remember that our kids have a higher chance of having mental illness. The way I treat him is the way I would want other people to treat my kids if they became mentally ill. Being angry and shaming a me tally ill person doesn't help them.

Perhaps you could find some empathy for the mentally ill parent.

I think its fine. My ex brings his partner to my children's activities and I don't have an issue with it. They are a family and want to appear supportive.

It depends on the situation and context. My stepparents did not get involved or feel the need to publicly act involved. My ex’s wife met my kids as older teens and plans their milestone events (sweet 16, weddings, showers) without consultation but expects me to pay for it while she takes over. She competes for mother moments (wanted my daughter to use her mothers ring as an engagement ring rather than my mothers??!). It’s all very bizarre and overstepping.

My long-term partner's son has asked me to attend certain events. In general, schedule will keep me from going since I have a couple of my own. But if he wants me there enough to ask, I will absolutely go. His father and I do it very much on a case-by-case basis. My partner is very much welcomed by my ex to all my kids' events, but I am much less welcomed by my partner's ex even though she seems to bring a different man every time.

I do because it is part of parenting even if I’m a stepmom. I have run into my husbands ex a few time at events and she is very cordial and in no way upset.

Anonymous wrote:Like sports, birthday parties, school events, etc? Or do you think that’s overstepping your boundaries?

Of course you should attend.

Anonymous wrote:Like sports, birthday parties, school events, etc? Or do you think that’s overstepping your boundaries?

For an actual step-parent (married to a parent and possibly living at least part time with the child)? No

For a new partner? Yes

In between? Maybe. Depends on the relationship with the kid, but also the insecurity of the ex. My ex hated that DH coached DD’s teams and attended all of her events. Ex could have, but was too busy with self-destructive behaviors. Thank God that DH stuck with it because ex is dead now. It would have been very difficult to try to kindle a close relationship at age 16.

This thread is from 2018.

Sadly, nothing has changed since then as stepparents are still universally unliked and unwelcome.