How long have you been married?

Many couples struggle with domestic responsibilities. My husband appreciates direct communication. He also doesn't like to feel micromanaged. What works for us is to divide chores and urgent responsibilities.

Would you be open to listening to some podcasts? I have some suggestions that I think would help you ease into making some small changes that could have big results.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there are two issues here. DH sounds like a bit of a man baby in some regards (needs help packing his lunch? boy, bye) but OP also sounds like a control freak/martyr type.

Yeah. The cat litter is the only thing that needed to be done, IMO. Why did you have to hit the ground running after a weekend away and long drive? Maybe he just wanted to chill for a while and get to the chores later - there’s actually nothing wrong with that. It seems that you and your DH are different in this respect, but there’s no right or wrong way.

I’m more like your DH, and so is my husband - we’re pretty laid back, and after traveling we both definitely need some downtime before we get to unpacking, laundry, etc. Since you and your DH are so different in this way, you need to find a happy medium. Don’t unpack for him or do his laundry for him - let him handle his own, in his own time. Let him shop for food, or pick up some prepared food or takeout, since you’re sick. If he asks you to make a different soup, tell him absolutely not. If he asks you to make his lunch for the next day, tell him you are sick in bed and down for the count - don’t indulge him.

Maybe I missed it, but who was the one who wanted the cat?

I feel like the person who decided to get the cat should be responsible for dealing with it, especially at times when everyone is exhausted after a trip, etc.

Yes, even if you're sick, unless you're so sick that you're literally in bed.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, what a bunch of control freaks. So typical of DCUM. OP did it ever occur to you that the problem is that just because you TOLD him to do something it does not require that it be done right away? He's not a child. Nothing you mentioned was an emergency or time-sensitive. God forbid the laundry get done on ::gasp:: Monday! Just because you want the litter box cleaned out RIGHT now does not require your DH to obey your every command. Stop treating him like a child and perhaps he will stop acting like one. Why don't you try treating him as an equal partner and see how that works out.

I agree. OP you asked that man to do way too much when y'all got back from vacation. Who wants to do all that when they just walked thru the door?

You are a harpy shrew. Having children will make you worse, so hold off for now.

You clearly enjoy treating your husband, and probably everyone else, like a child or your personal servant.

Treat him like a man and he just might start acting like one. Right now you're mothering him, which is pretty gross.

You may laugh, but one of the most helpful things we do when we disagree is switch to animal noises (like cats, dogs, bears, lions, etc.). You can express a lot without getting super angry when you are being a little silly.


That idea really does not appeal to me, but glad you found something that works for you.

I think the general idea of trying to maintain playfulness and a sense of humor is a very good one. It really does help to stay calm and not take anything too seriously.

Sure, that's cool. I just don't think that making animal noises would do it for me. But a sense of humor is subjective, as my 9 year old (whose jokes generally involve Minecraft or Pokemon) regularly tells me.

Anonymous wrote:

You may laugh, but one of the most helpful things we do when we disagree is switch to animal noises (like cats, dogs, bears, lions, etc.). You can express a lot without getting super angry when you are being a little silly.

That idea really does not appeal to me, but glad you found something that works for you.

I think the general idea of trying to maintain playfulness and a sense of humor is a very good one. It really does help to stay calm and not take anything too seriously.

You may laugh, but one of the most helpful things we do when we disagree is switch to animal noises (like cats, dogs, bears, lions, etc.). You can express a lot without getting super angry when you are being a little silly.

That idea really does not appeal to me, but glad you found something that works for you.

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly.

I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way.

I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.

+1

Except for maybe the litter box, you didn't have to do any of the things. Why clean or do laundry if you have the flu? Order some food delivered and watch Netflix for a couple days. You're sounding like a martyr with high standards. Why are you making him a special soup or fixing stuff if you're sick? He's acting like a child because you're acting like a parent.

Then don't have a kid with him. If you are unhappy in the relationship, and don't think he's going to change, the best thing to do is go your ways while you are still young enough to meet some one else and have a kid with them.