Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I hear most from parents of two or more regarding only children is that they use a child's status as an only child to blame any slight behavioral issue. But if their own child has any such issues there's an explanation about why that is the case and it pretty much never has to do with the way they parent or anything related to their own family choices.

I'm a parent of an only and I hear people make comments all the time in my presence about other families with one child. I just figure if it makes them feel better about their own situation then whatever. The ones who most often do this are the ones who usually have trouble handling their own kids. The other thing that I hear a lot is people marveling at how my child "shares so well for an only". I work full time so he has been in childcare with other kids since he was 12 weeks old and *somehow* learned how to interact with other children even though he doesn't have any siblings. Imagine that.

Yes, this.

+2

I have an only and have never heard/felt this. However, twice people have made comments, like "Oh, it must be hard to have an only." But both times the comments were made by SAHMs who had lots of kids. I recognize their reality is different than mine. They couldn't afford to travel, their children mostly had second hand clothes and they could not afford to go to the nicer summer camps or extracurricular activities. On the other hand my husband and I bring in a large salary, travel a lot internationally and can afford to have our child in lots of camps, classes. Honestly, our child has lots of toys, is very well dressed, etc. all of the things that a family with a high in come and an only child can afford to do. The SAHMs who made these comments might be envious of our disposable income and lifestyle so I know where its coming from, it doesn't offend me and we love our life.

I think people who comment on the number of children someone has whether its one or ten are jealous in some way. People who have lots of kids may envy the flexibility and options an "only child" family may have. A family with an only child may envy a larger family because they wished their child had siblings. When people make these comments, it says more about them than you. And I don't believe people who claim that larger families are inconsiderate and irresponsible ("using up more than their share of the world's resources"). For some reason, their large family makes YOU feel inadequate. Why? Why do you care so much?

Anonymous wrote:Parent of an only by choice (I know, the worst parent ever). Never had anyone say anything to me. Kind of wish they would.

Yep, me too. Bring it on!

Parent of an only by choice (I know, the worst parent ever). Never had anyone say anything to me. Kind of wish they would.

Anonymous wrote:I would never judge a single child household because there is likely a fertility problem.

I will always judge a 4+ child household because there is definitely a values and/or intelligence problem.

This post is emblematic of the bizarre hatred many citizens of dcumlandia have for families with 4+. Three is the new two, but 4+ prompts ridiculous responses. Having observed this in countless threads, the common denominator seems to be envy. Most of the criticism starts with "they have a 4th child as a status symbol." So weird, right? But every thread includes those comments which clearly are prompted by envy. Then the rock throwing begins: "they're uber religious," "too stupid for birth control," "poorly educated," etc.

DH and I have 4 kids. We aren't very religious, we both have advanced degrees and professional careers, and we most certainly did not have our 4th child as a status symbol. We know several families with 4 kids (because after all, 4 is the new 3), and they are very comparable to our family.

I have an only child and several (old) people have told me I’m harming my child by having only one.

My neighbors will say more oblique things like, “we had two because we didn’t want jimmy to be self centered and spoiled.”

But, news flash: jimmy is still self-centered and spoiled! So I guess it didn’t work?

I am the oldest of 2; my sibling was born when I was 5. My only child is 4 right now. Her experience of sharing, etc is the same as mine was at this age - - better, probably, as she's in full time daycare and we have a kid friendly neighborhood. It's weird that people think she's fundamentally different than someone who has a sibling 5+ years younger.

But people definitely do think that. I get a lot of questions about it from relatives and daycare teachers. Im surprised people ask so often, actually, because although this is my plan/choice Id think more people would assume infertility.

Anonymous wrote:What I hear most from parents of two or more regarding only children is that they use a child's status as an only child to blame any slight behavioral issue. But if their own child has any such issues there's an explanation about why that is the case and it pretty much never has to do with the way they parent or anything related to their own family choices.

I'm a parent of an only and I hear people make comments all the time in my presence about other families with one child. I just figure if it makes them feel better about their own situation then whatever. The ones who most often do this are the ones who usually have trouble handling their own kids. The other thing that I hear a lot is people marveling at how my child "shares so well for an only". I work full time so he has been in childcare with other kids since he was 12 weeks old and *somehow* learned how to interact with other children even though he doesn't have any siblings. Imagine that.

Yes, this.

I would never judge a single child household because there is likely a fertility problem.

I will always judge a 4+ child household because there is definitely a values and/or intelligence problem.

No one judges

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never ever heard anyone make fun of only child parents.

+1 nor have I......strange thread.

OP here. I have a couple friends who are vocally anti-only child. From her perspective, at least I think (I try to avoid the conversation and make it clear that it's not my interest) parents of only children are selfish, and their kids don't know how to function with other children, that the kids are bratty and parents are self-absorbed.

I do have four kids so it's possible I hear these stories and biases more than the average person because it's assumed I share them.

My perspective is that, generally, we can stereotype only kids, multiple kids, oldest kids, bi-racial kids, kids of gay parents, kids of single parents, etc. etc. - but they are just that - stereotypes. I don't really get how it's okay to be so openly-discriminatory... I get we all have our prejudices but being so openly disdainful seems ridiculous, especially given how complicated families are. And the fact that it's 2017.

You won't keep hearing these stories if you speak up and point out that this kind of judgment is not okay. You'd speak up if they were judging someone based on sexual orientation or profession or nationality, wouldn't you? Keeping quiet puts you in their club. Some of the others might appreciate you speaking up.

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard this. Do people really do this?

I also have never seen this trend.

Parent of an only child. I have never had anyone say anything. You hang out with some strange people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never ever heard anyone make fun of only child parents.

+1 nor have I......strange thread.

OP here. I have a couple friends who are vocally anti-only child. From her perspective, at least I think (I try to avoid the conversation and make it clear that it's not my interest) parents of only children are selfish, and their kids don't know how to function with other children, that the kids are bratty and parents are self-absorbed.

I do have four kids so it's possible I hear these stories and biases more than the average person because it's assumed I share them.

My perspective is that, generally, we can stereotype only kids, multiple kids, oldest kids, bi-racial kids, kids of gay parents, kids of single parents, etc. etc. - but they are just that - stereotypes. I don't really get how it's okay to be so openly-discriminatory... I get we all have our prejudices but being so openly disdainful seems ridiculous, especially given how complicated families are. And the fact that it's 2017.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you hear the judgement when you start having three or more kid. Or boys. Or a girl who likes princess stuff. Or juice at soccer games...

OP here. I have four kids.

Then rest assured that the childless, parents of onlies and some parents of two are judging you as much as not more than those three conversations you had recently.

This is the point. I am sure they are. But it's CRAZY to me. I mean, there's almost nothing more personal than family planning issues. And I rarely say this, but who the F are we to judge others decisions/situations in this regard? There are soooo many factors in those decisions.

the whole point of judging is to judge personal decisions. what else are people going to judge?

Sure, of course. Something about judging family choices feels qualitatively different though. Maybe because there are so many very personal reasons for those choices (e.g., dad with cancer, Mom with blocked tubes experiencing a miscarriage, marriage on the rocks, religious reasons). There's something else going on too though just can't say what.