Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:55
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
Did they go out for drinks with you?
Yes, and we have been good friends for 10 years and she flat out told me that she felt bad at the time for not inviting me, but that the guest list had been set, had little wiggle room, and she appreciates me not taking it personally, since it wasn't personal.
That's how adults handle situations like that.
Adults. In a situation where the guest list was likely set before you even met her! So different from OP's scenario.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:44
Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
I think it may be a troll guys. Maybe a little hyperbole creating the mean girl mom indulging her daughter and not understanding that throwing the pre-teen par-tay of the century and excluding anyone considered a true friend may cause drama? The type of parent who spends that much on a kid's party isn't going to want to host hyped up, sugar drenched partying tweens all day and night without a lot of hired help. Maybe this is just the type of person who moves into the mini-mansions on small lots being built everywhere.
If this is real, the mom has a right to think it was tacky, but needs to let it go. You teach your kid to not sweat this stuff, but also to assume this is not a close friend. It's one thing if you want a nice venue and limit the amount, but if you can afford $150 per child then inclusion of at the very least friends is a nice way to go. Do as you please, but don't be surprised when a little girls feel are hurt and she distances herself from your princess.
If this is real, the mom has a right to think it was tacky, but needs to let it go. You teach your kid to not sweat this stuff, but also to assume this is not a close friend. It's one thing if you want a nice venue and limit the amount, but if you can afford $150 per child then inclusion of at the very least friends is a nice way to go. Do as you please, but don't be surprised when a little girls feel are hurt and she distances herself from your princess.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:39
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
You have to draw the line somewhere.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:36
Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
1. OP, you were mean but not wrong. It's your party, your money, your daughter. You can invite the kids you want. I would have invited that 4th neighborhood girl but you're not me. Obviously.
2. The other mom is perfectly justified to do what she did, too. It's exclusion and life is like that and if she wants to go around complaining she has a right to do that. I personally would just shrug if I heard this and tell DD to suck it up but again, she's not me.
3. Just make sure to keep the peace in the neighborhood. No one wants drama among the moms. When other people talk to you about excluding the girl just tell them what you told us that it was a very small party. No one will remember in a few weeks.
2. The other mom is perfectly justified to do what she did, too. It's exclusion and life is like that and if she wants to go around complaining she has a right to do that. I personally would just shrug if I heard this and tell DD to suck it up but again, she's not me.
3. Just make sure to keep the peace in the neighborhood. No one wants drama among the moms. When other people talk to you about excluding the girl just tell them what you told us that it was a very small party. No one will remember in a few weeks.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:15
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Op, it's not the invitation that's entirely the problem, it's all the lead up. As you said, "all bells and whistles ... very expensive venue blah, blah ...great goody bag" And ''rules". Just to add to the intrigue. Goodness. Kids pickup on this and if you're the one not invited, it's that much harder. You have made it harder. This is probably getting planned and discussed for weeks, and weeks after. If the party had been low-key, there would be less hurt feelings. But this is really in-your-face.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:12
Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, you just guaranteed that the "new girl," who was doing a good job of making new friends, is now going to feel sad and uncomfortable with those new friends. And you taught your daughter that the new kid is never as important as old friends.
How long does a new family have to be in your neighborhood before they're really accepted?
I feel for the new kid, but, at least for me, my forever friends are worth gold and, yes, they are more important to me. Teaching a kid that people value longtime friendships is not a bad thing. We travelled a lot growing up so I was often a new kid. But I understood some of my school friends had known each other for years. It’s life.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:08
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
Did they go out for drinks with you?
Yes, and we have been good friends for 10 years and she flat out told me that she felt bad at the time for not inviting me, but that the guest list had been set, had little wiggle room, and she appreciates me not taking it personally, since it wasn't personal.
That's how adults handle situations like that.
This is how stuff like this needs to be handled. Bravo, PP, for your mature response. You hadn't known her for years - you had just met this woman after the guest list was set.
I'm torn on this situation - I think it was kind of shitty to not invite the 4th girl, especially if all of the girls play together, because you ARE setting the stage for exclusion. I do think the mom could handle the situation better with her daughter, though. I am also of the mindset that you should invite who you want. However, at this age, and in this situation, I would have added the 4th girl.
I agree with this and a key factor is that they are new to the neighborhood, not just that it's a girl the DD has recently become friends with. It's hard to form those friendships and it would have been nice for the mom to be sensitive to that fact. My DD recently had a small birthday party and would normally only want to invite her three BFFs but a new girl to the school has become friendly with them and they now all sit together at lunch. DD recognized that while she'd never hung out with new-girl outside of school that it would be mean not to include her so she did invite her and I think it's helped to tighten the group's friendship. DD is usually pretty slow to warm up to people so I was particularly pleased to see that she had good instincts about how to navigate the guest list decision.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:07
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
Did they go out for drinks with you?
Yes, and we have been good friends for 10 years and she flat out told me that she felt bad at the time for not inviting me, but that the guest list had been set, had little wiggle room, and she appreciates me not taking it personally, since it wasn't personal.
That's how adults handle situations like that.
This is how stuff like this needs to be handled. Bravo, PP, for your mature response. You hadn't known her for years - you had just met this woman after the guest list was set.
I'm torn on this situation - I think it was kind of shitty to not invite the 4th girl, especially if all of the girls play together, because you ARE setting the stage for exclusion. I do think the mom could handle the situation better with her daughter, though. I am also of the mindset that you should invite who you want. However, at this age, and in this situation, I would have added the 4th girl.
I'm the PP who didn't get invited to the wedding.
I don't know what I would have done with the birthday party situation in the OP. For me, the $150 price tag is a complicating factor. That's a lot of money. (I wouldn't have spent $150/kid on a birthday party anyway, but that's neither here nor there in this situation.) I do think that it sets the neighborhood girls up for future conflict, but I think that it's also completely understandable. I think that the OP put her daughter in a crappy position of having to exclude a friend without giving her the tools to understand that that's what she was doing. Knowing how hit or miss my own daughter is with social graces at this age, I would have expected something like this to happen and would have tried to prepare her the same way I do at school when she doesn't invite the whole class - "Not everyone in your class was invited to your birthday party, and that is fine, but it's important to try not to talk about how much fun you had around people who were not invited so that they do not feel sad about being excluded."
Anonymous
11/03/2017 14:06
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
Did they go out for drinks with you?
Yes, and we have been good friends for 10 years and she flat out told me that she felt bad at the time for not inviting me, but that the guest list had been set, had little wiggle room, and she appreciates me not taking it personally, since it wasn't personal.
That's how adults handle situations like that.
Honestly, I would have been secretly relieved (not hurt) not to have been invited to that wedding after only knowing the person for 6 months and not really having much of a history with their social group or family. But a kid's party where a specific neighborhood playmate is singled out for exclusion is different - that would absolutely have hurt my feelings as a kid.
10 year old kids aren't little adults.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 13:59
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
Did they go out for drinks with you?
Yes, and we have been good friends for 10 years and she flat out told me that she felt bad at the time for not inviting me, but that the guest list had been set, had little wiggle room, and she appreciates me not taking it personally, since it wasn't personal.
That's how adults handle situations like that.
This is how stuff like this needs to be handled. Bravo, PP, for your mature response. You hadn't known her for years - you had just met this woman after the guest list was set.
I'm torn on this situation - I think it was kind of shitty to not invite the 4th girl, especially if all of the girls play together, because you ARE setting the stage for exclusion. I do think the mom could handle the situation better with her daughter, though. I am also of the mindset that you should invite who you want. However, at this age, and in this situation, I would have added the 4th girl.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 13:58
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
I would definitely not create a scene over this, but this would say volumes about what I and my friendship meant to this woman. And that would be, she does not value it. Friendship is a 2 way road and all that.
6 months is very little time. I have friends that I've had since high school. I think the bride probably had a set limit and there were older friends/family that had priority on her list. Maybe the 6 month friendship will evolve, or maybe not. I can tell you that my "newer " friends are great, but my older friends are like family.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 13:56
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
I would definitely not create a scene over this, but this would say volumes about what I and my friendship meant to this woman. And that would be, she does not value it. Friendship is a 2 way road and all that.
Nah. Because you know what? It's her event. I know why I made the guest list I made for my wedding. Not everyone was on it either. I was not about to allow one event to overshadow everything else I love about this woman and our friendship.
Ditto a birthday party. If someone doesn't invite my daughter to their birthday party but continues to want to play with her, I would assume that there was some kind of limit on the number of people they could invite and look at the rest of the friendship. In the OP's case, the mom is upset because her daughter felt excluded. That's understandable. I'm sad when my daughter is excluded from things too. My job as a parent, however, is to help DD learn how to manage disappointment, not to intimidate people in order to shield her from disappointment.[/quote]
I agree with the bolded but as an adult some amount of reclassifying of the relationship would happen with me.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 13:56
Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
How did you spend $150 per kid? I’m really curious! Did you take them to the theater or ballet? What could possibly cost so much??
Anonymous
11/03/2017 13:54
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
Did they go out for drinks with you?
Yes, and we have been good friends for 10 years and she flat out told me that she felt bad at the time for not inviting me, but that the guest list had been set, had little wiggle room, and she appreciates me not taking it personally, since it wasn't personal.
That's how adults handle situations like that.
Anonymous
11/03/2017 13:54
Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People are allowed to throw the parties they want for their kids, in whatever manner and style they wish, with the guest list they choose. What is with this entitlement of my kid should be invited to every party? It's utter crap and contributes to all the candy-ass kids falling apart when the least thing doesn't go their way as adults. Sure, it sucks not to be invited but THAT'S LIFE.
As adults do we invite every adult we know? Nope. How did we learn to survive the blow? By experiencing it in childhood in the safety of our parents' care when they could explain to us that not everyone gets invited to everything.
100% this.
OP, it sucks to be excluded, but the reality is that not every guest list can accommodate every person that your child is friends with.
In an adult example of the situation, a woman who is a really good friend did not invite me to her wedding. We had been close for about 6 months before the wedding occurred. Wedding was not small and people we were friends with (who had been friends with her longer than I had) were invited. Instead of distancing myself from my friend or talking about her behind her back, I congratulated her on getting married, asked if I could take her and her DH out for drinks to celebrate with them when they got back from honeymoon, and moved on with my life.
I agree as well, and weddings are a perfect analogy. I think all of us have found out about weddings that we weren't invited to, for people we felt close to, colleagues or friends. We move on in a mature way. We get the limitations about space and cost, and don't let it get to us.
This exact situation happened with my ten year old who wasn't invited to a good friend's sleepover birthday party, which I believe was about 5-6 girls if that. I said to her, "Oh sweetie, I know you are bummed but you know she would have invited you if she could! It is what it is. Let's celebrate her birthday on a different day!" And we invited the birthday girl over for a sleepover, and the girls moved on. They are still good friends a year later, probably closer.
Ten is a lot for a birthday party at this age, even if it were a more low key bbq. It's developmentally appropriate to start having smaller gatherings.
I do agree that OP, you should have a frank discussion with your daughter about being sensitive by not bragging, keeping it quiet, etc. It's possible she was boasting and you don't realize it.
I am the PP who responded earlier about the 2 way street. You guys are way better than me. This sure is a different perspective for me. PP who was not invited to the wedding-I am surprised you did not classify your friend as an acquaintance after the wedding! Especially since you say it was a large wedding.