The love of my life is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for over a decade thanks to amazingly hard work and AA. Don't marry someone who's drinking. If he does find sobriety he'll see you as an enabler- becaus you have been and are.

The effects of long term drinking are cumulative. It's not all that noticeable for quite a while as the body is pretty resilient. But, once they reach a critical phase the progression is rapid. I have seen this in more than one person. In their early 40's the physical problems began as well as the issues arising as a result of the drinking. I know three that died in their early to mid 50's.

Yes, it would be terrible. Don't marry him until he's been sober for a long time.

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Anonymous wrote:Op how does he get to work every day? Does he drive?

I know you don't think this is a big deal but if he is drinking more than two drinks a day then he will probably have health problems down the road.

He walks to work (we live in a small college town). Like I said in my OP, he doesn't get sloppy/raging drunk, just kind of maintains a base BAC.

Liver damage is cumulative. You keep mentioning his behavior but that is only one aspect of the problem. If a man drinks more than two drinks a day it WILL cause damage to their liver. Nothing to do with him being a chill drunk.

Don't know if anyone is still reading this but I'm pretty close to your fiancé. I don't drink before work and very rarely during the day, but I think by most clinical evaluations I'd be a functioning alcoholic. Great career and fairly well known "thought leader" within my little space, beautiful family, house, vacations, perfect credit, treat people well (family, friends, and strangers), and I was lucky enough to be a "friendly" drunk rather than an angry one. But I need to drink pretty much every day.

I wouldn't fault you for leaving yours behind. It is going to be a huge, difficult part of your life forever if you stay; and strange as it seems to someone like me, I understand that booze is like a meaningless thing for most people. As opposed to a fundamental animating part of life. On balance you probably are better off without him long term. While I'm pretty well balanced now, when periods of extreme stress come along there is always a risk the drinking takes front and center. PPs are spot on with that.

But, biases acknowledged, humans have been drinking and MANY of them have been absolute drunks by modern standards for millennia. Great artists, great writers, great leaders, great business people, great teachers, great plumbers, and great nannies have all been drunks. You have to figure out what works for you. No one on DCUM can tell you.

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Anonymous wrote:What kind of job does he have that he can drink before and during? Landscaper?

He's a research scientist in academia.

I'm a research scientist and this surprises me. Is he a professor? There's no way I could do my job well drunk or buzzed. Also, others must smell it on him and that is not a good thing.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

Anonymous wrote:OP, he may be the love of your life (so far), but are you the love of HIS life? Or would he pick the alcohol, if he had to choose between you and it?

BOOM! The thread can end now. It’s all right here, OP.

This is a sad thread. I hope he quits OP. I think AL-anon is a great place to start for you.

You both say he has no reason to stop, but there are plenty of reasons: it's really bad for his health, it's expensive, it's unprofessional to drink at work, you have to drive him around, etc.

I would stop any talk of marriage until he seeks help and has success with it.

OP, he may be the love of your life (so far), but are you the love of HIS life? Or would he pick the alcohol, if he had to choose between you and it?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

I am married to a heavy drinker, and I know lots of them. Many have relatively happy marriages and lives, and even enjoy surprisingly good health despite the booze. But I don't know anyone who wakes up and has a drink. I can't imagine that ends well, though i could be wrong.

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Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Are you in academia too? A grad student?

Does he have tenure -- Im guessing not. So you might have to move somewhere where he will drive. Especially if you work somewhere else

My dad was an alcoholic, and for him our schedule was always driven by getting someplace wherever he could get that next drink. Vacations were planed around making sure we were someplace where he could get that drink by 5.

Drink before work? What happened when he skips it?

I'm in marketing - we're close to the same age. He's tenure-tracked, and well-liked in his department.

Though they must smell the booze on his breath.

Who gets this close to people at work?

When you are in a lift with someone who drinks in the morning, you know it. Trust me.

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Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Are you in academia too? A grad student?

Does he have tenure -- Im guessing not. So you might have to move somewhere where he will drive. Especially if you work somewhere else

My dad was an alcoholic, and for him our schedule was always driven by getting someplace wherever he could get that next drink. Vacations were planed around making sure we were someplace where he could get that drink by 5.

Drink before work? What happened when he skips it?

I'm in marketing - we're close to the same age. He's tenure-tracked, and well-liked in his department.

Though they must smell the booze on his breath.

Who gets this close to people at work?

I'm married to a heavy drinker. I can tell from 10-12 feet away if he had a few drinks on his way home from work. When you drink heavily, your body metabolizes it differently. It is excreted on your breath and through your pores.

My dad was awesome when he was drunk. Spontaneous and tons of fun.

When he was sober...

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

You are right. I am sorry.