Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

THings wil look different when you are there. I have seen many people say this when they are healthy, but when they get to that moment, they just do not think they are there yet.

This xs infinity. I just lived through this with my mother and a terminal illness. People can visualize and say all they want what they would do under certain circumstances, but when you’re in the thick of it, living it, facing your own mortality, all bets are off and people often change their mind. Same goes for the people around you who aren’t dying. Many won’t want to sit in a room waiting for you to take that deadly sleeping pill and toast you farewell, because it’s too stressful for them or they can’t let go. Hopefully you won’t face this dilemma, but I’ve lived it, and people who say they would do something don’t and people who say they would never do something do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

I think something happens as some people age. They get old and conservative and selfish. They forget these pledges to not be a burden and grasp at life. Maybe it can't be helped in some people. I'm already more conservative than 20 years ago. Amazing how we close in and change.

Yeah, those selfish old people, not wanting to kill themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

I think something happens as some people age. They get old and conservative and selfish. They forget these pledges to not be a burden and grasp at life. Maybe it can't be helped in some people. I'm already more conservative than 20 years ago. Amazing how we close in and change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Read up on assisted living. There are too many cases of abuse and mistakes. A loving family member needs to be very involved to ensure things are done properly.

+100 Unless the family has the money, and it takes a significant amount, to hire oversight you do not want to know what the reality is in such a situation. I know via my profession. Even in the most caring facilities there is so much that would give you great pause. Nightmares. Having family present and involved IS the single factor that makes the difference in care.

Amen. It's not okay to put a relative in assisted living and then expect to do nothing for that person. It burns me up, too when adult children don't visit and easily could. They'll manage to show up to the reading of the will!

WHen my father was diagnosed with stage 4squamous skin cancer, we moved him up to my house so that I could take him to daily radiation treatments (he was too weak for chemo). He lived 6-7 hours drive away and I could not leave my family for the 8-10weeks that would involve (surgery, recovery,radiation). We had just decided the month before that my father would move into Vinson Hall as soon as we could sell his house- so it provided a way to have him move earlier and establish doctors immediately. My sister had just had a mastectomy and was undergoing chemo herself and thus could not help with any of the heavy lifting. This is what my sister and Dad did when my Dad moved in with my family for what ended up to be the last nine months of his life:

1) She insisted that my Dad write a check to me every month "representing" the amount he would have to pay when he finally moved into the planned CCC near us. My father wholeheartedly agreed. I had to be worn down, but in the end negotiated a smaller amount, but still something. My sister proved to be correct, our expenses ended up increasing about $1k per month and while we could afford it- not having to helped. It also helped psychologically because it showed that my sister (and Dad) acknowledged the effort we were doing and it made me feel more valued. We put the remaining $ into our then freshman at college's 529.

2) Once her chemo allowed, she came down once a month, then every two weeks to visit and/or to allow DH and I to get away. On one trip we took our other son on college tours during spring break and on another we drove to pick up our older son at the end of his freshman year. Sometimes she brought her family.

3) She Facetimed at least once a day. She had her children FaceTime several times a week. She sent postcards. SHe had other people send postcards.

4) She wanted to be informed as much as possible and we did discussed treatments with her.

5) She brought fun things and practical things every time she visited.

It was still a very long slog and emotionally draining. My father never made it to Vinson Hall and died in our bedroom. Peacefully and with family - my sister and her family were down for the weekend (pre planned, it just worked out that way). We did not have a funeral. My father was feted before we left his home and had had a chance to say goodbye to his friends there. His two brothers had visited in our home before he died. We had a memorial luncheon at a local restaurant with local family and close friends. We had found some of his letters that repriesented many stages of his life and I read them between courses. It was intimate and meaningful. We buried him next to my mother the next month in the Midwest town my mother had grown up.

After reading the relationships that other people have n this site and specifically in this thread, I am grateful for my sister and my relationship and friendship.

He died 18 months ago. It looks like we are going to finally sell his house- settlement date is at the end of the month. (DH was fantastic during this time too, but this thread is about siblings.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Read up on assisted living. There are too many cases of abuse and mistakes. A loving family member needs to be very involved to ensure things are done properly.

+100 Unless the family has the money, and it takes a significant amount, to hire oversight you do not want to know what the reality is in such a situation. I know via my profession. Even in the most caring facilities there is so much that would give you great pause. Nightmares. Having family present and involved IS the single factor that makes the difference in care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Actually, they don't. If they need "a lot of....assistance" they kick them out and send them to a nursing home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

IME, it isn't the driving to the doctor's appointment that is the reason a family member accompanies the parent, it is to be another set of eyes and ears and to relay to the doctor what is going on because th parent cannot do that or keep track of what the doctor says. It is good to have one person be in charge and stay on top of everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

THings wil look different when you are there. I have seen many people say this when they are healthy, but when they get to that moment, they just do not think they are there yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

What is someone supposed to do if the parent will not take hired help? It takes more than financial help, especially if you are only doing something like a few hundred a month. You have no idea how hard it is. Step up and be decent and help. Or hire someone directly to come in and manage it.

The parent knows whose buttons he/she can press. While the parent has the power over one sibling no hiring can be done (the parent will not open the door, will not accept food delivery or cleaning service, etc). What do you suggest in such case?

When we were in this situation. What worked for us was to tell the parent that the service was trying to train people and they were looking for someone like herself to help train people to go into people's homes and help them. We told them that the company was having quite a bit of trouble finding homes that would do this training. (If money is tight for the parent and you have a bit, you can also offer a small stipend for their "help") Making about the helping someon else was the door in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

Unfortunately you don't always get that choice.

When you don't get that choice and somehow on life support despite your wishes, then it's on those who decided to go against your wishes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

I forgot to add-I will take some exotic vacations too. I will make sure my funeral is covered of course and I will want each person to be given either small bottle of champagne or bubbly apple juice in order to say cheers to my wonderful life or to that crazy bitch. They will also get chocolate truffles or some sort of treat in my honor. I will give my kids instructions that include using a chunk of the money they inherit from me to do something fun and relaxing like a wonderful trip.

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

Unfortunately you don't always get that choice.

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.