I walked out on my first husband and it was the best choice of my life. I wouldn't be where I am now had I not, and I would have lived a miserable life. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to be happy. Your kids will be fine. Mine are adults now and they are perfectly fine. They were fine as teenagers. We only had a few rocky years getting adjusted when they were younger, but that time passed quickly. I'll never regret what I did to be happy.

Op, You show zero remorse for how you've treated your spouse and family (or AP's spouse) and yet you absurdly think the world revolves around you and they would be lost without you. your big 'sacrifice' is to keep lying to your husband and kids. Your kids and husband would be frankly better if without you and are likely exhausted already by your narcissism, so spare them all (and us) your martyr routine. You will wear out your AP eventually as well, but by then everyone will be better off and you will be 'finding yourself' in an ashram or a lesbian while your husband is the rock your kids hang onto. Hopefully he can meet a nice lady who will replace you. Get some therapy.

There is nothing wrong with cheating on your spouse if you've tried to work it out and you've been honest and upfront. But if you've pretended that everything was OK then you are an ass.

Life is supposed to be happy not miserable. Your kids won't give a shit about you once they start sexing so live your best life as long as you've been honest.

Anonymous wrote:Have been in a long term affair (3 years) with a wonderful man. He recently left his wife and wants to be with me "legitimately." I am so in love with him and very badly want to leave my DH. But I can't because my DH is a nice, loving partner. I just have no romantic feelings towards him and don't know that I ever really did. But that is another discussion and a mistake I made many moons ago. Also, I have kids. And while finances aren't an issue if we divorce, obviously it will tear their world apart going from a "seemingly" happy family to two houses.

Let this be a warning to others thinking about an affair, especially an emotional one (which most women seem to have), it isn't worth the heartache in the end. I am now keenly aware of what I'm missing and will miss my entire life. And for all those that say I'm just in the affair fog, nope, I'm not. I am not thinking all would be perfect with AP if we were "really" together, blending families would suck, learning to live with someone new would be annoying, etc.

Two questions:

If AP wasn't in the picture, would you seriously be considering divorce at this time?

When you say, "I don't know if I ever really did have romantic feelings for H" are you rewriting your marriage history? Be honest here...because rewriting history is very common and easy to do when enmeshed in an affair.

Personally, if you are truly thinking of leaving your H, end it with your AP then address your marriage with your full attention. Give your H some respect in terms of ending the marriage. If your AP truly does love you and want to be with you, he should understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS become a weekend or part time parent. My love for my children and desire to wake up with them every single morning and tuck them in every single night would always far outweigh my desire for romance.

I hear what you are saying OP and i think monogamy crushes the spirit, but my kids are really my life. No way in hell would I compromise that.

My mom found love at 60. If i decided i was truly missing out on passion and needed it to complete my life, Id wait until the kids were done with college. I couldn't even fathom sharing holidays. Nope nope nope.

That's scary.

NP here. What's scary to some people is the idea of not waking up with their kids Christmas morning, or being able to comfort them when they have a fever in the middle of the night. But hey, you do you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. Don't blow up your family. Infatuation does not last.

+1

Disagree! They sound like soul mates! Go for it OP. Your kids will be so happy for you in the end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You talk about all this as if it were a matter of buying new winter boots even though last year's are still holding up. "But they're just not as niiiice!!!"

Grow up and take some responsibility for your life. It takes two to have a marriage. Your husband is trying while you're having an affair, and you have the audacity to say HIS efforts are "too late?" You have children, for crying out loud. Young, vulnerable, impressionable children who need you and your husband and THEIR family, not some other families.

Your poor kids. They deserve so much better.

-DW

(no, not been cheated on or cheated, for the DCUM character assassins)

This, +1000000

This is my reaction as well. I would want to know that I tried everything to make the relationship work before I bailed, especially when there are kids involved. I am no longer with my ex husband and I have no regrets. I feel free to move on.

Anonymous wrote:I could NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS become a weekend or part time parent. My love for my children and desire to wake up with them every single morning and tuck them in every single night would always far outweigh my desire for romance.

I hear what you are saying OP and i think monogamy crushes the spirit, but my kids are really my life. No way in hell would I compromise that.

My mom found love at 60. If i decided i was truly missing out on passion and needed it to complete my life, Id wait until the kids were done with college. I couldn't even fathom sharing holidays. Nope nope nope.

That's scary.

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. Don't blow up your family. Infatuation does not last.

+1

Anonymous wrote:You talk about all this as if it were a matter of buying new winter boots even though last year's are still holding up. "But they're just not as niiiice!!!"

Grow up and take some responsibility for your life. It takes two to have a marriage. Your husband is trying while you're having an affair, and you have the audacity to say HIS efforts are "too late?" You have children, for crying out loud. Young, vulnerable, impressionable children who need you and your husband and THEIR family, not some other families.

Your poor kids. They deserve so much better.

-DW

(no, not been cheated on or cheated, for the DCUM character assassins)

This, +1000000

Don't do it. Don't blow up your family. Infatuation does not last.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He may not marry a much younger woman. However, it is likely he will remarry.

OP - If you think that you are the best deal he will ever have, look at how you treated him and rethink that idea. If you think you are best looking woman he will ever have, then you have much bigger issues than the ones you have laid out on DCUM.

I don't think that at all. If we split, I would want only happiness for him. If it is with someone younger and prettier, that is fine. So long as she makes him happy and is good to my kids. I am not the devil that you all want to make me out to be. And he hasn't been perfect, far from it. I wouldn't have been susceptible to someone else if my marriage was going well. He emotionally abandoned me and refused all my efforts to reconnect. He finally is trying, but for me it seems to be too late.

"But I can't because my DH is a nice, loving partner."

Sounds like yo are trying to spin it into your favor for leaving now that you have heard mostly negative responses

+1

Lol. The bar for how bad a marriage needs to be before someone may cheat is always conveniently set by the charter.

+2 yea, I read that part too and thought ?

OP, I think if you have given up on the relationship, then you should be honest with him and tell him that his efforts are wasted. You are being selfish here, or is this just your way of punishing him by making him put in the effort while you get to have fun?

I had a friend who cheated on her DH when he emotionally left the marriage, too. But, she was ready to divorce him after years of her asking her DH to go to counseling with her. By the time he said yes, she was more than halfway out the door. They had been living as roommates, with him sleeping in a different room. I gather your marriage is not at this point, right? So, while I understand that when one spouse checks out of the marriage, the other one is left to flounder and seek solace elsewhere, you should at least be at the point where you are ready to divorce and not letting the other side think the marriage still has a chance.

If you want to leave, then you should tell your DH now so that he doesn't put any more effort into the marriage. I'd be pissed if I found out that my spouse was thinking of leaving while I was trying to make the marriage work.

I could NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS become a weekend or part time parent. My love for my children and desire to wake up with them every single morning and tuck them in every single night would always far outweigh my desire for romance.

I hear what you are saying OP and i think monogamy crushes the spirit, but my kids are really my life. No way in hell would I compromise that.

My mom found love at 60. If i decided i was truly missing out on passion and needed it to complete my life, Id wait until the kids were done with college. I couldn't even fathom sharing holidays. Nope nope nope.

You talk about all this as if it were a matter of buying new winter boots even though last year's are still holding up. "But they're just not as niiiice!!!"

Grow up and take some responsibility for your life. It takes two to have a marriage. Your husband is trying while you're having an affair, and you have the audacity to say HIS efforts are "too late?" You have children, for crying out loud. Young, vulnerable, impressionable children who need you and your husband and THEIR family, not some other families.

Your poor kids. They deserve so much better.

-DW

(no, not been cheated on or cheated, for the DCUM character assassins)

You want to leave your husband. Move out with your kids. Be legit with your AP. You are going to say you'll take it slow with AP and his/your kids but it never goes like that. So you're going rip your kids world apart and then force them into a blended family situation as they are entering puberty. Cool. Good plan. How old are their future step siblings? Do you think you'll be able to hide the fact you've been with AP for years?