Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, I needed this article today. I am exactly the woman described. I just rekindled a relationship with an ex via text and it is pretty intense. It has really helped give me a jolt of joy from the otherwise constant resentment and anger I feel towards my husband.

I am trying to tread lightly because the ex is desperate to see me. It is a long distance situation and he wants us to meet up for a quick trip. I am 75% ready to go for it. I think it will help sustain me in my marriage.

Yes, it will sustain you in your marriage ... until you get caught (you will), and then it all blows up in your face... How about addressing why you have resentment and anger and then trying to fix what you have and made a commitment to?

NP if you read the article instead of resorting to your faux puritanical outrage , you'd know that research shows women who are on affairs have done exactly what you're suggesting ,only to see things stay the same . Nobody has any lesson to take from you

That's not really what the article says about research. It says that there was a sociologist who offered the opinion that "A lot of women have tried to address these problems and have faced a lot of stubbornness from husbands." That same sociologist says that "what social scientists are finding now is that there is a correlation between equal division of labor and better sex." However, studies on the division of labor and sex are contradictory at best: "Results show that both husbands and wives in couples with more traditional housework arrangements report higher sexual frequency, suggesting the importance of gender display rather than marital exchange for sex between heterosexual married partners."
www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/savvy/journals/ASR/Feb13ASRFeature.pdf

Whatever the merits of "choreplay," I don't think the article reliably supports the idea that these cheating women have necessarily tried very hard to address the causes of their resentment. Some have and some have not. PP should try to address the resentment before chasing the easier excitement of an affair.

Anonymous wrote:I want to have an affair because DH basically ignores me except on the rare occasions he feels like having sex, and I am stuck on my own with the kids during his constant work travel. However, I can't imagine how I'd actually do it. No one has expressed any interest in having an affair with me. I'm not overweight and try to dress nicely, but maybe I'm just too old? (43). How do people get these affairs started?

I'm not the PP, but I had to guess, the appeal of new and strange.

You don't ever want to have sex with someone new just for the thrill of it? I don't act on this desire out of respect for my H. But I get it. I understand intellectually why other people do, even those who do genuinely love their spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"But often," she went on, "it can feel like my husband and I are running a family corporation together and that our emotional intimacy consists of gossiping about our friends and watching Game of Thrones.

This is my marriage. I have not cheated, and neither has my husband as far as I know. But sometimes, you get caught up watching a romantic comedy and you wonder what happened to your relationship and you start to miss those butterflies. And like the article alludes to, maybe that's not realistic but it doesn't mean we don't still want it and may not seek it out.

THIS!!!!!!!!! I think this is SO common.

How can this be fixed though?? (not through an affair)

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago just before I got married I had an amazing father/daughter conversation with my Dad about marriage and fidelity. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years and it's very obvious they are still in love. I asked my Dad if he had ever been tempted to cheat and he said "sure, everyone is!" I was like whoa! He then said something like "it's human nature to at some point be physically attracted to someone else but that doesn't mean you do anything about it." Before I could ask him the BIG question he said that he had never cheated not just because he loved my mom but because my siblings and I would lose respect for him and that would kill him. He then went on to say that when he went off to college the only advice his father ever gave him was to always make his mother proud and never embarrass the family. He'd never forgotten that. I then reminded him that when I went off to college he said "remember, college guys are only interested in two things - getting drunk and getting laid usually in that order!" He then said "well, my father was far more eloquent!"

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago just before I got married I had an amazing father/daughter conversation with my Dad about marriage and fidelity. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years and it's very obvious they are still in love. I asked my Dad if he had ever been tempted to cheat and he said "sure, everyone is!" I was like whoa! He then said something like "it's human nature to at some point be physically attracted to someone else but that doesn't mean you do anything about it." Before I could ask him the BIG question he said that he had never cheated not just because he loved my mom but because my siblings and I would lose respect for him and that would kill him. He then went on to say that when he went off to college the only advice his father ever gave him was to always make his mother proud and never embarrass the family. He'd never forgotten that. I then reminded him that when I went off to college he said "remember, college guys are only interested in two things - getting drunk and getting laid usually in that order!" He then said "well, my father was far more eloquent!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I feel like my DH and I are the only ones with a long (30 years), happy marriage. It makes me sad. We have so many friends who have divorced. I have no desire at all to cheat.

My parents have been married 39 years years and they are crazy about each other. There is no doubt in my mid that they are still physically attracted to one another! A lot of their friends who have been married 30 plus years are the same way so there is hope. My parents have a winter home in Florida and my Dad retired a few years ago because he really hated being away from my mother even though he liked his job. When they are apart for more than a few days they are miserable. I love it!

Don't be certain. My parents have been married for well over 50 years and they have both cheated. They do love each other. I can tell they are physically attracted to each other (especially my mom to my dad). They really LIKE each other. They still have sex. But the cheating can happen nevertheless.

What's the big flaw in your parent's marriage that led both of them to cheat if they love each other, LIKE each other and are physically attracted to each other? It has to something more than it can just happen.

I'm not the PP, but I had to guess, the appeal of new and strange.

You don't ever want to have sex with someone new just for the thrill of it? I don't act on this desire out of respect for my H. But I get it. I understand intellectually why other people do, even those who do genuinely love their spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I feel like my DH and I are the only ones with a long (30 years), happy marriage. It makes me sad. We have so many friends who have divorced. I have no desire at all to cheat.

My parents have been married 39 years years and they are crazy about each other. There is no doubt in my mid that they are still physically attracted to one another! A lot of their friends who have been married 30 plus years are the same way so there is hope. My parents have a winter home in Florida and my Dad retired a few years ago because he really hated being away from my mother even though he liked his job. When they are apart for more than a few days they are miserable. I love it!

Don't be certain. My parents have been married for well over 50 years and they have both cheated. They do love each other. I can tell they are physically attracted to each other (especially my mom to my dad). They really LIKE each other. They still have sex. But the cheating can happen nevertheless.

What's the big flaw in your parent's marriage that led both of them to cheat if they love each other, LIKE each other and are physically attracted to each other? It has to something more than it can just happen.

I'm not the PP, but I had to guess, the appeal of new and strange.

You don't ever want to have sex with someone new just for the thrill of it? I don't act on this desire out of respect for my H. But I get it. I understand intellectually why other people do, even those who do genuinely love their spouse.

Of course, but I genuinely love and respect my spouse and can't intellectually understand why other people do unless their intellects/brains are in their penises or vaginas. I suppose many are!

PP here. Or their marriages aren't as strong, so they are tempted more because they have less to give up.

I described my marriage on the previous page and would rate it an 8 or 9/10 (because nothing is perfect). I know I would be an absolute FOOL to give what I have up. But if my husband didn't help out as much, if I liked him less, if we had less money, if we fought more, if he wasn't as generous in bed, if I hated my in laws, etc. etc. I'd have less to give up and so might be tempted more.

Kwim?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I feel like my DH and I are the only ones with a long (30 years), happy marriage. It makes me sad. We have so many friends who have divorced. I have no desire at all to cheat.

My parents have been married 39 years years and they are crazy about each other. There is no doubt in my mid that they are still physically attracted to one another! A lot of their friends who have been married 30 plus years are the same way so there is hope. My parents have a winter home in Florida and my Dad retired a few years ago because he really hated being away from my mother even though he liked his job. When they are apart for more than a few days they are miserable. I love it!

Don't be certain. My parents have been married for well over 50 years and they have both cheated. They do love each other. I can tell they are physically attracted to each other (especially my mom to my dad). They really LIKE each other. They still have sex. But the cheating can happen nevertheless.

What's the big flaw in your parent's marriage that led both of them to cheat if they love each other, LIKE each other and are physically attracted to each other? It has to something more than it can just happen.

I'm not the PP, but I had to guess, the appeal of new and strange.

You don't ever want to have sex with someone new just for the thrill of it? I don't act on this desire out of respect for my H. But I get it. I understand intellectually why other people do, even those who do genuinely love their spouse.

Of course, but I genuinely love and respect my spouse and can't intellectually understand why other people do unless their intellects/brains are in their penises or vaginas. I suppose many are!

My friend told me she felt this way of thinking was the only answer, and the way she'd come to reconcile her feelings about the relationship. She said that she used to compare her marriage to her parents', who always seemed totally in love. "Until the end of my mom's life they were spooning together every night in a double bed ... not even a queen. But," she added, "they were awful and narcissistic, with very little to give to their children."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I feel like my DH and I are the only ones with a long (30 years), happy marriage. It makes me sad. We have so many friends who have divorced. I have no desire at all to cheat.

My parents have been married 39 years years and they are crazy about each other. There is no doubt in my mid that they are still physically attracted to one another! A lot of their friends who have been married 30 plus years are the same way so there is hope. My parents have a winter home in Florida and my Dad retired a few years ago because he really hated being away from my mother even though he liked his job. When they are apart for more than a few days they are miserable. I love it!

Don't be certain. My parents have been married for well over 50 years and they have both cheated. They do love each other. I can tell they are physically attracted to each other (especially my mom to my dad). They really LIKE each other. They still have sex. But the cheating can happen nevertheless.

What's the big flaw in your parent's marriage that led both of them to cheat if they love each other, LIKE each other and are physically attracted to each other? It has to something more than it can just happen.

I'm not the PP, but I had to guess, the appeal of new and strange.

You don't ever want to have sex with someone new just for the thrill of it? I don't act on this desire out of respect for my H. But I get it. I understand intellectually why other people do, even those who do genuinely love their spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I feel like my DH and I are the only ones with a long (30 years), happy marriage. It makes me sad. We have so many friends who have divorced. I have no desire at all to cheat.

My H and I have been married 15 years and together for 20. He's my best friend and still my favorite person to shoot the shit with. He's an amazing dad. He pulls his weight around the house and then some. We have great, satisfying sex (he's very generous in bed - I always have 2 orgasms to his one). We have a very happy life and I have no complaints about him as a person or partner. To the contrary, I often wonder what the heck he sees in ME.

But look, I'm happily married, not dead. I have eyes in my head, I see attractive men on the street. I remember how thrilling it was to fall in love with someone new. If I have complaints, it's with the idea that ONE person is supposed to be able to meet ALL of your emotional, sexual, and oractical needs for 50 years or more.

I think what I have now is as good as it gets. But our relationship lacks the excitement it once had in the beginning. When we have sex, it's more to connect emotionally or to scratch a physical itch, not because I can't keep my hands off him. I remember feeling that way. I don't anymore, even with all the good stuff I mentioned. And yeah I'll be honest, I miss feeling the kind of lust that makes you crazy, that makes you feel like you're high on good drugs. It's sad to think I'll never feel that way again. I didn't realize it would eventually fade away almost completely.

However I do agree that it's unrealistic to expect to feel those butterflies after 20 years together. I still feel them occasionally, in certain situations (usually spontaneous) but not often.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I feel like my DH and I are the only ones with a long (30 years), happy marriage. It makes me sad. We have so many friends who have divorced. I have no desire at all to cheat.

My parents have been married 39 years years and they are crazy about each other. There is no doubt in my mid that they are still physically attracted to one another! A lot of their friends who have been married 30 plus years are the same way so there is hope. My parents have a winter home in Florida and my Dad retired a few years ago because he really hated being away from my mother even though he liked his job. When they are apart for more than a few days they are miserable. I love it!

Don't be certain. My parents have been married for well over 50 years and they have both cheated. They do love each other. I can tell they are physically attracted to each other (especially my mom to my dad). They really LIKE each other. They still have sex. But the cheating can happen nevertheless.

What's the big flaw in your parent's marriage that led both of them to cheat if they love each other, LIKE each other and are physically attracted to each other? It has to something more than it can just happen.