Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

PP with the DH with MS here, and +1M to this. I would never do this.

I am a single parent with MS. I am therefore responsible for both the paycheck and the insurance. I work a job similar to OP’s husband. I don’t feel stressed to the point where it is exacerbating my illness. I made sure I had ample savings (which OP and her husband can build up before she quits her job). I have disability insurance. I have a plan for if my health deteriorates. And i don’t have the fallback of the other parent returning to the workforce, even in an admin capacity to get insurance. It’s not as dire as everyone is making it out to be, but you do have to make sacrifices.

But I agree with PP who said OP doesn’t really want to quit her job. She wants to whine because working and parenting is hard. If she SAH, she would probably whine that SAH is hard too (because it is—not trying to start that debate here). Yes, OP, being an adult is hard. Suck it up.

I'm glad that you haven't gotten to the point where stress is exacerbating your illness. Unfortunately, my husband has gotten to that point.

I'm not trying to whine; I made it clear upfront that I just needed to vent, as I think most people have to at some point.

Your husband should seek therapy with someone who has experience with chronic illness. His neurologist should have recommendations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

PP with the DH with MS here, and +1M to this. I would never do this.

I am a single parent with MS. I am therefore responsible for both the paycheck and the insurance. I work a job similar to OP’s husband. I don’t feel stressed to the point where it is exacerbating my illness. I made sure I had ample savings (which OP and her husband can build up before she quits her job). I have disability insurance. I have a plan for if my health deteriorates. And i don’t have the fallback of the other parent returning to the workforce, even in an admin capacity to get insurance. It’s not as dire as everyone is making it out to be, but you do have to make sacrifices.

But I agree with PP who said OP doesn’t really want to quit her job. She wants to whine because working and parenting is hard. If she SAH, she would probably whine that SAH is hard too (because it is—not trying to start that debate here). Yes, OP, being an adult is hard. Suck it up.

I'm glad that you haven't gotten to the point where stress is exacerbating your illness. Unfortunately, my husband has gotten to that point.

I'm not trying to whine; I made it clear upfront that I just needed to vent, as I think most people have to at some point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

I'm one of the PPs who shared our similar experience and how I kept working...I wish I could have just declared I was going to go part time or 100% remote! I had to basically change fields to do it and there were definitely sacrifices. I also get annoyed at the posters who offer one-liners like "find a telecommuting job" as if it's so easy. It's really, really not. You have to first be positioned well and then be lucky. And yeah, there are many families where the DH - for whatever reason - can't be the sole breadwinner. Or doesn't want to be. Or whatever! And there's this implicit double standard on this board that the women should get to say "I quit" after the kids come along and the husbands should be ok with whatever sacrifices come along with that decision because it's FOR THE CHILDREN. And yet we are so quick to attack a DH who is anything less than 100% capable of 24/7 providership in that same 2 WOH parent scenario.

I didn’t read all the replies but OP I head you! It’s tough but being a parent means making the responsible choices for the family. What’s best for your family it sounds like is to continue working and accept that you can’t be a stay at home mom. You still have a great schedule and the late naps will go away and you will have more time after work. Hang in there and try to make the best of what you do have!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

PP with the DH with MS here, and +1M to this. I would never do this.

I am a single parent with MS. I am therefore responsible for both the paycheck and the insurance. I work a job similar to OP’s husband. I don’t feel stressed to the point where it is exacerbating my illness. I made sure I had ample savings (which OP and her husband can build up before she quits her job). I have disability insurance. I have a plan for if my health deteriorates. And i don’t have the fallback of the other parent returning to the workforce, even in an admin capacity to get insurance. It’s not as dire as everyone is making it out to be, but you do have to make sacrifices.

But I agree with PP who said OP doesn’t really want to quit her job. She wants to whine because working and parenting is hard. If she SAH, she would probably whine that SAH is hard too (because it is—not trying to start that debate here). Yes, OP, being an adult is hard. Suck it up.

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

You report this almost gleefully and spitefully? Poor admin. your husband is a terrible boss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this post. Your husband's salary is enough to SAHM. It does not have to be forever. I say this as someone who is 40 and worked full time until last year when my kids were 2 and 5. I now freelance part time to pay for personal things (my haircuts, my Starbucks, my clothes, etc). My husband makes the same as yours. I will go back in a few years or ramp up my freelance work and never go back again. I had enough money in my own retirement to step back. I have not noticed any financial difference in our quality of life. I am much happier. I have to say the elementary grades are harder schedule wise than younger kids. When my kids were younger and I was working, they stayed up til 9 pm, so I had time with them in the evening. I had a full time nanny so they could sleep til 8 am.

I would move or get a new job. Your commute is long. Or really re-evaluate. I think you have enough income to SAH,

Do you realize how much privilege is implied by your post?

Previous poster here at which the “privilege” comment is directed….

I don’t come from a place of “privilege”—did you miss the part where I said my husband makes the same amount as OP? Did you miss the part where I said I WORKED until last year full time? The reason I have enough in retirement is because I maxed it out since I was 21! Me. The reason I had a nanny? Because she watched my kid while I was WORKING and I paid her from MY salary. I could have chosen, daycare but did not. Schedule-wise, I wanted a nanny and not deal with drop off and pickups. People make different childcare choices….yes, one costs more.

Let me just add, I worked 2-3 jobs until I had my first kid at 34. I was working 50-65 hours a week. Until age 32, I did not eat meat to save grocery bills and had a roommate to save money. I paid off a $70,000 college debt between age 21-32 and I had to have mulitiple jobs to make the $700 payment a month—which I often overpaid…the last year I overpaid a ton to get it paid off. I finished college in 1999 when it was unheard of to have that debt…my parents refused to pay anything. I had to take out private loans to cover their “expected family contribution” as the federal government determines financial aid, so my loan amount ballooned. Transferring would have done no good. Public would not have been cheaper. I had a scholarship at a private and going to public, I would have paid the same as private due to the scholarship.

My point is, my husband and I lived on his salary after we were married purposefully, which was less than 160k at the time. My salary was used for saving and my own personal stuff (my own clothes, my own haircuts, my own fitness membership), and childcare when children came along.

We just got rid of an 18-year-old car. Our other car is 5 years old. We own a home. No one helped us with a down payment or a wedding or anything like that.

I said the OP can live off of 160k. I know because we do it and I work a tiny bit now for extras but because I want to pay for those myself out of my own pride.

What is privileged is someone saying that their family of 3 can’t live on 160k--not what my post said. Many people do it with a lot less.

That said, I would probably not give up a government job if I were OP—I would probably move closer in. Or, I would find a new job. But if this is just about the money, 160k for a family is doable, even in this area.

OP's DH has a chronic illness. He should not be the sole breadwinner because that puts too much of a burden on him, and beyond that, the family needs OP's health insurance.

Whether or not the family can live on $160K is beside the point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

PP with the DH with MS here, and +1M to this. I would never do this.

I didn't read through the all of the comments but wanted to add what we did -- got a nanny. Having DD home and happy when I get home makes it much easier to enjoy the evenings. Our nanny is able to do some light housekeeping during the day so it also cuts down on my housework at night.

Hope you can find a solution that helps you become at peace with your life - being a working mom of young children isn't easy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this post. Your husband's salary is enough to SAHM. It does not have to be forever. I say this as someone who is 40 and worked full time until last year when my kids were 2 and 5. I now freelance part time to pay for personal things (my haircuts, my Starbucks, my clothes, etc). My husband makes the same as yours. I will go back in a few years or ramp up my freelance work and never go back again. I had enough money in my own retirement to step back. I have not noticed any financial difference in our quality of life. I am much happier. I have to say the elementary grades are harder schedule wise than younger kids. When my kids were younger and I was working, they stayed up til 9 pm, so I had time with them in the evening. I had a full time nanny so they could sleep til 8 am.

I would move or get a new job. Your commute is long. Or really re-evaluate. I think you have enough income to SAH,

Do you realize how much privilege is implied by your post?

Previous poster here at which the “privilege” comment is directed….

I don’t come from a place of “privilege”—did you miss the part where I said my husband makes the same amount as OP? Did you miss the part where I said I WORKED until last year full time? The reason I have enough in retirement is because I maxed it out since I was 21! Me. The reason I had a nanny? Because she watched my kid while I was WORKING and I paid her from MY salary. I could have chosen, daycare but did not. Schedule-wise, I wanted a nanny and not deal with drop off and pickups. People make different childcare choices….yes, one costs more.

Let me just add, I worked 2-3 jobs until I had my first kid at 34. I was working 50-65 hours a week. Until age 32, I did not eat meat to save grocery bills and had a roommate to save money. I paid off a $70,000 college debt between age 21-32 and I had to have mulitiple jobs to make the $700 payment a month—which I often overpaid…the last year I overpaid a ton to get it paid off. I finished college in 1999 when it was unheard of to have that debt…my parents refused to pay anything. I had to take out private loans to cover their “expected family contribution” as the federal government determines financial aid, so my loan amount ballooned. Transferring would have done no good. Public would not have been cheaper. I had a scholarship at a private and going to public, I would have paid the same as private due to the scholarship.

My point is, my husband and I lived on his salary after we were married purposefully, which was less than 160k at the time. My salary was used for saving and my own personal stuff (my own clothes, my own haircuts, my own fitness membership), and childcare when children came along.

We just got rid of an 18-year-old car. Our other car is 5 years old. We own a home. No one helped us with a down payment or a wedding or anything like that.

I said the OP can live off of 160k. I know because we do it and I work a tiny bit now for extras but because I want to pay for those myself out of my own pride.

What is privileged is someone saying that their family of 3 can’t live on 160k--not what my post said. Many people do it with a lot less.

That said, I would probably not give up a government job if I were OP—I would probably move closer in. Or, I would find a new job. But if this is just about the money, 160k for a family is doable, even in this area.

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

Previous poster here at which the “privilege” comment is directed….

I don’t come from a place of “privilege”—did you miss the part where I said my husband makes the same amount as OP? Did you miss the part where I said I WORKED until last year full time? The reason I have enough in retirement is because I maxed it out since I was 21! Me. The reason I had a nanny? Because she watched my kid while I was WORKING and I paid her from MY salary. I could have chosen, daycare but did not. Schedule-wise, I wanted a nanny and not deal with drop off and pickups. People make different childcare choices….yes, one costs more.
Let me just add, I worked 2-3 jobs until I had my first kid at 34. I was working 50-65 hours a week. Until age 32, I did not eat meat to save grocery bills and had a roommate to save money. I paid off a $70,000 college debt between age 21-32 and I had to have mulitiple jobs to make the $700 payment a month—which I often overpaid…the last year I overpaid a ton to get it paid off. I finished college in 1999 when it was unheard of to have that debt…my parents refused to pay anything. I had to take out private loans to cover their “expected family contribution” as the federal government determines financial aid, so my loan amount ballooned. Transferring would have done no good. Public would not have been cheaper. I had a scholarship at a private and going to public, I would have paid the same as private due to the scholarship.
My point is, my husband and I lived on his salary after we were married purposefully, which was less than 160k at the time. My salary was used for saving and my own personal stuff (my own clothes, my own haircuts, my own fitness membership), and childcare when children came along.
We just got rid of an 18-year-old car. Our other car is 5 years old. We own a home. No one helped us with a down payment or a wedding or anything like that.

I said the OP can live off of 160k. I know because we do it and I work a tiny bit now for extras but because I want to pay for those myself out of my own pride.

What is privileged is someone saying that their family of 3 can’t live on 160k--not what my post said. Many people do it with a lot less.

That said, I would probably not give up a government job if I were OP—I would probably move closer in. Or, I would find a new job. But if this is just about the money, 160k for a family is doable, even in this area.

I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you stay at home on $160K? You live in a condo so your mortgage can't be that expensive.

We need guaranteed insurance because my husband has MS and his medication is very expensive. Maintaining my job with the feds (and particularly my job in the intel community, with its essentially guaranteed job security, rather than a job at another federal agency) is therefore critical. I know people have said I'm making excuses, but that's why I can't go part-time or work from home. My job doesn't allow a work from home option and it is intensely frowned upon to go part-time.

OP, I understand. My husband likewise has MS, and I felt *exactly* as you do 18 years ago, when my DS was almost 2yo. We went on to have a second child, and my kids are now almost 20 and 17.

You are right that you need guaranteed insurance, particular with the political landscape that currently exists. I would treat that as a non-negotiable.

You are also right that you need to hang in there and keep building, or at a minimum maintaining, your career. 18 years ago, my DH would get tired and have some MS symptoms, but fast-forward a couple of decades and his symptoms have progressed. He can now only walk short distances, and needs 10+ hours/night of sleep. I don't know how much longer he can work. But if he has to retire tomorrow, we will be ok.

Like you, I hung in there with my career because I didn't have a choice. Over time, contrary to what some PPs say, it *did* get easier. The kids become more self-sufficient, and can stay up later. My workplace became more flexible. (Yours will, too, over time.) Nowadays, I am very happy that I was forced to hang in there, because we have financial stability thanks to my career.

All that said - you could consider going part-time and stalling your career progress for a few years. If you can afford it, I do not see the harm in that at all. I did that when the kids were younger, and it helped a lot. It also helped my marriage because I felt less put-upon by our circumstances.

Also contrary to a PP's assertion, I do thank feminism for this. If I didn't have the ability to support my family as I do, we would be in much worse shape.

You will be ok, OP. Really, you will.

Thank you SO much. You have no idea how much this means to me. I will really think about going part-time. I am currently on a flex schedule, so I do have one day a pay period off (although, of course, that means I have to work an hour later on the other days). I'm trying to figure out whether it's worth it to do the longer days to earn the flex day, or take shorter days and sacrifice the flex day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you stay at home on $160K? You live in a condo so your mortgage can't be that expensive.

We need guaranteed insurance because my husband has MS and his medication is very expensive. Maintaining my job with the feds (and particularly my job in the intel community, with its essentially guaranteed job security, rather than a job at another federal agency) is therefore critical. I know people have said I'm making excuses, but that's why I can't go part-time or work from home. My job doesn't allow a work from home option and it is intensely frowned upon to go part-time.

OP, I understand. My husband likewise has MS, and I felt *exactly* as you do 18 years ago, when my DS was almost 2yo. We went on to have a second child, and my kids are now almost 20 and 17.

You are right that you need guaranteed insurance, particular with the political landscape that currently exists. I would treat that as a non-negotiable.

You are also right that you need to hang in there and keep building, or at a minimum maintaining, your career. 18 years ago, my DH would get tired and have some MS symptoms, but fast-forward a couple of decades and his symptoms have progressed. He can now only walk short distances, and needs 10+ hours/night of sleep. I don't know how much longer he can work. But if he has to retire tomorrow, we will be ok.

Like you, I hung in there with my career because I didn't have a choice. Over time, contrary to what some PPs say, it *did* get easier. The kids become more self-sufficient, and can stay up later. My workplace became more flexible. (Yours will, too, over time.) Nowadays, I am very happy that I was forced to hang in there, because we have financial stability thanks to my career.

All that said - you could consider going part-time and stalling your career progress for a few years. If you can afford it, I do not see the harm in that at all. I did that when the kids were younger, and it helped a lot. It also helped my marriage because I felt less put-upon by our circumstances.

Also contrary to a PP's assertion, I do thank feminism for this. If I didn't have the ability to support my family as I do, we would be in much worse shape.

You will be ok, OP. Really, you will.