Physical abuse is not the only basis to allege a failure of a capacity and willingness to co-parent. The OP should be speaking with lawyers, not UB. (Though the lawyer above gave good advice.)

My ex is abusive...here are the fun birthday stories I have:
He planned and held a birthday party, I was not invited
We planned a joint party, he screamed at all the kids while parents were present
...since then we've done separate parties for separate friends.

Anonymous wrote:OP here--is this something that can be used in our custody battle? I just dont understand how someone with a history of girlfriends (and bad decisions) is so comfortably doing this while going through a very contentious custody battle? Doesn't it reflect terribly?

Used? How? They're throwing him a party. They're not beating him or neglecting him. Your interpretation that this is "cruel" won't be seen that way by a judge.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the lawyer responding above about your custody case. I would not engage in a battle involving your child's friends/families by holding a second party this year. You attend, support your child, and, yes, this is an element in your case if you are seeking to show his incapacity to co-parent effectively and respectfully. Again, it is not itself abusive behavior, but if there is a pattern of this, collect your evidence. Ignore the GF. Your behavior will be under a microscope. Everything must be done to promote your child's interests, not your feelings or wish for revenge or such.

This seems like the best advice on this thread. Focus on your kids.

This is really, really hard because the GF and your EX sound like first-class jerks, and like they are trying to egg you on. Enlist the help of sympathetic friends to vent your anger and get a therapist in addition to a lawyer. It will pay off in multiple ways -- you deserve the ability not to have these terrible people hijack your life.

I'm sorry about all this OP.

I have to disagree with PPs who recommended two parties. This is so hard for your kid and he's going to feel very much in the middle of this mess

Me too. Honestly, if I got an invite to a second birthday for a kid whose parents were divorcing, I'd feel very sorry for the kid and very pissed off at the parent who issued the second invite because I'd feel like that parent was putting my kid in the middle of your dirty laundry. I feel very bad for you OP, but you really don't want to do anything that makes things worse. I agree with the PP who said to think about the long game and if you do, you will see that a second party isn't going to go well for anyone. Find a special way to celebrate with your child. If it's too hard to go to the party, which it would likely be for me if I were you, then don't go. If you can muster what it takes to go, it's going to be awkward and you'll likely be the bad guy if things go wrong - another reason I wouldn't go.

Also, please consider that XH read your email as a "fix this" rather than him seeking a way to exclude you from the process.

Some people read invitations (to discuss an issue) as a need for assistance. Isn't this part of the male stereotype?

If you had said, let's discuss uniform sale, can you see him buying a bunch of clothing in response--him assuming you wanted him to handle it? Maybe it's something along those lines. "Since she doesn't have a plan, I guess we'll have the birthday party here." And nothing more than that.

Whatever the case, you'll need to understand how he operates moving forward.

Anonymous wrote:The idea to take a friend with you is an excellent one.

Take your closest friend who is confident and direct. She can be your wing woman the whole time. I would have her stay close to you and just have your back with conversation redirections if anyone tries to say something obnoxious to you.

If you were my friend OP I would be there with you with a fresh blowout, makeup, perfect outfit and all throwing shade at these bitches for you.

If you don't have this kind of friend in your life, you need to get one.

Actually taking a friend or family member is really truly terrible advice.

It just makes a more awkward situation even more horribly awkward. What you end up doing is standing to the side with your friend or family member and whispering the whole time how terrible the EX and GF are. Don't do it. It the mom wants to go, she goes by herself. If she doesn't want to go, she is honest with her child that this is a party for him and his dad's family. This is the reality of divorce. Sometimes both parents won't be at every party, event or celebration. There is a false promise and hope that kids get by constantly seeing their parents get together so soon after a split or divorce. I have watched friends make this mistake - birthday parties, vacations - and it just led to confuse and hurt for the kids.

It sounds like your DD was at your STB Ex’s house and they discussed what she wanted to do for her birthday. And then made plans based on those desires. Your DD obviously wants you to attend, so suck it up, bring a friend and support your kid. I realize it is painful and awkward but your child requested your presence.

As for the future, make sure your co-parenting agreement highlights these details so you are not caught off guard. It sounds like this is still new—good luck!

Anonymous wrote:If he has already sent invitations to your son's friends, then I would stick with that being the party this year. No reason to drag the friends into your mess. If I received invitations to two different parties for the same kid I'd assume the parents are petty.

Let him know that next year you would like to host or co-host it. You should go to the party for at least part of the time.

This. I'm so sorry, OP - this is a s**t sandwich but I have to disagree with PPs who recommended two parties. This is so hard for your kid and he's going to feel very much in the middle of this mess so all you can do is take the high road for your kid. It is better for him if you keep things peaceful and only fight the really important battles. Go to this party, focus only on your child, be cordial. It sucks so bad but it's the best thing for your kid and it will help him through this really difficult time.

Find a special way to celebrate his birthday with your family and let the other party go. Are his friends supposed to buy two gifts? It's awkward and puts your conflicts on public display.

Always take the high road and focus only on what will be least difficult for your DS. Trust me, he'll look back and remember how gracefully you handled things and he'll be grateful for it.

I am not exactly sure what OP does here, but I am sure that a lot of this tit for tat advice (get your nail and hair done, take a date, smile, do this, do that) is short term thinking.

Play the long game. What your your important goals and how are you going to get there.

My daughter recently went to two birthday parties for the same child because of divorce. Mom's party was at a party place and dad's was at his house. I didn't think it was weird at all.

Anonymous wrote:If you want good co-parenting, you attend and be charming. You can take child out to dinner and a movie and let him invite a couple of friends. After party, you have discussion with ex about coordinating future birthday parties, vacations, holidays. In fact, this should be in your custody agreement.

BE AN ADULT!

I’m only recently separated

If you want good co-parenting, you attend and be charming. You can take child out to dinner and a movie and let him invite a couple of friends. After party, you have discussion with ex about coordinating future birthday parties, vacations, holidays. In fact, this should be in your custody agreement.

BE AN ADULT!

The idea to take a friend with you is an excellent one.

Take your closest friend who is confident and direct. She can be your wing woman the whole time. I would have her stay close to you and just have your back with conversation redirections if anyone tries to say something obnoxious to you.

If you were my friend OP I would be there with you with a fresh blowout, makeup, perfect outfit and all throwing shade at these bitches for you.

If you don't have this kind of friend in your life, you need to get one.