Anonymous wrote:I likened it to two teenagers out to play while the adults are back home handling real life- kids, jobs, meals, carpool. Selfish is what comes to mind.

Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite experience regarding the Gottman principles, so it may not be Gottman itself at issue. My feeling about it was that if you are (as we were) committed to staying together, it at least is helpful to minimize the day-to-day toxicity that Gottman addresses very well.

But don't delude yourself; Gottman-based couples therapy doesn't address the underlying issues regarding your character.

OP, you fundamentally have to decide whether you care about living a life in which what you say you are doing and what you are actually doing (and what you say you have done, and what you have actually done) are the same.

If you don't prioritize this you may be able to do almost anything to keep a marriage together. If you do prioritize it you may find that it is intolerable to keep up the lie over the long term.

Some of the wayward spouses posting here to say that they did, or you should, never tell are living at a profound level of dissociation from their own actions. For some people that is comfortable--even preferable. For others it is completely unmanageable. You're the only one who knows, or can say, which you are.

I also got a postnup and in your shoes I would be prepared to offer one.

Anonymous wrote:Male cheaters should not have a female therapist. Omg. My good-looking Don Draper husband charmed the hell out of this PhD psychologist. She was giddy when I talked to her on the phone. It was comical how he pulled one over on her. I have seen him charm a stone into liquid.

He moved to a 68-year old man that doesn’t tolerate his bullsh@t.

Something also to think about.

Anonymous wrote:If it was a long term affair, I don’t think you do get over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Seriously, this should be the SOP for any spouse of a cheating husband. This is so smart on so many fronts: financially, accountability wise, mentally. This is awesome. Only thing is this may work for the short term but wonder if the agreement is good enough for you in the long term (e.g. you don't discover cheating for another 5-10 years). Not sure if there's a way to structure pre-nup differently but just a thought.

It's a post-nup, not a pre-nup. And, I'm not making anything dependent on discovering infidelity because I've seen how hard it was to know it was happening. He could choose to just walk out when kids hit college and pretend to go along for now. I covered all of my bases.

Anonymous wrote:Gottman method encouraged my cheater spouse. It did more harm to our marriage than good. I would avoid any couples therapist which used this method which is the trend these days.

I agree no joint couples therapy until cheater has extensive individual treatment, as well as the betrayed.

I would adamantly refuse it if cheater spouse asked initially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

So much of this rings true ...

"You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? " -- Valid question. Only one of you chose infidelity as a solution. That's the broken person here who needs counseling.

" Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused." -- "extreme pain" doesn't even begin to capture the feeling after you find out you have been cheated on.