Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:49     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did you marry first? Was she the same way when you were planning your wedding? Then when she got married, did she want you there for every event?


I got married one year before she did. She showed no interest in my wedding, but did go to it. She expected me to be at everything for her wedding, which I was.


Maybe she's a selfish bitch. Maybe she's just younger or hits life stages later than you, and doesn't find the stage you're in relatable until she gets there too. Other people's weddings, graduations and kids are boring as hell. She's not afraid to take a stand and not inconvenience herself to attend everything. There's really no reason for you to continue doing it. So what if she's insulted? You'd literally be doing the exact same thing she did to you: nothing.

You've spent a lifetime teaching her how to treat you. If you want to change the dynamic, change it. Here's how. Stand up for yourself. That doesn't mean tell her off, but it might mean calling her out. If she seems upset about you not going to her graduation, point out that she didn't come to your family events. (Which is fine I think. I recently had to explain to my sister for the 3rd time why I wouldn't be flying cross country for her wedding shower, and I told her I wouldn't have that conversation ever again so stop asking about it.) If she keeps talking for hours and never listening, tell her, ok sister, you told me your stories, not let me tell you what's going on with me. If that doesn't work, set a time limit for your phone call. Stop responding to her stories like she ignores yours. Get off the phone when she brings up a topic you're not interested in. She's given you clear impressions of disinterest, let her know you feel the same.

Here's what won't bring about a change in her behavior: continuing to give more to her than you want to, while quietly resenting it. Another thing that won't work: giving more of yourself to prove what a good person you are and secretly hoping she'll step up her game. Just stop. It's not working for you. I doubt your dh or kid enjoy it either.

2 more big questions about your relationship. Have you ever actually told her how important it is to you that she attends your events or do you just assume she knows because it's common in your family? (As in, did you say, "my feelings were hurt that you missed DH's graduation, even though I understand you're very busy. Is there any way you could come to celebrate DD's birthday because it would mean a lot for me to have you there?") And do you really like her? If she weren't your sister, would you want her at these events because you actually enjoy her company, or are you more upset that you followed the rules and now she's not, and you feel like you're getting the short end of the stick?
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:47     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
You can't control how interested in your kid your sister is. My sister is not especially interested in my child, or really, in me. We have a relatively superficial relationship, though we do joke around and have fun when we see each other at family events that my mom hosts. I've learned to accept the relationship for the more limited relationship that it is, and enjoy her when I see her. I don't expect too much emotionally, and I don't put myself out too much.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:44     Subject: Re:alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.


This. Our extended family lives across the country and it never occurred to me they would want to attend the kids' parties, first birthday party or not. I also wouldn't expect them at any graduation (maybe his mom would go) events. There is nothing worse than a graduation ceremony. Why on earth would you go to your sister's, especially with a toddler. It sounds like hell.


Because if I don't go, and bring my husband and kid, she will be hugely and massively insulted. At the same time, she has no intention of going to anything related to my life.


AND THAT IS HER PROBLEM, NOT YOURS.

It will take some time for this to sink in, OP, because you sound very immature.
But after a while, and with the help of additional sister-related upsetting events along the way, you will understand this. Let her feel however she wants to feel. Do not let yourself be forced into things you don't want to do. When you give, give out of the goodness of your heart, without thought of return.


Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:39     Subject: Re:alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.


This. Our extended family lives across the country and it never occurred to me they would want to attend the kids' parties, first birthday party or not. I also wouldn't expect them at any graduation (maybe his mom would go) events. There is nothing worse than a graduation ceremony. Why on earth would you go to your sister's, especially with a toddler. It sounds like hell.


Because if I don't go, and bring my husband and kid, she will be hugely and massively insulted. At the same time, she has no intention of going to anything related to my life.


Then let her be insulted. Look, if someone wants to do something for someone out of the goodness of their heart, they do it, and they don't expect reciprocation. If you want to go to her graduation because that's something you want to do for her, then you should do it and expect nothing in return. If, however, you're only going because you expect her to do the same, then it sounds like you'll be sorely disappointed. It's unrealistic of her to expect you to do everything for her while she does nothing for you. However, if you do go due to anything other than the goodness of your heart, you are not in the right to complain that she doesn't do anything for you. So if you can't go and expect nothing and be happy with that, then don't go.


PP: that's not how relationships actually work, though. At least not in my experience. You do get used to how much effort and interest each party puts in - but you still might be hurt or insulted, or pissed off, if the other party doesn't seem to reciprocate enough, or in the right way, or whatever. It's fine to be self-sufficient enough not to care, but I just don't think that's how most people experience relationships.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:18     Subject: Re:alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.


This. Our extended family lives across the country and it never occurred to me they would want to attend the kids' parties, first birthday party or not. I also wouldn't expect them at any graduation (maybe his mom would go) events. There is nothing worse than a graduation ceremony. Why on earth would you go to your sister's, especially with a toddler. It sounds like hell.


Because if I don't go, and bring my husband and kid, she will be hugely and massively insulted. At the same time, she has no intention of going to anything related to my life.


Then let her be insulted. Look, if someone wants to do something for someone out of the goodness of their heart, they do it, and they don't expect reciprocation. If you want to go to her graduation because that's something you want to do for her, then you should do it and expect nothing in return. If, however, you're only going because you expect her to do the same, then it sounds like you'll be sorely disappointed. It's unrealistic of her to expect you to do everything for her while she does nothing for you. However, if you do go due to anything other than the goodness of your heart, you are not in the right to complain that she doesn't do anything for you. So if you can't go and expect nothing and be happy with that, then don't go.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:13     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here -- she has a lot of disposable cash because her husband makes $200,000/year in the private sector and they live in a rent-controlled studio. I bring up my child, and she literally acts like I haven't said a thing.

I get that I might be expecting too much for her to fly out for the party or the graduation (though they're very close together, so you could easily do it in one trip). I guess my bigger issue is that she just shows zero interest in my life, or the life of my baby. Our phone conversations are entirely about her. This is something that started well before she was in her PhD program.


Maybe this has been addressed - but can you say this to her just like you said it to us? Just say: Sis, it hurts my feelings that you don't seem interested in my child. What's going on?

I don't have kids, and my brother had his first kid a year ago. I am so delighted about this child, and adore spending time with him (not enough, because we live far away). But my brother said to me a while ago that he would have been very hurt if I hadn't been interested in his child. Luckily, I am - but I hope he would have said something to me if I hadn't shown enough interest.

Anyway, I am sorry that this sounds like it's causing you pain. It's hard when you feel an imbalance in relationships that mean a lot to you. I hope you and your sister can figure things out. Congrats on all the achievements in your family, meantime.


Thanks for actually trying to understand (unlike others). I am proud of her accomplishment, but her constantly telling me she's busy and that I should be the one to come out to her hurts me because it suggests she doesn't respect the fact that I'm incredibly busy as well (and I have limited vacation time). I'll bring it up to her and see what she says.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:05     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:OP here -- she has a lot of disposable cash because her husband makes $200,000/year in the private sector and they live in a rent-controlled studio. I bring up my child, and she literally acts like I haven't said a thing.

I get that I might be expecting too much for her to fly out for the party or the graduation (though they're very close together, so you could easily do it in one trip). I guess my bigger issue is that she just shows zero interest in my life, or the life of my baby. Our phone conversations are entirely about her. This is something that started well before she was in her PhD program.


Maybe this has been addressed - but can you say this to her just like you said it to us? Just say: Sis, it hurts my feelings that you don't seem interested in my child. What's going on?

I don't have kids, and my brother had his first kid a year ago. I am so delighted about this child, and adore spending time with him (not enough, because we live far away). But my brother said to me a while ago that he would have been very hurt if I hadn't been interested in his child. Luckily, I am - but I hope he would have said something to me if I hadn't shown enough interest.

Anyway, I am sorry that this sounds like it's causing you pain. It's hard when you feel an imbalance in relationships that mean a lot to you. I hope you and your sister can figure things out. Congrats on all the achievements in your family, meantime.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:05     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
this
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 15:04     Subject: Re:alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
we went to her MA graduation overseas and are schlepping our daughter out to her PhD graduation next year

Your decisions are your decisions
You make those decisions knowing her actions, and history
Yes, some of your decisions are because you want to be a certain person (regardless of whether your effort is matched)
But it's your responsibility, in the relationship, to not exert so much effort that it makes you resentful
You get no accolades for "shoulds" if it's coupled with resentment.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 14:58     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Only my mom and husband went to my grad school graduation.

Only I went to my husband's phd graduation.


I totally understand that other people do things differently. My issue is that my family has a practice of going to one another's events (even when they are far away), making my sister's lack of attendance out of the ordinary.


Maybe you could realize that your sister has an extenuating circumstance (a dissertation, impending PhD) and excuse her from this "expectation." Maybe even be proud of her for the accomplishment.


Yeah, right. OP has already insulted her sister's PhD in the humanities, HHI, and decision-making.


Well I did point that out, but other people were snarky to her first, so.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 14:56     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Only my mom and husband went to my grad school graduation.

Only I went to my husband's phd graduation.


I totally understand that other people do things differently. My issue is that my family has a practice of going to one another's events (even when they are far away), making my sister's lack of attendance out of the ordinary.


Maybe you could realize that your sister has an extenuating circumstance (a dissertation, impending PhD) and excuse her from this "expectation." Maybe even be proud of her for the accomplishment.


Yeah, right. OP has already insulted her sister's PhD in the humanities, HHI, and decision-making.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 14:54     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Only my mom and husband went to my grad school graduation.

Only I went to my husband's phd graduation.


I totally understand that other people do things differently. My issue is that my family has a practice of going to one another's events (even when they are far away), making my sister's lack of attendance out of the ordinary.


Maybe you could realize that your sister has an extenuating circumstance (a dissertation, impending PhD) and excuse her from this "expectation." Maybe even be proud of her for the accomplishment.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 14:49     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
Anonymous wrote:Only my mom and husband went to my grad school graduation.

Only I went to my husband's phd graduation.


I totally understand that other people do things differently. My issue is that my family has a practice of going to one another's events (even when they are far away), making my sister's lack of attendance out of the ordinary.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 14:48     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
you asked if you have a right to be upset.

Consensus is a resounding NO
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2017 14:48     Subject: alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here
I would never expect family to travel more than an hour for a 1st birthday party, and I can't believe she was able to make it across the country twice in the last year while working on her PhD. That's amazing!

I realize you feel you've made more efforts towards her, and I understand that frustration. And that can be due to one of two things. 1) you're at a point in your life when it's easier for you to travel and/or have mental energy for her or 2) you have different ideas of how involved you should be in each others lives as adults. If it's the first one, remember that this may be a temporary period of her/your life. If it's the latter, reconsider how much effort you wish to put into her events. Either way, try not to keep track, when you choose to go to things for her, do it because you want to do it for her, not because you expect her to reciprocate.