Anonymous wrote:OP - you've gotten some great advise. Don't worry about those that say you can't live a complete and fulfilling life as a great mother with a great job -- they just haven't been able to figure it out. You have to be super organized. You have to not care too much about what people say about you. You have to always know that your kids needs come first. You have to outsource things that *you* don't think are important for you to do. If you care about planning birthday parties, do it. If you care about meal planning and cooking, do it even if you can afford other options. If you care about running carpool, figure out how to rework your schedule to do this even if you can hire a chauffeur. The PP who said to talk with your kids about your work is absolutely spot on. Show you kids what excites you - read science books with/to them. Go into their classroom and talk about how you approach a research problem. I am also a scientist. I went into my 6th grade DD's science class and talking to kids about some physics phenomena. My DD told me afterward that she has never felt more proud that I am her mother (and 12 year old girls are not known for showering praise on Mom). I am not able to make all her field trips. I am not able to volunteer in classrooms all the time. But when I do go in, I don't pretend to be someone I am not. Kids can spot a fake a mile away. I will never be a pinterest queen. I will always be a bit blunt and perhaps not as sympathetic as others about girl drama. But I love my kids so very much and present the best me I can for their sake. That's all you can do and it will work out for you. Your kids are the children of a medical researcher not a SAHM - and I believe they will be the richer for it when you just accept it. Just like the SAHM can't suddenly become someone she cannot be, neither can you.

Love this, being true to yourself is so important. I don't bake bread or hang around the pool with my kids on summer weekdays but I have my own strengths.

Anonymous wrote:Wait wait wait -- I am in a somewhat similar research field (health economics) and have a big league schedule and PI responsibilities on very large and multi year contracts. But the entire " outsource" answer ( lawn, house, errands, food prep, afternoon child care and carpools) did not fit into my academic salary. Only my friends who went to pharma or hospital management could afford this.

OP if you plan to outsource all this you need either a rich husband, family money, or the tiniest of mortgages and a zero vacation budget.

Or a husband who does more than 50%

OP - you've gotten some great advise. Don't worry about those that say you can't live a complete and fulfilling life as a great mother with a great job -- they just haven't been able to figure it out. You have to be super organized. You have to not care too much about what people say about you. You have to always know that your kids needs come first. You have to outsource things that *you* don't think are important for you to do. If you care about planning birthday parties, do it. If you care about meal planning and cooking, do it even if you can afford other options. If you care about running carpool, figure out how to rework your schedule to do this even if you can hire a chauffeur. The PP who said to talk with your kids about your work is absolutely spot on. Show you kids what excites you - read science books with/to them. Go into their classroom and talk about how you approach a research problem. I am also a scientist. I went into my 6th grade DD's science class and talking to kids about some physics phenomena. My DD told me afterward that she has never felt more proud that I am her mother (and 12 year old girls are not known for showering praise on Mom). I am not able to make all her field trips. I am not able to volunteer in classrooms all the time. But when I do go in, I don't pretend to be someone I am not. Kids can spot a fake a mile away. I will never be a pinterest queen. I will always be a bit blunt and perhaps not as sympathetic as others about girl drama. But I love my kids so very much and present the best me I can for their sake. That's all you can do and it will work out for you. Your kids are the children of a medical researcher not a SAHM - and I believe they will be the richer for it when you just accept it. Just like the SAHM can't suddenly become someone she cannot be, neither can you.

Didn't read the whole thread, but I assume it includes a lot of talking about how you can't work 60+ hrs per week and be a good mom. To that I say, whatever.

I am a nanny and have worked for many high-flying DC couples who both work 50-80 hrs per week. You are in a better position than some since you can control your schedule.

First, if your nanny isn't AMAZING, you may need to upgrade. Many nannies view their job as childcare only--essentially what a daycare worker would do but with a smaller ratio. the nannies who make life work for families like yours view their role as managing EVERYTHING pertaining to the kids. Amazing nannies take on A lot of the mental work of childrearing so that more of your time at home is actually spent with your kids.

On a typical week, I:
handle all kids' laundry
clean up any messes we make
Handle family grocery shopping
Do a dry-cleaning run
Plan, shop for and cook all kids' food, including leaving prepared meals for over the weekend
Plan and execute activities for each day
Parents walk into freshly bathed kids in their pajamas and a family dinner on the table. They eat as a family and do the bedtime routine.

I also tackle longer-term projects. In the last month I have:
packed all of the children's things for a family vacation
Scheduled the kids for their flu shots
Taken the kids for haircuts
Taken the kids shoe-shopping
Planned and executed a birthday party
Worked with the kid to create thank-you notes for their party guests
Researched classes for this fall for the toddlers
Researched preschools in our area for next fall

Next I will start rotating the kids' clothes as fall approaches and, now that they are back from vacation, I will focus more intensely on potty-training.

Instead of having to plan an entire birthday party, MB talks to the kid about what they want for their party, tells me the gist, I do some research and send her a spreadsheet and, pending approval and the guest list, I make it happen.

Depending on the level of outsourcing you can afford, a lot of people also have a household manager. Often this will be someone with a nanny background who can step in as backup care for the kids in a pinch but whose normal duties would include personal assistant-like tasks such as dry cleaning, pharmacy, or other errands, filling out forms, phone-tree hell calls, etc., but who would also handle things like finding, hiring and supervising someone to clean the gutters or fix that broken gate, supervising a weekly cleaner, walking the dog, etc.

I also find that a lot of parents get stressed trying to be home for bed 7 nights a week. If that is the case, the best solution I have found is to intentionally choose 1-2 night per week to work late and take the pressure off. Friday nights work well for this since you can use the night as a date night or one of you can go to happy hour if the other parent has to work, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

I disagree. The world needs well adjusted kids, and that means that BOTH partners should sacrifice to ensure their kids are living a happy life with enough "parent time."

I will NEVER sacrifice my kids for any job.

My children are people who deserve respect, too.

Thanks for playing along. You win the sanctimommy prize.

Anonymous wrote:You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

I disagree. The world needs well adjusted kids, and that means that BOTH partners should sacrifice to ensure their kids are living a happy life with enough "parent time."

I will NEVER sacrifice my kids for any job.

My children are people who deserve respect, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

you'd never ask a man that ...

I do - and have, especially when these demanding jobs force the other spouse to sacrifice more time than necessary.

Quite frankly, it's not worth it when you have children. And I mean this for both partners. You get one chance to raise your kids. I'd rather find a healthier balance where both partners can equally raise kids.

Maybe I'm spoiled from childhood (We had a family business.) and perhaps I'm lucky to be a position where my husband and I can balance out work schedules and kid time. We're not rich by DCUM standards but we do OK.

If you have to rely on Amazon to keep your life running smoothly, I don't think that's living.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

Can you name 10 successful women who work 60+ hours, happily married to their first husband and raised happy and healthy children. I will be happy to see modern approach.

I am one of those women. Married 21 happy years. Happy healthy nearly grown kids. Make $280k. I don't even have a housekeeper- I don't outsource anything. Well we do have a guy cut our lawn...
Regularly work 55 hours week, more during projects. I agree though something fails. For me, I don't have close friends like I did in my late 20s. Just no time. I've sacrificed that. I think a lot of women are able to keep all the work and family balls in the air successfully, they just sacrifice themselves somewhere. It's a choice.

Anonymous wrote:Here's my take...if something happens to you who will be most impacted? Your kids. Someone else will pick up the research and continue on. You are important but prioritize based on the those facts.

Everyone thinks they're irreplaceable. The truth is that no one is. There are close to 7 billion people in the world, and no shortage of people with abilities in any field. But it strokes the ego to think that no one can do what we do at work.

Wait wait wait -- I am in a somewhat similar research field (health economics) and have a big league schedule and PI responsibilities on very large and multi year contracts. But the entire " outsource" answer ( lawn, house, errands, food prep, afternoon child care and carpools) did not fit into my academic salary. Only my friends who went to pharma or hospital management could afford this.

OP if you plan to outsource all this you need either a rich husband, family money, or the tiniest of mortgages and a zero vacation budget.

Here's my take...if something happens to you who will be most impacted? Your kids. Someone else will pick up the research and continue on. You are important but prioritize based on the those facts.

Lots of good advice but I didn't see --

OP, talk to your kids about your work Bring them into the building, maybe on a weekend, so they get a sense of what you do (and where you do it) while you are away from them. Tell them how you are researching advances to help people. Try and go to career days when they are older. Let them be proud of you. Don't let work be this mysterious void between you.

Anonymous wrote:You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

So true! Well said.

Anonymous wrote:Cut back on work and be a mom.

New poster... this is a crappy thing to say. Women are moms even when they work. And many moms don't feel that they have to be with a kid 24/7 to be a good mom. I think motherhood 24/7 is menial labor. Work for many moms is important and sets a good example for their kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

It's telling that you received so much hate for so much truth. Everything you said was absolutely true, and for both men and women.