Anonymous wrote:I think the posters are overreacting. My parents divorced when I was little and my dad remarried and had 2 more kids. I visited him and sometimes went on vacations like the beach with them. A few times they went on big vacations like Hawaii and Disney and I didn't go. I was old enough to understand that my dad was allowed to vacation with his other kids without taking me. I didn't feel left out. My mom took me on vacations too so honestly, I ended up going on vacation twice most years. I wouldn't take a 3 yr old to Disney myself. I'd wait a few years until the kid could actually remember the trip and by then, the older kids won't be interested anyway.

These kids live with the dad. They spend as much time with dad as they do with mom. They don't "visit". If your mom, the parent you lived with, had done this would you have felt the same way?

If the family can afford to spend 3 members to Disney, then the two obvious ones are the two older kids. Dad is the obvious parent. Does that feel slightly unfair OP? Because it's far less fair than what you're proposing.

New poster here.
My son really enjoyed Disney at 4.5 yo, but now he is 7, he is kind of reluctant to go anywhere, including Disney, and it even seems a bit childish to him.
I mean, you may want to go just you, your mom, and your child next year.
Also, in this country you are expected to include stepkids into everything, it is honestly annoying to me but it is what it is...

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn't realize this would be such a hot topic. I just read every single post. I posted thinking I'd get validation from blended families who do this stuff all the time. I was mistaken.
I wouldn't have posted if I wasn't feeling bad about the conversation with the ex. I suppose I have this fantasy about the magic of Disney World. I wanted to share that with my son, who will probably be the only "baby" I'll ever have.
We are not going to go. I'm pretty annoyed actually, but I think that the ex might be right. It seems fair that we should be able to take him, especially since the others have already been, but I know kids are not rational in that way. The happy family we are trying to create could be damaged. Sigh. We are not going. We'll save a bit each month and do it in a year or two.

He'll enjoy it more in two years, but you could go now if you wanted to make it work. There are many ways, as PPs have suggested.

NOT OK.

People should stop piling on OP. She posted explaining that she had expected different responses and, in part because she didn't get them, has reconsidered and is planning to take everyone's advice. She can be (unreasonably) annoyed about it, but she's stepping up and doing the right thing, which is what matters. Think about how many posters don't get the answers they want, reply sneakily, stick their head in the sand and stay the course...

OP, what would you think was fair if the two big kids were yours, and the little one was your DH's from a previous marriage. Would you still want to go to Disney with just the little one, and let the big ones go to their dad? Doubt it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, another way to frame this. Suppose you had biological children ages 10 and 12, then had a 3 year old. 5 years ago when your children were 5 and 7, you took the older ones to Disney and they had a wonderful time. Now you have a 3 year old who wasn't born during the last trip. You only have enough money to take three of you to Disney. Would you send your older two children to your mother's house and let them spend the week at Grandma's while you took your new baby to Disney because he's never been?

You are creating the dynamic that his first children are not as important or as loved as their younger brother. Do you want to be that mother?

See, I think that would be a little bit more okay. The big kids could go to camp or something. But it's totally different, because in that scenario, nobody is doubting their place in the family. It's more like, if you had 3 bio children, and two of them had to live in a facility for medical reasons and didn't get enough time with their dad and sibling, would you still exclude them? No, you would care about them and want them to have dad time and brother time.

Children of divorce have to schlepp between two complicated situations that are fraught with loss, and potentially where they are unwelcome. Two of those doesn't add up to one happy home. They are always going to wonder if you really want them around. And, don't forget, there are lots of times when they would be happier and more relaxed without you around. Do you want to be included by them, even when they feel that way? Then include them when you don't want to. If they are really full-fledged members of your household, they should feel like you want them to be there.

OP, another way to frame this. Suppose you had biological children ages 10 and 12, then had a 3 year old. 5 years ago when your children were 5 and 7, you took the older ones to Disney and they had a wonderful time. Now you have a 3 year old who wasn't born during the last trip. You only have enough money to take three of you to Disney. Would you send your older two children to your mother's house and let them spend the week at Grandma's while you took your new baby to Disney because he's never been?

You are creating the dynamic that his first children are not as important or as loved as their younger brother. Do you want to be that mother?

I'm glad you reconsidered and are going to save up to take the trip when you can all go. Also, as many people pointed out, there are many ways to make the trip less expensive. For example, you can get a 2 BR suite at the Residence Inn Orlando which is about 10 miles and 20 minutes drive from the parks for about 1/3 the cost you can get one of the on-site resorts for. Plus, you get the free breakfast buffet. So, you can get up, hit the buffet, pack some fruit and cereal and snacks in a backpack and then you only have to pay for lunch and dinner. That will save a lot. You can get an SUV rental for a lot less per day than the difference in room rate plus adding breakfast, since you'd have to pay for breakfast if you stayed on site. Additionally, once you are staying in a Residence Inn with kitchen and you have a rental, you can go to the supermarket in Kissimee and pick up additional supplies including water bottles and other snacks to have in the parks. Also, if you kids want mementos, the Walmart in Kissimee has a lot of Disney keepsakes for less than half the cost of getting them in the park. You can get tee shirts and sweats shirts for $15-20 instead of $30-45 in the parks. They have like 2 aisles of Disney gifts at discount rates instead of park premium rates. Plus, there are other attractions in the area that you can do, including some that are significantly cheaper and take one less day in the parks. Your kids are a great age for Wonder Works which is like a science expo or science center. Tickets are $30 (adult) and $24 (children) instead of $50-100.

I think the decision to go just the 3 of you would have created lifelong family relationship issues not only between you and the stepchildren but also possibly between the three children. Reconsidering will help make the family bonds stronger instead of weaker.

Did the 2 older kids go to Disney twice when their parents were still married? If they have been twice with their dad, I wouldn't feel like I had to rake them again.

Anonymous wrote:OP, aside from this trip, why would they think you amd your DH love the little one more? You are lucky that you got an explicit heads up about this. Do some thinking and try to see your household from their perapective. And try, really hard, to do what a parent who truly loved them would do.

Truer words never spoken. Loving the kids doesn't mean giving them everything they want, but it does mean trying to understand their perspective and valuing their presence in your life. It would mean enjoying the idea of siblings at Disney together.

Similarly, "She took my dad to Disneyland without me" is not what people usually say when they are explaining why their stepmoms are awesome.

Thinking ahead will you pay for step kids college? What about cars? Will your DC get a car and not step kids?
All 3 children are DH and should be treated equally

OP, aside from this trip, why would they think you amd your DH love the little one more? You are lucky that you got an explicit heads up about this. Do some thinking and try to see your household from their perapective. And try, really hard, to do what a parent who truly loved them would do.

Anonymous wrote:I feel awful for these kids. First their parents got divorced, and then their dad had a baby with his new wife, and they have to see their half-sibling get an intact nuclear family. And the stepmom doesn't see why they'd be sad about missing out on Disney.

+1 very sad

I feel awful for these kids. First their parents got divorced, and then their dad had a baby with his new wife, and they have to see their half-sibling get an intact nuclear family. And the stepmom doesn't see why they'd be sad about missing out on Disney.

Anonymous wrote:What about just you going with the 3 year old? Seems like it would obviate most of the concerns presented here.

This. And dad can spend time alone with his older children