Anonymous wrote:DH and I have had a rough few months - I don't feel very appreciated and I'm very much the default parent and it's getting exhausting. We've talked/fought about it multiple times so it's not like this is anything new. When he sees me starting to reach the end of my rope he'll start picking up a little bit of slack and then expect me to THANK HIM!! He'll point out simple things he did, like getting DS in his pajamas, or "cleaning" the kitchen, and then wait for me to say thank you... You're not doing me any favors, bud. I try to be appreciative when he actually does something useful without a prompt from me, but your'e not going to get fawned over for doing basic parenting or homeowner chores.

Vent over...

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

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Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. I think it's ridiculous how some men basically expect sexual favors if they contribute to a basic household chore.

I don't expect a thank you for everything I do around the house. And I pretty much do everything. And I do it without complaint or expectation that I will get a trophy for it, because it has to be done. So don't put two dishes in the effing sink, tell me you "cleaned the kitchen", and look at me like a dog looks for a treat, expecting praise for "all" that you've done. That's the only time I will complain, because it's so ridiculous. I spent 2 hours cleaning. You spend 2 minutes. And you expect me to lavish you in praise? It's infuriating.

People don't get a cookie for doing things they are SUPPOSED to do. And I've instilled that in my kids. Don't go around looking for praise and validation for things you are supposed to do in life. You aren't gonna get pats on your back for merely showing up. You gotta be able to do what needs to be done, without a "you're so awesome!!!" attached to it.

I hope you're also teaching your children about love and kindness.

They are smothered in love and affection. It's actually over the top, because by the end of the day, they are squirming away from my attempts to snuggle and hug and give them kisses. But, I also teach them about sacrifice and responsibility. From the feedback I get from their teachers, other parents and coaches, I'm sure they are friendly, kind and thankful children. I doubt all those adults are lying to me when saying they wish they'd be in their class forever, they're a pleasure to coach, anytime ___ wants to come over they're always welcome, etc.

The only negative I've seen is that they do see me doing EVERYTHING all the time, going out of my way for people, never saying no, taking it all on myself, etc. They have the same traits, and I can already see some kids taking advantage of their kindness and willingness to do things for them. In that sense, it would probably be better for me to show that you don't always have to do everything and take care of others, at the expense of yourself.

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Anonymous wrote:I do all the time. That's how you get them to do more. Duh!

THis. They're like puppies sometimes. Only positive reinforcement works. But it does work!! And my dh is generally very awesome. Be we had conversations about some chores etc and he said it really motivates him when I notice he did whatever. So I go with it. He does a good job thanking me as well and showing alleviation in other ways.

Anonymous wrote:We thank each other for the things we do - even though they are our responsibilities. It would really irritate me if the thanking was one-sided.

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Anonymous wrote:This is the result of the trophy generation... they need a trophy for every little thing they do. Pathetic.

That's moronic. It was my grandparents and parents who taught me to say "thank you." They are unfailingly polite and taught me to be likewise (except, apparently, where snowflakes who get triggered by trophies are concerned). "Thank you" isn't a trophy. It's courtesy.