Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're saying things have changed, that he's made an effort, that he seems to recognize he made past mistakes. You need to forgive and move on. Focus on your present and future, rather than dwelling on the past. Wallowing on past wrongs that the other person has made an effort to address is only hurting you.

That's basically what I told my therapist.

She cautioned me against that type of thinking, because with his drinking habits, what am I going to do if he starts the same behavior 5 years from now? Hanging out with his family 5 days a week and gettinb hammered? This sass 2 years of constant behaviour versus six months of moderate change.

I think you misunderstood what your therapist told you. There's a difference between not holding on to past mistakes and being resentful and not being a fool.

Punishing him and his parents now for what happened in the past is not productive.

You can still be wise and notice things like if he starts to fall into old paterns and not live bein angry.

Doesnt* have to be zero contact, I meant to type.

I think that since you made the decision to stay with your husband and marry him--knowing full well that when you marry a person, you also "marry their family"'so to speak--you should work on a cordial relationship with his family and try to rebuild. There can BE gray areas. It doesn't have to be full-on love and intertwined lives and it does have to be zero contact. I don't think it is a bad thing to have a civil, and friendly, relationship. At this point in time you're just going into it with eyes wide open and you know that there are behaviors you should be on guard against. I don't see much good coming from isolating them. If they were part of the original problem wouldn't it make some sense to try to keep them close to you to know what they're up to?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go. And think about the alternative. When my ILs come to visit, half the time I think they are hoping I won't join for meals so they get more time with DH.

You are right, they are
I always prefer to hang out with my brother without SIL, though she is nice and is always nice to me, etc.
she is just neither real family nor my friend, so there is no real pleasure for me.

My MIL and SIL feel the same way as you, and over time their behavior became more overt than subtle . It's been years since we've seen them.

Same.

I'm a little unclear why you married your husband in the first place. It sounds like most of these issues surfaced during the dating period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're saying things have changed, that he's made an effort, that he seems to recognize he made past mistakes. You need to forgive and move on. Focus on your present and future, rather than dwelling on the past. Wallowing on past wrongs that the other person has made an effort to address is only hurting you.

That's basically what I told my therapist.

She cautioned me against that type of thinking, because with his drinking habits, what am I going to do if he starts the same behavior 5 years from now? Hanging out with his family 5 days a week and gettinb hammered? This sass 2 years of constant behaviour versus six months of moderate change.

You keep giving us important information piecemeal. I feel like I don't have a frame of reference anymore, but you certainly seem unhappy in your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go. And think about the alternative. When my ILs come to visit, half the time I think they are hoping I won't join for meals so they get more time with DH.

You are right, they are
I always prefer to hang out with my brother without SIL, though she is nice and is always nice to me, etc.
she is just neither real family nor my friend, so there is no real pleasure for me.

My MIL and SIL feel the same way as you, and over time their behavior became more overt than subtle . It's been years since we've seen them.

Was he drinking with his parents or with friends from his old neighbirhood? With the additional information, I wouldn't have dinner with them. After cutting back on contact, drinking with them and paying their bills, the ILs likely feel you could be helpful in getting DH to return to their dysfunction.

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're saying things have changed, that he's made an effort, that he seems to recognize he made past mistakes. You need to forgive and move on. Focus on your present and future, rather than dwelling on the past. Wallowing on past wrongs that the other person has made an effort to address is only hurting you.

That's basically what I told my therapist.

She cautioned me against that type of thinking, because with his drinking habits, what am I going to do if he starts the same behavior 5 years from now? Hanging out with his family 5 days a week and gettinb hammered? This sass 2 years of constant behaviour versus six months of moderate change.

Op, you're saying things have changed, that he's made an effort, that he seems to recognize he made past mistakes. You need to forgive and move on. Focus on your present and future, rather than dwelling on the past. Wallowing on past wrongs that the other person has made an effort to address is only hurting you.

Anonymous wrote:You're married to him, not his parents. Just say you'd rather not, but thanks for the invitation.

But yeah, I wouldn't stay married to that guy.

Can you elaborate on why?

DH has made significant changes. But it doesn't make it better. I'm still so resentful.

I would feel bad leaving a marriage where he made efforts to change, and changed his behavior, and I still ended up leaving.

I just want to know other people's perspectives. I've been in my own head for so long.

Wowza, OP- that's a heck of an "other shoe to drop" from the original post, but I'm sorry you are dealing with all this- I still think you should go, they are either just being nice or maybe they want to discuss some DH issues? Perhaps some things are happening behind your back that they feel you should know? Since they enable?

You're married to him, not his parents. Just say you'd rather not, but thanks for the invitation.

But yeah, I wouldn't stay married to that guy.