Anonymous wrote:But no one thinks you have an objectively easier situation...but you. No one is also thinking other moms are messing up Ned time when it goes awry...but you. Glad you have your routine down so well. Almost sounds like, objectively, you have an EASIER time of it.

Of course there are times when my individual life is easier or harder than other people's lives. Because the definition of "single mom" has nothing to do with how hard it is. It has to do with whether or not your married, and whether or not you have a child.

Single parenting is not some badge of honor for doing something really hard. If it was, we'd hand out the title to people who climbed Mount Everest. They didn't say "Congratulations, Edmund, I hereby dub you 'Single Mother' in honor of your great achievement." Instead, they made him a knight.

But no one thinks you have an objectively easier situation...but you. No one is also thinking other moms are messing up Ned time when it goes awry...but you. Glad you have your routine down so well. Almost sounds like, objectively, you have an EASIER time of it.

Anonymous wrote:What I think some people here are missing is that it's a jerk move to compare your situation to someone else's and say you understand their struggles. Period. THAT's what's getting everyone so upset.

It's particularly a jerk move when the person with the objectively easier situation looks at the person with the objectively harder situation and says, "Yep, I'm there too. I can relate." BECAUSE YOU CAN'T. And because what's the point in saying that? The idea of "relating" is to connect and if the person you're trying to connect to is offended, you haven't really connected!

Exactly, in addition, people who say this generally do this when they've messed up. So, you go to put your kids to bed without your DH, and it goes super badly, you end up with baby screaming for hours, and giving up and letting toddler fall asleep in front of the TV, and you think "Ooooh, now I can relate to Jane?" Is that what you think of me? That my kids lives are a mess, and full of screaming and TV, and my kids aren't ever getting their needs, like a steady bedtime met?

I've had parents come to me and say "Joe is out of town, and we're struggling to figure out how to do bedtime with just one parent, what works for you?" That's fine, because it implies that you think I'm a decent parent, and that I must have a solution.

Now the reality is, that I might not have a solution for you. Because part of why your kids are out of sorts is because their routine is messed up, and they miss Daddy, and those things aren't factors for me. So, I'll say "I bet it's really hard for you when Joe is away, because the routine is off, and because the change in routine reminds them that Daddy's not there. We have a pretty stable routine that works for us because it's me every night. Our regular routine is . . . ."

Anonymous wrote:I think it's kind of funny that the divorced moms are taking offense at the mom whose husband travels a lot saying she's like a single mom, while the widowed mom is saying the divorced moms don't know the struggle of single parenting because they have child support and visitation.

I know, so funny right!??

Anonymous wrote:What I think some people here are missing is that it's a jerk move to compare your situation to someone else's and say you understand their struggles. Period. THAT's what's getting everyone so upset.

It's particularly a jerk move when the person with the objectively easier situation looks at the person with the objectively harder situation and says, "Yep, I'm there too. I can relate." BECAUSE YOU CAN'T. And because what's the point in saying that? The idea of "relating" is to connect and if the person you're trying to connect to is offended, you haven't really connected!

This. I am a single mother by choice (but not the prior poster). I have a good income and was able to save and plan for the baby before I had her, take a long maternity leave, hire a nanny, etc. She was welcomed by my whole family and there is no second-parent drama. I would never, ever go up to a teenage, lower-income, single mom who wanted her child's father to be part of her family but he chose not to parent and say, "I can relate. I'm a single mom too." Oh my gosh no!

What I think some people here are missing is that it's a jerk move to compare your situation to someone else's and say you understand their struggles. Period. THAT's what's getting everyone so upset.

It's particularly a jerk move when the person with the objectively easier situation looks at the person with the objectively harder situation and says, "Yep, I'm there too. I can relate." BECAUSE YOU CAN'T. And because what's the point in saying that? The idea of "relating" is to connect and if the person you're trying to connect to is offended, you haven't really connected!

If you're reacting over a term, you need to grow up a little. You do realize there is no dibs on the term single mom, right? The words single and mom each, when defined separately (and by merriam Webster) and me meet the definition of more than just your discrete class of people.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's kind of funny that the divorced moms are taking offense at the mom whose husband travels a lot saying she's like a single mom, while the widowed mom is saying the divorced moms don't know the struggle of single parenting because they have child support and visitation.

I'm one of the moms who reacted to the woman whose husband traveled. I'm not a divorced mom, I'm a single mom by choice, I've never been married.

There is absolutely no doubt that being widowed is hard in a way that I've never experienced. My heart goes out to her. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be grieving while trying to hold it together for a child.

But there's already a term for someone who has lost a spouse and has a child. It is widowed parent/mom/dad.

A single parent is someone who is single and a parent. It's not about how hard it is. It's about whether or not you are married or partnered.

I think it's kind of funny that the divorced moms are taking offense at the mom whose husband travels a lot saying she's like a single mom, while the widowed mom is saying the divorced moms don't know the struggle of single parenting because they have child support and visitation.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

Why do you ask this question?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a widow and raising a child on my own. To me that is a single parent. However, divorced women whose ex-husbands are very much alive and involved in parenting also call themselves single parents.

So does single parent mean just one parent in the house at a time?

o

I agree with you.

I agree with both the widow and divorced woman. They are both single parents though the widow doesn't want to hear it.

Anonymous wrote:I am a widow and raising a child on my own. To me that is a single parent. However, divorced women whose ex-husbands are very much alive and involved in parenting also call themselves single parents.

So does single parent mean just one parent in the house at a time?

o

I agree with you.

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea that single parenting is defined by whether someone else makes a financial contribution is bizarre. In that sense, many widows and widowers who received life insurance payments designed to replace list spousal income would actually not be single parents.

This. They seem to think they have a hold on the true difficulties in life and childrearing. You don't. You also think it has to do with finances. It doesn't necessarily though sometimes it does. Your family and hardships are no worse off than others'. Stop the woe is me.

The whole idea that single parenting is defined by whether someone else makes a financial contribution is bizarre. In that sense, many widows and widowers who received life insurance payments designed to replace list spousal income would actually not be single parents.

It's not a competition. Who cares? Let people refer to themselves how they want to.