Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She could use her science degree and go to medical/dental school.

OP, please be the parent of the child you actually have, not of the child you wish you had.

I am. Is it wrong that I want the only child I have to be successful?

Pushing a stem career when she's a junior in high school is pretty pathetic. You should have thought of this 10 years ago.

OP: I get where you are coming from. I have two kids who have a strong STEM interest, and I am very thankful. I had a single mother. And she always taught me that it was important to be able to support yourself. Knowing that your kids will always be able to support themselves is important. People who say it isn't haven't worried about whether they can afford to take their sick kid to the doctor.

But I agree with the time machine poster. The time to foster a love of science is at age 6, with Smithsonians and science camps where you go out to the stream and explore, not age 16. And even then, you are helping kids see the joy in something, and seeing if it takes. At this point, you kid knows who she is-- or she thinks she does. Pushing her into something runs a high risk of rebellion.

I think it is interesting that you say she is not a great dancer, and not a great cook. By age 16, people usually have a fair assessment of their strengths and weaknesses. Does she think she is a great cook and dancer? Or is she just telling you something because you are demanding a life plan? What do you think her strengths are?

Helping a kid find their path is complicated. Most people need to make a certain amount of money to be happy. What that threshold is varies from person to person. And they need to spend time doing something they enjoy-- or at least don't hate.

I think you and she have some work to do. First, you need to understand the need for marketable skills. I think a great way to do that is to get a job. It can really stink to do something boring and difficult for minimum wage. But if you have no skills, that's what you end up with. It sounds to me like you have a kid who is ready for a summer or school year job to help pay for part of her dance lessons or her own spending money. Also, she wants to be a chef. Excellent! This summer is a great time for her to take over meal planning, food shopping and meal prep-- on your budget. Maybe she'll surprise you. Or become more realistic.

The other step is helping her develop her strengths and areas of interest into marketable skills. But you can't do that until you you figure out what they are. So, her interests are dance and food. What are her strengths? Start there. Rather than what you want her strengths to be. There are lots of ways to be involved in the dance community without dancing. There are lots of careers that involve food, but not cooking.

Most people don't go to college with their career path planned out. If she goes to college with the understanding that she needs to come out with the ability to support herself or to go into a graduate program that will enable her to support herself, and if she goes to a college that lines up well with her strengths and interests, she's off to a good start.

OP, I know the couple who are both dance instructors. They are very happy and doing very well. In addition to the private studio classes, the wife teaches in the private school which allows all their three kids to attend either for free or very reduced tuition (I don't know the detalis). They are one of the happiest families I've ever met.

Please, encourage her. People have to support economy. She will be earning and spending money. Excellent!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She could use her science degree and go to medical/dental school.

OP, please be the parent of the child you actually have, not of the child you wish you had.

I am. Is it wrong that I want the only child I have to be successful?

It's wrong to define success so narrowly, and to communicate to your child that she's "unsuccessful" if she charts her own path.

I'd actually love to see a study that compares the earning potentials of people who majored in the things they are good at, with people who got science degrees because their parents forced them to. I'm guessing that the results will not be what people imagine.

I am a full time dance educator. I may not be rich or well off according to the standards in the area, but I can afford an apartment in a nice area and live very comfortably supporting myself. More importantly, I am happy. I love my job and look forward to going to work everyday. I can take modest vacations and save when I want nice things. I feel like I have a good life. If she really wants this, it is possible to make it work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She could use her science degree and go to medical/dental school.

OP, please be the parent of the child you actually have, not of the child you wish you had.

I am. Is it wrong that I want the only child I have to be successful?

It's fine to help her consider a wider array of options that fit with her interests (e.g. working with dancers as a physical therapist could be a great fit depending on the kid) and help her understand expected income from different career paths. But, you need to widen your definition of "success". For many in DCUM-land "success" just means "making a lot of money" but there are plenty of people who would rather earn less to pursue what they are passionate about. As long as they can figure out how to live within their means, there is nothing wrong with that.

+1

Would she have any interest in being a dietician or nutritionist? Or physical therapist? This are jobs that earn decent livings and are flexible (so thinking long term and family life balance). I worked in finance so great $ early on but not compatible with having kids!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never allow my child to go into any of this. You have the right instinct not to.

How old is your child? Once your child is 18, you can't not allow it. You can stomp around and shout. You can refuse to provide money. You can throw your child out of the house. You can cut off contact with your child. But you can't not allow your child. Your child will make their own decisions.

My children are 21 and 17 and I didn't allow it the same way my parents didn't - by brainwashing them, like I was, since age five that financial security must be their goal. Ergo, occupations that didn't offer that didn't occur to me as possibilities. Ergo, both my children are headed to moneymaking fields. Their passion is their business.

I wouldn't need to cut off contact or throw them out of the house or do any of that stupid stuff. Being poor will be their best punishment and the best vaccination from stupid decisions that lead that way.

I'm glad for the sake of your children that they turned out to be children who (so far) agree with their parent's point of view.

I didn't--I'm a theatre educator who was was responding to the idea that none of us knew how hard the life of a chef or someone working in the food industry could be. But I did tend bar at a well-regarded hotel, and I know quite a few people who had internships in the catering/hospitality side because it was what they were studying. As well as the chefs and cooks on the line who worked their asses off.

Basically, you know very little about life of a chef, life of a lawyer or a life a scientist as well as life in a corporate world or in a kitchen.
I went back to tending bar after 20 years in the office and hating the last 10. My undergrad was a complete waste, Masters gave me a job that I was happy with until I had to move up in ranks. I don't have miserable co-workers anymore. If one stays as a line cook all their career, their science degree will earn them nothing as some lab tech with no aspirations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP at 15:21 wins the DCUM award for doing the best job of confirming an OP's biases and telling an OP precisely what OP wants to hear.

Too bad neither 15:21 nor OP paid any attention to how several PPs much earlier already suggested having the daughter get a job in catering or a restaurant, so she can see what it's like at the lowest level. And several PPs mentioned to OP already that the DD could study hospitality or business. Those aren't exactly goopy, romanticized "follow you passion" suggestions.

I am telling her god's honest truth as someone who spent years in restaurant kitchens, unlike you privileged bitches who ooh and aaah over your plates but have no idea that a guy who made your food needs five Advils just to get to the end of the shift, that he doesn't have health insurance and never will, that he never gets home before 2 am, that he spent the last twenty New Year's nights working, and that his back has gone to shit at age 28, and that he is only allowed a day off when his mother dies. That an expensive degree in this field is useless. That's not a bias. That's an actual fact of life, the life that most of you will never know.

And some of us who said "let her major in what she will and also suggest that she study business" have also spent our time in kitchens, or behind drink service bars, or as servers, or front-of-house scrimping and saving until it paid off. And we learned a ton from each of those jobs, as we did our non-science majors.

Did you do it to make extra money, or because you had a DEGREE in culinary science or FOH, and that was to be your actual career?

I didn't--I'm a theatre educator who was was responding to the idea that none of us knew how hard the life of a chef or someone working in the food industry could be. But I did tend bar at a well-regarded hotel, and I know quite a few people who had internships in the catering/hospitality side because it was what they were studying. As well as the chefs and cooks on the line who worked their asses off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP at 15:21 wins the DCUM award for doing the best job of confirming an OP's biases and telling an OP precisely what OP wants to hear.

Too bad neither 15:21 nor OP paid any attention to how several PPs much earlier already suggested having the daughter get a job in catering or a restaurant, so she can see what it's like at the lowest level. And several PPs mentioned to OP already that the DD could study hospitality or business. Those aren't exactly goopy, romanticized "follow you passion" suggestions.

I am telling her god's honest truth as someone who spent years in restaurant kitchens, unlike you privileged bitches who ooh and aaah over your plates but have no idea that a guy who made your food needs five Advils just to get to the end of the shift, that he doesn't have health insurance and never will, that he never gets home before 2 am, that he spent the last twenty New Year's nights working, and that his back has gone to shit at age 28, and that he is only allowed a day off when his mother dies. That an expensive degree in this field is useless. That's not a bias. That's an actual fact of life, the life that most of you will never know.

And some of us who said "let her major in what she will and also suggest that she study business" have also spent our time in kitchens, or behind drink service bars, or as servers, or front-of-house scrimping and saving until it paid off. And we learned a ton from each of those jobs, as we did our non-science majors.

Did you do it to make extra money, or because you had a DEGREE in culinary science or FOH, and that was to be your actual career?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP at 15:21 wins the DCUM award for doing the best job of confirming an OP's biases and telling an OP precisely what OP wants to hear.

Too bad neither 15:21 nor OP paid any attention to how several PPs much earlier already suggested having the daughter get a job in catering or a restaurant, so she can see what it's like at the lowest level. And several PPs mentioned to OP already that the DD could study hospitality or business. Those aren't exactly goopy, romanticized "follow you passion" suggestions.

I am telling her god's honest truth as someone who spent years in restaurant kitchens, unlike you privileged bitches who ooh and aaah over your plates but have no idea that a guy who made your food needs five Advils just to get to the end of the shift, that he doesn't have health insurance and never will, that he never gets home before 2 am, that he spent the last twenty New Year's nights working, and that his back has gone to shit at age 28, and that he is only allowed a day off when his mother dies. That an expensive degree in this field is useless. That's not a bias. That's an actual fact of life, the life that most of you will never know.

And some of us who said "let her major in what she will and also suggest that she study business" have also spent our time in kitchens, or behind drink service bars, or as servers, or front-of-house scrimping and saving until it paid off. And we learned a ton from each of those jobs, as we did our non-science majors.

I agree with the posters who think you have too narrow a definition of "safe" majors, and I think it's sad that you're planning to pressure your child, but I have some suggestions for you:
-Encourage her to take chemistry as a supplement to her culinary education. Not major in it. Just take a class or two. If she likes it, she may pursue it further.
-Encourage her to take business and accounting classes so she can be ready to run whatever business she creates.
-Let her pick her actual major.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an attorney and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish that I had gone to culinary school instead. I wish that I had been your daughter and realized that that's what I wanted at 16 rather than at 36, when it was way, way too late.

a.) People often find that when they try to turn their passions into paying work, it ruins their love for the hobby

b.) you probably make a lot more money as an attorney which affords you nice things that you wouldn't have as a caterer or chef, such as vacations. It's a really hard industry to make an UMC living from.

This is just sad to read. I would never ever say this to a child. Getting to a "UMC living" through a corporate soul crushing job might be worth to some, some even forget that life outside of work exists. Those mediocre engineers, analysts, attorneys, that went into the field purely to earn a living are often miserable.

Tons of cooks are miserable too - and they are poor, sick and overworked to boot. Better to be miserable while comfortable financially. Better still is understanding that expecting your job to deliver the magic pill of "happiness" is silly.

Life outside of work? You think a guy who works six days a week from 11 am to 2 am with a chronic backache and no sick days has a life? More of a life than an attorney who never lifts anything than a file folder, has health insurance, and goes home at 7 or 8 pm? Dumb.