Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, thank you everybody. What a wide range of responses. I appreciate them, especially the positive ones. I've been thinking about the statement that I'm not good with money. Originally, I took that to mean that I was spending too much or being irresponsible. But now, after reading about different sort of accounts, tax issues, etc, I see that I have a lot to learn. I know enough to have a finanancial advisor to manage my retirement options and accounts that I started long ago for college. Thats the extent of my financial knowledge. I put my trust in the professional.

I don't blow money on purses and shoes as someone said. I don't spend frivolously--although no judgement on those who love nice accessories, etc. I think that we could use what we bring home to pay off the $5k. That isn't something that's accumulating. I meant on average we will havevabout $5k on our
cards.

I don't think my dh is thinking of leaving. There's no evidence of that, at least. I think this has been a hobby of his and it's an account he has slowly built up over the years. I don't feel he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I think he was being selfish and he wanted to keep it to himself. He's not one to buy expensive things. He just likes to see the account grow.

I know "selfish" is a strong way to describe someone so I don't use that lightly. While my kids were little, I was a SAHM for a couple years. We didn't have as much income bc I wasn't earning a paycheck. During this time, we had more debt. We bought a house at the height of the real estate bubble, etc. so we had higher bills (we have since refinanced). Anyway, my grandmother passed and left me an inheritance of about $30K. Instead of keeping that for just myself, I paid off our debt. It didn't occur to me to not spend it on us. Maybe that was fiscally unwise, but it didn't feel right to have that and not share with him.

Anyway, thank you again for weighing in. You've given me a lot to think about.

These two statements are inconsistent with each other. Having actively managed accounts is a frivolous expense. Take a few hours or a day and read the Bogleheads wiki and manage these yourself. You are literally throwing away thousands of dollars on fees with actively managed funds.

So, everyone who uses a financial advisor is using money frivolously?? That makes no sense.

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that you want your name added to the account.

immediately.

update your wills too.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, thank you everybody. What a wide range of responses. I appreciate them, especially the positive ones. I've been thinking about the statement that I'm not good with money. Originally, I took that to mean that I was spending too much or being irresponsible. But now, after reading about different sort of accounts, tax issues, etc, I see that I have a lot to learn. I know enough to have a finanancial advisor to manage my retirement options and accounts that I started long ago for college. Thats the extent of my financial knowledge. I put my trust in the professional.

I don't blow money on purses and shoes as someone said. I don't spend frivolously--although no judgement on those who love nice accessories, etc. I think that we could use what we bring home to pay off the $5k. That isn't something that's accumulating. I meant on average we will havevabout $5k on our
cards.

I don't think my dh is thinking of leaving. There's no evidence of that, at least. I think this has been a hobby of his and it's an account he has slowly built up over the years. I don't feel he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I think he was being selfish and he wanted to keep it to himself. He's not one to buy expensive things. He just likes to see the account grow.

I know "selfish" is a strong way to describe someone so I don't use that lightly. While my kids were little, I was a SAHM for a couple years. We didn't have as much income bc I wasn't earning a paycheck. During this time, we had more debt. We bought a house at the height of the real estate bubble, etc. so we had higher bills (we have since refinanced). Anyway, my grandmother passed and left me an inheritance of about $30K. Instead of keeping that for just myself, I paid off our debt. It didn't occur to me to not spend it on us. Maybe that was fiscally unwise, but it didn't feel right to have that and not share with him.

Anyway, thank you again for weighing in. You've given me a lot to think about.

These two statements are inconsistent with each other. Having actively managed accounts is a frivolous expense. Take a few hours or a day and read the Bogleheads wiki and manage these yourself. You are literally throwing away thousands of dollars on fees with actively managed funds.

You threw your $30K inheritance into the kitty, as you do with your salary, while he hid $300K in his own secret account. You two have totally different attitudes about how you see and share your assets. Barring the secrecy, which is not right, each of your ways is valid, and you need to reach an understanding and compromise so you both feel okay with the set-up.

I think each of you should have your own account and then the joint household account. It should all be transparent. It might take a financial counselor to sort out how to redistribute assets so that you start out with something in your account and you both feel it's fair how money gets allocated each month.

I don't understand why everyone is assuming the husband is good with money. The vast majority of professionals pick stocks that perform worse than an index fund, so more likely that not he's done worse. Also, he may be lossing money. Op doesn't know what he's been putting into the account to get to 300k.

He lied to his wife. He made investment decisions without her.

Yeah OP, you should have kept your inheritance separate. I'd be furious if you was you. He's treating you like a child.

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible first world problem! You wake up to find that you have $300,000. It sounds like your DH is fiscally conservative and doesn't have complete confidence that you are too. $220,000 a year is a good level of income and your DH must be putting aside a good amount every month to build that up. Sit down with him and figure out a budget that allows that level of savings to be maintained or increased and stick with it. Pay off the credit card as interest costs are obscene. Consider a debit card instead. My DW is very budget conscious and I've always socked a lot away in deferred comp, 401k's etc for college expenses and retirement. She knows I'm doing it but I doubt she knows how much is in those accounts. I'm not hiding it, she just hasn't asked and while she pays all the bills I manage all of our investments. I believe she has a good feel for our total net worth and if she wanted a complete accounting I'd have no problem sharing it with her. Net, you two need to find a way to trust each other.

It was not about the money. OP worried about be him being secret.

What a terrible first world problem! You wake up to find that you have $300,000. It sounds like your DH is fiscally conservative and doesn't have complete confidence that you are too. $220,000 a year is a good level of income and your DH must be putting aside a good amount every month to build that up. Sit down with him and figure out a budget that allows that level of savings to be maintained or increased and stick with it. Pay off the credit card as interest costs are obscene. Consider a debit card instead. My DW is very budget conscious and I've always socked a lot away in deferred comp, 401k's etc for college expenses and retirement. She knows I'm doing it but I doubt she knows how much is in those accounts. I'm not hiding it, she just hasn't asked and while she pays all the bills I manage all of our investments. I believe she has a good feel for our total net worth and if she wanted a complete accounting I'd have no problem sharing it with her. Net, you two need to find a way to trust each other.

As long as he isn't using it for secret expenses start think if this as good news, make clear secret accounts are not ok going into the future and see a fee in my planner once or twice together. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Wow, thank you everybody. What a wide range of responses. I appreciate them, especially the positive ones. I've been thinking about the statement that I'm not good with money. Originally, I took that to mean that I was spending too much or being irresponsible. But now, after reading about different sort of accounts, tax issues, etc, I see that I have a lot to learn. I know enough to have a finanancial advisor to manage my retirement options and accounts that I started long ago for college. Thats the extent of my financial knowledge. I put my trust in the professional.

I don't blow money on purses and shoes as someone said. I don't spend frivolously--although no judgement on those who love nice accessories, etc. I think that we could use what we bring home to pay off the $5k. That isn't something that's accumulating. I meant on average we will havevabout $5k on our
cards.

I don't think my dh is thinking of leaving. There's no evidence of that, at least. I think this has been a hobby of his and it's an account he has slowly built up over the years. I don't feel he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I think he was being selfish and he wanted to keep it to himself. He's not one to buy expensive things. He just likes to see the account grow.

I know "selfish" is a strong way to describe someone so I don't use that lightly. While my kids were little, I was a SAHM for a couple years. We didn't have as much income bc I wasn't earning a paycheck. During this time, we had more debt. We bought a house at the height of the real estate bubble, etc. so we had higher bills (we have since refinanced). Anyway, my grandmother passed and left me an inheritance of about $30K. Instead of keeping that for just myself, I paid off our debt. It didn't occur to me to not spend it on us. Maybe that was fiscally unwise, but it didn't feel right to have that and not share with him.

Anyway, thank you again for weighing in. You've given me a lot to think about.

See bolded. Any particular reason why you didn't see the financial professional together?

If you are jointly saving for things like college, it defeats the point of financial planning if your spouse was not involved. Also this account would have come out when you saw the professional planner assuming DH was with you.

Wow, thank you everybody. What a wide range of responses. I appreciate them, especially the positive ones. I've been thinking about the statement that I'm not good with money. Originally, I took that to mean that I was spending too much or being irresponsible. But now, after reading about different sort of accounts, tax issues, etc, I see that I have a lot to learn. I know enough to have a finanancial advisor to manage my retirement options and accounts that I started long ago for college. Thats the extent of my financial knowledge. I put my trust in the professional.

I don't blow money on purses and shoes as someone said. I don't spend frivolously--although no judgement on those who love nice accessories, etc. I think that we could use what we bring home to pay off the $5k. That isn't something that's accumulating. I meant on average we will havevabout $5k on our
cards.

I don't think my dh is thinking of leaving. There's no evidence of that, at least. I think this has been a hobby of his and it's an account he has slowly built up over the years. I don't feel he is trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I think he was being selfish and he wanted to keep it to himself. He's not one to buy expensive things. He just likes to see the account grow.

I know "selfish" is a strong way to describe someone so I don't use that lightly. While my kids were little, I was a SAHM for a couple years. We didn't have as much income bc I wasn't earning a paycheck. During this time, we had more debt. We bought a house at the height of the real estate bubble, etc. so we had higher bills (we have since refinanced). Anyway, my grandmother passed and left me an inheritance of about $30K. Instead of keeping that for just myself, I paid off our debt. It didn't occur to me to not spend it on us. Maybe that was fiscally unwise, but it didn't feel right to have that and not share with him.

Anyway, thank you again for weighing in. You've given me a lot to think about.

Anonymous wrote:How much of that 300,000 is capital gains?

I bought $1,000 worth of Amazon stock in 1999 (right around when OP was married), it is worth $50,000 today.

I'm in a similar situation where I saved $100 a month for the first decade of my marriage and put it in a brokerage account. It is now worth quite a lot.

You don't pay tax till you sell the stocks.

If OP's DH is someone who has invested pocket change in the market over two decades and it has grown up to a nest egg, it is worth celebrating. A lot of people on here are projecting their own issues. By the way OP based on her own statements about spending and calling a brokerage account, a "bank account" would be a good candidate for some financial advice either from her DH or an independent advisor.

Good point on capital gains. OP, be careful, the 300,000 is the pre-tax number. If this is something that has been built up over years, you might have to pay almost a third of it in taxes before you can access the money.

Anonymous wrote:How much of that 300,000 is capital gains?

I bought $1,000 worth of Amazon stock in 1999 (right around when OP was married), it is worth $50,000 today.

I'm in a similar situation where I saved $100 a month for the first decade of my marriage and put it in a brokerage account. It is now worth quite a lot.

You don't pay tax till you sell the stocks.

If OP's DH is someone who has invested pocket change in the market over two decades and it has grown up to a nest egg, it is worth celebrating. A lot of people on here are projecting their own issues. By the way OP based on her own statements about spending and calling a brokerage account, a "bank account" would be a good candidate for some financial advice either from her DH or an independent advisor.

+1 Give that man a kiss!

Anonymous wrote:Don't let DCUM get under your skin on this - people will do a lot of projecting here and you're going to get responses that don't accurately reflect your situation. If he's been doing this your whole marriage, so 20 years, then it's probably not been a ton of money each month. If he's had an interest in stock research since he was a teen, then this is probably "hobby money" in his mind. I get why you're upset, I would be too, but when you dig into it, the reality may not be all that awful. Stocks have had a huge run up recently - if that's 20 years of investing it didn't have to be a ton of money monthly.

I will say that if you were reviewing your tax returns you would have seen this though. There would have been a 1099 and reported income and such. I think you can take this as a warning shot that you need to be more involved in your joint financial life. In your shoes I'd consider taking him with you to a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. He talks slot about debt, but also more comprehensive ideas about your family finances that could be helpful to you guys.

+1 to all of this and especially the bolded part.

How much of that 300,000 is capital gains?

I bought $1,000 worth of Amazon stock in 1999 (right around when OP was married), it is worth $50,000 today.

I'm in a similar situation where I saved $100 a month for the first decade of my marriage and put it in a brokerage account. It is now worth quite a lot.

You don't pay tax till you sell the stocks.

If OP's DH is someone who has invested pocket change in the market over two decades and it has grown up to a nest egg, it is worth celebrating. A lot of people on here are projecting their own issues. By the way OP based on her own statements about spending and calling a brokerage account, a "bank account" would be a good candidate for some financial advice either from her DH or an independent advisor.

Anonymous wrote:The double standard here is hilarious

It's one thing to have a small cushion in case you need to be prepped for divorce.

$300k? That's hiding assets from your spouse. That's the value of a freaking condo for goodness sakes.