OP, judging by your description of your marriage, I would be very very cautious about the upswing you describe. He may be lulling you into believing all is good.... just be vigilant! Controlling people don't change much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We've been on an upswing and I'm doubting the benefits of divorcing. Logistically, financially, emotionally, etc. The kids love their dad *so much*. It's a tough situation to be in. Thanks for the perspectives.

OP, I'm with you. Glad you are on an upswing. You can make this work, you can fall in love again, you can be the best parent possible. I totally would be fine if I was single ... but I see how it is better (logistically, financially, emotionally) for all of us if we stay married. It is a challenge to stay married ... but, to quote another thread, it is an accomplishment. And a good one, I think.

I hung in there and it did get better for us. There is a lot of divorce cheerleading out there, but as the adult child of a "good" divorce, I know that it is still really damaging to everyone. My parents' second marriages failed and they are both broke and alone. It is very hard and expensive for me to care for them. Divorce is no guarantee of happiness but it is a guarantee of a lot of hassle. For your own sake, not just the kids, try everything you can. Divorced people put on a good facade (and often believe their own BS) but remember, you don't know what's really going on.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We've been on an upswing and I'm doubting the benefits of divorcing. Logistically, financially, emotionally, etc. The kids love their dad *so much*. It's a tough situation to be in. Thanks for the perspectives.

OP, I'm with you. Glad you are on an upswing. You can make this work, you can fall in love again, you can be the best parent possible. I totally would be fine if I was single ... but I see how it is better (logistically, financially, emotionally) for all of us if we stay married. It is a challenge to stay married ... but, to quote another thread, it is an accomplishment. And a good one, I think.

OP here. We've been on an upswing and I'm doubting the benefits of divorcing. Logistically, financially, emotionally, etc. The kids love their dad *so much*. It's a tough situation to be in. Thanks for the perspectives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

The specific problem a lot of people have is: by and large spouse is reliable and decent, is a good parent, and has a good income... but the sex sucks or is non-existent. What then? Accept a life of no sex or crappy sex "for the children"?

It is hard not to "ruminate" about that particular "one thing" (sex) when it's missing.

Go on www.steptalk.org This will give you a accurate picture of 2nd marriages with dysfunctional blended families. You think you have problems now.

Luckily, real life in NW DC, CC, and Bethesda are not like step talk.org, which looks like the Jerry Springer of anonymous websites. Two of my favorite people have remarried after divorce, and their children are THRIVING. Amazing grades, great athletes, kind, friendly well-adjusted kids with lots of friends. Sometimes my kids are jealous of them.

All miserably married people hate to see a happy divorced person. Even worse, a happily married/remarried/blended family. But in this high-achieving, hard-working, privileged area, they are all over the place. And some of them are VERY happy.

I'm glad for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

The specific problem a lot of people have is: by and large spouse is reliable and decent, is a good parent, and has a good income... but the sex sucks or is non-existent. What then? Accept a life of no sex or crappy sex "for the children"?

It is hard not to "ruminate" about that particular "one thing" (sex) when it's missing.

Go on www.steptalk.org This will give you a accurate picture of 2nd marriages with dysfunctional blended families. You think you have problems now.

Staying together

My parents stayed for us and it was horrible.