A man who has an ivy undergrad, and masters, and is an attorney making low six figures, and is presumably reasonably attractive, is probably in the 95% percentile of males. But DC women have insane expectations.

I don't understand these threads. As a lawyer, even an ivy educated one, it can be very challenging to find "high status" work. About 5% of all law school graduates work in biglaw, and the next best thing - probably in-house counsel - for the most part only hires those with biglaw experience. So then there is midlaw and truth be told I would not leave a government job for a midlaw opportunity. It's typical for partners at those firms to make <$250k. So I'm not sure what you want, OP. Sorry you're hubby didn't luck into a biglaw job after his 1L year. You're going to have to learn to cope with his measly 160k in government.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP's DH is an AUSA or a DOJ/Main Justice guy, am I right? Sorry but there are guys over there OBSESSED with being on the "right side" and some work really hard for no money compared to what they could make in private practice or even the financial agencies. I'd keep fighting about it - esp since he did agree that he'd go into private practice if necessary. You need to make him realize it's necessary. What about the kids' college? Since you're still in a small apartment, I'm guessing college isn't a huge priority? Is that really ok with him given that he's an ivy undergrad and law grad? Maybe a reason like that lights a fire under him more than home ownership bc lots of guys do see a home as a chore -- i.e. shoveling snow; yard work etc.

That's a recipe for divorce.

If OP's husband works for DOJ/Justice, then it's not like he's not pulling his weight at home. He still likely makes a decent salary -- just not as much as he could make. It's not like the guy is an artist just making ends meet.

If OP pushes him away from work that is satisfying to him for work that ends up being soul-crushing but makes them wealthy, then that seems to me like a recipe either for divorce or an affair.

If one spouse is a fed and the other is also employed and makes at least what the fed makes (and we're talking about a fed attorney, so not someone working in the mail room), they're making decent money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Not OP here. FFS PEOPLE TYPE ON THEIR PHONES.

NP. I never understand why people say that. Can't one type correctly on a phone/ look at what they wrote and correct it?

The idea is this is a casual online forum. Sometimes you just want to post quickly and move on. Sort of like sending texts. Have you ever noticed that when you start editing your texts before sending, you end up just not sending a lot of texts or the conversation starts feeling less like a free-flowing conversation? I think that's why people just read, react, type, post.

Whether or not you agree with that, I think that happens a lot, and it is not, as some DCUMers like to assume, that people don't know how to speak and write English. But they love to use that as kind of a low blow to discredit someone's post.

Don't get me wrong. I can understand the temptation to make fun of some racist or bigoted or selfish person's post b/c of typos or grammatical errors. But I actually think that that ends up being a distraction. If someone posts something that is selfish, racist, sexist, nasty, then criticize the part that is selfish, racist, nasty, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Honestly, while I get what you are saying about having more space to host grandparents and holidays, however I feel like there is a missing piece to your story. I'm guessing like a PP that you are making at least 150-160K combined. If you go on the real estate board or financial board you could probably get targeted advice to optimize the money you make and either places to rent or buy a SFH/townhouse with a reasonable commute. We have friends that purchased homes in Silver Spring, are renting their home in Bethesda, that have moved further out to Gaithersburg, that have opted to move to Prince George's county etc. So unless there is a missing piece of the financial picture, the only thing holding you back from moving out of a small apartment is you, not your DH. No, you aren't going to get everything in terms of commute, space, affordability, and schools but we all compromise on something. If you aren't willing to compromise in commute or space, then you either spend more in rent to be in the close-in more expensive cluster you want or you look for the school that you can live with that might be well rated (7 or 8 on great schools) like Oakland Terrace, or investigate if there is a school the might be a hidden gem in an even more affordable neighborhood.

Six pages deep and OP still hasnt shared their HHI. Probably another one of those we make $250k and feel poor threads.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Oh, so you don't want to have to commute (like 90% of people that live in this area)? Sounds like you're the only one holding yourself back, OP.

This commuter here from Leesburg and my spouse who is also a downtown commuter are now laughing at this nonsense from our 5500 sq ft house. Its an hour and 10 minutes on a bus where people are mostly asleep in the a.m or watching videos on a kindle.

That's awesome for you, but not everyone has the same preferences. I have a 25 min commute from close in ARL I HATE bc in my mind my 10 min walking commute in Manhattan was better. For me to jump from 10 or 25 min to 70 min on a freaking bus would be a dealbreaker.

Sounds like OP's DH is an AUSA or a DOJ/Main Justice guy, am I right? Sorry but there are guys over there OBSESSED with being on the "right side" and some work really hard for no money compared to what they could make in private practice or even the financial agencies. I'd keep fighting about it - esp since he did agree that he'd go into private practice if necessary. You need to make him realize it's necessary. What about the kids' college? Since you're still in a small apartment, I'm guessing college isn't a huge priority? Is that really ok with him given that he's an ivy undergrad and law grad? Maybe a reason like that lights a fire under him more than home ownership bc lots of guys do see a home as a chore -- i.e. shoveling snow; yard work etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the perpectives. Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas.

Oh, so you don't want to have to commute (like 90% of people that live in this area)? Sounds like you're the only one holding yourself back, OP.

This commuter here from Leesburg and my spouse who is also a downtown commuter are now laughing at this nonsense from our 5500 sq ft house. Its an hour and 10 minutes on a bus where people are mostly asleep in the a.m or watching videos on a kindle.

Money isn't everything. My DH is an excellent provider. We agree on everything financially. We save money and still have enough to buy nice clothes, he lets me furnish the home however I want, plan luxury vacations.

But he rarely wants to sleep with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you only have sex when your husband brought you home more money?? Am I reading this right??

There's a reason it's the worlds oldest profession.

This is such a ridiculous, sexist and mysognisic take on this. I earned SIGNIFICANTLY more than he did before he lit a fire under his ass, and I still do. Many marriages, most even, go through times of tension where the sexual attraction is diminished due to conflict. If anything it would have made me feel like more of a prostitute to have sex with someone to whom I was feeling ZERO attraction at the time. I can't force myself to act on something I'm not feeling. But that's me. Feel free to lay back and do your "wifely duty" no matter how much conflict and resentment you feel toward your partner....because that's not like prostitution at all.

You said that sex dried up because you were upset he wasn't bringing more money to the table but was clear from your post you felt that withholding sex was a good motivation to push him to make and provide more money. Your approach to sex is very transactional, and you were in fact the PP to bring up sex at all. You could have just said you were less attracted to him and even considering separation; instead you framed sex as an exchange/reward for more cash. I was just trying to understand if that was the lesson to take from your example.

Have other wives had good results to motivate DH by withholding your 'wifely duties'?

You have a hard time with nuance. The relationship was stressed. Our sex life dried up -- on both sides. I wasn't attracted to him because he was schlepping. On his end, he wasn't exactly begging for sex, because he was feeling emasculated and stuck. Not great for self esteem or attraction on either end. We have made some fundamental changes -- chief of which is him stepping up to pull more weight by getting a new job THAT HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES -- which has made us BOTH feel better about life and the relationship is now coming through a difficult period. It wasn't transactional -- I wasn't "withholding" sex that I otherwise wanted, with the intent to motivate or manipulate him. Sex was one area where the resentment manifested BETWEEN US. I'm sorry this is so hard for you to comprehend, but I'm done with trying to explain it to you.

OP, I don't understand why you can't afford the house?

We are also both government employees, no Ivy. I am a first generation immigrant. We have a custom buid house in VA that is paid off, we own a great condo and looking to buy another property. We put both kids through very good private schools and one now in a good area public high school. I don't understand how is that you cannot afford to buy a house? Are you looking for a house in Adams Morgan or Kalarama?

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you would earn more in DC if you could speak and write English properly ?

Do you know that spotting someone's grammer mistakes is a form of a mental disorder? Goodle it and get a treatment.

Anonymous wrote:DC, NYC, San Fran are great cities. But unless you make insane money, your choices are to either spend your days commuting or live in a small apartment.

We moved to Florida, my DH makes 130k, I stay home, we live very comfortably in a good size house in a great school district and close to his work.

Point being, I think you should look at moving if you want a better lifestyle.

That's just crazy. I've lived in the D.C. area all my life. Started in a tiny 1 BR condo, sold the condo, bought a row house in NW, sold that and bought a small SFH in Bethesda with great schools. But this was over many years compromising on space, fancy cars, and vacations, etc. My husband and I have never made more than $180k combined but we manage fine. So many people want it all right now and get impatient they can't afford the house of their dreams in their 30s.

Anonymous wrote:We are both high achievers. He went to under grad and grad school at ivies but after few years opted for a gov job. I am 7 years younger but out warning him. We have two kids. He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more. Fast forward 10years and we are still in dumpy apartment w two kids. I'm at my max earning potential. He refuses to leave gov job because he gets off on being on the "good side" and not being told what to do. I can't host family or send my kids to the local school, am up to my eyeballs in toys, and feel like total failure. Would leave DC any time but he refuses. I naively thought by the time we were at this point we would have household income that would buy decent house in decent school district. We are no where near that. I guess I'm venting.

It sounds to me that you are more upset that DH is not respecting the fact you are unhappy with your apartment lifestyle and location. I get this, because I used to live in an apartment when DS was born, and still dreamed of a single family home with a backyard and school within walking distance.

Instead of focusing on staying where you are and pushing DH to get a higher earning job, think about how to take into his desire to be on the "good side" with your desire for more space somewhere outside of DC. DH can work for a nonprofit or small business somewhere and you can move somewhere else.