As a DH I didn't ask for 4 and 5, but my DW was thrilled to have them and she more than pulls her weight by flipping houses for a profit, and of course now that they're grown adults I'm completely content with how it's turned out. I think if you can show how you can step up and pay for the added expense, not drop the ball as a mom to your three, and your husband still is pushing back, then I question his rationale for not wanting more bundles of joy.

I was there with 3, physically feeling a desire for 4. Husband had no interest until he did. I probably asked a lot first year but after that truly other than to mention once in a while that I still felt I wanted another I didn't push. Finally he said to me that he wanted one too and 8 years after last, and 3 months before I was 40 had my 4th. We all - kids included - were thrilled

If you were 36 and childless I'd say you had a good 8 years of child baring left in you. But given you have three and your husband wants to leave it there, I think you have to comply or you'll have a horrible marriage.

I always wanted 3. DH would have been happy to stop with 1 but was on board for 3. Once we got to 3, I realized (and was totally surprised to realize) that I wanted one more. DH's initial reaction was that I moved the goalposts. After some time, he was in the "maybe" camp. Now that #3 is STTN, DH has said he would love another in a few years, as long as circumstances are right (finances, balance with the other kids). So we have decided to revisit in a few years. I am lucky that I have time. If he says he's not on board and I still want one, I will come to terms with it, probably grieve it quietly then move on and be grateful and happy for the 3 wonderful kids I have.

I agree that #s matter -- if DH was not on board with a #2 when we had agreed on more than 1, I would have had a really hard time coming to terms with it. But since 4 would be more than I had always imagined, it seems easier for me.

It's not ridiculous, but your husband's wishes are as valid and strong and reasonable as your desires; add to that the risks he may not want to take about health, special needs child, finances, whatever which should be respected. I think if the argument was 1 vs 2 children, I would be on the fence but after 3, I think its reaonsable to say ...enough.

fwiw, I have friends with 4 kids. Going from 3 to 4 was hard on the oldest one, who rarely gets attention because she is self-sufficient, and the youngest, who didn't get to have the baby stage for long. Mom is happy, but it has been hardest on the dad, who in this case is the sole breadwinner. 4 kids meant: selling the car for a mini van, meant traveling anywhere is 6 plane tickets, meant an uptick in EVERYONE getting sick, meant that putting 4 kids to bed left very little time for adult conversation and bonding. Its also very hard for him to deal with all 4 kids on his own, which means that either she never exercises, goes out with friends, etc, or they get a sitter (hard on their income) or he is frantic at work and then frantic at home. Everyone is different, but I can imagine in this scenario the husband feels completely left out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also - what specific reasons has he given for not wanting another?

Well our youngest is 4.5. She can dress herself now, feed herself, she's obviously potty trained, she STTN. We like to travel and that's much easier now. We can go out to eat and it's easy. We can sleep in a bit on the weekends because they entertain each other in the mornings, so that's nice. I concede that all of that is true and it IS nice. I understand where he's coming from with that.

However, like I tell him, it's really only two years that things are hard. Two years in the grand scheme of a long life is nothing. We'll be back here again before he knows it. It's a very short term sacrifice for long term gain.

OP, I do feel for you, but you are not listening to your DH's concerns at all.

Also, you're saying you want another child because you're not done with the baby stage, but you're telling DH that it's only two years. So, which is it - you want more time in the baby stage, or the baby stage is a blip?

If I were your partner, I'd be afraid that agreeing to have a 4th would turn into "I need a 5th!" in two years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 1 of 4 and wish my parents didn't have this many. Fun and cute when little - but now all 4 of us are dealing with life problems and it is stressing out my parents because they want to help, and can't because they can only help 1, not 4.

And to the person who thinks it is a gift to have a big family - speak for yourself, it an be very painful, too.

Anecdotally it can go either way.

I'm an only child and wish that I had siblings especially as an adult. It sounds like you had a fun childhood with your siblings, I was very lonely growing up, especially since we moved frequently so I don't even have an attachment to a hometown. Now that I'm an adult, I also have the added pressure of being the only one who will deal with my parents' health care and end of life decisions. My DH has siblings and it's a completely different dynamic with his side of the family. His brothers are there for support in difficult times and it makes a world of difference. With my parents, everything is on me. No help. No support. Just me. Alone. It sucks.

Oh geez. Get a grip. I have 2 siblings and I was the only one to support and care for my parents. yes, it's hard, but having 2 other decision makers complicated matters, especially when their ideas for care were appalling. I ad to take matters in =to my own hands and wouldn't have it any other way. And - growing up, I also felt lonely. No one can escape these feelings.
My husband has one sibling and they are not even speaking to each other because of the way end of life care was handled for their parent. If you could be on the same page as everyone else, it could be a godsend to have extra support, but if you aren't, it adds so much more to an already stressful situation.

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted 4 kids. When my husband and I talked marriage, he said he wanted 2. So we decided that fate would take its course and we'd see how it went. We ended up with 3 children, with my 3rd being born when I was 40.

I've always lamented not having that 4th kid, even though it wasn't feasible for us, and never came up as an issue. And I'm well past child-bearing age now. But I sometimes miss that 4th child being there to even things out. It's kind of like when people tell you not to have playdates with 3 kids because one kid always feels left out. I feel the same way. 4 kids just seemed right to me. Nothing to do with wanting to stay home longer or extending babyhood.

In my "perfect" life, I would have had 4. Three is darn close, and I am thankful everyday. But I just wanted to add a perspective that while 1, 2, or 3 may feel right for some families, there are some of those out there who crave 4 without ulterior motives.

+1

16:14 here. Not saying they OP should have a 4th if husband isn't on board. Mainly responding to those who are accusing OP of wanting a 4th because she doesn't want to go back to work or just always wants babies. That's not always the case.

Anonymous wrote:Um the gain of another person to love? Another person to round out our family who will be our children's sibling for the rest of their lives? I don't look at it in financial terms, I think that is silly. I don't look at our existing children and add up what they cost us.

I'm not postponing returning to work. That has nothing to do with this. It's a separate issue but he doesn't really want me to work anyway (work travel).

But what you are doing is postponing when he can retire. Maybe if you commit to going back to work and fully supporting you two and your youngest child through her middle and high school years so that he has the option to retire when she leaves grade school. Tell him that you'll support the family so that he can retire on his own schedule and that in your youngest's middle and high school years, you'll do what it takes to allow him more freedom to pursue other activities.

You are completely discounting the fact that he wants to be done with dependent parenting in 12 years and not 18. I think the only realistic way to convince him otherwise, is if you make the commitment now that you will assume the financial and parental responsibilities for a new child after the 3rd goes to college. That may mean you have to work and juggle work and errands and shutting the child to after school commitments, etc largely on your own. Because that time is what you're trying to take away from him. How will you feel when you are working full time, doing all the household errands, shuttling your child around and he is retired and playing golf or going out of town with the guys or taking up a new hobby? That's the type of commitment you need to make to convince him. Otherwise, you are just putting your own wants ahead of his. This is why most people say that the No always beats the Yes vote. Because you don't get to commit another person to the extra years and work of raising a child. And despite your hand waiving, there is still a lot of parenting that goes on from ages 4.5 to 17.

I always wanted 4 kids. When my husband and I talked marriage, he said he wanted 2. So we decided that fate would take its course and we'd see how it went. We ended up with 3 children, with my 3rd being born when I was 40.

I've always lamented not having that 4th kid, even though it wasn't feasible for us, and never came up as an issue. And I'm well past child-bearing age now. But I sometimes miss that 4th child being there to even things out. It's kind of like when people tell you not to have playdates with 3 kids because one kid always feels left out. I feel the same way. 4 kids just seemed right to me. Nothing to do with wanting to stay home longer or extending babyhood.

In my "perfect" life, I would have had 4. Three is darn close, and I am thankful everyday. But I just wanted to add a perspective that while 1, 2, or 3 may feel right for some families, there are some of those out there who crave 4 without ulterior motives.

I have 4. I would probably keep having them if I could. I love having a big family.

But, I am also done. I just had to decide that the time, money, attention, and, frankly, my desire to have a life of my own, too, meant that it was time to stop.

My DH loves kids, too, and was never going to pull the plug either (he's getting snipped Friday). We finally realized we couldn't have everything (5, 6, 7 kids and, and, and), and we're in our 40s, and if we wanted life after kids (which we do), it was time to be done.

I think your DH knows it's not just one more kid. Some people never feel complete, and chasing that feeling is a mistake. If he is done, you need to really think about what it would take for you to feel done, and get thee to a therapist to get there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 1 of 4 and wish my parents didn't have this many. Fun and cute when little - but now all 4 of us are dealing with life problems and it is stressing out my parents because they want to help, and can't because they can only help 1, not 4.

And to the person who thinks it is a gift to have a big family - speak for yourself, it an be very painful, too.

Anecdotally it can go either way.

I'm an only child and wish that I had siblings especially as an adult. It sounds like you had a fun childhood with your siblings, I was very lonely growing up, especially since we moved frequently so I don't even have an attachment to a hometown. Now that I'm an adult, I also have the added pressure of being the only one who will deal with my parents' health care and end of life decisions. My DH has siblings and it's a completely different dynamic with his side of the family. His brothers are there for support in difficult times and it makes a world of difference. With my parents, everything is on me. No help. No support. Just me. Alone. It sucks.

Different PP than you are responding to.

Your anecdotal point doesn't address OP's issue. This would apply if OP were trying to have a second child to go with one child. But OP is talkinig about having a 4th child. Her children already have siblings, and no longer have to deal with the issues of loneliness from being an only child or the concern that they will be the only one dealing with aging parents (although there are many families with multiple siblings where only one sibling has to deal with elder care issues).

OP, you're probably a lovely person IRL but you do some a bit sound a bit deranged on this thread. To have another child simply because you're "not ready" to be done with being a mother to very young children is... well, it sounds warped. And narcissistic.

And your later point that you'll go back to work at some point "on my terms" and "I can take my time" -- sounds like you're not terribly realistic about balancing a career and motherhood.

Babies are awesome. I'm very lucky that I had two of them. I feel even more lucky to get to know them as they grow up. I can assure you that it sucks to have a spouse who resents the demands of an additional child. Stop obsessing over a phase and be thankful to fate that you are lucky enough to have 3 children, a husband who is a devoted dad, and enough money not to worry. That is like winning the lottery, and life pretty much never stays that way forever.

Anonymous wrote:I think that the wishes of the person who doesn't want another child should trump the wishes of the person who already has three. I can't explain why, but it just seems like if one of you doesn't want another child, that should be the end of it. He might change his mind.

I can explain why. HE is the one financially supporting all of them, putting them through college, putting off HIS retirement, etc. Yeah, his no trumps the void she feels in her soul.