Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Wow, lots more responses when I had just presumed it would be a relatively short thread.

OK so here's where I am.

I appreciate all the posts on why it's great to travel and how much I would be missing out on, etc. I actually get that. I am grateful for travel experiences I've had in my life (and outside of the trips I mentioned with my kids I forgot to say I've also been to both soviet and post-soviet Russia, Australia and South Africa (for a wedding), pre-kids). So I don't feel I am missing out. And even if others think I am missing out, how am I harming your day by just wanting to stay home?

For those who think I'm closeting myself with all the pets, I freely admit it. I love animals and couldn't have any pets growing up. You can absolutely bet that the moment we closed on a house, I was right there at the shelter. I'm not at Lisa Vanderpump level with swans or anything but I love my pets and when I travel I worry about them. It's just another anxiety.

I've lived a productive life until now, but my basic question is doing something contrary to what my daughter wants, not asking for dcurbanmom to solve my travel anxiety. I have travel anxiety. I have traveled in my life anyway. I just don't want to go to India.

With regard to grandchildren, that's different. I would absolutely overcome my discomfort zone for that situation. But right now, i just get a headache trying to figure out a trip to India with a senior (her younger brother) applying to college and having to do all those visits to his acceptances in the short term and it's just too much damned traveling right now. It's a lot of things wrapped up together.

I think you are all right that I should just frame it in terms of all the issues - it's not the right time, too much to do here, it's not a time I want to travel so far away and I might even ruin your experience and damage our relationship if I don't have all the right reactions you expect.

In any event, getting therapy now is not going to change me in a few months.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Yeah I think that's why everyone is saying that she needs to go. She sounds depressed. 60 is just entering the last 1/3 of her life, there's still so many more great years to go. If my mom told me that, I would want her to seek counseling.

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.

Not every parent lives in an area where "adult children" can grow a career beyond waiting tables at Denny's.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

I think this is 100% correct OP. I also think you are wise to know that it isn't going to work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.