I know people that talked about it pre marriage. The husband told her he wouldn't want to know if she cheated so long as it stopped. The wife to be told him that she would only divorce him if one of their kids died because she didn't think she could handle recovering from that.

12 years later he holds firm on the cheating stance. She's now thinking maybe their marriage could survive a child dying.

To each their own?

My friend's husband had an affair and she found a few text messages. She did not want any other details. At all. She wanted to stay and work on the marriage and felt it would be better to not know every torrid detail.

I agree with pp that having the conversation pre-marriage is good. Acknowledging human nature and its flaws and bringing it in the open and allowable in conversation is good. How many marriages could be saved if the spouse was comfortable talking about initial attractions to others and what that means. I also think ANY deal breakers should be discussed dating or married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know your wife- if she the type who would rather know everything even if it hurts? Or would she rather you keep it to yourself? If she'd rather know and you choose not to tell her, then you are being selfish and betraying her further. If you know she would rather not hear about some one time indiscretion, then respect that and don't tell her.

Agree with this. Before we got married, DH and I talked about whether we would want to know if the other cheated. I know that he would want to know so were I ever to cheat, I would tell him, regardless of whether it was a one time f*ck up or a long term thing. He knows that I don't want to know if it was a one time f*ck up, that the guilt is his to deal with and to leave me out of it. I only want to know if it's a long term thing, at which point our marriage would be over.

It really depends on your wife, OP. As you can see, there are cheated on partners on both sides of this, some want to know, some don't.

That is a weird premarriage conversation

Really? Don't most couples talk about this "what if" at some point? Cheating is more likely to happen than not, at some point, statistically. My spouse and I had the conversations, we both said we prefer not to know. Actually, my words to my spouse were clear that if they cheat, they better be smart enough not to get caught and don't embarrass me. The thought of my spouse having sex with someone isn't paralyzing so much as dealing with the gossipers, and of course the potential of screwing up children in a divorce.

I think it's safe to say that MOST couples do not discuss and make plans around what they will do if and when their partner cheats.

Not PP, but I think it's an excellent pre-marriage conversation, and one that more couples ought to have. People don't address all types of things pre-marriage, but that doesn't mean it's good. I've had that conversation and other similar ones even with boyfriends. It's a way of getting to know and making myself known to someone, and that's pretty important to do before signing up for a lifetime partnership.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go tell your therapist. Therapists are paid to listen to your problems. And work with the therapist on the reasons why you did it, and to eliminate your personal weakness.

.

No time to read all replies above but OP, you need solo therapy to dig into WHY you were weak and how to develop strength not to cheat (or do other selfish things that would damage the marriage you do want to keep and nurture). Therapy, now, ongoing. A good therapist is where you work out whether to tell your wife -- please don't try to work that huge decision out online, based on what random strangers say here.

This is good advice. The question as to whether you should tell her can be explored in therapy.

I have experience as a DW, not told but discovered it with two different husbands. My personal opinion is that it is better not to tell. It was terribly painful to discover it the first time but hearing it directly would also have hurt immensely-- I would have been far happier not knowing at all.

Anonymous wrote:I assume I am in the majority when I detail these facts: cheated, was never caught, never told spouse, don't really feel that guilty about it. Rarely think about it, I have moved on.

I mention this because of all these posts that cry: "you will look at your poor wife differently every morning over breakfast..." WTF? Seriously? I mean, I think to cheat in the first place you have to recognize the difference between AP lust and marital love. And compartmentalization.

Point being, of course you don't tell, OP. Shut your mouth, in a few years time, your AP will be a faded memory, no different than that girl you dated for a few months back in college (what was her name again?)

+1. Get over it and move on. Don't cheat again. Telling just creates more drama. Don't over complicate things. Stop cheating and don't cheat again. End of story.

The title of this thread says it all -"is it selfish to tell DW about an affair?" Yes, it is all about you and your feelings.

Most don't

No. Most dvr. Speaks volumes that you did.

Not sure I buy it (non-cheater here). It seems to me that what will happen if this is all kept to himself is that the initial nauseous, guilty feelings will fade in time. If DW doesn't know she will continue to act the same as before so won't that just lead OP to the realization that the whole cheating thing is ok when nobody knows about it and things will continue on normally? It seems to me he will just keep doing it and it will just get easier with time. Why not do it if it results in excitement and sexual gratification for him and he still maintains the same life at home?

Anonymous wrote:Go tell your therapist. Therapists are paid to listen to your problems. And work with the therapist on the reasons why you did it, and to eliminate your personal weakness.

.

No time to read all replies above but OP, you need solo therapy to dig into WHY you were weak and how to develop strength not to cheat (or do other selfish things that would damage the marriage you do want to keep and nurture). Therapy, now, ongoing. A good therapist is where you work out whether to tell your wife -- please don't try to work that huge decision out online, based on what random strangers say here.

Anonymous wrote:I assume I am in the majority when I detail these facts: cheated, was never caught, never told spouse, don't really feel that guilty about it. Rarely think about it, I have moved on.

I mention this because of all these posts that cry: "you will look at your poor wife differently every morning over breakfast..." WTF? Seriously? I mean, I think to cheat in the first place you have to recognize the difference between AP lust and marital love. And compartmentalization.

Point being, of course you don't tell, OP. Shut your mouth, in a few years time, your AP will be a faded memory, no different than that girl you dated for a few months back in college (what was her name again?)

Was your affair an ONS? Or did it last for some time (like a few months or more than a few times screwing?).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know your wife- if she the type who would rather know everything even if it hurts? Or would she rather you keep it to yourself? If she'd rather know and you choose not to tell her, then you are being selfish and betraying her further. If you know she would rather not hear about some one time indiscretion, then respect that and don't tell her.

Agree with this. Before we got married, DH and I talked about whether we would want to know if the other cheated. I know that he would want to know so were I ever to cheat, I would tell him, regardless of whether it was a one time f*ck up or a long term thing. He knows that I don't want to know if it was a one time f*ck up, that the guilt is his to deal with and to leave me out of it. I only want to know if it's a long term thing, at which point our marriage would be over.

It really depends on your wife, OP. As you can see, there are cheated on partners on both sides of this, some want to know, some don't.

That is a weird premarriage conversation

Really? Don't most couples talk about this "what if" at some point? Cheating is more likely to happen than not, at some point, statistically. My spouse and I had the conversations, we both said we prefer not to know. Actually, my words to my spouse were clear that if they cheat, they better be smart enough not to get caught and don't embarrass me. The thought of my spouse having sex with someone isn't paralyzing so much as dealing with the gossipers, and of course the potential of screwing up children in a divorce.

I think it's safe to say that MOST couples do not discuss and make plans around what they will do if and when their partner cheats.