Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 15:15     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:I have felt so much mom guilt over the years. Going back to work after maternity leave. Working late and missing putting the baby to sleep. Not having enough milk supply to get to one year. Missing certain preschool events during the middle of the work day. Not going on every field trip. All this guilt made me decide to become a SAHM after I had my second child. For the past few years, I have given my whole self to my two children. Currently 9 months pregnant and will give birth to our third child next month.

Spring break is coming up and I really want to go away somewhere tropical. I want to leave our 2-3 month old in care of grandparents. I want to be able to go away for 3-5 days and not feel guilty. I know some moms have to go back to work when child is this age. I will be dedicating the majority of my time to this baby for the next few years. I don't know if it is because it is my third child but I am not overly dedicated to breastfeeding. I have known many women who stopped or mixed formula early on whether it was lack of supply, needing to go to work or straight up just not wanting to breastfeed.

Please tell me it will be ok to leave a 2-3 month old in care with loving grandparents for a few days.


For the past few years, I have given my whole self to my two children. Currently 9 months pregnant and will give birth to our third child next month.

Yes, this is what being a parent to young children and babies involves. This is not unique to you. It is what you signed up to when you chose to have children.

I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine leaving a newborn baby (and a 2-3 month old is a newborn baby) to go away on vacation. Cannot fathom it.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 15:04     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is your husband a teacher where spring break is his only opportunity until late June?

If he is not a teacher, then I would time it sometime in May or early June before your kids get out of school.

That way, you will not have to deal with drunk college kids tearing up everything around.

At least some of your kids will be in school for part of the day, giving the grandparents a little bit of a break. Caring for a newborn and two other kids around the clock without a break is very difficult, especially for older grandparents who have not parented in many years.

Also, your baby will be older, closer to 5 or 6 months, which is the golden age for newborns. This will make things much easier for the baby and much easier for the grandparents.

Just plan for the trip to be later than spring break.



DH is not a teacher. Our kids are the ones tied to school schedules.


Then why are you taking your trip during spring break?

Do it later while the big kids are in school, maybe when baby is 5 months.

That will be easier on everyone, including the baby but especially the grandparents who will be managing 3 kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 14:55     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
OP I am sorry everyone is piling on you. Personally I think if you want to go then you should go. I am more concerned that you sounds depressed and totally not into having a third kid. Was this something DH wanted? your other kids are already in elem school so it does kind of make me wonder why the need to for a third baby who will be 5 or 6 years younger than the other two? Are you feeling unsure of yourself as a SAHM with kids in school? My DH used to treat me to a night ALONE at the Ritz and spa treatments as well when I felt overwhelmed. It was awesome. maybe try a one night away trip at 2-3 months.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 14:48     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you having a third baby? It sounds as though raising two kids has been difficult enough. I'm honestly not trying to be snarky when I ask, but you sound done already. Personally, I would not leave a baby at that age for 100 different reasons. But if you feel the absolute need to get away, then perhaps you should do it - and also consider talking about these feelings with your doctor. You could be depressed, which is a condition not solved merely by a vacation.


I was just looking up prepartum depression. I am so over this pregnancy. Throwing up multiple times daily for 9 months has been absolutely awful. Everyday I feel more and more uncomfortable. When people complain of a stomach bug or flu, I almost feel angry because I feel worse daily than the worst sickness I felt prior to being pregnant with this baby. I can't wait for this baby to be out of me. I have never experienced depression before. I don't know if I am actually depressed or just sick of being sick all the time. I hope for the baby's sake that once she is born, I will bond with her and not feel this way. As of now, I don't feel much attachment. I just want pregnancy to be over with.


OP, I'm the PP and, in reading your response, I urge you to please call your OB today and share everything you've posted here. Wanting to get away is understandable, but there is possibly more going on here. Before you plan any time away, you should get a handle on what's going on. Please do this for yourself. It will help more than any tropical trip ever could. There is nothing - nothing - wrong with admitting that you may be depressed and need some help. Best of luck to you. Let us know how you're doing.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 14:44     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Personally, 2-3 mo would be a hard time for me to enjoy being away for all the reasons PPs mentioned. But it's really a personal choice.

The main thing I would say from reading your post is that you should try to address the guilt with a therapist. It's not helping your kids to be coming from a place of guilt, and I would imagine it doesn't help you to be clear on what you really want and need.


I don't feel guilt now that I stay home. I have 100% attendance for kid events and activities. I spend tons of quality time with my children.

I know where my guilt comes from - my parents! Parents are very religious and always tried to make me feel guilty even when I shouldn't have to.

I do feel bad about potentially leaving my young baby but I also know that bringing a small baby to the beach is miserable. one of the worst vacations we ever had was going to the beach with a 3 month old when second was born. We had no gear besides pack n play and a car seat stroller combo. We had to hold baby the entire time and it was like 90 degrees outside. It was hot enough without the baby and then you were just tired and hot holding the baby.


I hear you. At the same time, you do keep saying here that you give up "a lot" for the kids, and it seems like that feeling of constant sacrifice is both wearing you down and making you subconsciously resentful. You know, I think any mom with a relatively new baby will tell you that 2-3 months is a tough time to be away for a week. The fact that you still want it so much sort of makes me feel that it comes from a place of needing to assert your freedom from the needs of this new being and not from it being just a fun thing to do.

My mother gave up her career to stay home with us and we always knew that part of her felt unhappy. I really encourage you to explore these feelings a little more and figure out what would really make YOU happy. You can always choose against it, but right now it seems you're using this ambivalence about work/motherhood to justify little rebellions here and there rather than working it towards a more sustainable longterm balance.


+1
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 14:42     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with others that you sound incredibly selfish. 2-3 months is too young and putting too much on the grandparents. I'd have a different opinion if the baby would be 6 months and older, but 2-3 months just isn't the right time.


totally disagree. at 2-3 months the baby is barely conscious and really has little idea who is taking care of him/her as long as they are loving. If OP is confident in the grandparents caregiving there is absolutely no reason she shouldn't do this.


Oh FFS. The bolded is SO untrue. Freaking newborns can discern the difference between their mothers and other people, and you think a three month old is barely conscious?! SMH.



Let's see. Mother eager to ditch her for a vacay vs. grandparents who will dote on and adore her. Pretty sure the baby will be just fine. Do what you need to do, OP, but I do think that's a lot to ask of the grandparents.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 14:20     Subject: Re:What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
We went out of town for 48 hours when DD was 4 months old for a wedding and I found it very hard because of the constant pumping and I emotionally was not ready to be away from her yet. I was clogged up and worried about getting back and forth to the room to pump, pumped during the wedding etc. It was not relaxing at all honestly and I would not leave a future child before 6-8 months when solids/supplementing were in the mix and I wasn't nursing constantly.

We also went away when she was 10 months and I was basically done nursing by then and it was much better.

I think that the baby will have no idea, but you have to ask if YOU will be ready for it. And if you think you will be, then go for it. The baby will be completely fine.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 14:18     Subject: Re:What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. i'm just thinking of all the overwhelmed SAHMs that I know. Juggling an infant and toddler is not such an easy task. They are dying for a break. I know a mom with a kindergartener, preschooler and baby and she sounds like she is in pure hell. Heck, I know a few moms who are overwhelmed with just one challenging child and complain their DH doesn't help out much.

I'm fortunate that we have both the financial and childcare resources for me to actually be able to go away. I guess no one is in my same boat and the overwhelming consensus is that you should not leave a 3 month old unless you have to go back to work since families may need the mom to work for a variety of reasons.


You do you, OP. The harm to your child (if any) is exactly the same if you go away due to work or due to vacation. The only difference is that people blame the mother differently (and indeed blame the mother for both). YOU decide if it's ok with you!
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 13:46     Subject: Re:What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. i'm just thinking of all the overwhelmed SAHMs that I know. Juggling an infant and toddler is not such an easy task. They are dying for a break. I know a mom with a kindergartener, preschooler and baby and she sounds like she is in pure hell. Heck, I know a few moms who are overwhelmed with just one challenging child and complain their DH doesn't help out much.

I'm fortunate that we have both the financial and childcare resources for me to actually be able to go away. I guess no one is in my same boat and the overwhelming consensus is that you should not leave a 3 month old unless you have to go back to work since families may need the mom to work for a variety of reasons.


What you mentioned about SAHMs is for me a reason not to SAH. I feel like a better parent when I share the responsibility for my child's care with others, and in our personal case I think it ends up being better care for the child overall (as in less sleep-deprived, more patient, more engaged). BUT I know many other women who feel otherwise and make a different choice. For example, some women don't connect with their work, resent having bosses and deadlines, don't feel it is as meaningful as being with kids and so on.

I think either choice can be healthy as long as it fits you and your family. If I were burnt out like crazy and resented my job I would not be a good employee. If I wanted to take a week long vacation at a very busy time for the office because I hated the job, that probably would mean I should change. It's all about the bigger picture. In your case, you've accepted a particular role and it sounds like you are not totally happy with it. That's all people are saying.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 13:28     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
We can debate daycare and vacations but this is really more nuanced than that. Op is resentdul of motherhood and has decided to martyr herself by saying it's mom guilt. Which is BS because the moms I know with mom guilt are looking to spend more quality time with their kids, not planning to dump them pre-birth. A vacation isn't going to help this OP who evidently feels that her children, the 3 she chose to have, have ruined her life by essentially needing her. For like, living and gestating and al that other horrible stuff she has had to grapple with.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 13:26     Subject: Re:What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
OP here. i'm just thinking of all the overwhelmed SAHMs that I know. Juggling an infant and toddler is not such an easy task. They are dying for a break. I know a mom with a kindergartener, preschooler and baby and she sounds like she is in pure hell. Heck, I know a few moms who are overwhelmed with just one challenging child and complain their DH doesn't help out much.

I'm fortunate that we have both the financial and childcare resources for me to actually be able to go away. I guess no one is in my same boat and the overwhelming consensus is that you should not leave a 3 month old unless you have to go back to work since families may need the mom to work for a variety of reasons.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 13:23     Subject: Re:What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Eh -- a lot of people have to go back to work insanely early, like even 6 weeks. The baby will be fine if your parents are willing to do it. You'll be with her at home for the whole rest of the time.


OP here. When I toured daycares with my first, I saw babies as young as 6 weeks at daycare. I genuinely felt bad and sorry for them. I guess my reasoning was many moms have to go back to work when kids are 3 months so I thought it may be ok to leave our same aged child for a few days for vacation.

We will not be booking anything until baby is born. We will see how things go. DH may book his flights with older kids and see if I and/or baby will also be going.


Oh my goodness... where to start with this.

When you work, it's usually for 8 out of the 24 hours (OK, 9...factor in commute). 9 hrs at a time, five out of seven days of the week, is a very different separation than 168 at one go. A baby 2-3 months old is still in the 4th trimester and most moms find it really hard to take even that 9 hour separation. I'm not talking about the needs of the baby here, but about the symbiosis and where the mother usually is physiologically in that process of separation. Sure, everyone needs a few hours break here and there, but that's very different than taking a week away.

With work, you also have a very different choice to face. Either you go back, or you lose your job and possibly your career, depending on the kind of work you do and how many on/off ramps there are. For moms who have decided that in the big picture it is better overall for their families if they work, it's a hard choice but it must be made.

You're talking about an elective beach vacation. Yes, spring break is coming up. So is summer vacation very shortly thereafter. You don't have one hard choice to make, you have many options, which is why I think you're getting the responses you are. I personally think it sounds like the urgency in your case doesn't come from scheduling so much as a feeling of being overwhelmed, depressed, and resenting your own choice to bring another very dependent being into this world.

I work and have done trips away when baby was 4 months, have another one coming up when baby is 3 months. I don't feel guilty. But the main thing on my mind (since I cannot reschedule these conferences) is how to make my stay as short as possible, even if that means flying in and out the same day or whatever. It's no joke to pump for all that time, to build a stash, etc. I know you said you don't want to be bothered about breastfeeding, and everyone has their reasons. But breastfeeding, among many other things, is also an emotional reminder of how often that baby needs you. Of course it's really hard, we all get that... you just sound so unhappy and it sounds like this vacation is an escape from dealing with your reality, not something that will actually help you address these feelings. Good luck, I hope you get some help for yourself -- happy mother = happy baby.




I am trying to find a solution where I can also go away for a short period of time except it isn't for work. It's still the same time away from the baby. You have to go for a work conference. I want to go away for the same time period. I'm ok with going for shorter duration than DH and older kids.

I used to have a demanding job before I stopped working. I know the feeling of wanting to get home to see my child as much as possible. I don't have that same feeling now that I am home full time. I have the opposite feeling of wanting to get a break as much as possible. I know I won't get much sympathy here but it is the exact same feeling in the opposite if that makes sense to anyone.


Sorry, I thought you were going away for a week. Before 6 months or so, the max I can take personally is 48 hours, and that already feels too long with a baby who nurses at night.

Anyway, go away if you want! People are just talking about the way you've framed the whole thing, and frankly the fact that you are bringing it up like this makes it seem like you are really ambivalent and unsure. Part of you probably feels it is selfish and part of you is arguing with that part. I would encourage you to figure out the root of your ambivalence, which to me and many others here sounds like it has to do with your underlying unhappiness about the "sacrifice" of yourself to motherhood.

Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 13:19     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with others that you sound incredibly selfish. 2-3 months is too young and putting too much on the grandparents. I'd have a different opinion if the baby would be 6 months and older, but 2-3 months just isn't the right time.


totally disagree. at 2-3 months the baby is barely conscious and really has little idea who is taking care of him/her as long as they are loving. If OP is confident in the grandparents caregiving there is absolutely no reason she shouldn't do this.


Oh FFS. The bolded is SO untrue. Freaking newborns can discern the difference between their mothers and other people, and you think a three month old is barely conscious?! SMH.

This favorite DCUM notion that young infants can't tell who takes care of them is such garbage.


Right, and I bet you think it's child abuse to go back to work at 3 months, too.

Guess what -- I'm a mother, and in my actual experience, it's much rougher to leave a child when they are at an age to actually notice you are gone and really miss you (18 months or so) than an infant. If OP feels like a few days' break is going to be helpful for her and her family, and that she has good childcare, it's totally fine. It does sound like OP is just exhausted and needs time to herself in general -- not sure if a vacation will do the trick, but it doesn't hurt for her to start thinking about how she can get her sense of self back. There is NOTHING selfish about a mom of three small kids doing the things she needs to do to keep herself mentally and spiritually healthy. In fact what is selfish is to ignore her own needs, because that is precisely what will interfere with good parenting.


Well... I'm a mother, too, and I think it depends a little bit on your child. While it's true overall that they don't start going through separation anxiety until they're a little bit older, and usually 18 months is a peak with several other peaks thereafter, I do think some infants notice and are happier with some caregivers than others. My first definitely just had a kind of bored/skeptical look on his face if he wasn't very into the person whereas if he liked the person he went down easily for naps and giggled a lot. Same thing now, really, he has better chemistry with some than others.

Also, I don't think framing this as selfish vs unselfish is that helpful. A selfish choice can be healthy, and sometimes a selfish choice can be unhealthy. It depends on a lot of other things which is what I think PP are trying to get at.


Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 13:15     Subject: Re:What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Eh -- a lot of people have to go back to work insanely early, like even 6 weeks. The baby will be fine if your parents are willing to do it. You'll be with her at home for the whole rest of the time.


OP here. When I toured daycares with my first, I saw babies as young as 6 weeks at daycare. I genuinely felt bad and sorry for them. I guess my reasoning was many moms have to go back to work when kids are 3 months so I thought it may be ok to leave our same aged child for a few days for vacation.

We will not be booking anything until baby is born. We will see how things go. DH may book his flights with older kids and see if I and/or baby will also be going.


Oh my goodness... where to start with this.

When you work, it's usually for 8 out of the 24 hours (OK, 9...factor in commute). 9 hrs at a time, five out of seven days of the week, is a very different separation than 168 at one go. A baby 2-3 months old is still in the 4th trimester and most moms find it really hard to take even that 9 hour separation. I'm not talking about the needs of the baby here, but about the symbiosis and where the mother usually is physiologically in that process of separation. Sure, everyone needs a few hours break here and there, but that's very different than taking a week away.

With work, you also have a very different choice to face. Either you go back, or you lose your job and possibly your career, depending on the kind of work you do and how many on/off ramps there are. For moms who have decided that in the big picture it is better overall for their families if they work, it's a hard choice but it must be made.

You're talking about an elective beach vacation. Yes, spring break is coming up. So is summer vacation very shortly thereafter. You don't have one hard choice to make, you have many options, which is why I think you're getting the responses you are. I personally think it sounds like the urgency in your case doesn't come from scheduling so much as a feeling of being overwhelmed, depressed, and resenting your own choice to bring another very dependent being into this world.

I work and have done trips away when baby was 4 months, have another one coming up when baby is 3 months. I don't feel guilty. But the main thing on my mind (since I cannot reschedule these conferences) is how to make my stay as short as possible, even if that means flying in and out the same day or whatever. It's no joke to pump for all that time, to build a stash, etc. I know you said you don't want to be bothered about breastfeeding, and everyone has their reasons. But breastfeeding, among many other things, is also an emotional reminder of how often that baby needs you. Of course it's really hard, we all get that... you just sound so unhappy and it sounds like this vacation is an escape from dealing with your reality, not something that will actually help you address these feelings. Good luck, I hope you get some help for yourself -- happy mother = happy baby.




I am trying to find a solution where I can also go away for a short period of time except it isn't for work. It's still the same time away from the baby. You have to go for a work conference. I want to go away for the same time period. I'm ok with going for shorter duration than DH and older kids.

I used to have a demanding job before I stopped working. I know the feeling of wanting to get home to see my child as much as possible. I don't have that same feeling now that I am home full time. I have the opposite feeling of wanting to get a break as much as possible. I know I won't get much sympathy here but it is the exact same feeling in the opposite if that makes sense to anyone.
Anonymous
Post 12/20/2016 13:13     Subject: What do you think of leaving a 2-3 month old behind so you can travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with others that you sound incredibly selfish. 2-3 months is too young and putting too much on the grandparents. I'd have a different opinion if the baby would be 6 months and older, but 2-3 months just isn't the right time.


totally disagree. at 2-3 months the baby is barely conscious and really has little idea who is taking care of him/her as long as they are loving. If OP is confident in the grandparents caregiving there is absolutely no reason she shouldn't do this.


Oh FFS. The bolded is SO untrue. Freaking newborns can discern the difference between their mothers and other people, and you think a three month old is barely conscious?! SMH.

This favorite DCUM notion that young infants can't tell who takes care of them is such garbage.


Right, and I bet you think it's child abuse to go back to work at 3 months, too.

Guess what -- I'm a mother, and in my actual experience, it's much rougher to leave a child when they are at an age to actually notice you are gone and really miss you (18 months or so) than an infant. If OP feels like a few days' break is going to be helpful for her and her family, and that she has good childcare, it's totally fine. It does sound like OP is just exhausted and needs time to herself in general -- not sure if a vacation will do the trick, but it doesn't hurt for her to start thinking about how she can get her sense of self back. There is NOTHING selfish about a mom of three small kids doing the things she needs to do to keep herself mentally and spiritually healthy. In fact what is selfish is to ignore her own needs, because that is precisely what will interfere with good parenting.