Anonymous
Post 02/25/2017 08:09     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
I am 36. Parents divorced when I was 10. I am a fully functional adult, but I struggle with anxiety and depression, and have since college. But I don't believe that was caused by the divorce, or the fact that both my parents had narcissistic tendencies (which probably resulted in their divorce).

There wasn't a ton of shit-slinging between them. Problems did arise because parents preferred to communicate through me, instead of calling each other.

I will say that my husband has his share of emotional issues (he's also a little narcissistic), and his parents are still married. I'm sure it's not a coincidence that I married someone similar to my parents, but again, I don't think that is directly attributable to the divorce.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2017 07:26     Subject: Re:Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
The person who is so bitter because she has elderly parents living in different locations is so entitled it is farcical.

No one is entitled to ANYTHING in life.

Parents die. Parents are crippled. Parents are killed in wars and car accidents by drunk drivers.

You can choose whether to help your parents or not. But you are not a "victim."

GROW UP.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 15:35     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I are very well-adjusted and happy children of divorce who are still VERY CLOSE to each other and both of our parents AND both of our stepparents AND our stepsiblings.

I am guessing this is because my parents coparented very well together, splitting time with us 50/50, and it happened when my brother and I were fairly young. The got divorced when I was 5; brother was 4. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my dad remarried when I was 11. (Still both married to my stepparents)

I am now 25 and brother is 24. Happy to answer any specific questions...


Have you thought about elder care and what it might be like without step-parents? When I was your age I said similar things, but second marriages often fail, and my circumstances are now very different. I have a totally different perspective on the divorce in my late 40s because my parents can no longer shield me from the consequences.


Elder-care in terms of taking care of my parents if a step-parent dies or they get divorced? Not sure how this would be different if my biological parents were still married; wouldn't that still be a concern? Not sure I'm understanding the question correctly...

(BTW at this point, I am extremely close to both my stepparents and stepmother has no bio-kids of her own, so if they were to get divorced, of course, I would make sure she was taken care of too.)


Yes, like if you became the primary caregiver instead of a spouse, if that happened. I am caring for both of my single elderly parents in different locations and it's tough-- would be much easier if they at least lived near each other.


Ahh I see what you are saying. Luckily, in my case, both parents live very close to each other with no plans to move and my brother and I are also close-by them but I recognize that situation is unique and am very grateful.

You are right that divorce can definitely create that issue. But I don't think that warrants staying in an unhappy marriage "just for the kids"....
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 15:31     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
It's important to tell your kids that you do not expect them go above and beyond phone calls if the divorced parents live in separate places when elderly and the children are busy in their lives. Children need to know that since you divorced, you are prepared to provide 100 percent for any eventuality regarding your care. It's not fair for them to have the burden of traveling different places or caring for a single parent while the other is still alive. Just save up for elder care and let your kids visit if they want to and it's easy .
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 15:15     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I are very well-adjusted and happy children of divorce who are still VERY CLOSE to each other and both of our parents AND both of our stepparents AND our stepsiblings.

I am guessing this is because my parents coparented very well together, splitting time with us 50/50, and it happened when my brother and I were fairly young. The got divorced when I was 5; brother was 4. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my dad remarried when I was 11. (Still both married to my stepparents)

I am now 25 and brother is 24. Happy to answer any specific questions...


Have you thought about elder care and what it might be like without step-parents? When I was your age I said similar things, but second marriages often fail, and my circumstances are now very different. I have a totally different perspective on the divorce in my late 40s because my parents can no longer shield me from the consequences.


Elder-care in terms of taking care of my parents if a step-parent dies or they get divorced? Not sure how this would be different if my biological parents were still married; wouldn't that still be a concern? Not sure I'm understanding the question correctly...

(BTW at this point, I am extremely close to both my stepparents and stepmother has no bio-kids of her own, so if they were to get divorced, of course, I would make sure she was taken care of too.)


See, that's an easy promise to make when you're young. Much harder to actually do, if you have your own kids and spouse to take care of as well. And it's really, really expensive.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 15:14     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I are very well-adjusted and happy children of divorce who are still VERY CLOSE to each other and both of our parents AND both of our stepparents AND our stepsiblings.

I am guessing this is because my parents coparented very well together, splitting time with us 50/50, and it happened when my brother and I were fairly young. The got divorced when I was 5; brother was 4. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my dad remarried when I was 11. (Still both married to my stepparents)

I am now 25 and brother is 24. Happy to answer any specific questions...


Have you thought about elder care and what it might be like without step-parents? When I was your age I said similar things, but second marriages often fail, and my circumstances are now very different. I have a totally different perspective on the divorce in my late 40s because my parents can no longer shield me from the consequences.


Elder-care in terms of taking care of my parents if a step-parent dies or they get divorced? Not sure how this would be different if my biological parents were still married; wouldn't that still be a concern? Not sure I'm understanding the question correctly...

(BTW at this point, I am extremely close to both my stepparents and stepmother has no bio-kids of her own, so if they were to get divorced, of course, I would make sure she was taken care of too.)


Yes, like if you became the primary caregiver instead of a spouse, if that happened. I am caring for both of my single elderly parents in different locations and it's tough-- would be much easier if they at least lived near each other.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 10:49     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I are very well-adjusted and happy children of divorce who are still VERY CLOSE to each other and both of our parents AND both of our stepparents AND our stepsiblings.

I am guessing this is because my parents coparented very well together, splitting time with us 50/50, and it happened when my brother and I were fairly young. The got divorced when I was 5; brother was 4. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my dad remarried when I was 11. (Still both married to my stepparents)

I am now 25 and brother is 24. Happy to answer any specific questions...


Have you thought about elder care and what it might be like without step-parents? When I was your age I said similar things, but second marriages often fail, and my circumstances are now very different. I have a totally different perspective on the divorce in my late 40s because my parents can no longer shield me from the consequences.


Elder-care in terms of taking care of my parents if a step-parent dies or they get divorced? Not sure how this would be different if my biological parents were still married; wouldn't that still be a concern? Not sure I'm understanding the question correctly...

(BTW at this point, I am extremely close to both my stepparents and stepmother has no bio-kids of her own, so if they were to get divorced, of course, I would make sure she was taken care of too.)
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 10:43     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - only pay attention to what you hear from the children themselves, not the parents


This is an interesting attitude to me, as the divorced (and remarried) mother of two teens. I've assumed for years that they are basically ok post-divorce, in large part due to their father and I doing everything we can to be a united and positive co-parenting team. But recently I sat my kids down and flat out asked them. They both agreed that they don't feel too negatively affected by the divorce or the remarriages of their parents. They did point to some things that never occurred to me--for example, apparently they used to hate when we would use a playdate or other social/school event as a hand-over site, because they thought it was awkward that one of us would drop them off and the other one would pick up (I refrained from pointing out that married parents do that too). But overall they feel like things are fine as they are and as they have been. Now that they are older and able to coordinate more and more of their lives on their own, their father and I talk less, which I enjoy, but they know we are still on the same page on all the important stuff and they appreciate that.


Sounds like they told you what you wanted to hear. If my mom asked I would do the same -- pick a few minor things from the past and reassure her that I am fine. Because that's easier for me. The truth is, while I am not traumatized or damaged in any severe way, it really us a burden on me as an adult, and getting worse as they age, and my mom's boyfriend is a loser. But she would get upset if I told her what I really think, and tell me I need therapy or that I should be more "resilient"-- ugh. What she really wants is validation.

Also, teenagers have no clue what it means to be an adult child of divorce. It was only when I met my in-laws that I fully understood the benefits of an intact family. And I had no clue about elder care. So you might want to ask your kids again later.


I'm the poster you quoted who spoke to my teens. Trust me, my kids don't sugarcoat for me. Neither has ever had any issue telling me exactly what they think about things or what's going on in their heads (I admit sometimes I wish they would, because we've had some doozies lately). Our relationship isn't perfect but it's pretty honest.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 09:31     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - only pay attention to what you hear from the children themselves, not the parents


This is an interesting attitude to me, as the divorced (and remarried) mother of two teens. I've assumed for years that they are basically ok post-divorce, in large part due to their father and I doing everything we can to be a united and positive co-parenting team. But recently I sat my kids down and flat out asked them. They both agreed that they don't feel too negatively affected by the divorce or the remarriages of their parents. They did point to some things that never occurred to me--for example, apparently they used to hate when we would use a playdate or other social/school event as a hand-over site, because they thought it was awkward that one of us would drop them off and the other one would pick up (I refrained from pointing out that married parents do that too). But overall they feel like things are fine as they are and as they have been. Now that they are older and able to coordinate more and more of their lives on their own, their father and I talk less, which I enjoy, but they know we are still on the same page on all the important stuff and they appreciate that.


Sounds like they told you what you wanted to hear. If my mom asked I would do the same -- pick a few minor things from the past and reassure her that I am fine. Because that's easier for me. The truth is, while I am not traumatized or damaged in any severe way, it really us a burden on me as an adult, and getting worse as they age, and my mom's boyfriend is a loser. But she would get upset if I told her what I really think, and tell me I need therapy or that I should be more "resilient"-- ugh. What she really wants is validation.

Also, teenagers have no clue what it means to be an adult child of divorce. It was only when I met my in-laws that I fully understood the benefits of an intact family. And I had no clue about elder care. So you might want to ask your kids again later.


You post all the time.

When people are considering whether to divorce, they make the best decision they can with the information in front of them. It is absolutely ridiculous to suggest (as you have done before) that people shouldn't divorce when their kids are young because it'll be a burden later when their kids are adults. For starters, people grow and change and become satisfied and dissatisfied with various things about their lives and families throughout their life. I am also an adult child of divorce, and it's not a burden as my parents age (dad is retired, mom isn't but is chronically ill, they live in different parts of the country). We manage to see them regularly, including for holidays, and the elder care issues are not any more burdensome than they were when my grandparents (married 50 years) needed the same care.

Please stop making every.single.post about how children handle divorce about your experience as though no one else's experience could possibly be valid.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 09:23     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I are very well-adjusted and happy children of divorce who are still VERY CLOSE to each other and both of our parents AND both of our stepparents AND our stepsiblings.

I am guessing this is because my parents coparented very well together, splitting time with us 50/50, and it happened when my brother and I were fairly young. The got divorced when I was 5; brother was 4. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my dad remarried when I was 11. (Still both married to my stepparents)

I am now 25 and brother is 24. Happy to answer any specific questions...


Have you thought about elder care and what it might be like without step-parents? When I was your age I said similar things, but second marriages often fail, and my circumstances are now very different. I have a totally different perspective on the divorce in my late 40s because my parents can no longer shield me from the consequences.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2017 09:18     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - only pay attention to what you hear from the children themselves, not the parents


This is an interesting attitude to me, as the divorced (and remarried) mother of two teens. I've assumed for years that they are basically ok post-divorce, in large part due to their father and I doing everything we can to be a united and positive co-parenting team. But recently I sat my kids down and flat out asked them. They both agreed that they don't feel too negatively affected by the divorce or the remarriages of their parents. They did point to some things that never occurred to me--for example, apparently they used to hate when we would use a playdate or other social/school event as a hand-over site, because they thought it was awkward that one of us would drop them off and the other one would pick up (I refrained from pointing out that married parents do that too). But overall they feel like things are fine as they are and as they have been. Now that they are older and able to coordinate more and more of their lives on their own, their father and I talk less, which I enjoy, but they know we are still on the same page on all the important stuff and they appreciate that.


Sounds like they told you what you wanted to hear. If my mom asked I would do the same -- pick a few minor things from the past and reassure her that I am fine. Because that's easier for me. The truth is, while I am not traumatized or damaged in any severe way, it really us a burden on me as an adult, and getting worse as they age, and my mom's boyfriend is a loser. But she would get upset if I told her what I really think, and tell me I need therapy or that I should be more "resilient"-- ugh. What she really wants is validation.

Also, teenagers have no clue what it means to be an adult child of divorce. It was only when I met my in-laws that I fully understood the benefits of an intact family. And I had no clue about elder care. So you might want to ask your kids again later.
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2017 16:07     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
My sibling and I are very well-adjusted and happy children of divorce who are still VERY CLOSE to each other and both of our parents AND both of our stepparents AND our stepsiblings.

I am guessing this is because my parents coparented very well together, splitting time with us 50/50, and it happened when my brother and I were fairly young. The got divorced when I was 5; brother was 4. My mom remarried when I was 7 and my dad remarried when I was 11. (Still both married to my stepparents)

I am now 25 and brother is 24. Happy to answer any specific questions...
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2017 15:55     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:Op - only pay attention to what you hear from the children themselves, not the parents


This is an interesting attitude to me, as the divorced (and remarried) mother of two teens. I've assumed for years that they are basically ok post-divorce, in large part due to their father and I doing everything we can to be a united and positive co-parenting team. But recently I sat my kids down and flat out asked them. They both agreed that they don't feel too negatively affected by the divorce or the remarriages of their parents. They did point to some things that never occurred to me--for example, apparently they used to hate when we would use a playdate or other social/school event as a hand-over site, because they thought it was awkward that one of us would drop them off and the other one would pick up (I refrained from pointing out that married parents do that too). But overall they feel like things are fine as they are and as they have been. Now that they are older and able to coordinate more and more of their lives on their own, their father and I talk less, which I enjoy, but they know we are still on the same page on all the important stuff and they appreciate that.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2017 05:16     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
Anonymous wrote:I was never married to my daughter's father. We got pregnant while dating, had a fairly acrimonious breakup, but then reconciled while I was pregnant and decided to raise the baby as co-parents. She's never known us "together" but we've almost always presented a united front. (though this year's election put that at risk, as I was a Hillary fan/Trump hater and he hates Hillary and voted for Trump.)

We're basically on the same page about issues involving our daughter. I am the more organized parent, so I handle the administration and all camp/activity signups. Before I commit us to stuff, we talk about the scheduling, and he has a say and a veto. We both attend P-T conferences and all sporting events and recitals, etc. We frequently eat meals together if it makes sense to do so, and we do her birthdays as a family.

Most of the families we know have at one point called him my "husband" or me his "wife" and depending on how close we are to them, sometimes we correct them. So clearly our united front is working pretty well. Our daughter is a very happy kid who does well with transitions between homes - she has two stable parents and two stable homes. Neither one of us has married or brought another person into the mix, so it remains to be seen what would happen in that case.


I love your mature approach. You two should be very proud of yourselves! What a great example for your daughter.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2017 03:54     Subject: Any stories of well adjusted happy kids after divorce
"different emotional needs"

I hear shit like this all the time. My opinion is im guessing you picked this person you married. And now for whatever reason things are boring and youre not in love and you are dreaming of a do over

Divorce is the single most destructive financial and emotional decision. Do you have someone else? Im guessing there is

I would suggest actually putting your big girl pants on and having a conversation with husband about some of your "feelings" and start trying to see if you can prioritize the relationship. Seek marriage counseling. Loose weight. Be nice. Date. Have a lot of sex. I suspect not a lot of sex is going on. I have a theory bad or no sex is really the heart of this type of thing (nonabusive, non substance abuse , non money splits)