What outcome does OP hope will happen by her telling the AP's husband?

If OP thinks this would cause her DH to stay in the marriage that would mean

1. The AP's husband is willing to forgive his wife as long as she cuts off the affair
2. The affair partner is ready to end the affair and believes whatever the reason she strayed, the potential of what her marriage would look like post affair/counseling is better than jumping ship (divorce) and officially dating the OP's husband
3. OP's husband would have to believe despite losing the love of his life (the AP) he believes the potential of what his marriage would look like post affair (and hopefully counseling) is better than being single and officially dating other people.

I mean anything can happen, but I wouldn't bank on those events all happening.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look your bickering aside, this is why some people find it so hard to move on from divorce. They become consumed with ruining the AP's life or making sure they get their comeuppance, or making sure their kids somehow find out their other parent is a cheater so they can "know the truth." The reality is that DOES NOT MATTER, nor does it help anyone heal and move on. It keeps you stuck in an endless negative feedback loop. Truthfully, some people cheat and never face real terrible repercussions. They go on and live happy lives and their children love them. So while that's happening, do you want to be the bitter ex spouse still endlessly waiting for the bad stuff to finally happen, or do you want to be the happy ex who also moved on and has a great new life as well?

You are willfully ignoring what others have said. She doesn't tell to ruin the AP's life. She tells to her the other betrayed spouse. His marriage right now is a lie. And his cheating wife may well be preparing to leave - moving assets, laying groundwork with their family and friends so she doesn't appear the bad guy - you name it. He has the RIGHT to know what could hit him like a ton of bricks.

Jesus. The moral bankruptcy of people on this board, who think that no one should have to deal with the consequences of their OWN bad actions.

No I'm not ignoring anything. Op can't know if telling helps or hurts. If they have no intention of divorcing, it would hurt. It's not for her to decide. In any case, nobody who ever tells the AP's spouse does so out of genuine concern. They do it to fuck up the AP's life or at least cause trouble for them. I get the impulse, don't get me wrong, but that is the real motivation at base for doing that.

^^^ to help

Anonymous wrote:Look your bickering aside, this is why some people find it so hard to move on from divorce. They become consumed with ruining the AP's life or making sure they get their comeuppance, or making sure their kids somehow find out their other parent is a cheater so they can "know the truth." The reality is that DOES NOT MATTER, nor does it help anyone heal and move on. It keeps you stuck in an endless negative feedback loop. Truthfully, some people cheat and never face real terrible repercussions. They go on and live happy lives and their children love them. So while that's happening, do you want to be the bitter ex spouse still endlessly waiting for the bad stuff to finally happen, or do you want to be the happy ex who also moved on and has a great new life as well?

You are willfully ignoring what others have said. She doesn't tell to ruin the AP's life. She tells to her the other betrayed spouse. His marriage right now is a lie. And his cheating wife may well be preparing to leave - moving assets, laying groundwork with their family and friends so she doesn't appear the bad guy - you name it. He has the RIGHT to know what could hit him like a ton of bricks.

Jesus. The moral bankruptcy of people on this board, who think that no one should have to deal with the consequences of their OWN bad actions.

I can't remember how my parents told us but it took a long time for them to officially divorce. We know for a fact my dad cheated and my mom's attitude was that she wasn't going to divorce him, he would have to divorce her. Yet they did nothing to try to improve the marriage while staying together. So from that experience I would say

- I agree with PP that said let DH be the one to start the conversation. Don't disparage him, but don't do his dirty work.
- It's important that you stay strong. I love my mom and in some way she is such a strong woman. However to this day it still just confounds me to that she would stay with someone that didn't want her. However you make peace with it, believe you deserve better, don't beg him to stay, or have a breakdown in front of the kids.
- At some point, your DH may need to admit to the kids that he made mistakes and take responsibility for his actions. He doesn't need to be specific, but he needs to be sincere. Speaking for myself that was the moment that I forgave my dad. I was a teenager when this was all happening so as part of the affair my dad was lying about where he would be and was unavailable when we would call. I felt abandoned, as though I couldn't depend on him, as though the other woman and whatever he was doing was more important to him than his kids. I was an adult by the time I had that conversation. My mom stayed out of that conversation, let us individually work out our relationship with our dad, and would genuinely encourage us to work it out with our dad.
-Logistics, logistics, logistics. Sorry, kids are self-centered that way and want to know what it means for them
-I would NOT contact the other woman's husband. You are already separating. Either the OW husband already knows and that's why they are in counseling trying to work it out and you saying something will get back to your DH and make it that much harder to co-parent and get along for the sake of the kids OR the OW's DH doesn't know and since men are more likely to divorce wife over infidelity this is the trigger for her divorce leaving her open to re-marry your soon to be ex. Do you really want to do anything to push that woman into being your children's step mom?
-Keep it classy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

You give him the information. What he does with it is his choice.

Maybe he doesn't want the information. You don't know what he wants, so why meddle in someone else's marriage? Besides, the only information she has is how her husband felt about the AP. That is only going to hurt to hear, and it is irrelevant to what that guy is dealing with. I suspect though that OP wants to tell to get back at the AP. Understandable, but a terrible reason for doing it.

OP gained the right to "meddle"in the AP's marriage when AP started living this so called "pure" love with her husband.

I can't tell if you're dense or being a troll, but in case you're being serious: the point here is that this is potentially going to hurt the other victim here (the AP's husband). She didn't "gain the right" to mess with his life. She should focus on her own issues and leave him to deal with his. All she knows is how her husband feels about the affair, and that is not relevant to AP's husband.

Hello, now you are being dense. AP has a husand, and you are saying however the AP and OP's husband feel about the affair is not relevant to AP's husband.

All we know is how OP's husband felt about the affair, and yes, that is not relevant to the AP's husband's attempt to get past this. I can't imagine why you think that the AP's husband would want to hear that OP's husband is madly in love with the AP. (AP's husband already knows about the affair in case you're having trouble following.)

According to the OP, the AP is supposedly in counseling with her husband. If so, I say the husband needs to know the OP's husband is still desperately in love with AP, so the AP's husband and AP are able to put together a united front. If not, how long until AP falls in the pure love mode again?

Look your bickering aside, this is why some people find it so hard to move on from divorce. They become consumed with ruining the AP's life or making sure they get their comeuppance, or making sure their kids somehow find out their other parent is a cheater so they can "know the truth." The reality is that DOES NOT MATTER, nor does it help anyone heal and move on. It keeps you stuck in an endless negative feedback loop. Truthfully, some people cheat and never face real terrible repercussions. They go on and live happy lives and their children love them. So while that's happening, do you want to be the bitter ex spouse still endlessly waiting for the bad stuff to finally happen, or do you want to be the happy ex who also moved on and has a great new life as well?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

You give him the information. What he does with it is his choice.

Maybe he doesn't want the information. You don't know what he wants, so why meddle in someone else's marriage? Besides, the only information she has is how her husband felt about the AP. That is only going to hurt to hear, and it is irrelevant to what that guy is dealing with. I suspect though that OP wants to tell to get back at the AP. Understandable, but a terrible reason for doing it.

OP gained the right to "meddle"in the AP's marriage when AP started living this so called "pure" love with her husband.

I can't tell if you're dense or being a troll, but in case you're being serious: the point here is that this is potentially going to hurt the other victim here (the AP's husband). She didn't "gain the right" to mess with his life. She should focus on her own issues and leave him to deal with his. All she knows is how her husband feels about the affair, and that is not relevant to AP's husband.

Hello, now you are being dense. AP has a husand, and you are saying however the AP and OP's husband feel about the affair is not relevant to AP's husband.

All we know is how OP's husband felt about the affair, and yes, that is not relevant to the AP's husband's attempt to get past this. I can't imagine why you think that the AP's husband would want to hear that OP's husband is madly in love with the AP. (AP's husband already knows about the affair in case you're having trouble following.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

You give him the information. What he does with it is his choice.

Maybe he doesn't want the information. You don't know what he wants, so why meddle in someone else's marriage? Besides, the only information she has is how her husband felt about the AP. That is only going to hurt to hear, and it is irrelevant to what that guy is dealing with. I suspect though that OP wants to tell to get back at the AP. Understandable, but a terrible reason for doing it.

OP gained the right to "meddle"in the AP's marriage when AP started living this so called "pure" love with her husband.

I can't tell if you're dense or being a troll, but in case you're being serious: the point here is that this is potentially going to hurt the other victim here (the AP's husband). She didn't "gain the right" to mess with his life. She should focus on her own issues and leave him to deal with his. All she knows is how her husband feels about the affair, and that is not relevant to AP's husband.

Hello, now you are being dense. AP has a husand, and you are saying however the AP and OP's husband feel about the affair is not relevant to AP's husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

You give him the information. What he does with it is his choice.

Maybe he doesn't want the information. You don't know what he wants, so why meddle in someone else's marriage? Besides, the only information she has is how her husband felt about the AP. That is only going to hurt to hear, and it is irrelevant to what that guy is dealing with. I suspect though that OP wants to tell to get back at the AP. Understandable, but a terrible reason for doing it.

OP gained the right to "meddle"in the AP's marriage when AP started living this so called "pure" love with her husband.

I can't tell if you're dense or being a troll, but in case you're being serious: the point here is that this is potentially going to hurt the other victim here (the AP's husband). She didn't "gain the right" to mess with his life. She should focus on her own issues and leave him to deal with his. All she knows is how her husband feels about the affair, and that is not relevant to AP's husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

You give him the information. What he does with it is his choice.

Maybe he doesn't want the information. You don't know what he wants, so why meddle in someone else's marriage? Besides, the only information she has is how her husband felt about the AP. That is only going to hurt to hear, and it is irrelevant to what that guy is dealing with. I suspect though that OP wants to tell to get back at the AP. Understandable, but a terrible reason for doing it.

OP gained the right to "meddle"in the AP's marriage when AP started living this so called "pure" love with her husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

oh really, who cares. That lady deserves to have her family life blown to smithereens. I hope her husband kicks her out and her kids stop speaking to her for years.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but your response is ignoring the fact that the AP's husband might not want to hear this information. He might be in a place where he is working to move past what happened. He might be making progress on getting to where he needs to be, including with putting his relationship back together for him and his kids. I don't think you should meddle in what's going on with another marriage, even if what the AP did affected your marriage.

You give him the information. What he does with it is his choice.

Maybe he doesn't want the information. You don't know what he wants, so why meddle in someone else's marriage? Besides, the only information she has is how her husband felt about the AP. That is only going to hurt to hear, and it is irrelevant to what that guy is dealing with. I suspect though that OP wants to tell to get back at the AP. Understandable, but a terrible reason for doing it.

Have him explain it to them.

I mean you're there, but let him try to explain ... and be very uncomfortable ... and suffer.

It is fine for you to be quiet. It is fine for you to be the hurt spouse. It is fine for them to see you as an (almost) silent victim. He broke up the family. Let him try to explain it to them. Let him try.

Op, their degree of unhappiness is not going to be fixed by you. You, of course, don't need to add to it. I know you wouldn't disparage him in front of them. He is their father BUT they have a right to think it's his fault. They have a right to feel this in their gut. DO NOT mess with their emotional antenna on this issue - they need to trust their intuition. They need it intact, for their own wellbeing and judgement, later in life.

Please Wait until January.
My parents did the pre holiday split when I was 7 and it ruined the he season for years you both can suck it up 2 more months.
It will give you more time to prepare and not break your kids hearts at this time of year.

Tell the OW's husband. He has an absolute right to know the truth of his marriage. He has the right to prepare himself for what happens next, too. Is it better if he is blind-sided? He is just as much an innocent victim in this as OP.

OP, get on over to www.survivinginfidelity.com for real support from people who have been there. They can help - and without all the bull that you hear on this board, from people who are clearly ignorant about adultery.

Take good care of yourself. You have my deepest sympathy.