Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 16:01     Subject: Re:Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. My MIL came out to "help" us when DC#2 was born and it was a disaster. The day I was discharged from the hospital - totally exhausted and in pain from a 3rd degree tear - I was making dinner while DH handled both kids. MIL sat in another room playing on her iPad. We had even asked her to watch our oldest while we got dinner ready and she said she had to run upstairs for a moment but then we didn't see her until the food was ready. That's just one example of how "helpful" she was. We now know better than to expect any actual help from her when she stays with us, even if we ask.

Now you know how your MIL will be with "helping" and you can adjust your expectations accordingly.


I could have written this, but it was our first, both ILs came ~2weeks after the birth, and every day at noon and 6 they asked me expectantly what I was making them for lunch/dinner.

I'm sorry your MIL is not helping as much as you need during your time of need. I would have DH arrange to send her home early if all she is doing is causing you more stress.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:47     Subject: Re:Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. It sounds like you are feeling stressed. I would try to just power through the MIL situation as best you can without burning any bridges. At the very least, having someone do pickup and dropoffs is a huge help as well as having her stay with the baby so you can run errands with the older kid. It sounds like you have a lot of things coming together - small house, money is tight, MIL is a talker and you have no privacy, and work stress. I would let your expectations for dinner and housekeeping fall to your husband and MIL--you can help by entertaining the three-year-old with a book or game while they sort it out.


Thank you for your nice words
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:45     Subject: Re:Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
I'm sorry. It sounds like you are feeling stressed. I would try to just power through the MIL situation as best you can without burning any bridges. At the very least, having someone do pickup and dropoffs is a huge help as well as having her stay with the baby so you can run errands with the older kid. It sounds like you have a lot of things coming together - small house, money is tight, MIL is a talker and you have no privacy, and work stress. I would let your expectations for dinner and housekeeping fall to your husband and MIL--you can help by entertaining the three-year-old with a book or game while they sort it out.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:37     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:OP, can your mom come back? Or is that not possible? I would be begging my mom to come back and help me if my MIL was as much of a disaster as yours!


my mom still works. she was very generous to take some time off and ask to work remotely for a portion of her time with us.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:37     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
How many more days before she leaves? If it's more than a week, definitely have DH talk to her.

Also, make sure that she and DH have plans to take the kids out all day on the weekend so you get a break.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:34     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
OP, can your mom come back? Or is that not possible? I would be begging my mom to come back and help me if my MIL was as much of a disaster as yours!
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:33     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm on your side; if she's not helping with what you need help with them she may as well go home. That said, was this a surprise surgery or did you know it was coming? If you knew it was coming then why didn't you stock your own freezer with eight weeks worth of dinners and soups and stuff? Then you'd just need to slap together some pbj and fruit for the kids and yourself during the day.


We did stock up. We had a gap in between my mom leaving and MIL coming so we used up freezer stash. I'm not sure we could fit 8 weeks of meals in the freezer but we used up what we were able to store.


Why couldn't your DH make some meals ?????


with all the extra time he has working and trying to pick up the slack because i'm not able to be so helpful with the kids? he certainly is helpful where he can be.


What extactly is he doing that takes so much time?
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:30     Subject: Re:Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
I get it, OP. My MIL came out to "help" us when DC#2 was born and it was a disaster. The day I was discharged from the hospital - totally exhausted and in pain from a 3rd degree tear - I was making dinner while DH handled both kids. MIL sat in another room playing on her iPad. We had even asked her to watch our oldest while we got dinner ready and she said she had to run upstairs for a moment but then we didn't see her until the food was ready. That's just one example of how "helpful" she was. We now know better than to expect any actual help from her when she stays with us, even if we ask.

Now you know how your MIL will be with "helping" and you can adjust your expectations accordingly.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:24     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Bummer OP. No you can't say anything. Have your DH do the meal prep.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:24     Subject: Re:Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you don't have a desk that will fit in your room, have your husband pick up an inexpensive card table/folding table, they come in different sizes, and make room for it in your bedroom. When she gets home with the two kids and is just starting dinner (or deciding what she wants for take-out), let her handle it on her own. Keep a stash of granola bars in your room so you can wait if dinner is delayed. Let dh handle the night stuff when he gets home.

This is a ridiculous situation. She came to help you and other than the driving, she's on vacation. Pulling out the garbage would have pushed me over the edge.


Huh. Most DH's would probably rather take out the trash themselves than allow their older mother to do it.

Why can't her DH take out the trash?


OP, I think that by pushing yourself to make up for what your MIL is not doing you are making it way too easy for your DH to slack and not deal with the situation. Anything your MIL refuses to do your DH needs to do. Period. Your leg needs to heal so you can walk again. DH needs to step up. His mom has made it clear she's unwilling to help, that means the burden falls on him - not you.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:24     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Send her home.

I think she is probably a lot like my MIL, who wants to "help", but that mostly means doing the exact one thing she wants to do, which is laundry, sorting our clothes, and throwing out our clothing that she does not like. I do not want anyone else to touch my clothing. I have breezily said "oh, no need." I have asked her directly to just leave it, "since I'm so picky". I have hid it in my closet. When I find her huddled in my closet furtively going through my laundry basket, is when I threw in the towel and said no more visits.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:21     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm on your side; if she's not helping with what you need help with them she may as well go home. That said, was this a surprise surgery or did you know it was coming? If you knew it was coming then why didn't you stock your own freezer with eight weeks worth of dinners and soups and stuff? Then you'd just need to slap together some pbj and fruit for the kids and yourself during the day.


We did stock up. We had a gap in between my mom leaving and MIL coming so we used up freezer stash. I'm not sure we could fit 8 weeks of meals in the freezer but we used up what we were able to store.


Why couldn't your DH make some meals ?????


with all the extra time he has working and trying to pick up the slack because i'm not able to be so helpful with the kids? he certainly is helpful where he can be.


How exactly is he being helpful? His mom is doing daycare pick-up and drop-off. You have three adults to get two kids fed and to bed. Even if the MIL is doing nothing other than being an extra pair of hands with the little one, this should not be so overwhelmingly difficult.

I think your main beef is that you aren't getting any work done because MIL is chatty. Why don't you have her drop you at the library for a few hours when she takes the kids to daycare?
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:20     Subject: Re:Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you don't have a desk that will fit in your room, have your husband pick up an inexpensive card table/folding table, they come in different sizes, and make room for it in your bedroom. When she gets home with the two kids and is just starting dinner (or deciding what she wants for take-out), let her handle it on her own. Keep a stash of granola bars in your room so you can wait if dinner is delayed. Let dh handle the night stuff when he gets home.

This is a ridiculous situation. She came to help you and other than the driving, she's on vacation. Pulling out the garbage would have pushed me over the edge.


Huh. Most DH's would probably rather take out the trash themselves than allow their older mother to do it.

Why can't her DH take out the trash?


It's the fact that she's there doing next to nothing, is home alone with the one younger child, and rather than just take the garbage out herself, she pulls it out to remind them it needs to go out. As if they wouldn't realize it themselves. When you're barely hanging on, the last thing you need is someone who is supposed to be helping you telling you what additional things you should be doing.

If the garbage really bothered her and she didn't feel up to taking it out herself, she could have waited until they got home and quietly mentioned it to her son.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:16     Subject: Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm on your side; if she's not helping with what you need help with them she may as well go home. That said, was this a surprise surgery or did you know it was coming? If you knew it was coming then why didn't you stock your own freezer with eight weeks worth of dinners and soups and stuff? Then you'd just need to slap together some pbj and fruit for the kids and yourself during the day.


We did stock up. We had a gap in between my mom leaving and MIL coming so we used up freezer stash. I'm not sure we could fit 8 weeks of meals in the freezer but we used up what we were able to store.


Why couldn't your DH make some meals ?????


with all the extra time he has working and trying to pick up the slack because i'm not able to be so helpful with the kids? he certainly is helpful where he can be.
Anonymous
Post 10/28/2016 15:16     Subject: Re:Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
We brought my MIL in town to help us out ... and the manner is which she helped us did not meet our standards.