Anonymous wrote:So you didn't know who the father of your three children was for certain until you took the DNA tests? Was your husband unaware through all of those years that you were having sex with multiple men?

Correct. He was unaware.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you go to mixed SAA meetings or all-women meetings? If you go to mixed meetings, does it concern you to be with men with the same compulsion? Seems very potentially risky to me. I know several men who go to all-men SAA meetings to avoid triggers.

Also, are you in ongoing therapy? Your current relationship with your husband sounds really damaging, as if you're continuing the abused dynamic, since you say you feel you can't say no to having sex with him. How can you possibly heal if you two are entrenched this way?

I go to both. At mixed meetings, I do not talk to the men there. I leave right after the meeting and don't hang out. I do feel myself forming attachments and feelings for some of the men I see at the meetings regularly that I have to work to control.

You are right about my marriage being damaging. I think right now I am hoping with more time and more rebuilding it will get better.

Thank you for your honest responses. I wonder if engaging in this dynamic with your husband is like another form of acting out. Repeating a cycle of feeling you can't say no to having sex with someone? That's the tricky thing--you can work on stopping certain obvious forms of acting out, and then your clever self will find insidious new ways to act out. It's so difficult to keep balance and work through a relationship while dealing with sex addiction issues, in my personal experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your sex life with your husband like? Both now and in.the past?

It fluctuates. We have sex regularly
These days. Approx 2-3 times a week. But there are many charged emotions that we both have that impact our sex life. For example, my guilt and shame is so intense that I don't feel like I can say no to him when I am not in the mood for sex. And he sometimes hates having sex with me because he gets flashbacks to me being with others.

How are you dealing with this problem?

I pray, meditate, ask God for help and forgiveness, work my program, think about my kids, try to share my feelings productively with my husband, reach out to my sponsor, and hope that with time and rebuilding things will improve.

With alcoholics in recovery, they have to understand that they cannot have a healthy relationship with booze. But with sex addiction, how do you manage having sex in a healthy way? Do some sex addicts simply give up sex entirely the way that alcoholics give up drinking? It seems like it would be very difficult to manage .

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you go to mixed SAA meetings or all-women meetings? If you go to mixed meetings, does it concern you to be with men with the same compulsion? Seems very potentially risky to me. I know several men who go to all-men SAA meetings to avoid triggers.

Also, are you in ongoing therapy? Your current relationship with your husband sounds really damaging, as if you're continuing the abused dynamic, since you say you feel you can't say no to having sex with him. How can you possibly heal if you two are entrenched this way?

I go to both. At mixed meetings, I do not talk to the men there. I leave right after the meeting and don't hang out. I do feel myself forming attachments and feelings for some of the men I see at the meetings regularly that I have to work to control.

You are right about my marriage being damaging. I think right now I am hoping with more time and more rebuilding it will get better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your sex life with your husband like? Both now and in.the past?

It fluctuates. We have sex regularly
These days. Approx 2-3 times a week. But there are many charged emotions that we both have that impact our sex life. For example, my guilt and shame is so intense that I don't feel like I can say no to him when I am not in the mood for sex. And he sometimes hates having sex with me because he gets flashbacks to me being with others.

How are you dealing with this problem?

OP, do you go to mixed SAA meetings or all-women meetings? If you go to mixed meetings, does it concern you to be with men with the same compulsion? Seems very potentially risky to me. I know several men who go to all-men SAA meetings to avoid triggers.

Also, are you in ongoing therapy? Your current relationship with your husband sounds really damaging, as if you're continuing the abused dynamic, since you say you feel you can't say no to having sex with him. How can you possibly heal if you two are entrenched this way?

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask what you "got" out of these encounters? Was it just the "blotting out of bad feelings" thing? Or was there something specific to the sexual expression of it?

Did you watch a lot of porn? Would you get turned on by men on the street? How would you feel after the sexual encounters?

Sex addiction isn't about sex. So, no I would not get turned on by men in the street. Some sex addicts are addicted to porn. I was not and am not, although I do like it. While acting out, I would often get sexually aroused (wet) and I would get a physical rush and it would serve as an escape from whatever crap in my life I was dealing with.

Anonymous wrote:I'm no where near a perfect mother of my two children but I have a very difficult time understands how, with three young children, you had time and energy to have this addiction. And then throw in a lawyer job? Did your children never see you? When you were with them were you "present"?

You find the time for your addiction. I had no hobbies. I would act out on my phone/internet a lot and that you can do anywhere -- at work, while on the stair master. I acted out at work a lot. I sit in an office so there was time. Since entering recovery and getting sober, my productivity at work has improved substantially and I have picked up a bunch of hobbies.

Anonymous wrote:Were you the initiator of the sexual encounters? How did you initiate it, especially if it was a coworker where it starts off platonic?

A few times (when I was still trying to deny my addiction) the guys were the initiator. But eventually it was always me initiating.

Anonymous wrote:What is your sex life with your husband like? Both now and in.the past?

It fluctuates. We have sex regularly
These days. Approx 2-3 times a week. But there are many charged emotions that we both have that impact our sex life. For example, my guilt and shame is so intense that I don't feel like I can say no to him when I am not in the mood for sex. And he sometimes hates having sex with me because he gets flashbacks to me being with others.

So you didn't know who the father of your three children was for certain until you took the DNA tests? Was your husband unaware through all of those years that you were having sex with multiple men?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I want to echo the PP who offered the encouragement. Sex addiction is tough. I'm a therapist and have worked with my share of sex addicts and people sexually acting out. Keep working your program and stay strong. I'm rooting for you!

No one has to take responsibility for their behavior. Sex addicts, dope, alcohol, food. I am so sick of these excuses. We need to go back to taking responsibility for our lives.

What does you statement even mean? It's useless, meaningless word drivel.
Going through a 12-step addiction program is "taking responsibility." What are you expecting OP to do? Do you even understand how addictions manifest and operated? Because you seriously sound like an ignorant fool.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I want to echo the PP who offered the encouragement. Sex addiction is tough. I'm a therapist and have worked with my share of sex addicts and people sexually acting out. Keep working your program and stay strong. I'm rooting for you!

No one has to take responsibility for their behavior. Sex addicts, dope, alcohol, food. I am so sick of these excuses. We need to go back to taking responsibility for our lives.

I hope that you never have to deal with a family member or loved one who deals with addiction. It is an excruciating experience both for the addict and the loved ones. Most addiction is genetic and if you'd like for me to link some studies and talks by various doctors, I will gladly do so. Addiction can also happen after abuse or traumatic situations. Perhaps if you did some research you might change your mind. If you do all the research and still don't change your mind, then I will respect what you say. It sounds like you don't understand addiction very well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you sexually abused as a child?

Yes

Oh, yes. People like You ALWAYS have an excuse and blame someone else. You, of course. Have zero responsibility for your reprehensible behavior. Poor, poor you.

That's an awful thing to say. She obviously is taking responsibility for her behavior now and feels quite a bit of guilt. I hope that you are perfect if you are posting something like this, otherwise, you really should try to shift your perspective in life.