Nah, I think there is plenty of fault, and I feel badly used in this particular situation. I don't hate my MIL, but I don't enjoy her. I don't expect our relationship to get better, and I don't expect it to get worse. It will go on just fine, superficially nice, except that I will be more wary of situations where she might do something like this in the future, and I will defend my borders with more vigilance. I am not really worried about the relationship.

As far as manners go ... they are not just arbitrary rules. They are meant to protect against hurting other people's feelings. My feelings are hurt. I feel that there was a breach of manners here, even if it's not the MIL hosting issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, look at you MIL dofferently.

Many People, especially in this area, don't have family nearby so they end up making a surrogate family with their friends.

Is it possible your MIL has done the same since her kids are gone, where what you consider just a bunch of strangers and her friends are actually the people who fill the "family" role in her life?

Maybe, but I just don't care? I still find it obnoxious that she's throwing a party for herself. With me and my baby as proxy. And that I got guilted/tricked into it. But I'm sure everyone is sick of my problems, LOL.

OP, it genuinely sounds like you do not like your MIL at all, and no matter what she does you will find a way to find fault it.

If she does something kind like throwing a shower to celebrate her grandchild, you hide behind pretending to be Emily Post and that she is breaching all types of the finer points of manners. Next it will be showing too much interest in seeing baby after it is born, or showing not enough interest in baby. Or she will sing the wrong lullabies. Or not know the books your mom knows.

I think that you have far bigger issues that have nothing to do with her kindness in celebrating this baby.

You need to quit looking for fault where there is none because you will end up making things REALLY ugly in the future when a true line in the sand situation arises.

Anonymous wrote:OP, look at you MIL dofferently.

Many People, especially in this area, don't have family nearby so they end up making a surrogate family with their friends.

Is it possible your MIL has done the same since her kids are gone, where what you consider just a bunch of strangers and her friends are actually the people who fill the "family" role in her life?

Maybe, but I just don't care? I still find it obnoxious that she's throwing a party for herself. With me and my baby as proxy. And that I got guilted/tricked into it. But I'm sure everyone is sick of my problems, LOL.

OP, look at you MIL dofferently.

Many People, especially in this area, don't have family nearby so they end up making a surrogate family with their friends.

Is it possible your MIL has done the same since her kids are gone, where what you consider just a bunch of strangers and her friends are actually the people who fill the "family" role in her life?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I don't think grandmothers or MILs should be excluded at all -- I just don't think they should host the party.

But it is traditional for them to host the baby shower.

Why the need to hurt feeling by breaking from tradition?

Traditional for who?? People who somehow get to adulthood (and old age!!) without understanding basic etiquette?? I thought it had been understood: relatives don't host showers. Except that they do, to the point that you apparently think that is the way it is supposed to be. Are y'all fucking with me? Or for real?

Traditional in many parts of the country. Grandmas or sisters traditionally host the family/extended family baby shower.

It is rude to pawn it off to some distant relative or friend. This is not a bachlorette party or bridal shower. It is a celebration given by those people who will be closest to the baby.

OP here. I like it that your MIL-hosted showers are for those who will be closest to the baby. I got suckered into to a MIL-hosted shower of people who may never see me or my baby again.

I have lived in the midwest, south, west coast and mid atlantic.

In all of those areas, grandmas or close female relatives hosted the family/close friend baby showers.

The only showers I have been to that are not hosted by family members are work showers or military spouse showers where somone usually says "Aw...she doesn't have her mom or sisters around so let's host a shower for her." Oftentimes those new moms would also travel home to attend a family shower hosted by, wait for it, their mom, MIL or sisters/SIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I don't think grandmothers or MILs should be excluded at all -- I just don't think they should host the party.

But it is traditional for them to host the baby shower.

Why the need to hurt feeling by breaking from tradition?

Traditional for who?? People who somehow get to adulthood (and old age!!) without understanding basic etiquette?? I thought it had been understood: relatives don't host showers. Except that they do, to the point that you apparently think that is the way it is supposed to be. Are y'all fucking with me? Or for real?

Traditional in many parts of the country. Grandmas or sisters traditionally host the family/extended family baby shower.

It is rude to pawn it off to some distant relative or friend. This is not a bachlorette party or bridal shower. It is a celebration given by those people who will be closest to the baby.

I am surprised that you are surprised PP. But then again, maybe not. Your language choice gives you away and shows that you are probably not very familiar with whatbis traditional in many parts of this country

Does my use of "y'all" give me away as a provincial Southerner, ignorant of the etiquette atrocities being committed in other areas of the country? Seriously, where are "y'all" from?

This is not the way on the mid East coast or the South, at least not among WASPS, who invented modern manners.

It has nothing to do with your use of "y'all."

It is your casual dropping of F-bombs.

Your choice of language presents you as one who does not have a monopoly on the finer points of good manners.

Hilarious!! I judge you for judging. Why won't anyone step up with where the MIL-hosted showers are a time-honored tradition, harking back to ... grandma? I sincerely want to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I don't think grandmothers or MILs should be excluded at all -- I just don't think they should host the party.

But it is traditional for them to host the baby shower.

Why the need to hurt feeling by breaking from tradition?

Traditional for who?? People who somehow get to adulthood (and old age!!) without understanding basic etiquette?? I thought it had been understood: relatives don't host showers. Except that they do, to the point that you apparently think that is the way it is supposed to be. Are y'all fucking with me? Or for real?

Traditional in many parts of the country. Grandmas or sisters traditionally host the family/extended family baby shower.

It is rude to pawn it off to some distant relative or friend. This is not a bachlorette party or bridal shower. It is a celebration given by those people who will be closest to the baby.

I am surprised that you are surprised PP. But then again, maybe not. Your language choice gives you away and shows that you are probably not very familiar with whatbis traditional in many parts of this country

Does my use of "y'all" give me away as a provincial Southerner, ignorant of the etiquette atrocities being committed in other areas of the country? Seriously, where are "y'all" from?

This is not the way on the mid East coast or the South, at least not among WASPS, who invented modern manners.

It has nothing to do with your use of "y'all."

It is your casual dropping of F-bombs.

Your choice of language presents you as one who does not have a monopoly on the finer points of good manners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I don't think grandmothers or MILs should be excluded at all -- I just don't think they should host the party.

But it is traditional for them to host the baby shower.

Why the need to hurt feeling by breaking from tradition?

Traditional for who?? People who somehow get to adulthood (and old age!!) without understanding basic etiquette?? I thought it had been understood: relatives don't host showers. Except that they do, to the point that you apparently think that is the way it is supposed to be. Are y'all fucking with me? Or for real?

Traditional in many parts of the country. Grandmas or sisters traditionally host the family/extended family baby shower.

It is rude to pawn it off to some distant relative or friend. This is not a bachlorette party or bridal shower. It is a celebration given by those people who will be closest to the baby.

I am surprised that you are surprised PP. But then again, maybe not. Your language choice gives you away and shows that you are probably not very familiar with whatbis traditional in many parts of this country

Does my use of "y'all" give me away as a provincial Southerner, ignorant of the etiquette atrocities being committed in other areas of the country? Seriously, where are "y'all" from?

This is not the way on the mid East coast or the South, at least not among WASPS, who invented modern manners.

Maybe it would be better if baby showers moved away from the present aspect. I wanted the celebration but not the presents

I feel bad for whatever distant relative or close friend has to host a huge shower for friends, siblings and the parents of the new mom. It's expensive and time consuming. None of my friends had houses large enough for his nor did they have backyards.

I am from a different culture and we do not buy anything for the baby until the baby is safely born. There is one custom that celebrates the pregnancy itself and it is the MIL or mom who will actually initiate this celebration. In the absence of MIL or mom, it is usually a female member of the family - aunt. grandma, SILs or any other married woman. The bridal showers I have seen in this country celebrated by people of my culture has followed the norm of a married female member of the family throwing it.

I find it absolutely OK. Why not? Why should a non-family member bear the brunt of the cost of the party? Let the family do the prep and bear the cost.

Ok, what part of the country are you from?? I will start:

Grew up in: dc metro area
My community is: middle class
Showers are hosted by: close friends

Wait. I feel bad for previous response. Did you mean traditional in your own family?? In that case, I can understand, but you might consider breaking the tradition when it becomes your turn. Also, baby showers have only existed since ww2. So it is not as if this is so many generations of tradition. Break the cycle!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I don't think grandmothers or MILs should be excluded at all -- I just don't think they should host the party.

But it is traditional for them to host the baby shower.

Why the need to hurt feeling by breaking from tradition?

Traditional for who?? People who somehow get to adulthood (and old age!!) without understanding basic etiquette?? I thought it had been understood: relatives don't host showers. Except that they do, to the point that you apparently think that is the way it is supposed to be. Are y'all fucking with me? Or for real?

Traditional in many parts of the country. Grandmas or sisters traditionally host the family/extended family baby shower.

It is rude to pawn it off to some distant relative or friend. This is not a bachlorette party or bridal shower. It is a celebration given by those people who will be closest to the baby.

I am surprised that you are surprised PP. But then again, maybe not. Your language choice gives you away and shows that you are probably not very familiar with whatbis traditional in many parts of this country