He's angry when you tell others because he wants to protect his image in the community. You absolutely have every right to tell your friends and family so that they can give you support during this dreadful time. If he wants to protect his image, he must do so by NOT DOING SHITTY THINGS!!!

He threatens divorce because he trusts that you would never wish to have the marriage end. So he is quite obviously trying to manipulate you into letting him off the hook as well as encouraging you to try harder to please him. Which is quite hilarious, because he is the one who should be trying harder here.

I don't think it should be up to him whether you decide to stay married to a cheater. It is YOUR decision. During your therapy session, have your therapist explore what your boundaries are ... what behaviors are you willing to accept and not accept. You are married to a man who lies and cheats on you and his kids. He thinks that if he threatens to leave, you will cower and beg him not to go. Is that acceptable to you? I hope you say to yourself HELL NO.

Ask him to move out. Call his bluff. Give both of you space to decide what you really want. Prediction: he will want to come back and you will not want him to do so because you gave yourself enough space and time to understand that you deserve love and respect. Yes, divorce is sad and difficult. But remaining married to someone who thinks so little of you is much, much worse. I'll say it again ... know your worth.

Anonymous wrote:OP again - DH gets very angry also asking about who I have told - which family, friends, etc. - I've of course needed to rely on some of my best friends to get me through this tough time, but they are people who are encouraging me on ways to save my marriage --- I feel like I understand his desire for the secret not to get "out" but that also deprives me of the benefit of support from my dearest friends and family that I need right now. I also feel like actions have consequences, and he isn't ready to attribute accountability for himself for his behavior.

It is your right to tell who you need to and get the support you need. It's his own problem if he doesn't want his image tarnished - he shouldn't have cheated and lied if he didn't want that said about him. He is turning things around and blaming you when he is to blame for this situation. Don't fall into his trap. You are correct that his actions have consequences and he is now reaping those. He needs to live with himself and his consequences.

OP again - DH gets very angry also asking about who I have told - which family, friends, etc. - I've of course needed to rely on some of my best friends to get me through this tough time, but they are people who are encouraging me on ways to save my marriage --- I feel like I understand his desire for the secret not to get "out" but that also deprives me of the benefit of support from my dearest friends and family that I need right now. I also feel like actions have consequences, and he isn't ready to attribute accountability for himself for his behavior.

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have heard nothing of kids and so I am assuming you do not have any. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, leave this marriage. You do not deserve this.

She mentioned kids in the OP. Second paragraph.

Op here- thanks 10:33 - that really makes a lot of sense.

10:33 nailed it. I'm really sorry that you're in this position. He may not hate you but he hates the marriage and you need to recognize that you cannot change him in any way. He's made it clear how he feels about the marriage and you should believe him. You deserve better. DTMF. Your next chapter can't begin until you close this one. Hugs.

OP, when he says he hates you ... it isn't you he hates.

He hates that you caught him; he hates that the fact that he is married to you, and made a commitment to you that he is now breaking, makes him a bad actor; he hates that he cannot do whatever he wants with his sex life because he made a marriage promise to you.

His ego and self-image do not allow him to think badly of his own behavior, therefore, he must blame you and hate you because your existence and marriage to him is what makes his lying and cheating behavior, lying and cheating. Otherwise, he'd just be a swinging single with fewer serious consequences for sleeping around -- just like he did all his life until he walked down the aisle in his 40s. He regrets that now there are financial and legal consequences for his "social life," in addition to the emotional ones.

It is not you he hates. But he will likely convince himself that it is you, so that he doesn't have to blame himself. You will never get the full truth from him because he will not ever tell himself the full truth. And if you wold just act like a doormat or a blow up doll, he wouldn't have to face the consequences of his horrid behavior. But you will not be his blow up doll, so he hates that about you. Good for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

By the way ... who was the second person mentioned in your OP who clued you in to this? You need to follow up there too.

OP, we have heard nothing of kids and so I am assuming you do not have any. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, leave this marriage. You do not deserve this.

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the threats are continuing. I don't even think it is a threat -it may be a promise...... I confronted DH about emotional affair....and asked another question about it this morning, and he said basically "that's it"....and "I've been looking at apartments yesterday already" (which I don't think is true) and then he drove off to work....... he also said that a part of him hates me every day........

I feel like he's flipped back at me for asking him a question about affair......I really love him and want to make this work......I have therapy session for tomorrow....I just feel like crap.

I am so sorry OP, this is really sad and you must feel so broken hearted right now but everybody here will tell you the same I am sure. Time to let it go and focus on yourself, only thing you can do is a 180 (look it up "180 strategy divorce"). Focus on yourself, take the high road, that's the only way you may be able to regain his respect and potentially love (not that I think you should want to but that's another story). By doing this you will anyway feel a higher sense of self worth and it will help you heal, no matter what. Trust me

OP again - the threats are continuing. I don't even think it is a threat -it may be a promise...... I confronted DH about emotional affair....and asked another question about it this morning, and he said basically "that's it"....and "I've been looking at apartments yesterday already" (which I don't think is true) and then he drove off to work....... he also said that a part of him hates me every day........

I feel like he's flipped back at me for asking him a question about affair......I really love him and want to make this work......I have therapy session for tomorrow....I just feel like crap.

When in doubt, hire a PI.

Frustrating and maddening are not the right adjectives. It is insulting and degrading. Know your worth. Let him lie and cheat on someone else ... not you. He doesn't love you. That is a really harsh statement, but think about it. Would you intentionally lie to him over and over about anything, much less an affair? No, you would not, because you know it would hurt him and the thought of causing him pain makes you cringe. That is because you love him. He doesn't cringe nor lose sleep over lying to you ... ask yourself why that is. The realization that he is comfortable lying to you because he doesn't worry he might hurt you or lose you is by far the most painful part of any affair. And by continuing with his lies, he continues to hurt you just to protect himself. There are men out there who would treat you with love and respect ... go find one of them and be truly happy.

OP here: Thanks the poster about the trickle truth really said it right -where someone denies denies denies and makes lies to cover up lies until the undeniable next level of truth comes out. it is frustrating and maddening. Ugh.

I'm sorry, OP. I have to agree with the others that it makes no sense that once they had a physical relationship that it would stop. Your husband was never the person he portrayed himself to be. I'm one of those who believe a marriage can survive an affair and even thrive. But, in your case, the cheating started even before you were married, your husband hasn't come clean and it doesn't sound like he's really sorry. There's nothing to salvage in this case. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 99.7 percent sure it's been physical since your marriage. That's just a BS lie to try to get out of admitting the full extent of his cheating. That he's been having an affair the entirety of your marriage should give you serious pause about there being anything to work to save. Unless you have kids, cut your losses now. I hope you have a therapist (not marriage counselor!).

I'd bet my 401k, based on only the info supplied that he's been physical with other women since marriage. It's a no brainer.