Anonymous
08/22/2016 15:40
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Emotional manipulation for physical affection is not cool.
Coercion by nature of position (elder, authority figure, relative, etc) for physical affection is not cool.
Likely nothing malicious is intended by it (probably quite the opposite!) but I would set the precedent now that no one should be subject to those things.
Polite greetings are necessary, yes, but physical affection should ALWAYS be a choice.
Coercion by nature of position (elder, authority figure, relative, etc) for physical affection is not cool.
Likely nothing malicious is intended by it (probably quite the opposite!) but I would set the precedent now that no one should be subject to those things.
Polite greetings are necessary, yes, but physical affection should ALWAYS be a choice.
Anonymous
08/22/2016 15:30
Subject: Re:Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Sadly your child will need to do many things in life he or she doesn't want to do. I often have to shake hands with people I don't want to meet. Not everything is about your child. Your making this all about your child which will cause problems later on.
I assume that if one of those people you don't want to shake hands with decides to hug you instead, that will be fine. Right?
Anonymous
08/22/2016 14:20
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:This is a serious consent issue. Please nip this in the bud before he learns that physical intimacy can be forced.
Exactly. Bribing for affection is a horrible lesson to teach. I bought her dinner, so she should put out. The man offered me candy, so I went with him to look for his dog.
Teach your children to trust their instincts. I'm sure MIL isn't up to anything bad, but they'll both win if she backs off and he learns to trust her on his own, without bribery.
Anonymous
08/22/2016 13:48
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:There is nothing more unsatisfying that manipulating a young child into a stiff forced hug they clearly do NOT WANT to give.
There is nothing more wonderful than when a young child runs into your arms with a warm greeting of loving hello.
The first is what your MIL is getting. The second is what she wants. She is destroying any chance of having what she wants be forcing it on him.
He should be taught to be polite to grandma. He can give her a high five, a handshake, or just a verbal greeting of "hi grandma nice to see you". That's the polite thing to do. Genuine affection is saved for those who've earned your son's trust, which clearly Gma hasn't. She can work on that if she wants, but that's up to her.
Perhaps OP's parents don't manipulate and coerce the small child, which is why he's more open with affection when they are around.
So this. Both my parents and my ILs are pretty good about being patient and letting it happen naturally. I'm grateful I don't have to fight this particular battle, but rest assured I would ALWAYS protect my child.
Anonymous
08/22/2016 13:46
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
There is nothing more unsatisfying that manipulating a young child into a stiff forced hug they clearly do NOT WANT to give.
There is nothing more wonderful than when a young child runs into your arms with a warm greeting of loving hello.
The first is what your MIL is getting. The second is what she wants. She is destroying any chance of having what she wants be forcing it on him.
He should be taught to be polite to grandma. He can give her a high five, a handshake, or just a verbal greeting of "hi grandma nice to see you". That's the polite thing to do. Genuine affection is saved for those who've earned your son's trust, which clearly Gma hasn't. She can work on that if she wants, but that's up to her.
Perhaps OP's parents don't manipulate and coerce the small child, which is why he's more open with affection when they are around.
There is nothing more wonderful than when a young child runs into your arms with a warm greeting of loving hello.
The first is what your MIL is getting. The second is what she wants. She is destroying any chance of having what she wants be forcing it on him.
He should be taught to be polite to grandma. He can give her a high five, a handshake, or just a verbal greeting of "hi grandma nice to see you". That's the polite thing to do. Genuine affection is saved for those who've earned your son's trust, which clearly Gma hasn't. She can work on that if she wants, but that's up to her.
Perhaps OP's parents don't manipulate and coerce the small child, which is why he's more open with affection when they are around.
Anonymous
08/22/2016 12:25
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How about working on the relationship with his grandmother, giving her a stronger presence in her grandson's life? Include her more often, give opportunities for them to do things together. This is something that can easily be fixed.
I'm a grandparent who has a daughter in law that always makes time for her family and I seldom get to see my granddaughter. The writing is on the wall there, I'll never have a close relationship with her. It's really tough when one set of grandparents is favored.
So talk to THE SON YOU RAISED about it.
High five.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 21:10
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:How about working on the relationship with his grandmother, giving her a stronger presence in her grandson's life? Include her more often, give opportunities for them to do things together. This is something that can easily be fixed.
I'm a grandparent who has a daughter in law that always makes time for her family and I seldom get to see my granddaughter. The writing is on the wall there, I'll never have a close relationship with her. It's really tough when one set of grandparents is favored.
So talk to THE SON YOU RAISED about it.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 21:10
Subject: Re:Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe how many people are agreeing with the MIL here! My mother raised me that I always had to say hello to everyone in our family or at a party and always had to say goodbye, but that I never needed to hug or kiss if it made me uncomfortable.
Teaching children that they have to give kisses is really damaging. My god...I can't believe so many of you are raising your children to believe they have to go along with adults. They should have autonomy over their bodies.
I'm horrified.
OP, your MIL is 100% wrong. You or DH need to have a talk with her and she needs to stop doing that shit. And tell DS he never has to give a kiss or hug if he doesn't want to. Even to you or DH.
+1000
Anonymous
08/21/2016 21:09
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:When my mother in law visits she will bring a toy/book and then tell my son(3.5)she will only give it to him if he gives a kiss. Then if he doesn't want to she will tell him she is going to give his presents to a nice boy. My son is affectionate but hates to be forced to give hugs and kisses. She will also pout and tell him that he is hurting her feelings if he doesn't hug her every time she asks. Even once told him he was being "bad" because he didn't want to sit on her lap for a story. My husband just ignores it, and says I should do. I feel like at this point he is getting old enough that I need say something.
It's getting the point that my son no longer looks forward to her coming and doesn't play with her much at all. (He loves when my parents come to visit) and she spend most of the visits crying saying that if she saw him more they would have a better relationship.
What a manipulating person she is! You need to stand for your child and stop her from hurting him emocionally.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 21:07
Subject: Re:Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
I cannot believe how many people are agreeing with the MIL here! My mother raised me that I always had to say hello to everyone in our family or at a party and always had to say goodbye, but that I never needed to hug or kiss if it made me uncomfortable.
Teaching children that they have to give kisses is really damaging. My god...I can't believe so many of you are raising your children to believe they have to go along with adults. They should have autonomy over their bodies.
I'm horrified.
OP, your MIL is 100% wrong. You or DH need to have a talk with her and she needs to stop doing that shit. And tell DS he never has to give a kiss or hug if he doesn't want to. Even to you or DH.
Teaching children that they have to give kisses is really damaging. My god...I can't believe so many of you are raising your children to believe they have to go along with adults. They should have autonomy over their bodies.
I'm horrified.
OP, your MIL is 100% wrong. You or DH need to have a talk with her and she needs to stop doing that shit. And tell DS he never has to give a kiss or hug if he doesn't want to. Even to you or DH.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 21:04
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
How about working on the relationship with his grandmother, giving her a stronger presence in her grandson's life? Include her more often, give opportunities for them to do things together. This is something that can easily be fixed.
I'm a grandparent who has a daughter in law that always makes time for her family and I seldom get to see my granddaughter. The writing is on the wall there, I'll never have a close relationship with her. It's really tough when one set of grandparents is favored.
I'm a grandparent who has a daughter in law that always makes time for her family and I seldom get to see my granddaughter. The writing is on the wall there, I'll never have a close relationship with her. It's really tough when one set of grandparents is favored.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 21:02
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
My stepson had chubby cheeks when he was younger, and our friend would always come over and gush about his cheeks and pinch them. We should have put a stop to it-it was very invasive. 5 years later, he literally cringes when we talk about this friend. She's a really wonderful and loving person, but he despises her bc of this!
Anonymous
08/21/2016 20:53
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Make it fair. No hugs for either set of grandparents. See how crappy that makes your mom feel.
Hugging grandparents is normal and shouldn't be a big deal.
Then don't make it a big deal when they act like a fickle toddler. Give them a half hour to settle in. They'll come around. Re-effing-lax.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 20:43
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Make it fair. No hugs for either set of grandparents. See how crappy that makes your mom feel.
Hugging grandparents is normal and shouldn't be a big deal.
Hugging grandparents is normal and shouldn't be a big deal.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 20:36
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
If you teach your children not to whine/cry/threaten/bribe/throw tantrums to get their way, why does grandma get to use these tactics to get a kiss?