Anonymous
08/20/2016 12:04
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability.
No, it is pretty much the same. It is a broad, sweeping brush as if all disabilities are the same and you'll automatically be incompatible with all of them.
The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability
Or religion, or education level, or ethnicity, nationality, interests, or any category or detail.
Having any parameters at all means you're making sweeping categorizations about compatibility. No one should list any of these details about themselves in their profile, lest you judge them, and you should always give them a try in online dating.
But putting all of that in a profile is unrealistic. The OP's date was honest with her before they ever met.
It doesn't sound like you know anything about online dating, as all of that is generally already on someone's profile, by the questions one answers dictated by the site. When you search profiles, most of the above are already in parameters so you can filter out/in qualities that are important in a partner. All of us have characteristics that are important in filtering out people we'd be interested in dating with long term goals. It makes you a bad person if you judge their character, but you're not a bad person for wanting to know these things as a simple matter of compatibility.
Yes, OP's date did tell her he was in a wheelchair, but after they made plans. I think that's obnoxious. Lots of people are up front about things about them that are less than ideal, and should be candid before making plans.
Also, people with disabilities aren't delicate snowflakes that need to be handled gently with special gloves. People in a wheelchair are like everyone else - they can be confident and insecure. They can be honest or dishonest. They can be jerks or not jerks. Waiting to disclose being in a wheelchair until after you make plans is a jerk move.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 10:55
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Go have pizza and a beer on him and then you can decide
She should pay, he's the one in the wheelchair.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 10:21
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability.
No, it is pretty much the same. It is a broad, sweeping brush as if all disabilities are the same and you'll automatically be incompatible with all of them.
The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability
Or religion, or education level, or ethnicity, nationality, interests, or any category or detail.
Having any parameters at all means you're making sweeping categorizations about compatibility. No one should list any of these details about themselves in their profile, lest you judge them, and you should always give them a try in online dating.
But putting all of that in a profile is unrealistic. The OP's date was honest with her before they ever met.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 10:05
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability.
No, it is pretty much the same. It is a broad, sweeping brush as if all disabilities are the same and you'll automatically be incompatible with all of them.
The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability
Or religion, or education level, or ethnicity, nationality, interests, or any category or detail.
Having any parameters at all means you're making sweeping categorizations about compatibility. No one should list any of these details about themselves in their profile, lest you judge them, and you should always give them a try in online dating.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 10:01
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't cancel a date, but I would think twice about marriage - my mother had a chronic disease, and it majorly affected my childhood.
+1 I am the child of a handicapped (oh, forgot, the new word is disabled) person and I can tell you that severe physical disabilities have broad impacts on a lot of stuff. Partly that's because we live in a world built for the "abled" and partly it's because disabilities can have add-on effects. Doesn't matter why or "right" or "wrong"...but go in with your eyes very very wide open.
I think he obviously felt the need to disclose because his profile hid this fact. I put this in the same category as using a 10 year old picture showing the person 100lbs lighter...or with hair...or, whatever. It's misleading and a bait and switch. I don't think you need to feel the slightest bit guilty or bad about cancelling if you want to. Nobody else - "abled" - gets a free pass for being somewhat deceptive. In fact, the issue of "special consideration" is the single thing about the disabled I'd most caution you to keep your eyes wide open about.
All that said, I'd go out on a date with him (her in my case) at least once. I can tell you that as the child of a not-quite-wheelchair-bound (yet) parent, this was an immediate dealbreaker for me always.
Honest request for dialogue here -- in what ways were you impacted by having a mother with a disability? What could or should she have done differently? How did your other parent's behavior factor into things? When did your mom become disabled? What are some of your childhood memories? No judgment. Real questions.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:42
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm really wondering if this is a guy I met briefly once. He was HOT and awesome, and had a really sporty little wc. Big smile, really friendly, we all swooned a bit (it was a work function).
I had a fleeting thought in my head about about how awesome sex would be sitting on his lap, FWIW
I'm so glad you had a good time. I hope you go out with him again.
OP here.
Curly dark blond hair and blue-green eyes?
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:32
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability.
No, it is pretty much the same. It is a broad, sweeping brush as if all disabilities are the same and you'll automatically be incompatible with all of them.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:27
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
I agree. I am not attracted to Asian or south Asian men. So I wouldn't say yes to a date. This doesn't make me racist.
Well, it kind of does make you racist, but you can't help it.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:26
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
No, it is pretty much the same. It is a broad, sweeping brush as if all disabilities are the same and you'll automatically be incompatible with all of them.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:11
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
I agree. I am not attracted to Asian or south Asian men. So I wouldn't say yes to a date. This doesn't make me racist.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 09:08
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.
It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.
It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 08:59
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 08:58
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Truthfully I think this is something important enough to disclose upfront in an online dating profile. Not after you start communicating or plan a date.
Agree with pp that this would be a dealbreaker for me, because I'm a very active person, and would need a partner to share some of those loves. I get that he may be a bit insecure, but I think it's dishonest to not state up front if he is permanently in a wheelchair.
Friend? Not a question. But to go on a date with, with some long term intent/relationship in mind? Dealbreaker.
Why is it dishonest? It isn't like he said he wasn't in a wheelchair.
Saying nothing is not the same thing as being honest. And to be completely honest, a partner (or dating/finding a date with the hope of finding a committed relationship), being in permanently in a wheelchair is an important consideration. Like if someone doesn't mention that they have kids, or are a heavy smoker. They are important, big details to list up front.
It isn't the same as being dishonest either. You have no idea if OP or the guy are looking for a life partner, and he was up front before the date.
Also, how dare you compared being disabled to being a heavy smoker. You are truly incompetent.
How dare I?! I dare.
It's a very big compatibility issue. They are both big details about someone that may affect compatibility, and should be stated up front. The height issue is incredibly shallow and absurd - but being confined to a wheelchair is very important in terms of a lifestyle one would like to share with a partner. If someone deliberately chooses not to state that big detail, I'd find it dishonest. If it's not an issue for someone, there's no harm in being up front about being confined to a wheelchair.
You are truly clueless and ableist, and I say that as a non-disabled person.
If someone posts pictures of themselves from 10 years when they were 100lbs lighter, would it make me a "fat shamer" if I found that dishonest?
While I know to an extent people want to present their best side in online dating profiles, not presenting truth (which I include not disclosing being confined to a wheelchair) is not a way to achieve success in the dating department. It's a compatibility issue - not a judgment about their competency, or choices, etc.
Honestly, if the person said early on "this is an old picture and I weigh X now," no big deal.
The point is it is not the same as being a heavy smoker or something entirely in your control.
I highly doubt anyone in a wheelchair is seeking out people who have said hiking is of the utmost importance to them. Which, in the vein of being honest, I hope that these people who say being outdoorsy and active is a deal breaker have been truly HONEST and disclosed that in their profile - anyone who can't or doesn't want to participate in hiking and camping need not contact me. After all, that's a huge part of their life and very very important to their relationship, right?
Anonymous
08/20/2016 08:43
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Truthfully I think this is something important enough to disclose upfront in an online dating profile. Not after you start communicating or plan a date.
Agree with pp that this would be a dealbreaker for me, because I'm a very active person, and would need a partner to share some of those loves. I get that he may be a bit insecure, but I think it's dishonest to not state up front if he is permanently in a wheelchair.
Friend? Not a question. But to go on a date with, with some long term intent/relationship in mind? Dealbreaker.
Why is it dishonest? It isn't like he said he wasn't in a wheelchair.
Saying nothing is not the same thing as being honest. And to be completely honest, a partner (or dating/finding a date with the hope of finding a committed relationship), being in permanently in a wheelchair is an important consideration. Like if someone doesn't mention that they have kids, or are a heavy smoker. They are important, big details to list up front.
It isn't the same as being dishonest either. You have no idea if OP or the guy are looking for a life partner, and he was up front before the date.
Also, how dare you compared being disabled to being a heavy smoker. You are truly incompetent.
How dare I?! I dare.
It's a very big compatibility issue. They are both big details about someone that may affect compatibility, and should be stated up front. The height issue is incredibly shallow and absurd - but being confined to a wheelchair is very important in terms of a lifestyle one would like to share with a partner. If someone deliberately chooses not to state that big detail, I'd find it dishonest. If it's not an issue for someone, there's no harm in being up front about being confined to a wheelchair.
You are truly clueless and ableist, and I say that as a non-disabled person.
If someone posts pictures of themselves from 10 years when they were 100lbs lighter, would it make me a "fat shamer" if I found that dishonest?
While I know to an extent people want to present their best side in online dating profiles, not presenting truth (which I include not disclosing being confined to a wheelchair) is not a way to achieve success in the dating department. It's a compatibility issue - not a judgment about their competency, or choices, etc.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 08:37
Subject: Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair
OP, this sounds like a great first date. I'm glad you went and glad you had a good time.