I'd dump him. My friend dated a guy who was similar - had 2 kids that he never saw from a previous girlfriend. They wound up getting married, had a daughter, and got divorced. Once they were divorced, he no longer made any effort to see his daughter with my friend. He paid child support, that is it. Granted, the guy also had problems with alcohol, but he was employed and relatively functional, so I really don't view it as an excuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Isn't that wonderful? Being a parent isn't something you do for a few years.

Duh

You genuinely believe that this guy would be a terrible father to a child he had with OP, were they to get married? He told her the story up front. Why on earth would that be the case?

The sanctimony on here is mind-blowing, especially considering how many of you are probably married to guys who barely see their kids anyway for working so much.

Very untrue. I'm married to a man whose ex wife moved back across the country to live with her parents. He had NEVER gone a day without speaking to his son and in the early years together when money was tighter we would still spend what we had to to get him back there for weekend visits, holidays, summers etc. NO EXCUSE for deadbeat parenting especially when money isn't an issue as $3500 in child support would suggest it's not.

Also an 11 year old is not in daycare so I'm not buying that that amount is inflated by daycare costs. He's lying.

This all depends on when the order was issued and whether OP's b/f bothered to petition to modify it. If it was entered while the child was in daycare and, for whatever reason, OP's b/f never bothered to modify it he would still be paying the amount that includes the daycare.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband loves and wants to spend time with our child for his own sake, not just because he is married to me. Seeing a loving fatherly relationship, I would accept no less. OP, you don't have to either. You don't know how he would be if you have kids, but you do have one data point that isn't comforting, and you haven't been dating for that long.

I also find it very hard to believe that a man who has only visited his daughter ONCE a) sends $3500 a month and b) can make her believe that he'd be there for her if she needed him when he's not there any other time. But that's beside the point.

Give me a break. Is your husband a scared 21 year old?

Additionally, the mother moved when the kid was very young. How do you maintain a long distance relationship with a kid that doesn't talk? You need the mother to play intermediary to answer the phone... place phone calls etc. The mom need to explain to the kid who is sending letters and packages etc. A long distance relationship with a kid that young doesn't happen without the mom taking effort to help build that with the father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Isn't that wonderful? Being a parent isn't something you do for a few years.

Duh

You genuinely believe that this guy would be a terrible father to a child he had with OP, were they to get married? He told her the story up front. Why on earth would that be the case?

The sanctimony on here is mind-blowing, especially considering how many of you are probably married to guys who barely see their kids anyway for working so much.

Very untrue. I'm married to a man whose ex wife moved back across the country to live with her parents. He had NEVER gone a day without speaking to his son and in the early years together when money was tighter we would still spend what we had to to get him back there for weekend visits, holidays, summers etc. NO EXCUSE for deadbeat parenting especially when money isn't an issue as $3500 in child support would suggest it's not.

Also an 11 year old is not in daycare so I'm not buying that that amount is inflated by daycare costs. He's lying.

Not the same. He was married to his ex, I assume lived with his son at one point, and didn't have a child as a result of a one night stand after being told she was on BC.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

I'd do some more digging. He may have grown up. Mom may not want dad involved. I have a tuff time thinking he's paying that much in less he has a huge salary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scumbag

so the mother moves across the country with the child and the father is the "scumbag".... Why? The mother put major distance between the father and the child.

The father woudo have allowed this to happen or else was deemed not fit to have custody.

No judge is going to change custody except in extreme cases. My husband's ex allowed a move. You cannot hold a parent hostage.

Disagree. It doesn't work like that always. There is a guy who was very young (early 20s) and had a one night stand with a girl who became pregnant. She moved across the country even before the kid was born. He paid child support but hardly ever saw the kid (twice a year or something like that). I was shocked about that when I found out but its easy to judge other people. At the time I was married. Now I'm divorced and don't get to see my kids as often as I'd like. Walk a mile is someone else shoes...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$3500/month seems like a lot of child support. Are you sure that part is for real?

I thought maybe he didn't have enough cash to go visit, but if he's really paying this much, he has plenty. There is something to be said for not disrupting a kid's life, but he could get a hotel for a few weeks or so near her house and see her. And fly out near New Years to see her (give Christmas to mom). And so on. I'd want to see a little more effort, though honestly it is difficult with that much distance. But certainly not impossible.

Or, she could fly out to see dad as she's old enough now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Isn't that wonderful? Being a parent isn't something you do for a few years.

Duh

You genuinely believe that this guy would be a terrible father to a child he had with OP, were they to get married? He told her the story up front. Why on earth would that be the case?

The sanctimony on here is mind-blowing, especially considering how many of you are probably married to guys who barely see their kids anyway for working so much.

Very untrue. I'm married to a man whose ex wife moved back across the country to live with her parents. He had NEVER gone a day without speaking to his son and in the early years together when money was tighter we would still spend what we had to to get him back there for weekend visits, holidays, summers etc. NO EXCUSE for deadbeat parenting especially when money isn't an issue as $3500 in child support would suggest it's not.

Also an 11 year old is not in daycare so I'm not buying that that amount is inflated by daycare costs. He's lying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mother is remarried and new baby (so new sibling for daughter).
He says the daughter knows he will always be here for her, that he has made that clear. That he would drop everything for her if needed/wanted. He says he doesn't want to disrupt their life and 'force' a relationship.

No he wouldn't drop everything. He should have (at the age of 21) relocated to at least live near the child. Even if things weren't working with the mother. You aren't a parent yet--- believe me, it takes a special kind of soulless person to let their own flesh and blood just disappear out of their life. And teh child doesn't get to decide if it's an "intrusion" or not. It's a very easy and convenient excuse for his behavior. Like the $3500/month (LIE!!!)

Are you a father with an ex who makes your life hell? harasses you over the phone... called people at work... shows up at odd times angry out of the blue? Sometimes its better to blend into the background because it causes a massive amount of upset for the child.

I'm not saying that is the case with OP's BF but your blanket statement doesn't take into consideration all the factors that can exist.

My kids for example don't want their mom to know they talk to me because they feel a loyalty to her and she get upset with them when she thinks they have any sort of affection for me. Because of that I limit my communications to times when I know there mom isn't around. I don't see my kids as much as I would like. I'm just trying to make the kids like as trouble free as possible. I don't know what the OPs BF situation is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scumbag

so the mother moves across the country with the child and the father is the "scumbag".... Why? The mother put major distance between the father and the child.

The father woudo have allowed this to happen or else was deemed not fit to have custody.

No judge is going to change custody except in extreme cases. My husband's ex allowed a move. You cannot hold a parent hostage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scumbag

so the mother moves across the country with the child and the father is the "scumbag".... Why? The mother put major distance between the father and the child.

The father woudo have allowed this to happen or else was deemed not fit to have custody.

This is totally false since they weren't married.

Not in my BIL's case. Ex Gf had to go to court to be allowed to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scumbag

so the mother moves across the country with the child and the father is the "scumbag".... Why? The mother put major distance between the father and the child.

The father woudo have allowed this to happen or else was deemed not fit to have custody.

This is totally false since they weren't married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scumbag

so the mother moves across the country with the child and the father is the "scumbag".... Why? The mother put major distance between the father and the child.

The father woudo have allowed this to happen or else was deemed not fit to have custody.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Isn't that wonderful? Being a parent isn't something you do for a few years.

Duh

You genuinely believe that this guy would be a terrible father to a child he had with OP, were they to get married? He told her the story up front. Why on earth would that be the case?

The sanctimony on here is mind-blowing, especially considering how many of you are probably married to guys who barely see their kids anyway for working so much.

Anonymous wrote:Scumbag

so the mother moves across the country with the child and the father is the "scumbag".... Why? The mother put major distance between the father and the child.