Anonymous
10/18/2016 02:03
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).
Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.
Sigh.
But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.
Jesus, for the sake of men, I hope he's impotent or gay. I have no idea how any sane, healthy man couldn't keep his hands off of you. By the ton of your post, I'm guessing you have a high drive, so how do you maintain your sanity?
*a white knight suddenly appears*
Too many cucks on this site.
PP sounds like a self absorbed b*tch...no thanks.
Oh gosh! Those were the magic words! You successfully negged the PP and now she knows you are a TRUE ALPHA and she is head over heels in love with you. Roosh has taught you well. What a man!
Anonymous
10/17/2016 13:26
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Listen to your instincts OP. Your feelings on the matter are perfectly fine and valid and do not need to change.
Anonymous
10/17/2016 13:23
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for asking what I need and what my husband could do.
The answer is that he is - at least for the time being - too broken to face a request that he improve things.
We did a year of marriage counseling. He never got past the passive- aggressive stage where he turned my complaints (all in "I statements" per our therapists) into wounds I inflicted. It became worse than before our counseling began.
He simply can't be asked or he retreats into his shell and then blames me.
My hope is that will change when his situation is better.
Maybe sex will inspire him to make dinner and get out of bed on time.
I'm staying in the marriage and just letting myself get used to the idea that at least for the short term I'm doing the hard work.
Who knows -- maybe someday I'll be in a dark place and I'll be grateful he's seen what a partner does in the worst of times.
I'm also going to see about getting a second dog. Our beloved dog is very old and declining fast. I would like to have a running partner and give my husband a reason to take longer, brisk walks. Hope he gets on board after a month or so.
You not wanting to have sex with him has little to do with actual sex. It's everything else that is turning you off. It's almost impossible to be attracted to someone when you feel anger, resentment, fear... a whole host of negative emotions.
You can't change his behavior. You can try to change your feelings but, they are what they are.
You will have to choose between living in misery or taking the hard road of divorce.
I would suggest you go to therapy alone, if he won't go with you.
Anonymous
10/17/2016 12:51
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Until your husband gets real therapy to move past where he's stuck now, I doubt it's going to get better. Right now you're on a tightrope, where practically everything you do has the side effect of enabling him to stay as he is, while it slowly eats you up inside.
Anonymous
10/17/2016 09:54
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
OP here. Thanks for asking what I need and what my husband could do.
The answer is that he is - at least for the time being - too broken to face a request that he improve things.
We did a year of marriage counseling. He never got past the passive- aggressive stage where he turned my complaints (all in "I statements" per our therapists) into wounds I inflicted. It became worse than before our counseling began.
He simply can't be asked or he retreats into his shell and then blames me.
My hope is that will change when his situation is better.
Maybe sex will inspire him to make dinner and get out of bed on time.
I'm staying in the marriage and just letting myself get used to the idea that at least for the short term I'm doing the hard work.
Who knows -- maybe someday I'll be in a dark place and I'll be grateful he's seen what a partner does in the worst of times.
I'm also going to see about getting a second dog. Our beloved dog is very old and declining fast. I would like to have a running partner and give my husband a reason to take longer, brisk walks. Hope he gets on board after a month or so.
The answer is that he is - at least for the time being - too broken to face a request that he improve things.
We did a year of marriage counseling. He never got past the passive- aggressive stage where he turned my complaints (all in "I statements" per our therapists) into wounds I inflicted. It became worse than before our counseling began.
He simply can't be asked or he retreats into his shell and then blames me.
My hope is that will change when his situation is better.
Maybe sex will inspire him to make dinner and get out of bed on time.
I'm staying in the marriage and just letting myself get used to the idea that at least for the short term I'm doing the hard work.
Who knows -- maybe someday I'll be in a dark place and I'll be grateful he's seen what a partner does in the worst of times.
I'm also going to see about getting a second dog. Our beloved dog is very old and declining fast. I would like to have a running partner and give my husband a reason to take longer, brisk walks. Hope he gets on board after a month or so.
Anonymous
10/17/2016 04:51
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Your update broke my heart, OP. I'm so sorry. I hope things get better.
Anonymous
10/17/2016 02:48
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
I know it's tough, OP. Been in a similar situation.
There's no going back to how you used to feel. I think you would still benefit from having a therapist to vent to, to get out your resentments. You might end up finding a way to let go of some of the past, and maybe you and your husband could look at this as a new start. He has to do some things differently, and you have to find a way to put the past behind you, if possible. I don't know if it will be possible for you, OP.
If he could make it up to you, what would it take? Are there things he could step up? Put more into job hunting, for sure. What else? More at home? Promise to do certain things to maintain/improve his mental and physical health?
My husband and I have had talks about what he can do to make it up to me, because of things he did in the past that hurt me. We've gone over what he can do that will help make it easier for me to move forward with him, and he does these things daily.
It's still hard for me, and I have to consciously work on letting go of old resentments, fear, and anger, and focus on how I want my life to be.
Like a lot of people, I want a sex life and I want to feel safe, respected, and cared for by my partner. What do you want with your husband?
What are your fears, related to your husband? I'm afraid things will get worse again. I can't stop him from going back to how he was, but I can try learning to live with what's possible now. I can't undo any of the past, either. I'm afraid to be vulnerable, with good reason. It's hard to learn to live a compromise. Can you?
There's no going back to how you used to feel. I think you would still benefit from having a therapist to vent to, to get out your resentments. You might end up finding a way to let go of some of the past, and maybe you and your husband could look at this as a new start. He has to do some things differently, and you have to find a way to put the past behind you, if possible. I don't know if it will be possible for you, OP.
If he could make it up to you, what would it take? Are there things he could step up? Put more into job hunting, for sure. What else? More at home? Promise to do certain things to maintain/improve his mental and physical health?
My husband and I have had talks about what he can do to make it up to me, because of things he did in the past that hurt me. We've gone over what he can do that will help make it easier for me to move forward with him, and he does these things daily.
It's still hard for me, and I have to consciously work on letting go of old resentments, fear, and anger, and focus on how I want my life to be.
Like a lot of people, I want a sex life and I want to feel safe, respected, and cared for by my partner. What do you want with your husband?
What are your fears, related to your husband? I'm afraid things will get worse again. I can't stop him from going back to how he was, but I can try learning to live with what's possible now. I can't undo any of the past, either. I'm afraid to be vulnerable, with good reason. It's hard to learn to live a compromise. Can you?
Anonymous
10/16/2016 19:22
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).
Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.
Sigh.
But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.
Jesus, for the sake of men, I hope he's impotent or gay. I have no idea how any sane, healthy man couldn't keep his hands off of you. By the ton of your post, I'm guessing you have a high drive, so how do you maintain your sanity?
It is a desperate situation; it is extremely difficult being perfect.
but why doesn't she masturbate to orgasm to at least feel human one in awhile?
ahh, that is DH problem also, he is supposed to give her an orgasm!
another DCUM news alert.
Anonymous
10/16/2016 19:08
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I got it over with.
Didn't get drunk-- drinking makes me horny for about five minutes and then makes me cranky and tired.
Instead I got really ready and committed myself to see it through and look reasonably into it.
When the house was kid-free, the dog walked, and breakfast done I asked him if he'd like to give it a try and he said yes.
I followed through pretty convincingly. I also told him up front I wanted him not to do two things I really dislike (breathing heavily in my ear like a phone pervert and touching my thighs in a way that tickles). I said that nicely without the colorful analogy.
I fantasized the whole time and that helped with the show of enthusiasm. I also came, which I think is a testament to what a rock-solid fantasizer I am.
I waited to cry until he was in the shower and I was doing yard work.
Pretty sure I can do this once per week or so. He seems cautiously happy. I need to work up the capacity to kiss him.
Feeling filthy right now, and lonely, and somewhat grieving for my cocoon where at least my body is mine to give or keep.
Honestly, though, it's tougher to live with a defeated, depressed guy than to put out.
This experience helped me solidify my plans to leave my job and find something that pays far more. I don't want to be afraid about money anymore. I'd rather be less satisfied and better compensated at work than terrified my husband won't find anything and we'll go bankrupt.
There are some places I'd like to travel and hobbies I'd pursue if we had money. That could help me be happy enough to have sex a couple of times per week whether my husband gets his life together or not.
I also feel, for the first time in a long time, like I'm not the big problem he can blame for whatever he can't get done today.
There is just no way to stay married if one person wants sex and isn't getting it. Having sex will solve that one issue and I think once I get used to it again it'll be like any other obligation -- the office Christmas party. Most people don't know how much I dislike schmoozing because I'm an engaged conversation partner who makes people feel heard. So hopefully being married to the office Christmas party is workable.
OP, I'm sorry. It does get easier. I promise you.
Anonymous
10/16/2016 12:45
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
OP here.
I got it over with.
Didn't get drunk-- drinking makes me horny for about five minutes and then makes me cranky and tired.
Instead I got really ready and committed myself to see it through and look reasonably into it.
When the house was kid-free, the dog walked, and breakfast done I asked him if he'd like to give it a try and he said yes.
I followed through pretty convincingly. I also told him up front I wanted him not to do two things I really dislike (breathing heavily in my ear like a phone pervert and touching my thighs in a way that tickles). I said that nicely without the colorful analogy.
I fantasized the whole time and that helped with the show of enthusiasm. I also came, which I think is a testament to what a rock-solid fantasizer I am.
I waited to cry until he was in the shower and I was doing yard work.
Pretty sure I can do this once per week or so. He seems cautiously happy. I need to work up the capacity to kiss him.
Feeling filthy right now, and lonely, and somewhat grieving for my cocoon where at least my body is mine to give or keep.
Honestly, though, it's tougher to live with a defeated, depressed guy than to put out.
This experience helped me solidify my plans to leave my job and find something that pays far more. I don't want to be afraid about money anymore. I'd rather be less satisfied and better compensated at work than terrified my husband won't find anything and we'll go bankrupt.
There are some places I'd like to travel and hobbies I'd pursue if we had money. That could help me be happy enough to have sex a couple of times per week whether my husband gets his life together or not.
I also feel, for the first time in a long time, like I'm not the big problem he can blame for whatever he can't get done today.
There is just no way to stay married if one person wants sex and isn't getting it. Having sex will solve that one issue and I think once I get used to it again it'll be like any other obligation -- the office Christmas party. Most people don't know how much I dislike schmoozing because I'm an engaged conversation partner who makes people feel heard. So hopefully being married to the office Christmas party is workable.
I got it over with.
Didn't get drunk-- drinking makes me horny for about five minutes and then makes me cranky and tired.
Instead I got really ready and committed myself to see it through and look reasonably into it.
When the house was kid-free, the dog walked, and breakfast done I asked him if he'd like to give it a try and he said yes.
I followed through pretty convincingly. I also told him up front I wanted him not to do two things I really dislike (breathing heavily in my ear like a phone pervert and touching my thighs in a way that tickles). I said that nicely without the colorful analogy.
I fantasized the whole time and that helped with the show of enthusiasm. I also came, which I think is a testament to what a rock-solid fantasizer I am.
I waited to cry until he was in the shower and I was doing yard work.
Pretty sure I can do this once per week or so. He seems cautiously happy. I need to work up the capacity to kiss him.
Feeling filthy right now, and lonely, and somewhat grieving for my cocoon where at least my body is mine to give or keep.
Honestly, though, it's tougher to live with a defeated, depressed guy than to put out.
This experience helped me solidify my plans to leave my job and find something that pays far more. I don't want to be afraid about money anymore. I'd rather be less satisfied and better compensated at work than terrified my husband won't find anything and we'll go bankrupt.
There are some places I'd like to travel and hobbies I'd pursue if we had money. That could help me be happy enough to have sex a couple of times per week whether my husband gets his life together or not.
I also feel, for the first time in a long time, like I'm not the big problem he can blame for whatever he can't get done today.
There is just no way to stay married if one person wants sex and isn't getting it. Having sex will solve that one issue and I think once I get used to it again it'll be like any other obligation -- the office Christmas party. Most people don't know how much I dislike schmoozing because I'm an engaged conversation partner who makes people feel heard. So hopefully being married to the office Christmas party is workable.
Anonymous
10/05/2016 22:46
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Time to get drunk and get it over With!
Anonymous
10/05/2016 22:17
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).
Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.
Sigh.
But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.
Jesus, for the sake of men, I hope he's impotent or gay. I have no idea how any sane, healthy man couldn't keep his hands off of you. By the ton of your post, I'm guessing you have a high drive, so how do you maintain your sanity?
*a white knight suddenly appears*
Too many cucks on this site.
PP sounds like a self absorbed b*tch...no thanks.
Anonymous
10/05/2016 21:28
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
All I can say is that there will be a long line of women who will want to help you solve your problem....unless you are unreal!
Anonymous
10/05/2016 21:15
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).
Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.
Sigh.
But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.
Jesus, for the sake of men, I hope he's impotent or gay. I have no idea how any sane, healthy man couldn't keep his hands off of you. By the ton of your post, I'm guessing you have a high drive, so how do you maintain your sanity?
It is a desperate situation; it is extremely difficult being perfect.
don't know if ^this was the PP or someone else replying to my post, but I can only sympathize. My wife hasn't had any interest in sex more than once every 6-8 weeks. With 3 kids who we both adore, I am deeply conflicted in terms of what I should do. Yet, I do earn 5x as much as she does, and yet I have regularly (and still do) planned date nights, plan the big family vacations, take on roughly half of the kid duty (shuttling them around to practices, sports, events, etc.), do homework every night, maintained myself in terms of being in god shape, I dress really well, do the dishes, laundry, fix things around the house, etc., etc. When I am home or when I am with family, I am 100% present.
to make matters worse, I know there are moms (married and single moms who fit your own description) who have flirted and shown interest in me when I'm at one of our kid's school events - I kind of stick out as I'm a minority in an otherwise all-white, high income school. Do be honest, I have been tempted to return the flirtation, and even thought about the "what if" I would pursue it. But even though my love for my family has held me back from taking that step, I am near my own breaking point. I'm not perfect by any means, but I can tell you it feels incredible knowing that women want me as I haven't felt that for years now. My dilemma is can I keep my own sanity w/o succumbing to my own desires.
So my heart goes out to you, PP.
Anonymous
10/03/2016 09:48
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).
Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.
Sigh.
But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.
Jesus, for the sake of men, I hope he's impotent or gay. I have no idea how any sane, healthy man couldn't keep his hands off of you. By the ton of your post, I'm guessing you have a high drive, so how do you maintain your sanity?
It is a desperate situation; it is extremely difficult being perfect.