Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Anonymous wrote:This happens to vain sahms who relied on their looks and personalities to sustain them when they were younger. The rest of us, sahms who live a life of the mind, are not going through this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There's some, like 13 year old boy, or gross, fat 50 year old man, who always posts this. I hope you have a daughter, or eventually have a daughter, who can learn from you that she's worthless.

This is why I teach my daughter to hit the books, excel in school and not rely on men to validate her self-esteem.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No shit! I just went to my 20th HS reunion and the men were a MESS. Fat, bald, and sloppy. Many of the women looked amazing. They were fit and made the men look like absolute pigs. It was pretty funny seeing how the former hot jock was not a bloated mess.

Their wallet size overcomes their "sloppiness." Tell me you knew.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

I disagree. An affair only makes matters about billion times worse. Then you not only get to deal with aging, you get to deal with the guilt of being a dishonorable person too.

Stay out of the bars.

A lot of people won't or can't learn except through their own experience.We can tell her till she's blue in the face that an affair won't help BUT that's not going to stop most women in this position. She's insecure and hurting and probably feeling her mortality in a real way for the first time. The passion and excitement of a new affair will feel like it's reviving her and make her feel young again. That's why people do it. That's why it's a cliche! Affairs do make things worse but they also have a way of clearing the decks and making you seeing reality clearly again. If a couple can hold on through the worst of it, their marriages typically emerge even stronger than before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at some point it hits us all that we are getting older. The time does come when we don't get carded or realize that we're not really turning heads the way that we used to.

It's a reality that we all face and I don't know that it is ever a welcome reality. In fact, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. And you have to adjust the way that you view yourself.

I suppose you can go the botox, lipo, boob job, tummy tuck route - whatever it takes to hold on to your youth for a little while longer while you refocus and put your energy into things that mean something to you.

This runs counter to the media messages I've received that women dress to feel good about themselves and not to look good to others and that women don't like receiving unsolicited attention based on their looks.

I always figured these messages were only half true and that women usually wanted to look good and receive attention from attractive men and to be left alone and ignored by unattractive men.

This is true, lol. In my experience, women don't like obnoxious attention from men. Catcalls are gross. Obvious pickups can be gross, depending on what or how it is said. Subtle checking out or a smile, sending over a free drink, fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are you doing to make her know you still desire her? What I would want in this situation is for my husband to start courting me again. Surprise her with exciting weekends away. Show interest in HER interests. Arrange date nights. Bring flowers. Get her drunk and have outrageous sex like young people have. Not married people "oh we haven't done it in a week so might as well get it over with" sex.

At the same time, encourage her to develop a new interest or occupation outside of the children.

This is a good idea. Give her the excitement of a new affair with YOU so that she doesn't look elsewhere for it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are you doing to make her know you still desire her? What I would want in this situation is for my husband to start courting me again. Surprise her with exciting weekends away. Show interest in HER interests. Arrange date nights. Bring flowers. Get her drunk and have outrageous sex like young people have. Not married people "oh we haven't done it in a week so might as well get it over with" sex.

At the same time, encourage her to develop a new interest or occupation outside of the children.