I just don't understand why people are telling OP to wait until he definitely cheats. Isn't the goal to confront before he cheats? Wouldn't it be way more difficult to reconcile after he has sex with someone?

Just because you don't see evidence on the home computer doesn't mean he hasn't done anything yet. If you are around, how can he use the home computer? He might be using his phone, tablet, work computer, etc.

Anonymous wrote:The lack of communication in your marriage is your biggest problem. Instead of reaching out to us, you should be discussing this with him. If you don't get straight answers, then see a lawyer. Best of luck.

This is stupid...and give him the chance to deny, deny, deny? I've been through this...Do your research, gather your evidence, before ever confronting.

Anonymous wrote:I can't even believe I'm writing this, I never in a million years thought my husband would do this. I found out recently he lied to me about something little but because of it I've been wondering if I should be trusting him so completely. So just now I went on his computer and read his email. I found that he had recently set up a new email address. I was able to login to the new email and found that he had registered for a website for sugar daddys. I couldn't log in to his profile but I made a fake profile and I think I found his. There's no pic so I can't tell for sure but I'm 99% sure it's his based on when it says he joined. It says he's married but looking for something else. I don't know what to do now. I want to confront him but I also feel like I need time to process what I want to do. But I'm sitting here in tears trying to make dinner for our very young children knowing he's going to be home soon and I really don't know what to do.

Welcome to the club.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

OP here. I do agree with this. That's why I was contemplating saying something last night BUT if I do that then I'll always wonder if he would have done something more and I don't think I will ever 100% trust him. My hope is that I'll monitor things for a month or so and find nothing in which case I think I'll be better able to move on. I just feel so stupid for thinking he would never ever consider cheating on me. My brain tells me I'm better off discussing this now and working on our marriage rather than waiting for him to do something worse but I really don't think I can move on even with the help of therapy without knowing more.

OP, since I am anonymous, let me give you some insight into, perhaps, his thinking:

I had a couple short affairs when the kids were about the same age as your kids. One was business travel that was a one-nighter (not full sex but everything but). The other was a half-dozen meetups with a woman also in a good marriage with relatively little sex. I was uber careful to cover my tracks. Wife never found out about either.

I have what I would call a really good marriage and if you ask my wife, she says she married the best guy around. We really laugh well together, travel well, parent well, lots of love and fun and a great connection. So why did I screw around - well, probably for the same reason that many men cheat, which is the thrill, the feeling of being desired and not having the duty sex that was all that was ever on the table, the fun of exploring with someone new. Now that the kids are older, we are back to a fun, healthy sex life and I am so damn lucky I was never caught. I assume we will grow old together, happily.

I doubt wife has ever cheated on me, but I am also very cognizant that many of us can do things we wouldn't normally do. I wouldn't want to know if she did.

My sense is that your husband hasn't cheated, yet, on this site. He is probably curious, although the fact he is on a sugar baby site means he is looking for something other than just sex. He is looking for validation and an on-going relationship. That is more of a red-flag than if he was on a regular hookup app like tindr.

I think you should confront him. Men, especially, are really good at compartmentalization. You will probably scare him straight. If you truly have a good marriage, one worth saving, then wake him up to the fact that he is about to lose it all for a fling. Most men who are happy in a relationship who would cheat, wouldn't say cheating is worth it if they get caught, if that makes sense.

Yes, chances are he won't confess to an affair, even if he has had one. Chances are also that he will realize that he almost lost his family. Perhaps it leads to a deeper discussion and he can open up to you about why he was on that particular site.

I look at it this way: If you say nothing and track him, at a minimum you are going to see and find things you will never unsee and will probably end up divorced whether he actually cheats or just flirts with young girls online. If you say something now, you may cut it off before he cheats, and live happily ever after.

Um, yeah....keep watching. It doesn't look so accidental or innocent-ish anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would message him from your fake profile. See if he answers.

That's what I would do now, after having been cheated on. Get as much knowledge as you can. Arrange a meeting with him from your profile, see what kind of excuse he uses if/when he leaves for the meeting. That kind of thing.

What I might do, is arrange a meeting. Then when he should be meeting with you, send him a text telling him you need him to come home ASAP. That's when you confront him. Where did he go? Then show him printouts of the messages and tell him that profile is yours, setting him up.

From what I can tell he's had a bunch of messages over the last 3 days since he joined but he hasn't actually read any of them or gone on the site again since the day he set it up.

A lot of men will make accounts on sites like this that they're never going to use, just to check out the porn-y images women will post. I wouldn't see it as different than porn usage, assuming he doesn't actually have any intention of acting on it.

That's what I'd like to think but then why did he google "how to online do dating" and "how to pick a good screen name for online dating." I'd still like to think he had a momentary lapse in judgement, especially since he hasn't done anything since he made the profile but it seems like a lot of work for some porn...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.

+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.

Could a key logger be easily loaded on an iPad without being detected? Not really a joint iPad, pretty much just used by DH. Sorry, but all of this is new to me

A key logger installed on a device that is not jointly owned is illegal.

Anonymous wrote:One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

OP here. I do agree with this. That's why I was contemplating saying something last night BUT if I do that then I'll always wonder if he would have done something more and I don't think I will ever 100% trust him. My hope is that I'll monitor things for a month or so and find nothing in which case I think I'll be better able to move on. I just feel so stupid for thinking he would never ever consider cheating on me. My brain tells me I'm better off discussing this now and working on our marriage rather than waiting for him to do something worse but I really don't think I can move on even with the help of therapy without knowing more.

Anonymous wrote:One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

These are wise words.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would message him from your fake profile. See if he answers.

That's what I would do now, after having been cheated on. Get as much knowledge as you can. Arrange a meeting with him from your profile, see what kind of excuse he uses if/when he leaves for the meeting. That kind of thing.

What I might do, is arrange a meeting. Then when he should be meeting with you, send him a text telling him you need him to come home ASAP. That's when you confront him. Where did he go? Then show him printouts of the messages and tell him that profile is yours, setting him up.

From what I can tell he's had a bunch of messages over the last 3 days since he joined but he hasn't actually read any of them or gone on the site again since the day he set it up.

A lot of men will make accounts on sites like this that they're never going to use, just to check out the porn-y images women will post. I wouldn't see it as different than porn usage, assuming he doesn't actually have any intention of acting on it.

One day in the future when we are all subjected to key loggers, GPS trackers and covert recordings of internet search histories, we will get over the fact that most people, at some point in their long marriages, have done something that would deeply hurt their partner if it was uncovered.

Put me in the willfully blind camp. If I were OP, I would evaluate the marriage, see if its something that is a net positive or negative and if its a positive, address the issue upfront and see if you can get back to your net-positive marriage. Sometimes, it seems better to be happy than to be right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a keylogger so you can see if he is deleting his history.

+1. Installing a keylogger was educational, to say the least. The cheating I knew about was just the tip of the iceberg. The key logger let me see how really dysfunctional he was and made it clear that I should not continue to spend time or energy on him. The key logger was the best money/time spent, because I had PROOF instead of being gaslighted by him.

If I had listened to his professions of remorse and his deep desire to stay together and pledges of love, he would have literally sucked the life out of me.

Thank god for key loggers.

Could a key logger be easily loaded on an iPad without being detected? Not really a joint iPad, pretty much just used by DH. Sorry, but all of this is new to me

Anonymous wrote:If you use Firefox, open that and go to the internet options, saved passwords or master passwords or whatever and write down every password he has ever used. I wouldnt say a word until I had access to everything. . and I would load a GPS tracker on his phone. . .

Actually - a GPS tracker on his phone may already be installed via Google Maps: http://junkee.com/google-maps-has-been-tracking-your-every-move-and-theres-a-website-to-prove-it/39639


As far as keyloggers, just google best keylogger and see what comes up. You want one that you can access remotely and is hidden from other users.

If you use Firefox, open that and go to the internet options, saved passwords or master passwords or whatever and write down every password he has ever used. I wouldnt say a word until I had access to everything. . and I would load a GPS tracker on his phone. . .