Anonymous
Post 05/12/2016 14:46     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:So, my brother's family has decided to hold my nephews Bar Mitzvah in Israel. They will be paying for a 3 day tour package for every guest. Airfare and any extended tour is up to the guests to manage. According to my brother, the grandparents, only other uncle, and a handful of other relatives are excited and thrilled to attend.

We are not. I could list about a half dozen reasons, but, at the end of the day, my family of four is not taking a vacation to Israel. So, basically, it's about me flying there solely for a 2 hour ceremony. One of the multiple reasons we are not going is I have severe flight anxiety, so basically this is not fun, it's actually rather horrifying, and I'd rather do the trip as quickly as possible and without my children. (This is not, by far, the only reason, but it's the only reason still in play if I alone go just for the ceremony)

My brother told me straight out that our family's not attending would be a big statement about both our relationship and my commitment to Judism. Basically, because we have taken long, expensive vacations in the past, we have no excuse for not doing this one. I find off of this extremely insulting. I'm still getting massive grief about just going for two days.

Honestly, I'd just blow the whole thing off if it weren't for the fact that my daughters Bat Mitzbah is 18 months later, and it would break her hear and mine if there were any tit for tat boycotting. However, the fact that if having family there is a priority, it would make sense not to make it hundreds of miles away from family.


You can tell your brother that his ostentatious unnecessary huge expenditure of other people's money on a kid's Bar Mitzvah is a big statement on his avaricious materialism and status-seeking which negates the whole point of what a Bar Mitzvah should be all about.
Anonymous
Post 05/12/2016 12:32     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:OP I have travelled overseas before for a weekend for a wedding, so I am no stranger to the idea of long expensive flights for short events. But it seems totally crazy to me that you are going to fly to Israel just to attend a 2 hour Bat Mitzvah ceremony. It's your choice, obviously, but it's a huge amount of money, you will apparently suffer extreme anxiety throughout the flight, you will not enjoy the experience, and your niece will barely even know that you were there. And your brother will give you maybe, what, 1/4 credit on his Official Scorecard of My Sister's Commitment to Judaism and Family. Sounds hideous. But, it's your choice. Just please own it and don't apologize to your brother that you and your family are not making even more sacrifices for this.


This is really what it comes down to. The brother has turned this from an invitation into a test. A test that costs a lot of money, time, and anxiety medication to pass. Not fair. He's allowed to feel disappointed that your family isn't coming for the ten-day tour, but he's being a dick about it.

Here's the deal: If you have a destination event, your are an asshole if you expect people to sacrifice their time and money to attend it and get pissy if they don't. I don't care if it's your dad or your sister or your aunt or your best friend from high school. If you decide that attending this specific event, despite the fact that you've intentionally made it less convenient for absolutely everyone on your guest list, is a referendum on how much people love and support you, you are an asshole. If it's so important that people attend, then pay for their airfare and hotel. Oh, you don't want to? Then why the fuck should they?

If you have a destination event, some people will not be able to attend. They might not have enough vacation time or money (and no, you can't expect them to dip into their savings). The only thing you can do as a decent human being is invite them, graciously accept their regrets, and move on.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 22:28     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
OP I have travelled overseas before for a weekend for a wedding, so I am no stranger to the idea of long expensive flights for short events. But it seems totally crazy to me that you are going to fly to Israel just to attend a 2 hour Bat Mitzvah ceremony. It's your choice, obviously, but it's a huge amount of money, you will apparently suffer extreme anxiety throughout the flight, you will not enjoy the experience, and your niece will barely even know that you were there. And your brother will give you maybe, what, 1/4 credit on his Official Scorecard of My Sister's Commitment to Judaism and Family. Sounds hideous. But, it's your choice. Just please own it and don't apologize to your brother that you and your family are not making even more sacrifices for this.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 22:28     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
Well since you fully admit that you are prepared to travel extensively and expensively again for your own pleasure, I can see why any financial and health excuses will sound like blatent lies. So just be honest that you don't want to go. Explain that it's not because you don't support the event but that you have hesitations for political, religious and group travel reasons. Tell him that you can't help it if he judges you accordingly but that you have to be honest and do what works for you. And then just be big enough to own your decision and the consequences of it - whatever they may be. You can't control people's opinions, just your reaction to them. He may be hurt and you have to see his side just as much as your own. Remind him again that you love and support your nephew/niece (it was a nephew at first but it seems to have morphed into a niece later so I'm not sure where the post derailed and which it really is) and are happy he/she is getting the opportunity to celebrate in a place so meaningful to him/her.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 20:06     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
I really wish you didn't go to Any of it. Your brother pisses me off
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 19:16     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
Here are your options:

1) Go for the event. I would not do this b/c I'm not uber religious and I think that would be an ABSURD amount of money for an event like this. People who have destination events -and my wedding was one- have to know and accept many people won't come (like I did).
2) Don't go. Your reasons are not unreasonable (cost, time off work, short duration of the trip, etc.) The fact that you take other vacations is irrelevant. This is perfect time to start setting boundaries. And kindly tell your brother that if anyone is going to poison the well here by retribution or whatever, it is him.
3) Go and add on a vacation somewhere, Israel or somewhere else. This is what I would do (stay a day or two more there and then head off someplace else).
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 14:25     Subject: Re:So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.


OP here. I've really enjoyed reading all the responses. It has definitely helped clarify my thinking.

At the end of the day, I really can't give one excellent excuse as to why we are not going on the full tour. Because, in reality, we will almost certainly take one more family vacation that is as long, as expensive, and involves flying. But, you know what, I know myself and my immediate family well enough to know that a group travel experience to Israel would be a completely miserable experience. It is honestly the perfect storm of politics, religion, and group travel dynamics that have made for some pretty spectacular disasters over the last decade. And, I'm just going to own that I'm not willing to spend that amount of financial, temporal, or emotional resources on a miserable experience. I am willing to spend the resources necessary to attend the main event. And, if that calculus seems crazy to even a reasonable outsider it's still what works for our family.



That calculus doesn't seem crazy to me at all. It seems very sensible and well thought out. If it would be miserable for you to do the full tour, do not do it. Your brother is wrong to try to guilt you in to it. You're already putting yourself way out to attend the bat mitzvah itself. You don't owe him your presence on a full tour that will be so unpleasant for you.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 14:23     Subject: Re:So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.


OP here. I've really enjoyed reading all the responses. It has definitely helped clarify my thinking.

At the end of the day, I really can't give one excellent excuse as to why we are not going on the full tour. Because, in reality, we will almost certainly take one more family vacation that is as long, as expensive, and involves flying. But, you know what, I know myself and my immediate family well enough to know that a group travel experience to Israel would be a completely miserable experience. It is honestly the perfect storm of politics, religion, and group travel dynamics that have made for some pretty spectacular disasters over the last decade. And, I'm just going to own that I'm not willing to spend that amount of financial, temporal, or emotional resources on a miserable experience. I am willing to spend the resources necessary to attend the main event. And, if that calculus seems crazy to even a reasonable outsider it's still what works for our family.



You don't need to give a reason. "No" is a complete sentence.


You can repeat to your brother, per Miss Manners, "That isn't going to work for me." And leave it at that, and/or follow with "But I will be there for the ceremony and am so excited for her bat mitzvah. I'm sure she will do wonderfully." Etc.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 14:14     Subject: Re:So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.


OP here. I've really enjoyed reading all the responses. It has definitely helped clarify my thinking.

At the end of the day, I really can't give one excellent excuse as to why we are not going on the full tour. Because, in reality, we will almost certainly take one more family vacation that is as long, as expensive, and involves flying. But, you know what, I know myself and my immediate family well enough to know that a group travel experience to Israel would be a completely miserable experience. It is honestly the perfect storm of politics, religion, and group travel dynamics that have made for some pretty spectacular disasters over the last decade. And, I'm just going to own that I'm not willing to spend that amount of financial, temporal, or emotional resources on a miserable experience. I am willing to spend the resources necessary to attend the main event. And, if that calculus seems crazy to even a reasonable outsider it's still what works for our family.



You don't need to give a reason. "No" is a complete sentence.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 13:28     Subject: Re:So annoyed about destination event
That is an absolutely reasonable analysis, OP. And you don't have to go through it all and justify it to your brother, just tell him that it will not work for the whole family to come, or for you to do the extended tour, but you care very much about his daughter and definitely will make sacrifices to come yourself for the ceremony and celebrate with her and the family.



Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 12:36     Subject: Re:So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.


OP here. I've really enjoyed reading all the responses. It has definitely helped clarify my thinking.

At the end of the day, I really can't give one excellent excuse as to why we are not going on the full tour. Because, in reality, we will almost certainly take one more family vacation that is as long, as expensive, and involves flying. But, you know what, I know myself and my immediate family well enough to know that a group travel experience to Israel would be a completely miserable experience. It is honestly the perfect storm of politics, religion, and group travel dynamics that have made for some pretty spectacular disasters over the last decade. And, I'm just going to own that I'm not willing to spend that amount of financial, temporal, or emotional resources on a miserable experience. I am willing to spend the resources necessary to attend the main event. And, if that calculus seems crazy to even a reasonable outsider it's still what works for our family.



This is a great and reasonable response. I guess you also have to be prepared for various family members to then "boycott" your daughter's Bat Mitzvah. Just be at peace with that as well.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 12:34     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:Op does your brother often act like he is actually God? If anyone told me that if I did X it would OMG question my commitment to my religion, and that person was not God incarnate (well, or at least a religious leader) I would laugh at them.


OP again. I love my brother. And, he's one of the few people, sometimes even better than my spouse, in the world who I think accepts and loves the "quirks" in my personality.

However, I consider my flavor of Judaism extremely considered, thoughtful, and meaningful to me. And I don't begrudge him his spiritual path. But they really both diverged from our childhood. I've had to learn to shrug off many little digs over the years.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 12:28     Subject: Re:So annoyed about destination event
Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of saying no to things I don't want to do. The end. But I have to wonder if the long and expensive vacations you've taken were also long flights? If so you can't use/ and shouldn't use flight anxiety as a a reason to not go.


OP here. I've really enjoyed reading all the responses. It has definitely helped clarify my thinking.

At the end of the day, I really can't give one excellent excuse as to why we are not going on the full tour. Because, in reality, we will almost certainly take one more family vacation that is as long, as expensive, and involves flying. But, you know what, I know myself and my immediate family well enough to know that a group travel experience to Israel would be a completely miserable experience. It is honestly the perfect storm of politics, religion, and group travel dynamics that have made for some pretty spectacular disasters over the last decade. And, I'm just going to own that I'm not willing to spend that amount of financial, temporal, or emotional resources on a miserable experience. I am willing to spend the resources necessary to attend the main event. And, if that calculus seems crazy to even a reasonable outsider it's still what works for our family.

Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 12:28     Subject: So annoyed about destination event
Op does your brother often act like he is actually God? If anyone told me that if I did X it would OMG question my commitment to my religion, and that person was not God incarnate (well, or at least a religious leader) I would laugh at them.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2016 12:14     Subject: Re:So annoyed about destination event
I don't feel a need to give reasons why I can't attend something. Hard for me to understand fMilies where this is different, like my dh. I don't need to explain my rationale behind decision. I can't attend. End of story. You don't owe explanations and reasoning.