Anonymous wrote:^^^^ I went back and read some of your answers OP. It sounds like you're judging him for failing to live up to your standards academically. Not that what he said to you is ok- it's not- but he could be rebelling against what he perceives is your judgment that he is not up to your standard. That would make sense, given what he is saying when he's lashing out at you. Children need limits. They also need to feel loved unconditionally, not because they get good grades. If I were in your position I'd do two things. I'd lay off the academic pressure, and I'd stress that it's more important to be kind and respectful than to get good grades. And when he's disrespectful, I'd take his favorite thing away.

Yes, maybe his point is not that you aren't good enough (money, career), OP, but that you didn't do all of the things you seem to be pushing him to do, so lay off.

The conversation needs to be about integrity, responsibility, doing the work you are required to do, and not about some specific achievement goals.

For example, you have paid work responsibilities and domestic work responsibilities. Some are for your benefit, but they are more importantly for the benefit of your family, your workplace, and your patients. If you just decided to stop trying at any one of your jobs, a lot of people would suffer. He needs to understand school as his job. He doesn't have to earn a Nobel prize, but he does have to do his classwork.

^^^^ I went back and read some of your answers OP. It sounds like you're judging him for failing to live up to your standards academically. Not that what he said to you is ok- it's not- but he could be rebelling against what he perceives is your judgment that he is not up to your standard. That would make sense, given what he is saying when he's lashing out at you. Children need limits. They also need to feel loved unconditionally, not because they get good grades. If I were in your position I'd do two things. I'd lay off the academic pressure, and I'd stress that it's more important to be kind and respectful than to get good grades. And when he's disrespectful, I'd take his favorite thing away.

How would a hospital run without nurses? Nurses are major part of healthcare. I think you should stick up for your profession. No way would I tolerate that kind of disrespect.

No, I'm sorry. Not ok. I feel like an old person saying this, but I never spoke like that to my parents. I did the teenage eye rolling and all that annoying stuff, but that kind of disrespectful language would have gotten me grounded, no phone, no tv, etc. OP, you will do your son a favor by teaching him that he can not speak to you that way. You will do his future wife and colleagues the same favor.

No, I don't have teenagers. I do have a sassy threenager who I know is going to give me hell in about 10 years. So I am setting limits now. Disrespect is not tolerated. Maybe I am being naive here, and OP I'm not saying you're doing something wrong, but maybe you have to change your tactics. He doesn't think you make enough money? Well then he doesn't get any since you have to save it all for yourself. He wants to go to the movies with his friends? Too bad. Seriously. He doesn't run the show.

Anonymous wrote:I would point out that "we" do not have lots of money. You and his father earn money. He does not.

I would also recommend this book:

Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement

+1. Pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

How would you feel if your son became a nurse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a Bachelors degree in nursing. I work PT as an RN.

My son is 14. He is gifted, IQ 135. He is also lazy and gets mediocre marks. When I have talks with him about getting into a good college and getting a good job, he says things like:
How much money do you make? I will make way more.
You are only rich because dad makes a lot of money.


When I talk about him reaching his potential, he says things like:
Why didn't YOU go to medical school?
Why didn't YOU reach your potential?
Oh, wow you're a nurse, big deal.
Then he will remark that I am not gifted and he is and he is smarter than me.

This is utterly disrespectful and I'm clearly just venting. Any advice?

I'm a mom of four grown kids. One high schooler. Two of mine are "highly gifted", whatever that means.

My thoughts - You created this. Your son didn't turn into a little ass overnight. You had better get him under control now or you are going to be in for a miserable four + years.

If one of my kids talked to me like that, his entire would come crashing down on him like a brick house. He would have a matress and basic clothing in his room and that's it. No phone, no computer, nothing but the absolute minimum. You need to ask yourself why you would tolerate disrespect from anyone, especially a child that you provide for. Also, if one of my boys had talked to me like that. My husband would have jumped to my defense.

You raised a disrespectful brat with an over-inflated sense of self-worth. It may honestly be too late to turn this around without a lot of help.

What is with these punishers? You will only breed resentment from punishing. Kids who learn by punishment will try to punish their way through life, and that's what this child is doing. Better would be to have a conversation that gets at the heart of the feelings that are making him lash out. That's where learning comes in. If the only way he learns to dela with things he doesn't like is to punish the other person in some way, he will not learn to be empathetic, compassionate, and honest about his feelings. Please talk this through with him, though it may be too late.

You can do both -- punish and talk. It shows the teen that there are consequences to the things you say and do, and this kind of thing is not acceptable. Stop with the coddling. The 14 yr old is way too old for that.

This isn't just being a teenager. He is a snob. How does he treat other people, waiters? Grocery workers? Janitor at school? He has picked up from somewhere that some jobs are below others. I have a teenage daughter that has a job and teases me that she makes more than I do (I stay at home). If she ever seriously made comments about my worth she would have two jobs.

I don't think this is as novel as people are making it out to be. Lots of teens think they have everything all figured out. They think they'll do better than mom and dad. And they think success = money. None of these is sooo shocking. I just think most teens have enough fear of their parents (or common sense) -- not to go around voicing it. Since he has voiced it, you handle it with the same kind of punishment that you'd lay down if he were mean to grandma.

As for the rest, keep saying what you're supposed to say and eventually it'll click -- though keep in mind it may not be until college that he realizes that mom and dad aren't totally dumb and sometimes you have to pursue what you want to do, not just money.

2 concrete thoughts though -- he's obviously acquiring attitudes about money whether from home or private school or wherever, so I'd require him (and your other child) to get jobs as soon as they're legally allowed. I don't mean made up jobs they do for you or the neighbors, but actual retail or fast food jobs -- where they start to realize how hard it is to make money, deal with bosses, see what it's like for coworkers for whom this isn't just "extra" money etc.

I'd lay down the law re whatever grades you expect and then punish appropriately if he doesn't work hard enough to achieve them. He obviously has the "gifted" idea in his head -- whether bc of you or the school or wherever. You need to be a broken record between now and college saying -- it does not matter if you're gifted bc you can't walk into a room and announce your gifted status, you have to SHOW people who talented you are by your grades, college degree, etc.

When I talk about him reaching his potential, he says things like:
Why didn't YOU go to medical school?
Why didn't YOU reach your potential?

I kind of think he has a point here. In this area, we push kids so much to "reach their potential" instead of figuring out what will make them happy and making a life around that. For some, it is getting the best education and the best job possible within their potential because having the big house, the big paycheck and private school for their kids is what makes them happy. But for others, higher education and earning lots of money aren't what makes them happy. I recently met a young man (late 20s) who was lamenting all of his student loans that he took out to get a degree in engineering. What he really wanted to do was work on cars, but his parents were disappointed in him, so he took the loans and got the degree. In the end, he went back to school is is happy with his career as an automotive technician, but he's stuck with these loans that his parents pushed him to take out.

I'm not saying that your son isn't disrespectful. I'm also not saying he's working hard enough in school. I'm just saying that he has a point even if he isn't expressing well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a Bachelors degree in nursing. I work PT as an RN.

My son is 14. He is gifted, IQ 135. He is also lazy and gets mediocre marks. When I have talks with him about getting into a good college and getting a good job, he says things like:
How much money do you make? I will make way more.
You are only rich because dad makes a lot of money.


When I talk about him reaching his potential, he says things like:
Why didn't YOU go to medical school?
Why didn't YOU reach your potential?
Oh, wow you're a nurse, big deal.
Then he will remark that I am not gifted and he is and he is smarter than me.

This is utterly disrespectful and I'm clearly just venting. Any advice?

I'm a mom of four grown kids. One high schooler. Two of mine are "highly gifted", whatever that means.

My thoughts - You created this. Your son didn't turn into a little ass overnight. You had better get him under control now or you are going to be in for a miserable four + years.

If one of my kids talked to me like that, his entire would come crashing down on him like a brick house. He would have a matress and basic clothing in his room and that's it. No phone, no computer, nothing but the absolute minimum. You need to ask yourself why you would tolerate disrespect from anyone, especially a child that you provide for. Also, if one of my boys had talked to me like that. My husband would have jumped to my defense.

You raised a disrespectful brat with an over-inflated sense of self-worth. It may honestly be too late to turn this around without a lot of help.

What is with these punishers? You will only breed resentment from punishing. Kids who learn by punishment will try to punish their way through life, and that's what this child is doing. Better would be to have a conversation that gets at the heart of the feelings that are making him lash out. That's where learning comes in. If the only way he learns to dela with things he doesn't like is to punish the other person in some way, he will not learn to be empathetic, compassionate, and honest about his feelings. Please talk this through with him, though it may be too late.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to put him in his place. Being in gifted classes means nothing, having high IQ means nothing, till you put in some hard work to make something out of yourself. You are not teaching him what really matters in life , which is hard work and respect. When I read posts like this it makes my blood boil.

Why would it make your blood boil?

Because It is unacceptable for a child to be so disrespectful towards a parent, teenager or not.

Anonymous wrote:You need to put him in his place. Being in gifted classes means nothing, having high IQ means nothing, till you put in some hard work to make something out of yourself. You are not teaching him what really matters in life , which is hard work and respect. When I read posts like this it makes my blood boil.

Why would it make your blood boil?

Sounds like Axl Heck on The Middle.

You need to put him in his place. Being in gifted classes means nothing, having high IQ means nothing, till you put in some hard work to make something out of yourself. You are not teaching him what really matters in life , which is hard work and respect. When I read posts like this it makes my blood boil.