Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 19:27     Subject: DH ocd
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

To answer people's questions, we are both from (different) Asian cultures. We were both born here.

To all those who are telling me to leave, can you please just tell me how the courts would see it, in terms of custody? I asked this question before - he's not abusive (physically) or verbally in the traditional sense (never uses words like idiot, stupid, shut up, curse words) or has ever done anything unethical (affair, cheating on taxes, stealing, etc.). HE GIVES FREE MEDICAL CARE TO HOMELESS PEOPLE. He comes to almost every school meeting, every performance, every game, and tries to be home for tuck-in time. He's just pedantic and inflexible and thinks his way of doing everything is the better way. How would courts see this in terms of custody? I've spoken with my cousin about this (attorney) who seemed doubtful that it would be *anything* but joint custody...

Should I just protect myself and get out, and not worry that they'll be left to be "beaten down" (emotionally) half the time without me to buffer?


Sounds like you are married to my brother. Poor you. Personally, I don't know how you lasted this long. Only piece of advise is that once the kids are a little older and more independent, try to work more hours to stay out of the house. You can divorce once the kids leave for college. No joint custody then.
Shineshelly
Post 04/20/2016 18:26     Subject: Re:DH ocd
Hi there, I can definitely see how living with someone with such high expectations for those around them, can be frustrating and defeating. From what you've said, it sounds like you do more than enough in being a fruitful and productive mother and wife!

I think many of us have leanings toward being a perfectionist in certain areas. It is always a good thing to identify these areas and figure out the root cause. For myself, certain perfectionist tendencies have stemmed from insecurity. Consider going a little deeper with him to find out what is driving his thinking? Fear of failure? Of loss or embarrassment? Reputation? Pride? I think it is very perceptive of you to see that he was raised in a similar manner. I wonder if you asked him how being a child under hard-charging parent(s) made him feel growing up would go? Maybe appealing to him to understand how his 'soft-demands' make you feel weary and sub-par would yield a productive conversation. Hopefully once he understands how demeaning he comes across, he will reevaluate his approach.

I encourage you to continue in counseling to maintain a balanced outlook on all of this. Hang in there. Praying for you and your family!
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 14:46     Subject: Re:DH ocd
Anonymous wrote:My first husband was similar, a real control freak. I couldn't divorce him at the time for many reasons so I encouraged him to work more, and I kept busy so I didn't have to see him as much. He couldn't nag, complain or bitch if I wasn't in the room. I'm a person though that can find happiness on my own, not all women are like that. At this point I would stay since your kids are little, but let him sound off to the wind. Parent the kids the way you want, take them out to eat and be gone a few nights during the week. Take a flower arranging class or some hobby or go to a friends...Leave dinner for what's his name..or tell him he's on his own that night.

Honestly divorced with kids can be a bigger nightmare so keep that in mind. Enjoy your kids and disengage from his nonsense. Not worth arguing, plus he has to be gone a lot with his wackiness and awards, lol. When I finally divorced my husband I had 3 friends who said I was crazy. They said they would love a husband that works all the time for the lifestyle we had. They were probably right.


I am not the OP, but my husband is similar. I really appreciate this advice, and I have been thinking about it for the past couple of days. I actually do like my husband, but parenting with him has been such a challenge. I have been letting him do his own thing the past couple of days whenever I can. Not asking him to be involved with the kids, and things at more peaceful. He did take our six year old down to the basement to study Chinese for an hour last night (we are both German). But I am considering just encouraging him to work more. It's what he wants to do anyway.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 14:20     Subject: DH ocd
Start saving up for your kids' therapy bills.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 14:16     Subject: DH ocd
Anonymous wrote:I said earlier it didn't sound like anxiety. I thought he sounded so calm about everything, like he's just this super efficient person in life who doesn't get why other people aren't the same way.

But from what you just described, it obviously sounds like he has some major anxiety. If he can't control something, it drives him crazy.


The traffic example made me think. I know DC very well and my spouse is a mindless "GPS driver." No matter if it is a common destination, a common main road route or only an exit number is needed, the GPS is on and zero planning or thought was put in how to get there in what traffic.

So yes, I am disappointed when said spouse is driving us all right into a $hit$how traffic jam or silly way we all know better than to take. Learn!

Anyhow, my life didn't have nearly as many setbacks as it does once I got married. I just have to get used to the two steps FW and one step backwards all the time. It's part of being married. I get upset with it's big stuff we messed up on, but oh well. Some people are accident prone, others have no common sense, some are too naive good samaritans and another set are overly cynical. Try to work together and both get some self-awareness. You both should try counseling, get advice, and practice communicating differently so there is more of a connection and more kindness. Big help. No one is the same.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 14:03     Subject: DH ocd
Anonymous wrote:As someone with anxiety, I'm not getting that it's anxiety so much.

It sounds like anxiety to me. I feel tempted to do a lot of the same things, although to a much lesser degree.

Medication helps. Also, at some point being constantly disappointed by the world not living up to my expectations became so exhausting! It was just easier to let go of truly petty things like canned beans.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 13:59     Subject: DH ocd
Anonymous wrote:He is basically using you to manage his anxiety. This is totally unacceptable and besides which it doesn't work. If he refuses therapy, go on your own to work on boundaries. I'm sorry to say that if he doesn't change I don't see a great future for your relationship. I'm speaking as the anxious / perfectionist partner who's done a ton of work on owning and managing my own issues.


I agree.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 13:52     Subject: DH ocd
I said earlier it didn't sound like anxiety. I thought he sounded so calm about everything, like he's just this super efficient person in life who doesn't get why other people aren't the same way.

But from what you just described, it obviously sounds like he has some major anxiety. If he can't control something, it drives him crazy.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2016 12:55     Subject: DH ocd
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh Op. He sounds like my father. And let me tell you, I was a miserable kid. I kid you not, when I came home with 95% on a math exam in high school, he asked me where the other 5 were. How is he towards the kids? They may be young now but he may end up being a controlling perfectionist ass with them too.


He pushes, though he's positive about it. He's basically a Tiger Dad. He came from nothing and he had a Tiger Mom/Dad with no education and I think that's how he thinks its done. I think he expected me to be a Tiger Mom but I'm pretty Type B.

Example: Larlo practices his new song on the piano. DH says 'Great job, I love the way that sounded, but there was a small issue with the fingering towards the end! Let's practice it 5 more times till there isn't a single mistake!!'.
You get the idea.

How he interacts with me. We're eating a quick meal veggie burrito bowls, and this is how the conversation goes:
Him - 'This tastes really good, I like how you added tofu to it. Did you use the canned beans?'
Me-"Yeah I did. How did you know?".
Him "Oh there is a slight tinny taste. Don't worry, still tastes really good! So how come you used canned? soaked and cooked beans are much better!"
Me - "I was going to make something else but I came home from work a little later and had to fix something fast"
Him 'Well, canned beans really should just be for emergencies. Why don't you just tell me the night before how work is going to go for you, and I will soak and make the beans for you so you don't have to use canned beans?'
Me - "ok"

Do you see what I mean? it's not necessarily mean...it just doesn't given anyone room to be anything other than perfect.

Sorry OP. I could never live like this - I'm far too type B to deal - but this one made me laugh. If my DH said this I probably would laugh, followed by a 'sorry, my magic 8 ball must have been broken last night.'

I also wonder how your DH does at dealing with the unexpected? When things go off plan?


Not well. He gets annoyed. Not like angry yelling but just complains endlessly. Its really annoying to listen to someone complain for hours about something you have no control over, like traffic, for instance. What is the point?
If its anything health related about any of us (kids, me, his parents) he gets crazy stressed. Like making tons of phone calls, getting second opinions, reading tons of articles staying up at night. It looks, visibly, like frantic energy. Its actually impacted how I deal with the kids or my health issues - I tend to do it entirely on my own without his input because I cant handle being around his anxiety. His reactions make me over-react.