Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

I feel like one of the saddest things I've learned from DCUM is how the fact that men are visual first has this like, very destructive effect on long term relationships.

Women really don't rate attractiveness as number one. So there is so much more understanding and empathy if their husband's body changes (obviously not universal). Men rate attractiveness as number one and yet there is this huge part of a woman's life in her 30s that fundamentally changes her body in a way men never experience and so have trouble really understanding.

So there is an element of two parallel lines of resentment that grow out of this. Men that their women have 'let themselves go' and women that men don't understand why it's hard for them and don't understand why men's 'love' is tied to something that is very difficult for women to maintain and isn't something they prioritize themselves.

I am in my late 30's (woman) and dealing with my hormones going nuts and radically changing. But looking good for my husband AND so that I am comfortable with myself and in my own skin is a priority for me. I'm tired of women giving the excuses. You can find a half hour to work out. You can buy healthier foods. Is that so hard to do if it means being confident in yourself and keeping the spark alive in your relationships? It sucks to deal with but you change the way you've always eaten and always exercised to something different to counteract the hormonal effects. The women on here saying that men are shallow who still want their partner to be attractive are hands down the crew of ladies who have gotten lazy and don't want to BOTHER keeping up their physical attractiveness. It's not that they CAN'T, 99% of the time. It's that they choose not to. That is a disrespect to your spouse. You're all lunatics if you think physical attraction isn't a major part of any relationship.

Of course it is important and I work hard to look good for my spouse too. I also know that after having a baby there are parts of me that are different and will always be different. My husband doesn't care but the focus a lot of DH's on here put on women bouncing back super quickly after children is I think very unfair. And it is actually harder for women then it is for men, biologically AND you add in the fact that we have to go through childbirth and pregnancy, it just is factually more difficult for a woman who had children to look the way she did at 30 at 40 than it is for a man to accomplish the same feat.

I think the fact that I expect my DH to understand that is just basic human decency. Marriage is a long road, you tell each other you're going to stick around long after your boobs succumb to gravity and that six pack gets a little soft.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

Not PP, but where's the cut-off...100 pounds overweight, 200 pounds overweight? I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever, no matter what happens. Instead, I think it is about loving your spouse no matter what and basing intimacy on that love and shared history when the attraction isn't there.

FWIW, I'm a woman.

The fact that you're looking for a cutoff is weird. What's the cutoff for you sticking around, lung cancer? But after a mastectomy you're out? Or if he has a limb amputated see ya later?

Clearly someone who is 200 pounds overweight has a serious health problem and needs to see a doctor but to act like that would happen and the other person would have a right to just walk away? It's the only thing in this category its very strange. No one would say that a woman who had a double mastectomy deserves to be walked away from because her body didn't keep it's end of the bargain.

And honestly once you hit 60...I mean how physically attractive is a 65 year old woman expected to be?

Reading comprehension is important. The point of the post was very clearly not about staying or leaving. The point was that it is unreasonable to expect physical attraction at all times. Posters have been clearly saying that the fact that a man is not attracted to his overweight spouse makes him a bad spouse. I think that is unreasonable - intimacy and connection and love are more important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

I feel like one of the saddest things I've learned from DCUM is how the fact that men are visual first has this like, very destructive effect on long term relationships.

Women really don't rate attractiveness as number one. So there is so much more understanding and empathy if their husband's body changes (obviously not universal). Men rate attractiveness as number one and yet there is this huge part of a woman's life in her 30s that fundamentally changes her body in a way men never experience and so have trouble really understanding.

So there is an element of two parallel lines of resentment that grow out of this. Men that their women have 'let themselves go' and women that men don't understand why it's hard for them and don't understand why men's 'love' is tied to something that is very difficult for women to maintain and isn't something they prioritize themselves.

I am in my late 30's (woman) and dealing with my hormones going nuts and radically changing. But looking good for my husband AND so that I am comfortable with myself and in my own skin is a priority for me. I'm tired of women giving the excuses. You can find a half hour to work out. You can buy healthier foods. Is that so hard to do if it means being confident in yourself and keeping the spark alive in your relationships? It sucks to deal with but you change the way you've always eaten and always exercised to something different to counteract the hormonal effects. The women on here saying that men are shallow who still want their partner to be attractive are hands down the crew of ladies who have gotten lazy and don't want to BOTHER keeping up their physical attractiveness. It's not that they CAN'T, 99% of the time. It's that they choose not to. That is a disrespect to your spouse. You're all lunatics if you think physical attraction isn't a major part of any relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

+1

We know a couple like this and they were all happy and fit together up until she had a serious injury and couldn't exercise much for almost a year and was on various medications that made her balloon up. It was so heartbreaking to see her DH be more focused on her losing that weight than her actual recovery. They don't seem quite as happy these days even though she's lost most of the weight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow!! That's some major progress there!! Good for you, I'm seriously impressed.

Thank you. It sucks that I even let it get to a place where that kind of progress is possible, but that's my reality -- and I know there's someone else reading who is there too and needs encouragement. It's painful to be there, and it's also in some ways painful to have success losing weight, because you have so many regrets and beat yourself up about it and worry about keeping it off.

The biggest difference maker for me this time has been actually being kind to myself. I thought I could bully myself into losing weight, I just needed to work harder, and the more shame I heaped upon myself the more I'd want to work harder. Not really. That's probably one of the reasons I made myself post... avoiding shame and hating myself has been key to staying on track. It has really changed my perspective about how motivation works.

What motivates you?

PP here. I've had to really think about that lately. The first part of my losses, I honestly was motivated by fear. Fear of diabetes (don't have it but obviously it was lurking), health problems, fear of not fitting into clothes even in plus size stores, fear of being humiliated not fitting into a booth at a restaurant, fear of not fitting in an airline seat, etc.

Fear is a great way to start, to be frank. But it won't keep you going long term, and it certainly won't help you keep it off (although if you can remember some of that fear, it can give you a little boost in being afraid of returning to where you used to be -- but fear is a drag, you don't want it to be the main thing).

I've tried to transition to more of an aspiration motivation, things I'll enjoy about being thinner. Never even having to think about weight limits (for example, on a recent vacation, there were some zip lining excursions where the weight limit for women was something like 180 lbs - I'm tall, so that's only about 10 lbs overweight by BMI for me!), shopping being a non-issue, not feeling shame when going to the doctor or any healthcare provider, day-to-day life being easier, lowered risk for health issues, etc. Hope and aspiration is a little bit of a harder motivation tool than fear, but I've got to get there.

In terms of my comment on changing my perspective on how motivation works, what I meant is that I thought if I felt bad enough about something, I'd be motivated to change it. That makes logical sense to me, especially as a Type A personality. I could not get my head around why this is so hard for me. I know it sounds like a brag, but I kill it in every other area of my life. Unfortunately, when you're that heavy -- you always have your body with you, and it brings you down in every other area of your life too. I thought I could just ruminate on how awful being fat was, and wouldn't that get me to change?

Instead, monitoring my self-talk and being kind to myself, not overly judging myself when I don't make perfect choices, learning from mistakes instead of criticizing myself for them -- that all is working so much better. And it doesn't come naturally for me at all. I think that is a strategy that will last much longer and help me keep it off, because when you're trying to motivate yourself through hating yourself, when you get to a good weight -- you don't hate yourself anymore (or at least don't think you should for that reason). When you motivate yourself through loving yourself (as corny as that sounds), that stays and only gets stronger as you get healthier.

Hope that helps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

Not PP, but where's the cut-off...100 pounds overweight, 200 pounds overweight? I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever, no matter what happens. Instead, I think it is about loving your spouse no matter what and basing intimacy on that love and shared history when the attraction isn't there.

FWIW, I'm a woman.

The fact that you're looking for a cutoff is weird. What's the cutoff for you sticking around, lung cancer? But after a mastectomy you're out? Or if he has a limb amputated see ya later?

Clearly someone who is 200 pounds overweight has a serious health problem and needs to see a doctor but to act like that would happen and the other person would have a right to just walk away? It's the only thing in this category its very strange. No one would say that a woman who had a double mastectomy deserves to be walked away from because her body didn't keep it's end of the bargain.

And honestly once you hit 60...I mean how physically attractive is a 65 year old woman expected to be?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Upfront honesty is not wrong. What's wrong is the superficial attraction to a particular shape. It's not the type of attraction a marriage is based on. If it is, it's a short-lived and empty relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

Not PP, but where's the cut-off...100 pounds overweight, 200 pounds overweight? I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever, no matter what happens. Instead, I think it is about loving your spouse no matter what and basing intimacy on that love and shared history when the attraction isn't there.

FWIW, I'm a woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

I feel like one of the saddest things I've learned from DCUM is how the fact that men are visual first has this like, very destructive effect on long term relationships.

Women really don't rate attractiveness as number one. So there is so much more understanding and empathy if their husband's body changes (obviously not universal). Men rate attractiveness as number one and yet there is this huge part of a woman's life in her 30s that fundamentally changes her body in a way men never experience and so have trouble really understanding.

So there is an element of two parallel lines of resentment that grow out of this. Men that their women have 'let themselves go' and women that men don't understand why it's hard for them and don't understand why men's 'love' is tied to something that is very difficult for women to maintain and isn't something they prioritize themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

+1 I felt bad when I read that post. I had a boyfriend like that, had.

25.5 Working on it!

I can tell DH is more attracted to me when I'm a bit thinner but is loving and sweet anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:25.1

Here is my problem... I just lost 10 lbs and my bra size went from a D to a full C, I am fine with that.

I would like to lose 10 more because it seems a healthier weight, but my boobs don't look good smaller .. They start to sag and my butt gets flatter and I don't like that look.

So I have little incentive to lose weight... Flat boobs and butt, flatter stomach.

Obviously I think about it.

When my H was younger he cared, now he is more evolved and he does not care... Or maybe he just like D boobs... Idk.

You need some squats for that booty.

No I don't. I am muscular ... Flat muscles are less attractive.

Uh, no. Get a personal trainer and start working out seriously.

I work out with a trainer 3 times a week, run 3 times a week and do Bikram yoga.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow!! That's some major progress there!! Good for you, I'm seriously impressed.

Thank you. It sucks that I even let it get to a place where that kind of progress is possible, but that's my reality -- and I know there's someone else reading who is there too and needs encouragement. It's painful to be there, and it's also in some ways painful to have success losing weight, because you have so many regrets and beat yourself up about it and worry about keeping it off.

The biggest difference maker for me this time has been actually being kind to myself. I thought I could bully myself into losing weight, I just needed to work harder, and the more shame I heaped upon myself the more I'd want to work harder. Not really. That's probably one of the reasons I made myself post... avoiding shame and hating myself has been key to staying on track. It has really changed my perspective about how motivation works.

What motivates you?