Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very surprised to see the vitriol toward remarried parents here.

I have an original family and have never been, nor do I think I will ever be, divorced. But I still think that post-divorce, if someone wants to get remarried there isn't really anything selfish about that, provided the new spouse is a good person. It almost seems to me like people are looking at the wrong variable here - of course divorce is sad and hard and children bear the brunt of it. But a child of divorce with a single parent or parents doesn't seem like they'd be happier than the child of divorce with a nice step-parent. The kids I knew growing up with divorced parents could be emotional messes with messy lives, but having a step-parent didn't make that worse automatically. I guess I don't get the hate toward parents who fall in love again?

I think this poster is exactly right.

My divorce was ugly and it was very hard on my DC. That fact remains true--whether I remarry or whether I remain single.

In my case, I wanted my children to see alternative modelling for what a father can be. Their father has some wonderful attributes (creative, free-thinker) but all those strengths can be flipped around (he's unreasonable, impossible to employ, questioning authority and rebellious). The result is someone fun and entertaining but irresponsible. I don't have a brother or a father (they both died) and I wanted my kids to see different ways of being in this world. I didn't want my daughter marrying someone she's responsible for and I didn't want my son becoming someone like my father. I realize it's not in my control who they ultimately elect to be, but in my case, I chose to remarry and give them another template. My second husband is a very responsible and very caring person. I don't know if either DC will ever want or need this different model, but it's there if they need to learn from it.

Problem is, the adults want the relationship and they will rationalize their way into thinking it's good for the kids. My mom loves to tell me how glad she is to be modeling a better relationship. Actually she's modeling cheating on your husband for a fucked up loser. So I get all the negatives of divorce and also an unhappy mom in a bad relationship. It's the worst of both worlds. But she can't handle the cognitive dissonance so she's always going on about how wonderful it all is.

+ 1. Sorry that happened to you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very surprised to see the vitriol toward remarried parents here.

I have an original family and have never been, nor do I think I will ever be, divorced. But I still think that post-divorce, if someone wants to get remarried there isn't really anything selfish about that, provided the new spouse is a good person. It almost seems to me like people are looking at the wrong variable here - of course divorce is sad and hard and children bear the brunt of it. But a child of divorce with a single parent or parents doesn't seem like they'd be happier than the child of divorce with a nice step-parent. The kids I knew growing up with divorced parents could be emotional messes with messy lives, but having a step-parent didn't make that worse automatically. I guess I don't get the hate toward parents who fall in love again?

I think this poster is exactly right.

My divorce was ugly and it was very hard on my DC. That fact remains true--whether I remarry or whether I remain single.

In my case, I wanted my children to see alternative modelling for what a father can be. Their father has some wonderful attributes (creative, free-thinker) but all those strengths can be flipped around (he's unreasonable, impossible to employ, questioning authority and rebellious). The result is someone fun and entertaining but irresponsible. I don't have a brother or a father (they both died) and I wanted my kids to see different ways of being in this world. I didn't want my daughter marrying someone she's responsible for and I didn't want my son becoming someone like my father. I realize it's not in my control who they ultimately elect to be, but in my case, I chose to remarry and give them another template. My second husband is a very responsible and very caring person. I don't know if either DC will ever want or need this different model, but it's there if they need to learn from it.

Problem is, the adults want the relationship and they will rationalize their way into thinking it's good for the kids. My mom loves to tell me how glad she is to be modeling a better relationship. Actually she's modeling cheating on your husband for a fucked up loser. So I get all the negatives of divorce and also an unhappy mom in a bad relationship. It's the worst of both worlds. But she can't handle the cognitive dissonance so she's always going on about how wonderful it all is.

Anonymous wrote:I am very surprised to see the vitriol toward remarried parents here.

I have an original family and have never been, nor do I think I will ever be, divorced. But I still think that post-divorce, if someone wants to get remarried there isn't really anything selfish about that, provided the new spouse is a good person. It almost seems to me like people are looking at the wrong variable here - of course divorce is sad and hard and children bear the brunt of it. But a child of divorce with a single parent or parents doesn't seem like they'd be happier than the child of divorce with a nice step-parent. The kids I knew growing up with divorced parents could be emotional messes with messy lives, but having a step-parent didn't make that worse automatically. I guess I don't get the hate toward parents who fall in love again?

I think this poster is exactly right.

My divorce was ugly and it was very hard on my DC. That fact remains true--whether I remarry or whether I remain single.

In my case, I wanted my children to see alternative modelling for what a father can be. Their father has some wonderful attributes (creative, free-thinker) but all those strengths can be flipped around (he's unreasonable, impossible to employ, questioning authority and rebellious). The result is someone fun and entertaining but irresponsible. I don't have a brother or a father (they both died) and I wanted my kids to see different ways of being in this world. I didn't want my daughter marrying someone she's responsible for and I didn't want my son becoming someone like my father. I realize it's not in my control who they ultimately elect to be, but in my case, I chose to remarry and give them another template. My second husband is a very responsible and very caring person. I don't know if either DC will ever want or need this different model, but it's there if they need to learn from it.

Anonymous wrote:I am in a blended family & life for me wveryday is like a hell .DH has a 22 yrs old daughter that stay with us & she was the one driving our marriage.DH cant make a decision of his own because he is scared of his daughter.She always make up a story inorder for me & my husband will fight & she intentionally spent my DH's credit card left & right so we will be in debt. If I know his will happen to me, I will never ever marry a man who has a brat daughter.

Just out of curiosity, what country are you from?

I am in a blended family- and not happy. However, it is possible to make it work.

What I have found is that in order for things to work out, the kids are kids and the adults are adults. Seems simple enough- but most of the angst is because the 'other' kids take over a parents/adults choice.

For example (and not from my marriage). Step parent says: no screens until chores are done. Kids resist (as kids do) and bio parent either caves or makes excuses for the step parent. Another example is when the previous spouse is able to exert undue control over the new home. Example: Previous spouse finds fault with things in the running of the new home, that are not an issue of safety but rather style. Such as dinner time, vacation/summer camp choices ect.

When the step parent is constantly relegated to the role of anything less than an decision making adult- shit hits the fan.

Feeling like you have no control over your own house is incredibly maddening.

I am in a blended family & life for me wveryday is like a hell .DH has a 22 yrs old daughter that stay with us & she was the one driving our marriage.DH cant make a decision of his own because he is scared of his daughter.She always make up a story inorder for me & my husband will fight & she intentionally spent my DH's credit card left & right so we will be in debt. If I know his will happen to me, I will never ever marry a man who has a brat daughter.

Anonymous wrote:Why does the one bitter, unhinged lady whose husband remarried have to come on these threads and bash everyone who gets remarried as selfish? It's old honey, just move on already.

+1. It's pretty obvious.

I married a man with grown children from his previous marriage. The first few years were rough with his daughters. Today, we have a son together and it's as perfect as I could've imagined. Mixed family, see the ex-wife around holidays, but all good.

Child of divorce. I'm from my dad's second family. He's had 4 groups of kids. We are all learning as adults how to function as adults who love each other (or at least the shared parent) but it isn't a true sibling relationship like my friends have. One of my half-sibs is probably one of my favorite people in the whole world. We just click. One hates my guts, but the reasons why are simply false. Everyone has told him that. He had mental illness and is fixated on me as the cause of all his troubles. One is like a close acquaintance/casual friend. Yet another is essentially stranger to me and twice we have passed each other in public places and never noticed until someone else said something. In all honesty, my parents' horror of a marriage for 14 years was far worse than being in a blended family although the divorce did mean that my mom moved to the hood while my stepmom lived in the 'burbs. As an adult, I'm glad to have my half-siblings (even the one that hates me).

I also have two step sisters. One is a FB friend and our kids are playmates. The other, I don't know from a can of paint. I've basically purged my mind of anything negative I ever heard about them and given up resenting the 5 years they got to live with my dad.

My future stepson was 19 when I met him. He's finishing up college a couple months after I marry his dad so he's not in need of any true parenting from me. I like him, but I treat him as I do the teen and young adult children of close friends. I care about him and them, but lack the ferocious maternal feeling I have for my own two kids. It seems like he likes me, but his dad had another long term girlfriend that he got attached to, then they split. He's guarded I think and we see him only a few weekends other than major holidays so bonding is difficult. I don't think I really impact his life that much other than an extra $50 in his stocking at Christmas and a care package during exam week. His mom is sane and has her own life OOS so she and my fiancé don't have conflict.

My own ex has had more girlfriends/fiancées/whatevers than my kids and I can count. It never lasts. He got married this year and it lasted about 110 days. This does impact my kids. The older one opted out years ago as soon as a judge would listen to her. The younger one is very distrustful of her dad's female friends and coworkers. She thinks each one is a potential new SO that she has to adjust to and then feel bad when they split.