Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens, she gives you a card and then you "calmly and compassionately" scold her for not also touching you? Try some positive reinforcement instead.

I guess you're right...trying to give her a shoulder rub and affectionately rubbing her thigh and trying to give her oral was too much scolding...really, completely, that was just harsh of me to do.

If you know she doesn't want oral, then why did you try to give it to her?!?!!? Doing something she doesn't want is not positive reinforcement, FFS. If every time you touch her, it turns into you wanting sex, that's really unpleasant for her. My DH is like that sometimes and it drives me crazy. It makes me not want to touch him at all.

What exactly did you do when she gave you a card?

+1. She doesn't want it!

OP, have you read the 5 love languages book? Try responding to her in the same way she is reaching out to you-- by saying nice things-- and build slowly from there. You are going from 0 to 60 if a card takes you right to oral. Just try to take it at face value as an expression of love and appreciation, and respond in kind.

I'm trying to figure out if OP has aspergers. No one can be this clueless unless there's some psychological condition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a DW who lost libido after a baby. I didn't mean to, it's just hard when I'm so tired and the baby is chewing on my nips all day long. And honestly, if I offered my DH "duty sex" as you put it and he turned me down, I would understand, but sometimes that's all I can manage. It comes from a loving place! If he tried to do sexual things that he knows I don't like, and also complained about duty sex or how I approached him, it would really irritate me.

If you know your wife doesn't like something, don't do it to her, FFS.

+1
This guy is so goddam dense.

No, you morons are seriously reading-comprehension-challenged, or you just didn't bother to read my very first post.

The entire premise here from the beginning is that I am not the one pushing having sex. I responded to you with some sarcasm/snark because I thought that might tip you off that you needed to rethink it.

I'm fine with not having sex. I'm not pushing for sex. This is making my wife even more anxious and insecure - that is the problem. God you are clueless. Learn to (bother to) read...whichever applies.

So STOP DOING IT! Stop acting weird about this and passive aggressive. Tell her that she doesnt have anything to worry about, that you love her.

I noticed you completely skipped over the question about whether you do nonsexual affection- guessing that's a big fat NO.

You know what i think? I think you enjoy having her walk on eggshells.

And then you phrased it as "she wants to have sex with me so bad!" which is absolutely absurd, given the followups you've given.

I think you like feeling powerful, and I think you give your wife little signals to let her know you aren't happy and resent her.

Then, when she picks up on them and it understandably worried, you act all, "OMG, why is she acting like this? She's crazy!"

It's so blatant as to be nearly comedic.

You are a loser, OP. Plain and simple. Be glad your wife puts up with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens, she gives you a card and then you "calmly and compassionately" scold her for not also touching you? Try some positive reinforcement instead.

I guess you're right...trying to give her a shoulder rub and affectionately rubbing her thigh and trying to give her oral was too much scolding...really, completely, that was just harsh of me to do.

If you know she doesn't want oral, then why did you try to give it to her?!?!!? Doing something she doesn't want is not positive reinforcement, FFS. If every time you touch her, it turns into you wanting sex, that's really unpleasant for her. My DH is like that sometimes and it drives me crazy. It makes me not want to touch him at all.

What exactly did you do when she gave you a card?

+1. She doesn't want it!

OP, have you read the 5 love languages book? Try responding to her in the same way she is reaching out to you-- by saying nice things-- and build slowly from there. You are going from 0 to 60 if a card takes you right to oral. Just try to take it at face value as an expression of love and appreciation, and respond in kind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a DW who lost libido after a baby. I didn't mean to, it's just hard when I'm so tired and the baby is chewing on my nips all day long. And honestly, if I offered my DH "duty sex" as you put it and he turned me down, I would understand, but sometimes that's all I can manage. It comes from a loving place! If he tried to do sexual things that he knows I don't like, and also complained about duty sex or how I approached him, it would really irritate me.

If you know your wife doesn't like something, don't do it to her, FFS.

+1
This guy is so goddam dense.

No, you morons are seriously reading-comprehension-challenged, or you just didn't bother to read my very first post.

The entire premise here from the beginning is that I am not the one pushing having sex. I responded to you with some sarcasm/snark because I thought that might tip you off that you needed to rethink it.

I'm fine with not having sex. I'm not pushing for sex. This is making my wife even more anxious and insecure - that is the problem. God you are clueless. Learn to (bother to) read...whichever applies.

Is she still breastfeeding, OP? I know the bf'ing zealots will swoop down to scream at me that bf'ing, in addition to it's innumerable other wonders, is The Biggest Aphrodisiac EVER! But in my experience, it was just not so. With both of my kids, sex was painful until I weaned (something to do with estrogen levels and natural lubrication). I just also did not feel like sex at ALL, EVER, and I'm very healthy gal with a very cute husband. I never had a minute of low drive until I was postpartum. It's a long, tough process getting back to normal, which you already know, and that weight is hard to lose. Have an honest conversation with her, maybe ask her to see her OB/GYN, and maybe also couples therapy if things don't improve once she's weaned and once her dieting efforts start to pay off. I've been there. It just takes time and weight loss. I'm sorry I have no magic bullet.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a DW who lost libido after a baby. I didn't mean to, it's just hard when I'm so tired and the baby is chewing on my nips all day long. And honestly, if I offered my DH "duty sex" as you put it and he turned me down, I would understand, but sometimes that's all I can manage. It comes from a loving place! If he tried to do sexual things that he knows I don't like, and also complained about duty sex or how I approached him, it would really irritate me.

If you know your wife doesn't like something, don't do it to her, FFS.

+1
This guy is so goddam dense.

OP, I am a DW who lost libido after a baby. I didn't mean to, it's just hard when I'm so tired and the baby is chewing on my nips all day long. And honestly, if I offered my DH "duty sex" as you put it and he turned me down, I would understand, but sometimes that's all I can manage. It comes from a loving place! If he tried to do sexual things that he knows I don't like, and also complained about duty sex or how I approached him, it would really irritate me.

If you know your wife doesn't like something, don't do it to her, FFS.

Anonymous wrote:Because she has postpartum anxiety. She is anxious about her marriage (justifiably) and has no clue what to do about it, can't figure out how to solve the physical problem, can't just summon up desire because you want her to, and doesn't know what to do about it. She's willing to have sex, but you don't want it because you think it's "duty sex". Get her to a pelvic pain specialist.

This makes sense. I think we make another run at duty sex and if the pain issue is obvious again, there's an opening to push about going to a pelvic pain specialist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say she is upset and feels rejected by you and that is why she is picking unrelated fights. How do you know this? How do you know that she wants you to desire her even though she is obviously pained when you give her attention? Maybe you are misdiagnosing the problem? Maybe she is doesn't care that you don't desire her, but is mad at you for other reasons?

This is always a real possibility.

The reasons I've diagnosed it this way are:

- I've been the recipient of a lot of cards and notes and such lately (not just on VD day) to the effect of "thanks for being such an amazing husband and dad".

- All of those have contained references to getting our sexual relationship back on track.

- the fights/arguments are pretty few, but they are always off-scale for the issue at hand, and make me believe something else entirely is going on - I've tried taking them at face value, and can't make them add up.

- the tiffs have ended in comments about not wanting to spend time with/be with her (our lives outside of work are spent entirely together).

- at least one of these "tiffs" was specifically relating to me very explicitly that she is concerned that I'm going to lose interest in her if we don't start having sex.

I think a bunch of it is guilt or feeling inadequate even though I'm not really pushing for anything...she's projecting a lot of frustrated desire onto me.

Uh, yeah.

This is pretty easy.

Sounds like she doesn't really want to have sex either, but she's afraid you are going to lose interest.

Sit her down, and be like, I just want you to know, it truly does not bother me that we aren't having sex. Take all the time you need to feel better. Don't worry about it anymore.


That will solve it.

Has she gotten a prescription for estrogen cream? Because that will help with the physical discomfort part.

Anonymous wrote:You say she is upset and feels rejected by you and that is why she is picking unrelated fights. How do you know this? How do you know that she wants you to desire her even though she is obviously pained when you give her attention? Maybe you are misdiagnosing the problem? Maybe she is doesn't care that you don't desire her, but is mad at you for other reasons?

This is always a real possibility.

The reasons I've diagnosed it this way are:

- I've been the recipient of a lot of cards and notes and such lately (not just on VD day) to the effect of "thanks for being such an amazing husband and dad".

- All of those have contained references to getting our sexual relationship back on track.

- the fights/arguments are pretty few, but they are always off-scale for the issue at hand, and make me believe something else entirely is going on - I've tried taking them at face value, and can't make them add up.

- the tiffs have ended in comments about not wanting to spend time with/be with her (our lives outside of work are spent entirely together).

- at least one of these "tiffs" was specifically relating to me very explicitly that she is concerned that I'm going to lose interest in her if we don't start having sex.

I think a bunch of it is guilt or feeling inadequate even though I'm not really pushing for anything...she's projecting a lot of frustrated desire onto me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens, she gives you a card and then you "calmly and compassionately" scold her for not also touching you? Try some positive reinforcement instead.

I guess you're right...trying to give her a shoulder rub and affectionately rubbing her thigh and trying to give her oral was too much scolding...really, completely, that was just harsh of me to do.

If you know she doesn't want oral, then why did you try to give it to her?!?!!? Doing something she doesn't want is not positive reinforcement, FFS. If every time you touch her, it turns into you wanting sex, that's really unpleasant for her. My DH is like that sometimes and it drives me crazy. It makes me not want to touch him at all.

What exactly did you do when she gave you a card?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, remember that it hurts her physically! It's kind of a lot to ask, to convincingly pretend to want and enjoy something that is physically painful.

Ok, fair enough. I understand that.

So, answer me this: If it's painful, and she doesn't enjoy it, why is she upset that I'm not asking for PIV (or any sex)?

Because she has postpartum anxiety. She is anxious about her marriage (justifiably) and has no clue what to do about it, can't figure out how to solve the physical problem, can't just summon up desire because you want her to, and doesn't know what to do about it. She's willing to have sex, but you don't want it because you think it's "duty sex". Get her to a pelvic pain specialist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is self conscious also about that area after having given birth and doesn't want you to go there. It does sound like she is very self conscious about her body after having kids. Was she as self conscious about it before giving birth? If she let you go down on her regularly before kids, and she doesn't now, then it's possible that she feels self conscious about that area.

She did, but not regularly...so yes, before the baby she was already somewhat self-conscious about it.

well, there you go. Post baby is not going to help in this dept.

OP, I think she just wants validation (that you still find her attractive) even though she doesn't feel attractive and sex is painful for her. I posted above. She's got a mental block, but I am not sure how to overcome it, other than maybe more time and her losing the weight. I agree with PPs to show affection with kisses, cuddles. It might help overcome her negative feelings and frustrations.