+1

OP - The best advice you have been given is to get your son into a psychologist for a complete evaluation to get a full mental health screening. He needs to be seeing no one less trained than this given his threats of self-injury and threats to family for whatever reasons. You need to research the special interests/experience of psychologists to find one that best suits your son's need - even if it is out-of-network. The psychologist can then make a referral to a psychiatrist with whom he/she works closely with. There needs to be continuing consultation between both to manage changes in behavior and meds. In terms of medication, is there something which your son can be given if he starts to spiral which would bring the anxiety/anger mood down quickly?

You do not mention DH and his role in your son's life and the dynamics of your family. DH may, in fact, be a key to how DS is acting and he needs to be involved in the entire therapeutic process as well as you. A therapist for both you and DH is needed so you can get guidance on managing the stress within the family, keep the lines of communication open and clear on things with you and DH, have a plan with DS's medical team on actions and consequences which are for his benefit, but also for your family's safety. It is now or never to get your son the help he needs because hopefully if DS can regain a sense of balance, he will be willing to do the hard work to maintain it. I would say it is the middle sibling who is probably also suffering the most in trying "to be good" and make no waves and yet is old enough to see really feel the damage older DS is doing to you hi sparents and the threats to youngest. Be willing and open to work with a medical team and follow their suggestions if it includes a therapeutic day program or even residential setting for a time.

OP, i'm sorry for your situation and you've had some great advice here.

to the judgey-pants PP: you can't 'parent' the mental illness out of a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

NP here. This post saddens me as I see my son will be this. He's been difficult since age 3. We have tried EVERYTHING: therapy, IEPs, medication. He's now 12. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm pouring everything into a kid who I know will end up like this. But we keep trying.

OP. Find a good sleepover camp you can send him to this summer. Mine did a 2 week camp, hated it. But I.GOT.A.BREAK. It really recharged me and has gotten me through till now (next winter break he's going somewhere). I sold it to him as a chance to unplug and try new things. But it's really our family respite.

Don't listen to the nay sayers. They have no idea.

My thoughts are with you. Big hug.

If you don't want him around, send him to military school.

I'm the parent who sent her son to 2 WEEKS camp. All my kids attend sleepaways, my girls love it. Ok, hate was a bit strong. My son did not like his because the water was freezing cold (NC mountains n June). Other than that the camp was "boring".

Nothing wrong with kids going away to let parents catch our breath. A 2 week camp is not the same as military school. But we all know that.

OP, I agree with the pp who suggested collaborative problem solving and lots of praise.

Sending your kid off to a camp for 2 weeks to get a break is not helping the underlying issue. It is just you rather not dealing with it and counting down the days until he goes away to make it thru the next year. If you aren't going to parent him correctly, send him to military or boarding school, so they will. Or get a backbone and raise your kid correctly. Otherwise he is a danger to himself and others, and you will be left to blame.

The bolded is harsh, and ignorant. I am a new poster here. Have some compassion for the posters dealing with these issues. Do not judge until you have been through it, too.

Sometimes people spinning around in a circle and not sure what to do, need harsh. It is not a bad thing.

Anonymous wrote:Read those boarding school apps carefully. Most won't take kids who have been violent. Not even the so-called "therapeutic boarding schools."

Everyone lies on those....

Read those boarding school apps carefully. Most won't take kids who have been violent. Not even the so-called "therapeutic boarding schools."

All the talk of military schools is honestly hysterical. My son went to military school and is no better and perhaps worse for it. There is no magic parenting or quick fixes sometimes. There is however my sincere hope that you find kindness and empathy somewhere in that cold, judgemental heart. Leave OP alone!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think military boarding school might be the worst possible place for a kid that might have some mental health issues. You think pushups and bed checks are going to whip that mental illness right out of him? Good grief.

No, I think staying with the same counselor with no medical background and coming onto DCUM about not wanting to live with your son anymore will whip that "supposed" mental illness right out of him.

You're very angry

Funny how defensive people become when they can't handle the truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of a summer sleepaway is for the parent to have some breathing space, recharge, take stock... And the rest of the family to get a break. It's called respite. We do the same for elder care. Does that mean it "sending away" my 93 year old mother in law? No, it means once every 3 months my brother in law, primary care giver, has a weakened to recharge.

You are comparing elderly care to and out of control teen? Wow, just wow!

No, I'm advocating for respite when dealing with difficult situations. But you know that.

Advocating respite on an elderly parent is a given. You can not change or better their situation. And many people do indeed put the elderly in assisted care, nursing homes or get home care because they can not handle it 24/7 or know that other people can handle it better than you alone can.

A teen is your son and responsibility. You need to raise him to become a decent independent human being that can go off and handle the world on his own. Counting down for your respite days instead of getting the help he needs doesn't work.

I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think military boarding school might be the worst possible place for a kid that might have some mental health issues. You think pushups and bed checks are going to whip that mental illness right out of him? Good grief.

No, I think staying with the same counselor with no medical background and coming onto DCUM about not wanting to live with your son anymore will whip that "supposed" mental illness right out of him.

You're very angry

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of a summer sleepaway is for the parent to have some breathing space, recharge, take stock... And the rest of the family to get a break. It's called respite. We do the same for elder care. Does that mean it "sending away" my 93 year old mother in law? No, it means once every 3 months my brother in law, primary care giver, has a weakened to recharge.

You are comparing elderly care to and out of control teen? Wow, just wow!

No, I'm advocating for respite when dealing with difficult situations. But you know that.

Advocating respite on an elderly parent is a given. You can not change or better their situation. And many people do indeed put the elderly in assisted care, nursing homes or get home care because they can not handle it 24/7 or know that other people can handle it better than you alone can.

A teen is your son and responsibility. You need to raise him to become a decent independent human being that can go off and handle the world on his own. Counting down for your respite days instead of getting the help he needs doesn't work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of a summer sleepaway is for the parent to have some breathing space, recharge, take stock... And the rest of the family to get a break. It's called respite. We do the same for elder care. Does that mean it "sending away" my 93 year old mother in law? No, it means once every 3 months my brother in law, primary care giver, has a weakened to recharge.

You are comparing elderly care to and out of control teen? Wow, just wow!

No, I'm advocating for respite when dealing with difficult situations. But you know that.

Anonymous wrote:The point of a summer sleepaway is for the parent to have some breathing space, recharge, take stock... And the rest of the family to get a break. It's called respite. We do the same for elder care. Does that mean it "sending away" my 93 year old mother in law? No, it means once every 3 months my brother in law, primary care giver, has a weakened to recharge.

You are comparing elderly care to and out of control teen? Wow, just wow!

The point of a summer sleepaway is for the parent to have some breathing space, recharge, take stock... And the rest of the family to get a break. It's called respite. We do the same for elder care. Does that mean it "sending away" my 93 year old mother in law? No, it means once every 3 months my brother in law, primary care giver, has a weakened to recharge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

NP here. This post saddens me as I see my son will be this. He's been difficult since age 3. We have tried EVERYTHING: therapy, IEPs, medication. He's now 12. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm pouring everything into a kid who I know will end up like this. But we keep trying.

OP. Find a good sleepover camp you can send him to this summer. Mine did a 2 week camp, hated it. But I.GOT.A.BREAK. It really recharged me and has gotten me through till now (next winter break he's going somewhere). I sold it to him as a chance to unplug and try new things. But it's really our family respite.

Don't listen to the nay sayers. They have no idea.

My thoughts are with you. Big hug.

If you don't want him around, send him to military school.

I'm the parent who sent her son to 2 WEEKS camp. All my kids attend sleepaways, my girls love it. Ok, hate was a bit strong. My son did not like his because the water was freezing cold (NC mountains n June). Other than that the camp was "boring".

Nothing wrong with kids going away to let parents catch our breath. A 2 week camp is not the same as military school. But we all know that.

OP, I agree with the pp who suggested collaborative problem solving and lots of praise.

Sending your kid off to a camp for 2 weeks to get a break is not helping the underlying issue. It is just you rather not dealing with it and counting down the days until he goes away to make it thru the next year. If you aren't going to parent him correctly, send him to military or boarding school, so they will. Or get a backbone and raise your kid correctly. Otherwise he is a danger to himself and others, and you will be left to blame.

The bolded is harsh, and ignorant. I am a new poster here. Have some compassion for the posters dealing with these issues. Do not judge until you have been through it, too.

The only thing ignorant are people walking on egg shells and coddling people who are coddling their kids by say "HUGS" That isn't helping her or her son! The OP's son has no known mental illness at this time. If she truly believes there is something there, it is her job as a parent to get him help instead of complaining about it. And if it is not a mental illness and he continues this approach and she can not handle it or deal with it, he needs to go to military school. Sorry, but there are too many kids getting out of control, too many kids shooting up schools, too many kids killing themselves or others when they go off to college. When we have kids it is our job to parent them the best way possible. You all seem to think he has a mental illness but no one seems to think the OP needs to get her ass in gear and handle it.

But yes, I am the ignorant one.