Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 08:48     Subject: justifiable affair?
OP, you took a vow, for better or worse. If your spouse was paralyzed and couldn't have sex, would you feel an affair was "justified"?

Sorry but no.

First phrase that comes to mind when I think of "justifiable" is "justifiable homicide". An appropriate response to a life threatening situation. No, there's no such thing as an affair in self defense. Get a vibrator.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 08:42     Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I am not telling you to cheat but this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. Looking down the barrel of a marriage where the major need of one partners is not satisfied is not good for either of you.

And in reading some of these other comments, I fully understand why there are so many miserable marriages and why the infidelity rate is so high. It is like many of you have said that sex is not a priority for you but yet your spouse just has to deal if it is a priority to them. Our pre-marital counselor told us point blank that infidelity is wrong. However she said that forced celibacy and denial of intimacy to your spouse is JUST AS WRONG. Sure, there are times when either of you are not in the mood and you should not have to do it at that point. But truth be told, if keeping that connection with your partner is important, you will find the time and the mood on a regular basis. Sure life happens, but I did not sign up for a long miserable, celibate marriage. in the absence of an illness or health issue that prevents sex, forcing that on your spouse is cruel. If that is waht some of you are doing, I could not blame your spouse one bit for having some on the side. I could not imgaine putting up with someone's crap day after day and not being able to get some on the regular. You cannot expect your spouse to honor the marriage compact when you aren't. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not be some dreadful death march.


- a DW married for over 20 years.


+ 1 million

I don't know where all of you gals with no interest in sex come from (did your moms tell you it was bad? Is your DH bad in bed?) but if this is your view you should set your poor husbands free. No whining because you are the mother of his children, just set him free and admit to the world that it's largely your own fault and not his.

DW of 25 years


I just needed the sex to have my babies. Now I am fulfilled by them. My DH I need to support those two kids he helped me make and to help around the house because I'm overwhelmed. I just can't even think of sex other than for reproductive reasons.


8:38 here: speak for yourself. As a healthy and fully functioning DW, I'd cheat on YOU in heartbeat -- whether we were in a gay, straight or bi marriage! Sex is not merely to make babies, PP; it's to establish intimacy and love! You're just using your DH for $$$ to support the kids at this point. Jane Austen would call your marriage "mercenary."
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 08:38     Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:I would have an affair if there were kids involved or divorce if there weren't.

Truth be told, most people have no idea what it feels like to be sexually cut off from their spouse, so they wax poetically about cheating being the ultimate sin. Much like a pro-life person who then changes their tune when their daughter shows up pregnant from the high school drop out.


+1! Since kids aren't involved, why not divorce and start over? It saves time because when OP gets emotionally involved with AP, she'll want to divorce DH and go on.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 08:34     Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:he has no urge or has ED?


both - no urge and on the rare occasion he does - it doesn't work very well. and if i try to help him feel like it, he feels too pressured and can't do a thing


He has psychological issues around this and needs therapy to work through his hang ups.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 07:58     Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Divorce.

No sex huge issue, and you say that it is loving and stable but obviously he cares nothing about your sexual satisfaction, which is a huge thing. Leave now.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 07:54     Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
You are justified to have an affair. But you are also justified in leaving him, assuming you don't have kids. Your spouse sounds selfish in refusing to reach an accommodation. If you have an affair, you aren't depriving him of anything, he doesn't want sex.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 07:29     Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:OP why can't you just love him for who he is? Also is it possible you are not physically attractive enough to raise his sex drive? Why does being married to you cause him such anxiety?


Please f*** off and die.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 06:37     Subject: justifiable affair?
Please post your marriage vows and then I can give you more particular guidance.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 06:30     Subject: justifiable affair?
OP why can't you just love him for who he is? Also is it possible you are not physically attractive enough to raise his sex drive? Why does being married to you cause him such anxiety?
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 04:25     Subject: justifiable affair?
You're in a tough situation OP.

While your husband is understandably afraid to switch his meds, you are understandably having to live most of your life without any intimacy.

My best advice here would be to speak to his doctor about this.

I'm sure he has plenty of experience dealing with this issue.

Perhaps he can lower the current dose and mix in another medication.

This would be the better option vs. having an affair, I promise you.

Best of luck to both of you!
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 01:37     Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I am not telling you to cheat but this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. Looking down the barrel of a marriage where the major need of one partners is not satisfied is not good for either of you.

And in reading some of these other comments, I fully understand why there are so many miserable marriages and why the infidelity rate is so high. It is like many of you have said that sex is not a priority for you but yet your spouse just has to deal if it is a priority to them. Our pre-marital counselor told us point blank that infidelity is wrong. However she said that forced celibacy and denial of intimacy to your spouse is JUST AS WRONG. Sure, there are times when either of you are not in the mood and you should not have to do it at that point. But truth be told, if keeping that connection with your partner is important, you will find the time and the mood on a regular basis. Sure life happens, but I did not sign up for a long miserable, celibate marriage. in the absence of an illness or health issue that prevents sex, forcing that on your spouse is cruel. If that is waht some of you are doing, I could not blame your spouse one bit for having some on the side. I could not imgaine putting up with someone's crap day after day and not being able to get some on the regular. You cannot expect your spouse to honor the marriage compact when you aren't. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not be some dreadful death march.


- a DW married for over 20 years.


+ 1 million

I don't know where all of you gals with no interest in sex come from (did your moms tell you it was bad? Is your DH bad in bed?) but if this is your view you should set your poor husbands free. No whining because you are the mother of his children, just set him free and admit to the world that it's largely your own fault and not his.

DW of 25 years


I just needed the sex to have my babies. Now I am fulfilled by them. My DH I need to support those two kids he helped me make and to help around the house because I'm overwhelmed. I just can't even think of sex other than for reproductive reasons.
Anonymous
Post 02/20/2016 00:34     Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.

i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.

what would you do in my shoes?


What do you think will make him feel more awful, this discussion, or finding out his wife cheats on him?

This isnt an acceptable excuse to cheat. You need to reopen the discussion and risk stirring up negative feelings. Your marriage is on the line. He needs to know how strongly you feel about this.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2016 22:46     Subject: justifiable affair?
An affair only works if you and your AP don't fall in love and if the affair doesn't change how you feel about your dh. I would guarantee that it will. Sorry OP. Keep negotiating. Keep striving for another resolution.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2016 22:45     Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:He has hands and a mouth, so I don't understand why he isn't doing his part to satisfy you. Have you talked to him about that? What does he say?


He could peg you if he can't sustain an erection, too.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2016 22:44     Subject: justifiable affair?
I don't get it. Why can't you engage in other forms of sex? My dh and have a varied sex life. If something happened, we could figure something out for each of us regularly, I would think.