Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have very awkwardly started an email conversation with my ex-husband about the phone and his future FIL. He's only replied "Thinking."

Do you have a decent co parenting relationship with him? Talk to him in person if you do. No apologies required. Sometimes it's easier to discuss these things in person and then follow up with an email reiterating any decisions made. Just don't do it around the soon to be stepmom.

I have a difficult co parenting relationship with my ex, basically he's an asshole, and I would still raise this in person. Then I would be more forceful in email.

...which he clearly was *not* doing when he allowed his DD to receive a brand-new iPhone from an older man who is not even related to her!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I would keep the phone and see what else he sends. Maybe respond to his text. "Great!" and see what else he sends.

If you take it away tell the other family members it is "lost". Keep losing the phones.

Yes you have to listen to your spidey sense.

And as another poster said, most grown men are not interested in having relationships with 11 year old girls. Most nice men I know give the kid a pat on the head and then benignly ignore her. They are interested in football and maybe politics, not someone else's kid.

Definite creep vibe.

Most nice grandfathers, or men who have wanted to be grandfathers and are about to become grandfathers, are nice to children and enjoy spending time with them. Maybe this is a cultural thing?

Are all men seriously just into sports and politics in your life, pp? What about men who work with children? doctors? etc?

OP, can you tell us more about old Pap. What does he do professionally? have you checked him out online?

He's retired now. I don't know what he did for a living, but his daughter had a MC upbringing. I did Google his name, but it is very common like Joseph Pretty-Common-Italian last name.

OP here. I have very awkwardly started an email conversation with my ex-husband about the phone and his future FIL. He's only replied "Thinking."

Anonymous wrote:My own dad texts his grand daughters sometimes. They are ages 12 thru 19 currently, and he has been doing it ever since his own eyes were opened to the wonders of the smart phone; ) . But he texts things like a picture he took of a squirrel eating a carrot on his back deck. Or a pretty sunset. All with captions like "we had a squirrel eating a carrot on our deck today!" Harmless and fun for him. But I'm with everyone else, this "baby girl" crap is inappropriate.

Same for my dad. And I think he almost always texts the one grandchild that has a phone in family group text. Also we all know that my niece has iPhone rules and try to go along with them (like no texting during school hours etc). I think it's the baby girl part that bothers me the most. Even honey or dear would be less weird.

PP here & I just saw the suggestion of replying to "Pap's" text, making it clear that *you* are the one replying. I would definitely NOT thank him for the phone, but make it clear that the phone will be in your possession while DD is with you and that you'll be monitoring all texts and communications.

I have a DD this age & if ANY unrelated man texted her w/ the name of "Baby Girl," he would be getting an ear-full from me. And a new iPhone is just way out of line as a gift. What older, unrelated man is going to do the things this guy is doing? I honestly do not know any older man like that.

Agree with PPs. Trust your gut, OP. The inappropriate gift and the inappropriate text add up -- to what, I'm not sure, but if it's not grooming, then it's just plain inappropriate, and you must step in and put a stop to it.

Confiscate the phone. That's what I'd do. Tell your child the gift is inappropriate, and that you're going to keep it until she's old enough to have a smartphone. My kid didn't get one until she was 17.

Then text or call the grandfather and explain, calmly, that you and DH had agreed your child would not have any phone until XX age, and that she would not have a smartphone until XX age, and that you're keeping the phone safe until she's old enough to have it. Copy the text or email to your DH.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. But your gut is always right!! Trust it, don't doubt yourself!

I just have visions of RHOC Vikki's creepy boyfriend from MS doing something like this, and his voice saying "baby girl"

It makes my spidey sense tingle too.

OP, I see red flags here, too. Don't brush this off, or feel you are taking the matter too far. You've received very good advice from other posters. I will add that it is definitely inappropriate for an unrelated older man to give your daughter an iPhone as a gift!! And then texting her?! I'm sorry, but that is just plain wrong & creepy. Even after the wedding, I would wonder about it, but it is totally unacceptable now. Trust your Mama Bear instincts. That's why nature gave them to you.

nice grandfather *I know*

Anonymous wrote:Op, I would keep the phone and see what else he sends. Maybe respond to his text. "Great!" and see what else he sends.

If you take it away tell the other family members it is "lost". Keep losing the phones.

Yes you have to listen to your spidey sense.

And as another poster said, most grown men are not interested in having relationships with 11 year old girls. Most nice men I know give the kid a pat on the head and then benignly ignore her. They are interested in football and maybe politics, not someone else's kid.

Definite creep vibe.

Most nice grandfathers, or men who have wanted to be grandfathers and are about to become grandfathers, are nice to children and enjoy spending time with them. Maybe this is a cultural thing?

Are all men seriously just into sports and politics in your life, pp? What about men who work with children? doctors? etc?

OP, can you tell us more about old Pap. What does he do professionally? have you checked him out online?

Anonymous wrote:Is the term "baby girl" something that is culturally acceptable? I know if I told my ex someone called our dad baby girl he would be all over it. It is not a phrase either of us or our friends use.

First, OP, I pretty much don't fully trust any man including all family members who come into contact with my daughters for the reasons you are concerned about so please read the following knowing that.

I'm wondering the same thing about culture. The OP mentioned culture when she told us about the clothing that stepmother to-be bought for daughter so I'm wondering, are they southern maybe? or from a non-english speaking country where "baby girl" could mean something else translated?

I don't have a child old enough to text but I don't think I would think that a text from grandpa is necessarily grooming. I have a step niece and I'm pretty sure my dad would text her if she had a phone. He's not a sexual predator. I also find it weird that so many PPs said it's always weird if an older man shows attention to a 10 year old girl ("they usually pat them on the head and are into sports and politics"...don't you know any old grandpa figures that enjoy spending time with grandkids??). What I am saying is, OP, definitely be vigilant about this and let step grandpa know that the phone is not acceptable but don't jump to the conclusion that he is grooming your daughter.

Is the term "baby girl" something that is culturally acceptable? I know if I told my ex someone called our dad baby girl he would be all over it. It is not a phrase either of us or our friends use.

My own dad texts his grand daughters sometimes. They are ages 12 thru 19 currently, and he has been doing it ever since his own eyes were opened to the wonders of the smart phone; ) . But he texts things like a picture he took of a squirrel eating a carrot on his back deck. Or a pretty sunset. All with captions like "we had a squirrel eating a carrot on our deck today!" Harmless and fun for him. But I'm with everyone else, this "baby girl" crap is inappropriate.

Anonymous wrote:I read your post to my 12yo dd. she said Pap's actions are suspicious.

FYI she has four grandfathers/step grandpas. Not one of them texts her. Ever.

I agree.

My kids have never been texted by their grandpas.

This is not normal behavior.